It Outlives Me When I'm Gone [solo]

Perchstar had passed on. The sharing of the tongues and the vigil had taken place, and in the morning, RiverClan rose again. Everyone was in various states of tired and depressed, but Poppyshine still delivered morning duties to those who were awake enough to perform them. As much as she, and she guessed most of the clan, wished to simply curl up and sleep, RiverClan’s border still needed maintaining and food needed to be caught. Duties were given out, which also included aiding in cleaning and repairing camp after the storm yesterday, and Poppyshine partook in duties as well. It was a long day, heavy with fatigue, and a muffled sheet of sadness settled over the clan with it.

The day was something of a blur for Poppyshine. As much as she wanted to let her grief pass swiftly, to move on to focusing on the living…she couldn’t. She could perform her duties, could fish and walk the borders and give out tasks and guide her clanmates, but she had never been able to fully follow the mantra that she kept close to her heart from Cloverheart. Grief always washed over her so entirely. It happened with every cat that went missing, with ever kit she lost, and now with the loss of her leader, best friend, mentor, and sister all in one. It made her paws heavy. It fogged up her mind. It put her into such a dizzying, numb state throughout the day.

Eventually this day too came to a close. Poppyshine was exhausted after two straight days of work, and after bidding goodnight to her clan, she stumbled up to the leader’s den that had been her home for moons. She stepped inside and stopped short.

The leader’s den had never felt so vast. It felt cold despite the warmth of newleaf wafting in from behind. She had, once upon a time, suggested decorating the den to Perchstar. To gather flowers, reeds, some moss, put a bit of color in here and brighten it up. They never had…and now the stark walls felt so cold.

Two nests sat side by side. One with a few goose feathers, a shiny rock with a little indent in it, and a couple shells…and the other, empty. Poppyshine had gathered up all the belongings in Perchstar’s nest, and they now decorated her grave out in the burial place. The goose feathers they shared now placed in the sand, the rock Beetlepaw had given Perchstar placed upon the grave, and Tinypool’s dried leaf carefully buried beneath the grains so it would never get blown away. All that was left was her nest, now, side-by-side with Poppyshine’s.

A quiet breath escaped Poppyshine. Perchstar had been the most stable pillar in Poppyshine’s life. Through all of the other loss, Perchstar had been there the entire time. But now…now she wasn’t. It was something she had known since Perchstar passed, but somehow, standing in the leader’s den that was now solely her own, it made it feel all the more real. There would be no more early discussions over prey in the morning; no quiet planning of duties and ceremonies in the quiet hush of night; no gentle soothing of one another after a nightmare; no sunset walks through Sunningrocks; no huddling for warmth through leafbare nights; no more casual discussions or quiet looks or cheek touches. No more Perchstar.

Poppyshine’s head hung and tears returned to her again. They had faded from yesterday, used up after sharing tongues, but they were back again. Tears for the time lost, for the years she had asked for and would never be able to receive. Perchstar had smiled in the end, had expressed happiness, but Poppyshine wished that she could have truly made her feel that happiness before the end. Perchstar had not deserved to only feel happiness and love at the very end of her life. She deserved so many smiles and warm afternoons and laughter, and now, she would have no more of that in life. Poppyshine could only hope that death and her time in StarClan would bring that to her, because she deserved it. She deserved it more than any cat after her years of service, years of suffering and pain.

Her paws gently shuffled across the ground until she arrived at the nests. As if by force, she stepped not into her nest, but Perchstar’s. She carefully curled up inside of it and noted how the scent of Perchstar still lingered, like a true final goodbye. More tears dripped down her cheeks as she curled up tightly and wrapped her tail around herself in a way of self-soothing.

“I love you, Perch,” Poppyshine repeated. This time there was no cat to hear it; just her and the quietness of the den. Would saying it daily have helped? Would Perchstar have truly known if she had said it more? If she had loved harder? Would it have changed anything about the sad heaviness that she carried? Probably not. Poppyshine had known Perchstar for years, longer than nearly any other cat in RiverClan, and she had been closest to her. She knew all there was to know, and with it, knew that it was unlikely that anything Poppyshine could have done would have changed. There was just too much that had affected Perchstar, too many responsibilities too young, too many lost so suddenly…Perhaps things could not have changed, but she at least knew in the end. That, Poppyshine was certain of. She knew for certain how loved she was. And she too loved them.

That last afternoon at Sunningrocks was more blessed and welcome than Poppyshine had known at the time. Just the two of them under the sun, relaxing for the first time in moons together, and sharing that contented joy…That was enough for Perchstar. It could be enough for Poppyshine too, in time. When the initial pain of this wound had passed, when the salve of time had worked, and the searing pain became the same dull ache she carried for all her lost kin. Then the memories would not only hurt or be doused in longing, they could also bring simple joy. It was a truth that Poppyshine knew from all of the cats that she had lost, and so she knew now would be the same…But it never made the loss any easier or any less painful.

The sun set. The moon rose. Poppyshine’s tears continued to fall until that tired her enough for sleep to finally claim her. She rested in Perchstar’s nest, a quiet promise to clean it out tomorrow and not cling so kittishly to the memento, but for tonight, to enjoy the last embrace left of her friend. And high above in the sky, glittering amidst the Silverpelt, a new star shone brightly to watch over RiverClan.