Warrior Clan Cats

The future's in your paws. Shape it well.

Roleplay in a cat Clan of warriors. Based off the Warriors series by Erin Hunter. Takes place in an AU before the cats in the books existed.
 
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Ash
Former Staff
Former Staff
Ash


Characters : Living: Perchstar [P], Bubblebeam [B], Dovetail [D], Hedgepaw [H], Larchpaw [L]. Deceased/Missing: Tansyfoot, Turtlepelt, Morning, Longwhisker, Ryestep, Poolmist, Nettletail, Halfmoon, Freckleface, Lionfur, Shimmerheart, Breezewhisker, Honeydrop, Ashstar, Snowpaw, Brushgaze (NPC), Shellwater, Snowblossom, Quailfeather, Gingerstripe, Carat, Redwing, Graybriar, Pricklebush, Appledapple, Flutterpetal, Felix.
Clan/Rank : [P]: RiverClan Leader. [B]: SkyClan T3 Warrior. [D]: RiverClan T3 Warrior. [H]: ShadowClan Apprentice. [L]: WindClan Apprentice.
Cancer Snake
Number of posts : 6688
Gender : She/Her - kitty was here <3
Age : 22

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PostSubject: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptyMon 18 Mar 2024 - 21:43

The sunset was a quiet one; instead of blazing orange light, the sky's hues remained rosy even as the light faded. Pale blue, washed-out pink, and wispy gray clouds. Perchstar missed every moment of it holed up inside her den, unaware of the passage of time. Despite everything that had happened, with the only exception being times she was physically unable, she had never missed this many hours' worth of her duties before. Not since she was exhausted and recovering from kitbirth; not since the awful sickness at the lake. The only times she allowed herself to collapse were during the night or the evening, and on the off chance she needed to take a brief moment in the middle of the day, she always returned to responsibility as quickly as she could. But the conversation with Cindersky--if it could even be called a conversation--had thrown her off completely. Dazed, she'd stumbled back into the leader's den and pressed herself against the reed wall for minutes... hours... the entire rest of the afternoon. Not because she'd wanted to but because she'd had no other choice. Her inner wounds bled too heavily to even attempt moving for the foreseeable future. It hurt to move. It hurt to think. It even hurt just to lay here, eyes emptily staring at nothing, silently panting and trying to catch her breath and waiting for the implacable agony to cease. It's all your fault. They know it now. All this time, they've hated you and said nothing. They wait for you to make your next mistake. They wait eagerly for your death. Why not give it to them? Why not, when it is what you want as well? It's not worth it. You're not worth the effort. They'll be happier when you're gone... and so will you. As always, the only coherent thoughts rising above the spiral of inwardly wailing pain berated her constantly... and now they began to take on Cindersky's voice. All she could do was bear it. All she could do was swallow back her whimpers and wait with trembling paws for the moment she could breathe again.

It took hours. The sun passed its zenith and set, its light retreating and leaving the world all the colder for its vanished presence. Perchstar only knew by the way that shadows crept through the sheltered mouth of her den. Her eyes could not fix on their dark shapes, but she sensed their presence in her peripheral vision. The passage of time did not ease the ache... she simply became accustomed to its heavy, stifling weight. Another load added. How many more could she take before she collapsed for good? If only she could give up. If only she were capable of lying down, never moving, simply letting the passage of time take away the pain. But it wouldn't. The pain wouldn't leave; it would follow her into the stars, and then its terrible burden would creep onto the shoulders of those who did not deserve it. Willowwisp, Mistwalker, Wrenpaw, Rookflight... Cindersky... Poppyshine. Even if they hated her. Even if they all hated her, they did not deserve it. She would take as much pain as she could. But stars... stars, she was tired. Take it away from me. Please... please. Take it away. But her begging was futile. And so eventually, once the rays of the sun had completely faded, Perchstar forced her weight onto her aching paws. Sit up from the collapsed position. Then stand. Then tear the grimace from her face and set her shoulders back. Then take a step forward. It was all terribly, torturously familiar. She had to eat something, as much as the idea of keeping down food seemed impossible. She had not eaten all day. If she did not eat now, she would be unable to perform her duties tomorrow. And so, with all the energy she could claw back from her endless exhaustion, she made her way out of the den.

