A Roast on France

Vee, Sleepy and I were making France jokes on the chat. Here are the ones I put:

1.)How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It has never been tried.

2.)How many gears does a French tank have? 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

3.)What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.

4.)"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion."-Norman Schwartzkopf

Let's try to get to 100. XD

Stolen from ABS.

5. Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

6. Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

7. Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

8. Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

9. Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

10. War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

11. The Dutch War
- Tied

12. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

13. War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

14. American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

15. French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

16. The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

17. The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

18. World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

19. World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

20. War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

21. Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

23. War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

24. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

25. "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

26. Or, better still, the quote from Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Oh, so much hate coming to this topic. This is a set up for a flame war XD

27. Which the French members of this site will most likely lose...

28) I think this speaks for itself.

29.)What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training? How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

30.)What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

31.)What do you call a Frenchman killed defending his country? I don't know either. It has never happened.

32.)What is the difference between American fries and French fries? Courage!

33) The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

34) What are the French's favorite movie? The Running Man.

35) How many jokes are there about the French? One, the rest are facts.

38. "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

39. Why is the French flag red white and blue? To ask America for help.

Lame I know o3o

40. Vasily Chuikov, commanding general of the Soviet forces in Stalingrad, later bragged that the Germans lost more men trying to take Pavlov's house than they did taking Paris.

Those are horrible bragging rights.

41. "If you're a soldier, even if you're French, you have to try really hard!" ~Germany, Hetalia

42.)During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

43.)What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

44.)Why does the French navy suck? Because cardboard doesn't float!

What if we're French and take offense to this? o_o;

Let's make one for Italians, next. Then Germans. And the English, who can forget them? Then we can go past European nationalities. Racist comments are good too!

ehem...

Topic: A Roast on France.
Description: France lovers beware.

Above, we see a warning.

Oh come on, Moon. It is harmless bashing. D:< Get out.

You are free to make things for those if you'd like. e.e But get a sense of humor.

Switzerland wrote:

Oh come on, Moon. It is harmless bashing. D:< Get out.

You are free to make things for those if you'd like. e.e But get a sense of humor.

Grow up? Most people who have a bit of maturity don't find 'bashing' humorous. It's unnecessary, rude and insulting.

Then call me immature. cx And a good rest of the world.
And you forgot Russians and Americans. :'D I have two I love on them~ <3

1) An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are all looking at a picture of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Englishman comments on it first, "Look at their grace and their poise. They are so elegant. They must be English."
The Frenchman disagrees. "They are so beautiful, and so very naked, they must be French."
The Russian speaks last. "No. They have no clothing and no shelter. They live in this place with only an apple to eat and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian, da?"

and
2) On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.


le lawl. xD
And always remember~
45) Save the Crepes - Eat a French dude. cx