Maybe "Can" Is A Word I Could Have[C]

I feel like I’m waiting for something that’ll never happen

It had been ages since he last interacted with his mentor. Despite his apprenticeship being briefer than most, thanks to his head-start at learning things as a rogue, Pineblossom was still a huge comfort and influence to him. Swiftheart was never really... there for him, not after Crowspirit's death. He couldn't blame her, since it was, well, his fault that... that Crowspirit was no longer with them. He just wasn't close with his foster mother, which was perfectly fine with him. He hadn't needed a proper mother most of his life growing up, and he wouldn't need one now. Pineblossom was the cat he went to for advice instead of Swiftheart. She was always willing to help, and had loads of experience to draw examples and lessons from. It was hard to imagine that she had been a kit or apprentice once. Had she always been this wise and this kind?

Quillsplash had taken the initiative to invite Pineblossom out for a spar. He had some things he felt he had to talk about-- needed, to talk about. There was Copper and his life before ShadowClan, the mess with Crowspirit which still haunted him till now, his fault in Tawnyshadow's death, Sablestrike's intend to kill him, Wolfpaw's strange hatred for him, his family-- or what was left of it-- in ThunderClan, and Snaildance. So many things to say, so many he couldn't say. How much did Pineblossom deserve to know? How much did she want to know? He had once wanted to leave ShadowClan and leave all these bad memories behind, but... somehow, for better or for worse, he had found a life here. And he needed to make this life work. Would placing his trust in someone help? Or would that be what unraveled these precious few threads? It all hurt to think about. He wanted to trust Pineblossom, just as much as he trusted Snaildance. There was no one else to talk to but them. They... they wouldn't think him a monster, would they? A brief glance in Pineblossom's way sent a shiver down his spine. He probably already was a monster... and he wouldn't blame them for wanting him dead. He'd want himself dead too.

"Thank you for agreeing to this spar. It's been a while since you last tested my skills, hasn't it? I hope I've improved since then." There was no sign of his inner termoil in his voice. It's always been like that, since he was an apprentice. Was it because he trusted no one, or because he didn't trust himself? The answer was beyond him. With a small shake of his head, Quillsplash signalled with a flick of his tail for the spar to begin. He'd give Pineblossom the first move... for no reason in particular. He just didn't want to think right then.