At least none had come to check on her. Perhaps they were getting used to her periods of uselessness by now; perhaps she had simply done well in getting everything necessary out of the way in the morning. Perhaps none of them cared. But when Perchstar finally emerged, most of her Clanmates were on their way to bed. The night guards were setting up their posts by the camp entrance. A few groups of friends or littermates shared tongues. Cindersky must have gone to sleep as she was nowhere to be found. Nauseatingly, she could not even feel glad; nothing rose above the emptiness. But she welcomed it. If she did not feel empty, then she would be feeling pain, and her nerves were raw already from how long her indisposition had lasted. She should take the hollowness while it remained... it was the best she would get. The fresh-kill pile had been mostly depleted, but thankfully a few fish remained. One step, one step at a time, the leader kept her stoic face and made her way forward. She had not had the time nor energy nor desire to groom herself; her fur was unkempt on one side from slumping pathetically against the reed wall of the den. The shadows beneath her eyes would hopefully be harder to notice in the dim evening light. She could not bear to look at any of her Clanmates; with what shred of self-control that was not actively engaged in behaving like a functional cat instead of a walking mess, she hoped that they would spare her for just a few minutes. Just long enough to eat something and retreat once more for a night of staving off the nightmares waiting in the corners of her mind to pounce predator-like upon her restless form. Her eyes were fixed entirely on a small perch fish in the corner of the pile. As little as she wanted to eat, her body needed the nutrition. She would eat as much of it as she could and then leave. Maybe she'd be able to avoid talking to anyone else altogether. Maybe they had that much mercy left for her within their hatred. Wordlessly, mindlessly, Perchstar arrived and bent down to take a bite.

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⸙ Larchpaw ⸙ ~ ☆ Perchstar ☆ ~ ♡ Hedgepaw ♡ ~ ◈ Dovetail ◈ ~ ○ Bubblebeam ○
⸙ WindClan ⸙ ~ ☆ RiverClan ☆ ~ ♡ ShadowClan ♡ ~ ◈ RiverClan ◈ ~ ○ SkyClan ○
⸙ Apprentice ⸙ ~ ☆ Tier 5 Leader ☆ ~ ♡ Apprentice ♡ ~ ◈ Tier 3 Warrior ◈ ~ ○ Tier 3 Warrior ○



~~PM me here or on Discord if you want a topic with any of my cats!~~
~Wonderful Signature by Xaandiir!~
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xaandiir
Former Staff
Former Staff
xaandiir


Characters : [P]oppyshine; [Pi]neblossom; [W]hisperear; [C]rookedlight; [L]arkspring; [Wi]llowwisp
Clan/Rank : RC T5 Deputy; SC T5; WC T5; SkC T5; RC T4; RC T4
Virgo Tiger
Number of posts : 2947
Gender : Any Pronouns
Age : 25

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PostSubject: Re: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptyTue 26 Mar 2024 - 16:07



Poppyshine


When she was younger, Poppyshine didn’t understand why Perchstar worked so hard when she was stressed or when times were tough. When things got hard for Poppyshine, she often just wanted to lay down and take a nap so she would feel better in the morning. After everything that has happened recently…she finally understood. It was difficult to be alone with your thoughts and memories when they were still so fresh. It was far easier to busy herself with working, and so she did; she did patrols, gave assigned duties, took up what could not be taken up by her fellow warriors, checked in on her clanmates when she could…The days passed quickly when she was busy, but it left her exhausted by the end of the day.

A part of her had noticed, in the back of her mind, how Perchstar seemed absent all day. Perchstar worked as busily as she did these days, but today, Poppyshine didn’t spot her at all. It was only when she returned from a last-minute border touch-up that she spotted Perchstar leaving her den. Had she been in there all day? That immediately raised some alarm bells in Poppyshine’s tired mind.

She approached beside her friend and leaned down to claim a fish from the pile as well. She looked at Perchstar and her eyes gleamed with some small semblance of knowing; showing that she had indeed noticed the things that Perchstar had tried to hide from other. Wordlessly, her eyes glanced back towards the den and her tail flicked with it, asking Perchstar to join her in the leader’s den. Eating outside was traditional in order to share tongues with clanmates, but it was late. There was no one to share tongues with but her…and so they may as well go to their shared den and rest together. Poppyshine knew that Perchstar would appreciate the privacy when she started to pry at her.

