fall apart when it hurts too much [c]

Nightowl could not seem to get the sound of screams out of his head.

The agonized shrieks of cats, his Clanmates and fellow forest cat alike... the screams of grief, and conversely the bone-chilling howls of the wolves, and their own pained cries as the Clans finally took them down. He closed his eyes and saw Fourtrees, a place of peace, covered in blood. He found himself alone, in the quiet, and found the howls and cries filling his head once more.

He had frozen. There was nothing else to it. He had frozen in fear on the sidelines, and cats had died because of it. Juniperhunt had died. If only he'd been a little faster... he was sure she'd died on impact, but his mind would not leave it alone. And Leopardstar had lost a life. How useless was he? If Heatherberry had been there, would ShadowClan have escaped the battle unscathed? He was lucky the death toll had not been worse.

In a life or death situation, it seemed he would always freeze. He'd always be that scared little kit afraid of his own shadow. And that was no different now that he had some fancy title and easier job.

Nightowl took a deep breath. He'd done what he could in the aftermath... but there was still Fernpaw. Hedge's brother. If he didn't do something, make some use of himself, the poor apprentice might die too. Add that to my list of failures. The medic flexed his claws, then took a deep breath and straightened up. He had to be a rock. Fernpaw had lost a friend and he'd been injured horribly. Nightowl had no right to be upset when the tom had suffered so much worse. Compose yourself.

"Fernpaw. How are you holding up? I brought you some thyme... it should help calm you." Nightowl spoke gently, and tried to make his voice as soothing as possible. He could not assess Fernpaw's wounds if the tom couldn't tell him where all he was hurt. Some were certainly very visible, but Nightowl needed to make sure he didn't miss anything. Infection was the worst killer of cats, he'd been told. He wouldn't let anyone else die under his watch. "I'm going to get you fixed up, okay?"