You Will Always Be My Hero (Closed for Dim)

Pansyface was late. The gray and white she-cat was laying in her new nest in the warriors den, but though the cats around her were sleeping peacefully, her mind was whirling with distressing thoughts. Head resting on her front paws, she contemplated her options, biding her time till the inevitable. She knew what she needed to do....but oh StarClan, how hard it was! Bouncepaw was her heart, her golden-eyed hero. How could she ever bear leaving him alone?

Shifting her murky gaze to where her cousin slept nearby, she knew that Vipertail had grown suspicious. The longing gazes at Gatherings, the solitary treks to Fourtrees, she had noticed it all. It wasn't a suprise, how could she hide something so big from her best friend? Pansyface had prevously contemplated telling the she-cat about her lover, but had quickly rejected the idea. It wouldn't be fair to her, making Vipertail keep such a big and risky secret.

Truely, all along Pansyface knew what would happen in the end. Forbidden relationships never end well for either cat, or their clans. It was the last thing she wanted for SkyClan to suffer because of her own mistakes. Mistake? Is that really what Bouncepaw is? Her heart clutching in her chest, Pansyface forced herself to rise to her paws and walk out of the den. Yes, he is. The best mistake I will ever make.

Sneaking her way out into the forest her pawsteps became slower, her emotions screaming profanities at her. You mouse-brained idiot! Why are you doing this? You're about to give up the best thing you've ever had in your life! You love him with all your heart, this is going to kill you! Stop! Her paws slowly came to a halt, as she stared up at the night sky, her mind numb. In a quiet, rasping voice, she whispered "This is for you StarClan. My life belongs to you." Her chest was so tight she could barely breathe, and her eyes were on the verge of tears; but she kept walking. One step at a time. Left. Right. Left. Right.

The fading moon shone down on the clearing like any other night, illuminating every twig and leaf, every blade of grass. Her eyes glazed with an emotionless, numb expression, the new warrior slowly padded into the clearing. She knew that she was late, that the moon was already falling in the sky. Bouncepaw had been sitting out in the cold for ages, but she pretended not to care.

This is what must be done.

Bouncepaw sat, freezing his tail off in the frosty moonlight. His golden, flourishing eyes held the same hapless hope that they detained every night. He was a medicine cat apprentice—it was like claws chafing at his fur, but he loved it. Bouncepaw righted himself, as his pies began to shut. He gave a huge, gaping yawn, the brambles surrounding him. Had Pansypaw given up on him? Bouncepaw shook his head to clear his mind of the miserable thought. He stood up with his stiff legs as he saw a beautiful, bi-color molly enter the clearing.

"Pansypaw!" yowled Bouncepaw happily. He bounded up to her, gazing her in the eyes. The chilly wind nipped at his pelt. His voice grew softer as he continued. "Oh, u-uhm, how ar-are you? Has you-your clan been f-faring well?" asked Bouncepaw quietly. The sky glimmered with stars. Bouncepaw groomed his gold-and-white fur.

Bouncepaw had waited for so long, and now Pansyface was finally here. But why was she acting so stand-offish? Bouncepaw tipped his head, not wanting to seem loutish in front of the she-cat he loved so dearly. She looked like a member of the ranks of StarClan itself—majestic, grandiose. But what he was awed by, was her kind personality; now it seemed to have vanished. His lofty hopes fell almost immediately.

There he was, sprinting towards her, his fluffy golden tail waving in the breeze. His face held a look of pure love and adoration, which only made Pansyface's heart rip even more. Those golden eyes stared straight into her soul, and she found herself lost for words. Oh StarClan, how can I break his heart!?

The tom had been nothing but heavenly to her, always supportive and kind, with a heart of gold. He was what she always dreamed she would have someday. but now she was letting that go. For what? To be loyal to her clan, her family, her friends? Breaking away from his gaze, she hung her head in defeat.

Her eyes pricking with salty tears, Pansyface's heart beat frantically, seeming to count the silent seconds she stood in front of the love of her life. Counting all the good moments they had here, all the memories made; but then her heart stopped counting. The beating seemed to cease for a moment when Pansyface choked out five heart-wrenching words that she would regret forever.

"We can't do this anymore."

Bouncepaw's heart shattered.