When they arrived back in the leader’s den and settled on the cool ground, Poppyshine lay her fish down and spoke. “Were you here all day?” Her head tilted slightly and she watched Perchstar for a moment, like if she just looked, she could obtain information without her friend having to say a word. “You haven’t done that in a while. Did something happen today?”

There were a lot of things that the two of them hadn’t talked about. They had not spoken about the tense conversation they shared at the lake—although, admittedly, Poppyshine wasn’t sure how much of it Perchstar even remembered given the sick state she was in. They hadn’t talked about Mottlestar’s death, nor Birdstar’s. They hadn’t talked about the obvious weight on both of their shoulders. Poppyshine wasn’t sure how much she even wanted to talk about…but her friend was hurting in some capacity right now, in a new way that Poppyshine could tell was different, and so she wanted to see if she could help. It was the least that she could do.
RiverClan • Tier 5 • Deputy • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #669966
Credits: code inspiration - 1 2 | image 1 | image 2 | image 3


______________________________________
Whisperear*T5 WindClan Elder
65HP/130SP
#9999cc
PineblossomT5 ShadowClan
70HP/160SP
#6699ff
WillowwispT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#6abcde
CrookedlightT5 SkyClan
70HP/160SP
#ff6699
LarkspringT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#787878
PoppyshineT5 RiverClan Deputy
70HP/160SP
#669966
CherishSC Temp Plot NPC
60HP/130SP
#787878

* = Disabled Stats

Cat Directory  ❊  Plot Boards
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Ash
Former Staff
Former Staff
Ash


Characters : Living: Perchstar [P], Bubblebeam [B], Dovetail [D], Hedgepaw [H], Larchpaw [L]. Deceased/Missing: Tansyfoot, Turtlepelt, Morning, Longwhisker, Ryestep, Poolmist, Nettletail, Halfmoon, Freckleface, Lionfur, Shimmerheart, Breezewhisker, Honeydrop, Ashstar, Snowpaw, Brushgaze (NPC), Shellwater, Snowblossom, Quailfeather, Gingerstripe, Carat, Redwing, Graybriar, Pricklebush, Appledapple, Flutterpetal, Felix.
Clan/Rank : [P]: RiverClan Leader. [B]: SkyClan T3 Warrior. [D]: RiverClan T3 Warrior. [H]: ShadowClan Apprentice. [L]: WindClan Apprentice.
Cancer Snake
Number of posts : 6688
Gender : She/Her - kitty was here <3
Age : 22

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PostSubject: Re: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptySun 31 Mar 2024 - 22:15

But there was no mercy. There was no respite.

No sooner had Perchstar bent down and opened her jaws to eat the first thing she had all day than a cat stepped up beside her... with small calico paws and a familiar scent that could not be mistaken anywhere. Poppyshine had come to torment her, too. Slowly, against her will, the leader turned her head to meet her deputy's eyes. The worry, the pity she saw there sickened her. There was no way to hide herself from Poppyshine. The she-cat was skilled, if nothing else, at tearing away her secrets until she sobbed them out and there was nothing left. But Perchstar was tired, so tired of feeling things today. She did not want to talk about her emotions. She wanted to bury them far beneath the ground and leave them there and never feel anything again. She wanted to turn and scream and beg her former apprentice to leave her alone, to have mercy, to not ask the questions brimming from her gaze--but there was no use. She would be forced to reveal everything whether she wanted to or not. And then Poppyshine would finally reveal that she hated her, too.

Exhaustion rolled off of Perchstar's pelt in thick, heavy waves. She did not have the energy to scream, let alone even to murmur a protest. All she could do was pick up the fish in her mouth--ignoring how its salty taste made her want to vomit--and follow with horribly slow, plodding footsteps as Poppyshine led her to her own den. Their shared den. How she wished now, in her heart of hearts, that she had not had that moment of weakness and loneliness. How she wished that she had not invited Poppyshine to share her den. If she hadn't, then she could have broken down in peace. She had been lucky the deputy was busy enough today that this had been postponed, at least. But among the rawness of her nerves from being torn apart from the inside all afternoon, all that rose to the surface at this moment was a dull resignation.

