dark emotions [closed]

A low, gruff cough broke the silence that had been shrouding Magpiestar's den. With the cold weather and freezing snow came a bought of greencough that tore into a few of ShadowClan's warriors without restriction. The disease had no shame, infecting the leader quickly and violently. Just a few sunrises prior, he was perhaps the healthiest cat in the clan, running about as if he was a young warrior once again. Leadership had revitalized his body, bringing back strength he had forgotten he once possessed.

But this particular infection had the tom bedridden. While it wasn't strong enough to take a life from the black leader, it weakened him to a state where he could barely take more than two steps. Roaringblaze had him confined to his den, away from the harsh Leafbare weather and away from his healthy clanmates. Littlebrook had stepped up in his stead, taking over his duties until he returned to his normal self.

While he was glad for the rest and warmth that came from being hidden away, there was a deep pit in his stomach telling him to leave the comfort of his nest. He was never fond of sitting in the same place for too long, but for the first time since earning his nine lives, Magpiestar wanted to be leader. There was something in the busy nights that had almost suddenly become so appealing as he was finally left alone with just his thoughts. It was as if he enjoyed the distraction. As if he was avoiding the ideas and notions in his head. A few moons ago, he was sure he would have dreaded the idea of returning to his duties. Yet now, as he felt more and more anxious to move from his soft nest, he felt that dread direct itself towards the opposite. He didn't want to be stuck in his nest like this again.

There was always too much going on outside of himself that he never let himself mull over recent events, or even past ones. The depression he felt for Leopardstar's passing had begun to fill his heart once more. His anger towards Honeyspark and Flamestrike had clouded his mind before but had turned into betrayal and hurt as the days in his den passed. He couldn't stop the emotions from building in him as he sat in darkness and silence, waiting for the moment he could shove it all away once again.

He knew it wasn't healthy. He knew someday he would have to speak out and let everything go. But he couldn't be sure when that day would come. If it would come.

With a few more shaking coughs, the tom plopped his head down on the edge of his nest, amber eyes stuck on the den's entrance. He had never felt so miserable, sick, and alone.

Littlebrook had just finished putting together the patrols for the night, and now, she could relax. Sighing softly, she padded towards the fresh-kill pile and grabbed herself a lizard off the bottom. Settling down off to the side, she bit into the small, cold reptile. Chewing thoughtfully, her mind wandered to her leader, Magpiestar. He had been sick for quite a while, and she was honestly worried about the black tom. She knew he had a lot on his mind, and that only worried the small tortoiseshell more. Being stuck in a den all by yourself with your thoughts was not ideal, so there she say, worrying. She knew Roaringblaze was taking good care of the leader, but what could he do for his mental wounds. There was no herb to help rid of ones problems. You just had to deal with them on your own, and StarClan, she knew that was hard.

As soon as she had finished her last bite of the lizard, she rose to her paws and grabbed a rather plump toad off the top of the fresh-kill pile. This wasn't for her. It was for Magpiestar. She wasn't sure how well he was actually eating, plus she wanted to check on him, so using the prey as an excuse, she made her way to Magpiestar's den. As soon as she poked her head through the entrance, the choking scent of sickness threatened to overwhelm her. She didn't know how Roaringblaze dealt with it night after night, but nonetheless, she pushed her way carefully into the den. "Magpiestar?" She called softly, so as not to startle to sick leader. "I brought you something." She meowed in a warm tone, her soft blue gaze worried as she dropped the fat toad at his paws and nudged it closer to him. Before the tom could dismiss her, she settled down in front of him. "How are you doing? And I don't mean with your sickness.. I mean for real, Magpiestar." She meowed softly, peering into his miserable amber eyes intently. It was a bit bold for the small she-cat, but she knew she wouldn't get anything worthwhile out of him if she wasn't. And even then, she might not even get anything real out of the leader, but that didn't mean she wouldn't try.

The tom's ears flicked forward as the sound of paws crunching snow filled his ears. His eyes shot up as his deputy entered the den, mouth full with a plump, fresh toad. A lump filled Magpiestar's throat, threatening to choke him as she padded closer, dropping the prey and taking a seat in front of him.

