an ending, a beginning [open]

Beneath the fury and shame that beat around within him, a bolt of ephemeral warmth ran through Silverhawk’s chest with the low tones of Hawkmist’s voice. He sat a little straighter with the assertion that his was an opinion Hawkmist greatly cared for. The next flip of Silverhawk’s tail was one of pride, a fleeting display of mirth. Then the agitation took root again and he was still once more. It enraged him that he would have to, because Leopardstar should not have put them in this position at all, but Silverhawk told himself he should thank Hawkmist later. Tact was not his friend’s strongest suit, but Hawkmist managed; even seemed, however briefly the words went by, approving of the friendship Silverhawk knew him to hate. Even so, Silverhawk could see the frustration that ran beneath white fur, just as he was sure golden eyes could see clearly through him. It was difficult not to flex his claws.

Once Hawkmist had finished, Bubblebeam found her voice. Immediately, Silverhawk’s eyes slid toward her. She rambled, as she always did, and while her points were not concise, they were meaningful. She echoed the same sentiments brought up by the three cats before her. There was, again, a little relieving shot of pride that came between Silverhawk’s tormentuous fury. Bubblebeam liked to believe she was far from a brave cat, but it was all Silverhawk could see in her now. He blinked slowly toward her, approving and appreciative, before his head moved slowly forward to regard Leopardstar again.

With the same ideas reiterated four times upon her, she had to see reason. But, as she turned to regard Bubblebeam and began speaking in a softer tone, it was clear that consequence was still at the forefront of her mind. Though she sounded gentler, Leopardstar spoke as if he was stupid. As if he knew not the Code which he swore to uphold. As if he wouldn’t kill and die for his Clan. Oh, Silverhawk wanted to rip her pelt from her skin. Visions of bloodshed danced behind his eyes while his expression made drawn, neutral just tilting into a grimace of guilt. And she had the nerve to insert his name in her mouth to directly claim he was disloyal, to bring reality to the malice from her which, until then, had only been imagined! ’That he has somehow found the time’… mouse-brain was not insult enough to describe Leopardstar’s idiocy. He upheld his duties--he was a model warrior and council member! It was a feat that he was able to manage his time so well, not a slight against him! And it wasn’t as if he was seeing Bubblebeam nightly; only when they came across each other, really. And did Leopardstar not understand the words ”I’d meant to tell you?” Was she that much of a fool, or had her decision already been made against him?

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Silverhawk wondered how many lives Leopardstar had left. Then he squeezed his eyes shut for several beats, the first in his displays of faltering composure to last for more than a flicker, and he decided it would be cruel to Bubblebeam to get himself exiled after she had gone through the trouble of joining his Clan. Silverhawk expelled a breath and opened his eyes to focus on his leader again. Just as he did, Leopardstar turned her attention squarely on him; spoke his name again, in a way that made something dark and ferocious yawn open in his belly. It was still unfathomable to him, that Leopardstar should think he neglected his duties when he was the only council member worthy of the position besides Pineblossom. Except--

He wasn’t.

It felt as if the ground had fallen out from beneath Silverhawk’s paws. He was half-surprised to find he hadn’t stumbled and fallen from the lurching feeling. He recalled immediately the way he wanted to snap at Sunflare for approaching, for being the lesser council member between them--the way Leopardstar assured him his lack of necessity was a mark in his favor. Then Silverhawk’s attention spun to the crowd that had formed around them, who he could not tear his eyes away from Leopardstar’s to look across but which he could feel the eyes of, every slitted pupil, scoring through his pelt.

Leopardstar did not even have the decency to wait before searching for a replacement. Immediately, she asked his own mother! who would be capable of filling his position. As if anyone could. For a stretch of moments that felt painfully infinite, Silverhawk’s rage was subsumed by an immense shame and grief. He almost didn’t hear the assignment to apprentice duties, but he felt sick when he processed it. He wanted to curl in on himself and become very small. Half the Clan must have heard Leopardstar’s declaration, and those that hadn’t would find out soon enough. And then of course there were the three cats that sat surrounding him. Surely, they would be upset on his behalf, wouldn’t they? Or they would be ashamed of him for putting himself in such a foolish position. Silverhawk’s stomach turned ceaselessly in knots.

It was a good thing the anger did not take long to return, because the chilly feelings of loss, embarrassment, and rising self-loathing were agonizing; too much to bear. Silverhawk blinked and he was furious again. Removed from the council--! As if Leopardstar didn’t need him. One day, he would show her what a fool she was for dismissing him--for making a public example of him.

Silverhawk did not listen well to the words that came after. His eyes never left Leopardstar while she looked to each cat in turn, though he hardly processed the words that came out of the continuously moving shape of her muzzle. It was partly intentional, as Silverhawk had no further interest in what she had to say unless it was to say Bubblebeam’s name in acceptance, but it was also the fact that the mad-hive buzzing in his head had grown so furious and loud it was a little hard to pay attention over it. He hardly even heard the cue he was looking for, but with his intention so fixated on her as it was, it was impossible to miss the way Leopardstar’s weight shifted as she began to lean toward Bubblebeam.

A touch to the shoulder, something ceremonial--and approving. Silverhawk blinked hard, trying to force his brain to silence for a moment. Yes, there it was--Leopardstar welcoming Bubblebeam into the Clan. This was over. Bubblebeam was secured as his Clanmate, as his, and all was well. Yet Silverhawk couldn’t find it in himself to celebrate the moment. He felt wretched and lethal still, emotions stoked too far for any glimmer of happiness to break through.

When Leopardstar pulled away from the welcome gesture, Silverhawk made his head bow, an action lacking his usual fluidity. ”Thank you, Leopardstar,” he said, and there was a stiffness in his voice that hadn’t been present before. Gritting his teeth hard, he added, ”I will not disappoint you again.” The words almost made him retch. To think he’d disappointed anyone--Silverhawk wanted to savage her throat, savage himself. He shook his coat out and settled for dismissing himself instead, turning to stalk out of camp without a further word.