They arrived momentarily back at the small reed-walled hollow of the den. Perchstar's nest lay untouched since the previous night; after the conversation she had not had the energy to use it, but rather she had remained slumped on the floor against the wall. Her eyes glanced towards it briefly before she picked a different place to sit, releasing the fish in her jaws onto the ground. Emptily she stared at it for a moment. All that effort to retrieve it, and she could not muster the desire to take a single bite. Especially not with the looming horror of vulnerability that she could not fight off with her pathetic weakness. But she had to eat. She had to eat, or she would collapse in the middle of camp and die again, and... and would that really be so bad? It was what they all wanted, wasn't it? All but her daughters, and maybe Poppyshine did not want it, not truly, but that was just because she did not want the position of leader. No one did. It was a living Dark Forest, to be forced to live again and again and have the demons consume you until nothing more remained but the bleeding sores of grief and rage. Perchstar's vision fuzzed and swam beneath her. Had Poppyshine said something? Hazily she blinked, still looking at the fish rather than the calico she-cat. The words reached her a few moments later, after swimming through the sludge of her thoughts. "...Not all day," she murmured, hating how the words half-slurred together in her efforts to keep them neutral rather than breaking the dam on her emotions that she had just rebuilt. "Only since the afternoon." Had something happened, she asked.

"You are funny."

Perchstar blinked the memory away. She did not want to remember, not again, not right now. She had spent hours upon hours replaying every word of that torturous conversation and she did not want to think about it, let alone talk about it. But she had to say something to ward off the implacable question. Why was she being interrogated? Why could she not just rest? Why could they not just hate her silently and leave her to her misery? She stared emptily at the fish, wishing that it would go away--that Poppyshine would go away--that she would go away, never to return. "Nothing important."

______________________________________
paper crown (c) EqTrJzt

⸙ Larchpaw ⸙ ~ ☆ Perchstar ☆ ~ ♡ Hedgepaw ♡ ~ ◈ Dovetail ◈ ~ ○ Bubblebeam ○
⸙ WindClan ⸙ ~ ☆ RiverClan ☆ ~ ♡ ShadowClan ♡ ~ ◈ RiverClan ◈ ~ ○ SkyClan ○
⸙ Apprentice ⸙ ~ ☆ Tier 5 Leader ☆ ~ ♡ Apprentice ♡ ~ ◈ Tier 3 Warrior ◈ ~ ○ Tier 3 Warrior ○



~~PM me here or on Discord if you want a topic with any of my cats!~~
~Wonderful Signature by Xaandiir!~
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xaandiir
Former Staff
Former Staff
xaandiir


Characters : [P]oppyshine; [Pi]neblossom; [W]hisperear; [C]rookedlight; [L]arkspring; [Wi]llowwisp
Clan/Rank : RC T5 Deputy; SC T5; WC T5; SkC T5; RC T4; RC T4
Virgo Tiger
Number of posts : 2947
Gender : Any Pronouns
Age : 25

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PostSubject: Re: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptyTue 2 Apr 2024 - 17:40



Poppyshine


It may not have been all day, but it confirmed enough for Poppyshine to know that something had happened with Perchstar. She hated staying in her den, on good days and bad; when she felt good, she wanted to be with her clanmates and wanted to be productive; when she felt bad, she wanted to distract herself with work. It was only on her worst days, when everything was crushing her, that she isolated entirely and did not even put her paws to work. Poppyshine had only seen a couple of these days with her and she was sure that there were others that she had not been made aware of. Poppyshine didn’t want Perchstar to endure these days at all, but certainly not alone. Guilt bit at her insides for having been busying herself so much that she didn’t notice that Perchstar was spiraling today.

Her ears flattened when Perchstar dismissed her question. Did they still have to do this dance? After two years of friendship, nearly two years of leading together, Perchstar still had to act like she had no bad days? It caused a brief stab in her chest, but Poppyshine brushed those feelings aside. This was a part of Perchstar that she had come to accept. Emotions were hard for her. Talking about them was harder. Poppyshine did not mind. She would work with Perchstar through whatever difficulties she had, and similarly, she would not let Perchstar hide behind her cold exterior. Poppyshine knew her well enough. She wouldn’t let her simply pretend.