His amber eyes glanced away, looking at the walls of the sheltered den. With a shaky paw, he pushed the toad away, swallowing hard as he did so. His appetite was gone at the moment, and although he welcomed the sentiment, his stomach lurched at the idea of eating. "I'm not very hungry, but thank you," he muttered, paw retracting to rest under his head. Before he could wish her away, her voice rose out, clear and soft, but filled with a concern he knew only a mother could have. The tom blinked slowly. He was sure to her, and perhaps the rest of the clan, he looked like a pitiful little kit wallowing in his own sorrows. Yet here she was, no holding back as she asked the one question he wasn't sure he was ready to answer.

"I-I'm fine. Just tired. Y-You should return to your duties before you catch my sickness," he mewed, clearly intent on saying nothing. It was too obvious he was lying. The leader barely tried to cover the truth, but he was so unsure about speaking so openly about it. Could he be ready here and now? To tell her how weak and insecure he truly was? He was fond of Littlebrook, but he did not know her well. He couldn't begin to guess what she thought about anything. He had only truly known a few cats, and all of them were dead. The only cats he felt he could really open up to were gone. And he wasn't sure if he could feel that trust with any other cat.

Littlebrook looked at her leader dubiously as he pushed the toad away. "Come on, at least one bite." She insisted, pushing the prey back to him. "You need to eat, Magpiestar. You're shaky and.. you're getting skinny." She commented softly, blinking her blue gaze slowly. He really didn't look well, and it just deepened her worry for him. What if this sickness took a life from him? Or worse. What if he ended up like Leopardstar? She shuddered with grief at the thought and shook the thought away. He wouldn't. Not with her and Roaringblaze looking after him. She shook her head slightly at his denial of anything being wrong, and she looked at him with her gentle but intent gaze. "Come on now.." She meowed, ignoring his concern of her getting sick too. "I know something's been going on for a while now and any I guess what, but you can talk to me, if you need to. That's what a deputy is for. To support their leader, and be their friend, and I want to be there for you, Magpiestar." She told him genuinely, her thoughts flowing freely from her mouth. She agreed with every word that left her mouth. "I don't think any cat should go through what you're going through alone. You should have someone to talk to, and if you'll let me, I'm willing to be that cat for you. You should know I'm not one to judge easily." She murmured gently, her warm voice carrying throughout the den. She knew how close the leader was to Leopardstar, and she could imagine what pain he was experiencing because of it. Her own gaze flashed with pain for a millisecond at the sudden thought of Lightningstrike. She also understood that the late leader was probably the only cat Magpiestar ever really opened up to as he wasn't one to openly show his feelings to everyone, so now he had nobody. She knew what that was like, and she vowed to not let him go through his grief alone.

She was persistent, he would give her that. Perhaps a bit too persistent for his liking. He needed something to tide her over, even if it was only temporarily. "L-Leopardstar," the tom mumbled, gaze falling back towards the fresh kill. Magpiestar shifted his body, ignoring the aches and pains that came as he rejected the prey with his whole body.

"Leopardstar's death... I-It still haunts me. He was my be-best friend, and he's gone. I-I can't seem to talk to him in StarClan, no matter how hard I try." The black leader felt as if bile was rising in his throat as he tried to hold back from letting everything loose. "I want to talk to my best friend."

Littlebrook bit back a sigh as Magpiestar turned away once again from the prey, and she would have kept insisting but his words stopped her. At least she'd get one thing she came for. He'd opened up to her, if only a little, but it was a start. A good one at that. He was so obviously in pain, and it broke her heart to hear how actually broken he was. He'd been dealing with this alone all this time? No wonder he was so depressed. "He was a great leader and friend." She agreed softly, her mind going back to the night at Fourtrees whenever the Dark Forest took over. That was back when he had been her mentor. Before Magpiestar had taken over her training. "I'm sure he wants to speak to you too, Magpiestar. Maybe he can't right now, though? I can't believe that he would ignore you. He wasn't like that." She told him gently before going on. "I know I'm not him, nowhere close, but you can lean on me." She meowed without hesitation.