i can't be part of your life until i know how to die [O]

Twilightpaw had been feeling strangely for the last few days. He’d sparred with Oleander, and then the day after he’d sparred again with Larkspring… and his chest hurt during it. A dense, thudding ache against his ribs; compression in his lungs, making it hard to breathe. The spar with Larkspring did not last long before they had to stop. Twilightpaw had felt dizzy and needed to return to camp. He hadn’t been able to shake the feeling since. The pain did not go away, nor did the blurry darkness that crowded into his vision. Twilightpaw did not tell anyone how he felt, but he could barely attend patrols or training sessions. His state was unignorable, but he had to fight it. He was terrified of the possibility he could be getting sick again.

Twilightpaw lingered just outside the medicine den. It was a familiar haunt. He had spent more of his youth there than in the nursery. Pigeonpounce… Littlesplash’s successor. He could hear her shuffling inside. A breath rattled out of Twilightpaw’s lungs and he kicked at the sand. It would be so easy to brush past the barrier of reeds and admit to her his ailment. She was inexperienced, but perhaps she would be able to tell him something. But Twilightpaw could not get his paws to move forward. He remained exactly where he stood, swaying unsteadily from side to side. She won’t be any help to me, Twilightpaw thought sourly. It was a mean thought. He was upset with himself immediately for having it. Being upset did not stop its passing, nor did it stop him from retreating from the den. I’m fine, he told himself, even as the world threatened to disappear from sight and he wobbled dangerously on his fine. I’m an apprentice now. I’m strong, like Oleander. I’ll be okay.

It wasn’t long before Twilightpaw retired to his den. He was one of the first apprentices to turn in with the setting sun. He forced himself to stay awake until Oleanderpaw joined the den as well, settling in to their side-by-side nests. Only then did he curl up, resting his head on his paws and letting his eyes fall closed. Sleep did not come easily to Twilightpaw. His struggling breaths and the growing pain in his chest made it difficult to relax. But eventually, he succumbed to the tides of weariness.

When Twilightpaw awoke with the dawn, he stretched and yawned as he always did. After blinking twice, he realized something: his chest did not hurt anymore. A self-satisfied smile spread across his muzzle. He’d been right. He was fine--he just needed a few days of recovery. Twilightpaw lumbered to his paws and suddenly stopped short. It was only upon rising that he realized he was moving without the assistance of his body; his body, which lay in a weightless heap exactly where he’d left it, curled up in his nest. Twilightpaw scrambled back, expecting to trip over the other apprentices in the den, but his legs simply passed through them as he wheeled away. ”No, no...” No one stirred at the sound of his voice.

Twilightpaw shook his head hard and dove forward. He pressed against Oleanderpaw’s side, but his brother did not react to his presence. There was no weight for him to feel trying to nudge him awake. ”Oleander,” Twilightpaw said, desperation in his mew, ”Oleander, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Phantom pressure built up behind his eyes, but he could no longer cry. ”I didn’t know I was leaving. I should’ve stayed awake. I shouldn’t have had that spar with Larkspring. I’m so sorry.” Twilightpaw wrapped his neck around his brother’s in an affectionate embrace and screwed his eyes shut tight. He could feel a tugging in his paws--the call of Silverpelt, trying to summon him. But he wasn’t ready yet. ”Be strong,” he whispered. He knew Oleanderpaw couldn’t hear him, but he hoped his brother could feel the message. ”I know you already are, but keep being strong. I won’t ever stop watching over you. Our whole family--none of us will.” Twilightpaw vowed.

And then he could remain no longer. His already spectral form was beginning to grow even thinner, weaker. ”I love you. I love you, Oleander. Remember to eat well.” The words slipped out fast, very fast, to ensure Twilightpaw had time to say them at all. Then he unfolded himself from his brother’s side and got to his paws. He stepped out of the apprentice’s den, even though he likely could have passed through the roof, and after a final look back, began his climb toward Silverpelt.