“Perch,” Poppyshine said patiently, “you know I don’t believe that. I know you well enough. Whatever happened, I am here to listen. Things will only feel worse if you keep it locked up inside of yourself.” She reached out a paw and put it on top of Perchstar’s. “I’ll listen to it, whatever it is, without judgment. You know that.”
RiverClan • Tier 5 • Deputy • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #669966
Credits: code inspiration - 1 2 |  image 1 | image 2 | image 3


______________________________________
Whisperear*T5 WindClan Elder
65HP/130SP
#9999cc
PineblossomT5 ShadowClan
70HP/160SP
#6699ff
WillowwispT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#6abcde
CrookedlightT5 SkyClan
70HP/160SP
#ff6699
LarkspringT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#787878
PoppyshineT5 RiverClan Deputy
70HP/160SP
#669966
CherishSC Temp Plot NPC
60HP/130SP
#787878

* = Disabled Stats

Cat Directory  ❊  Plot Boards
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Ash
Former Staff
Former Staff
Ash


Characters : Living: Perchstar [P], Bubblebeam [B], Dovetail [D], Hedgepaw [H], Larchpaw [L]. Deceased/Missing: Tansyfoot, Turtlepelt, Morning, Longwhisker, Ryestep, Poolmist, Nettletail, Halfmoon, Freckleface, Lionfur, Shimmerheart, Breezewhisker, Honeydrop, Ashstar, Snowpaw, Brushgaze (NPC), Shellwater, Snowblossom, Quailfeather, Gingerstripe, Carat, Redwing, Graybriar, Pricklebush, Appledapple, Flutterpetal, Felix.
Clan/Rank : [P]: RiverClan Leader. [B]: SkyClan T3 Warrior. [D]: RiverClan T3 Warrior. [H]: ShadowClan Apprentice. [L]: WindClan Apprentice.
Cancer Snake
Number of posts : 6688
Gender : She/Her - kitty was here <3
Age : 22

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PostSubject: Re: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptyThu 11 Apr 2024 - 21:31

It did not work, unsurprisingly. Poppyshine was not stupid. And she was unfailingly, unceasingly, unacceptably kind. But the kindness would fail eventually, wouldn't it? Cindersky's had. Cindersky, who had recovered from having her tail torn off by wolves by simply spouting some nonsense to her friends about greenleaf. It all had an end. And apparently, Perchstar was the final straw. She was the limit. She was what pushed them to their breaking point and past it, what finally earned the ire and hatred of the most irrepressibly happy cats. Her one skill, perhaps. Emptily, she raised her eyes to meet Poppyshine's gaze--to see the patience oozing from every word she spoke. How? How were they all so good at putting up these facades? How, when her own mask fell apart at every opportunity, was every one of her Clanmates so skilled at pretending they did not loathe every fiber of her being? She managed, barely, not to flinch back from the soft touch of the she-cat's paw upon hers. She couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear the affectionate gesture, couldn't bear the way those green eyes saw past her every effort and into her deepest flaws, couldn't bear the lies.

Leave me alone, she pleaded silently, with words that stuck in her throat and remained unsaid. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Saying that would only make it worse. But... wouldn't that be better? Then they could finally do away with pretending. Then the hating wouldn't be hidden anymore. Then it would be the last straw for her friend, too.

Her friend... her friend. What did the word even mean? Birdstar had been her friend, and then had turned from awkward kindness to hissing in the blink of an eye--then even further. Wild eyes, demon eyes, sharp red teeth ripping and tearing open the throat of Mottlestar. Mottlestar... who had used the word "beloved." Who had leapt in to save her though that was the last thing Perchstar had wanted. Who had then died for it, limp and mangled on the forest floor, covered so thoroughly in crimson that she looked more like a piece of prey than a cat. And now, Poppyshine. The only one who had been with her through nearly everything. The Dark Forest, the Twolegs, the starvation, the journey. Yet she'd been against the war, firmly. She'd said things... things Perchstar couldn't remember, things lost in the fog of sickness, and yet her mind could construct all too well how she must have berated her for her foolishness. Yet, stubbornly, with the mindset of a leader drunk on justice, she'd pushed forward in the only way she'd known how. And it had ended in the scars all over her. Blue eyes traced the newly torn ear, the deep scratches, the reopened wounds on Poppyshine's pelt. All her fault. All. As she watched, the patient mouth moved. Poppyshine was saying... something, again. But Perchstar could not hear. There was no room in her ears for gentle platitudes over the heightened sound of Cindersky's voice, near-screaming in her memory.