"Uh, yeah—" he said, but it was really not true. He wanted to be with Pansyface! Who else could he love like her? No one, he told himself flatly. His golden eyes met hers, and with a crack in his voice, he continued. "Y-Yeah, you're rig-right.. I-I shouldn't ha-have talked to y-you in th-the first p-place. I-I'm sorry, Pansypaw." Bouncepaw hung his head, too, studying his paws with sorrow fissuring through every word. He was still addressing her as an apprentice, since he didn't know that she had a new title. He stepped back, sweeping his fluffy tail over him. He wanted to hide the tears that stung and spurred his eyes. "It... I mean, i-it was nice, bu-but it couldn't work." Bouncepaw spoke coldly for the first time in his life, torn between loyalty, denial, and sadness.


You'll always be my hero, Pansypaw.

No! No no no no no! This can't be right! I can't take this pain! I can't do this! Pansyface continued to hang her head forlornly, unable to open her eyes and face the heartbroken look she knew was plastered on Bouncepaw's handsome face. Her heart began to count again, but this time it was counting the unbearable stabs of agony that afflicted her very soul. This can't be happening....I take it back!

Opening her eyes, Pansyface dared to look up and meet Bouncepaw's gaze. It broke her.

Sobbing, tears began to drip from her green eyes as she sat down. Shaking uncontrollably, she barely held back from yowling her pain to the stars. StarClan how could you make me do this?! Her paws quavering, the patched she-cat began to choke out a fragmented sentence.

"I...I'm so so..sorry Bouncepaw, I was..wasn't strong enough!" Looking up, she choked on tears as she continued. "I..I'm a coward! I'm leaving be..because I'm to..too scared!" His golden eyes burned like fire, and for the first time she realized he had a cold tone of voice. No! No please don't get mad at me!

"Y..you are everything I e..ever wanted Bouncepaw! Y..you love me so much......and I love you just as much!" Her eyes glowed with heartfelt intensity, and she wished she could just bury her muzzle in his neck and forget what was happening. But she could never do that again.

She opened her mouth to say more, but couldn't find the words. Instead, she closed her eyes and looked away as another wracking sob hit her, flooding her face with another wave of tears.

Bouncepaw's gaze softened as Pansyface began to cry. No! Don't be sad! What did I do? How did I make her so sorrowful? I know... I shouldn't have done this. The medicine cat curled himself around Pansyface, a tad awkwardly since she was larger than he. "P-Pansypaw," he whispered comfortingly, "I'm so sorry... I just want to be with you. I know you're afraid; you don't have to be with me anymore." Bouncepaw's voice wobbled in its chords, tears streaming down his face, too. He hadn't stammered; but he took no pride in this. There were more important things. No! What are you doing? She doesn't even want to be with you anymore! Bouncepaw internally screeched, but he couldn't stop himself from resting his chin reassuringly on her shoulder. "N-No... no. I-I'm so so-sorry, Pans-Pansypaw, I'll st-stop." Bouncepaw drew away woefully.

Pansyface sighed when she felt Bouncepaw wrap around her, his soft fur comforting to the touch. She allowed herself a brief moment of respite, nuzzling his shoulder gently, before she felt him pull away. She felt like she had gained back a tiny piece of her sanity, but only a bit. Her heart still felt like it was bleeding through her skin.

Taking a deep breath, she managed to finish her words this time without choking. "I...It's not you at all Bouncepaw, you need to know that. You are perfect, and I love you so. It's me. I don't want to drag us down with my doubts and fears; that's not fair to you. Besides, I don't want either of us - especially you- to get in trouble. You have so much more to lose than I do...." She trailed off, not knowing what else to say. She wished that she could stay, just purr and say 'kidding' before cuddling deep into his fur. But she couldn't. Though her heart was broken, her mind was quiet, her conscience proud. Good job is whispered, but right now Pansyface only felt broken.

Wiping her tears away, she stood up and made a pathetic attempt to appear calm and mature. On the inside though, she screamed like a kit that just lost it's favorite toy. With a flat tone, she managed to look Bouncepaw in the eye and meow "This can't be our place anymore Bouncepaw. You belong by the river, and I belong....." Looking up, she trailed the path up the tree they had climbed so long ago. ...in the trees."