why don't you like me? why don't you like yourself? (c)

There was something about Leopardstar that made Bubblebeam feel distinctly uncomfortable, though she couldn't quite put a paw on it no matter how hard she thought. Perhaps it was just that she'd never had a leader she wasn't related to before. Of course, Great-aunt Bird and Gramma Wolf had never given her special treatment, that she could remember. But she'd never been scared of them. She'd known them since kithood; the idea of them bearing her any malice had never crossed her mind. Well... not until she betrayed them, anyway. But that was besides the point. The two of them were large and imposing figures. By comparison, Leopardstar was more slight of build, leaner, stealthier than the stocky she-cats she was used to hearing call out the traditional summons. Maybe it was the way that the leader had spoken to her friends, in such dry and harsh tones, and revoked Silverbird's place on something called a "council" just because he'd dared to have a friend from a different Clan. Maybe it was the piercing look in her eyes as if she were attempting to see into Bubblebeam's soul. But probably, she decided after a little while of contemplation, it was just because Leopardstar held her entire fate in her paws, and she had no clue what the leader would do with that power. She didn't really know her at all. They'd only spoken maybe twice, and only when necessary to get things sorted out between them. Eventually, if she ever wanted to stop being scared, if she ever wanted to really belong to ShadowClan, that was going to have to change.

That didn't make it any easier to get over the irrational flashes of fear and dislike that mingled in her blood whenever she caught a glimpse of the leader going about her business. How could a leader be so cruel to cats that begged her for mercy? Still... whatever kind of leader Leopardstar was, it wasn't her place to comment on it. She had to rely on one cat's goodwill to be allowed to live here at all. The last thing she needed was a reason to kick her out. These weren't pleasant thoughts to linger on while she was trying to eat a piece of fresh-kill. Bubblebeam let out a quiet sigh, looking down at the vole she was eating. How to get a better relationship with the leader? Did she even want to? She couldn't expect Leopardstar to ever be fond of her. Perhaps it was just better if she kept her distance for now. Or--that was what she thought, at least, until she saw the leader just mere mouse-lengths away from her. The former SkyClan warrior froze up slightly. Was she also on a meal break? Or had she been staring at her this whole time? "Um... hi," she squeaked. Then she coughed and dipped her head in greeting. "I mean, hello, Leopardstar. Good evening. How are you?"

Bubblebeam had been somewhat expecting the same leaderly tone of disdain and disappointment that she'd heard most recently; she was nearly taken aback by the easy and almost friendly tone that the leader assumed. She blinked slowly, taking in the wordy response to her question. "I'm... I'm doing all right," she said honestly. "You're right that it takes some getting-used-to, but I can manage. It's worth being tired every once in a while. I don't mind the nighttime--I just need to get my sleep schedule down to routine." The tip of her fluffy gray tail flicked thoughtfully. She'd been expecting this conversation to give her far less to go off of. "I forgot that ShadowClan had ever stayed with SkyClan. It wasn't when I was alive, and I didn't hear about it much, except that older warriors mentioned it sometimes. Though... I don't know if I should be glad to hear that your schedule still suffers from it, if I hope to make mine natural to ShadowClan. I guess that might just be since you're so busy as a leader, though."

Getting to know her Clanmates... Bubblebeam had been working on that. Of course, bonds like the lifelong ones forged from being around the same cats since birth weren't so easily mimicked by a few patrols filled with small talk, so she wasn't much closer to getting to know the cats she hadn't already known before her arrival. However, she hadn't really considered Leopardstar--the leader, the faraway and haughty figure--as one of the Clanmates she should've been conversing with. It was both nice and somewhat intimidating to know that the leader wanted to get to know her in that capacity. Even if their relationship did become casual and civil, there would still be that level of judgement, of trying to gauge whether the acceptance had been the correct decision. Still, Bubblebeam couldn't let her anxiety stop her from trying to fit in. That would kind of defeat the entire point of joining ShadowClan. So she pushed back the apprehension and nodded. "I would like that. I--I don't feel pressured; since I joined the Clan, it's on me to get to know others, and that includes you." Why Leopardstar would not be "suited" to "this sort of thing," she could not quite wrap her head around. Conversation? Did the leader find it difficult to talk with her because she was from SkyClan, or did she just find close bonds with Clanmates difficult under any circumstances? "It's okay, I'm adapting pretty well. I wouldn't have asked to join if I didn't think I couldn't handle it. And, no one's been unkind so far or anything, so I'm all right. Getting to know you a little bit probably wouldn't hurt, though."

Harsh and unforgiving, unwelcoming... Bubblebeam hadn't been talking to the right cats then, she supposed, because she hadn't felt ostracized yet. Perhaps it was just her obliviousness. Some cats were awkward or terse around her, surely, but it was more because she was a relative stranger. An unknown. Even the most welcoming cats would have to get used to a change like this for a while. Not everyone could be as immediately embracing as Hedgepaw, or as reasonable as Pineblossom. Then there were Silverbird and Hawkmist. Even if every other cat in the Clan had hated her, she still would've been okay. It would've been better than staying in SkyClan. Still, she was glad most cats had been so kind.

She had no clue how to respond to Leopardstar's digression about blood spilling, so she waited politely until the subject changed. The leader brought up a good point then, one obviously meant to bridge the gap between her newness to ShadowClan and her former home. The Pine Grove... It was a good idea. A sensible one. However, it made Bubblebeam's stomach churn. One would've thought that she would be going to the SkyClan border as often as she could, but... "I've been kind of... avoiding the Pine Grove," she admitted softly. Which is funny, since I used to spend so much time there, on the other side of the border. It would be odd to stand on the pine-needled end rather than among the deciduous groves. "It's not because I would choose SkyClan over ShadowClan anymore!" she said hastily. "That's not why. It's just... I don't really want to run into my former Clanmates. I did betray them, after all. I know that they will hate me for that, and I've come to terms with it. But... I don't want to see it. I don't want to see the faces of my family look at me and see a stranger. Worse, a traitor." Bubblebeam looked at the ground, feeling the tip of her tail twitch anxiously. "I won't lie, I've missed eating birds. They are much harder to catch here. But if it's between that and running into Wolfstar and the others again... I think I'll be okay eating lizards." She glanced up. "It was a kind suggestion, though. Maybe I'll feel up to it after a few more moons, when I feel that they've forgotten me enough."