"Who was it that you killed on that battlefield, Perchstar?"

One ear flicked, uselessly, attempting to will away the thought. But it was no use. The dam she'd hastily constructed was beginning to break once more. She would collapse in front of Poppyshine again and that would be the end of it. Stars, how did she keep finding new ways to look pathetic? How had this vicious cycle of agony not ended yet? What was even the point in continuing? She should've pushed the deputy away preemptively. But now there was nothing to do. Far after they'd been spoken, a few of Poppyshine's words floated past Cindersky's echoing hisses. Her torn ear flicked again. "I know you'll listen," she said faintly, pointlessly. "But I... have talked too much, today. Too much already. I cannot bear..." What was she saying? That she couldn't bear it? But she had. She had already. And she would continue to. There was no choice.

"I want you to look at Littlesplash. I want you to look at him, see him, and justify it."

More words. They replayed endlessly on a loop. How many more times would she have to hear them? What would Poppyshine have to say? How many of those sentiments would echo if she truly spoke her mind? She was still there. Her friend. Her friend, still, for now... even momentarily. But it would all end eventually. They all hated her, deep down. Perchstar tried again. "I cannot bear to lose any more than I have already lost, today." But that was not what she would be saying. She couldn't deny that something had happened; Poppyshine was not stupid. And yet if she said what happened, then Poppyshine would want to talk--would want to know the details--would want to refute every point--would want to sympathize. Or, worse, would agree. And that would destroy Perchstar utterly. Yet she could not stay silent either. She felt like a trapped bird, wings broken, unable to flutter out of the trap it had wandered into. There was no way to end this interaction without pain. It would be so much easier to just rip off the broken wing entirely. But somehow, somehow, she could not.

"I don't even know the name of who you sent us to kill!"

The voices became louder. Focusing became more difficult. Perchstar's fish lay discarded at her paws, the idea of eating long forgotten. No longer possible. Instead, her mind spiraled, attempting to find some way out of this situation--but she could not see a light at any end. All roads led to the one friend she had left finally hating her, finally leaving her for good. Then her kits would follow, wouldn't they? They hadn't been hurt in the war, but it was only a matter of time. It had to be. And she would be stuck living again and again on this earth until she finally died, and even then they would hate her for dying. Though she kept a grimace from her face, her eyes likely looked wild as they darted towards the entrance, towards the wall, and then at her own white paws. No--they weren't white. Red. Stained red again. How many times would she have to wash them off? "I don't want to let it out. It only makes things worse. It hurts anyway. I let it out and it made things worse." Emotion. The purest, rawest emotion she'd ever felt, leaving her throat in a strangled scream that ended with fangs in Birdstar's neck. A friend murdered, leading to the murder of a friend. Murder. Murderer. And Littlesplash nearly dead, all her fault. And Cindersky hurt, all her fault. And Poppyshine, all her fault.

"I hate you."

They would all hate her, eventually, if they did not yet. Even Poppyshine. Perchstar could not bear to look up and see her eyes--either with love or with hatred, either would hurt. "I spoke with Cindersky." Was that even true? She'd tried to comfort Cindersky and made everything worse. She only made everything worse. And now her former apprentice hated her. Speaking felt like tearing thorns from her paws, but Poppyshine had wanted her to talk, and now she had to talk. Say something, say anything. Get her to leave. Get her to hate you. Get her to leave before she hates you. Her shoulders trembled once before she stilled them. If speaking would make this end faster--reach any end at all--then so be it. "She told me it was my fault. But... I knew that already. It shouldn't hurt so much." And yet she'd suffered a breakdown, the worst she had in moons, as a result. How much worse would it be if those same scathing accusations came in Poppyshine's voice?

"I hate you."

She shouldn't have killed Birdstar. She should have just let the fangs reach her. She should have taken Mottlestar's blow instead. The truth of it, the desire she could not express, tore her open. And still the voices battered her ears. Perchstar closed her eyes, but that only made the images worse, somehow. "I didn't want the war. I didn't." Was she even speaking aloud anymore? It was getting harder to tell. A breakdown so soon after her most recent one felt like scraping herself raw, like reopening a scarred wound--but her attempts to patch it up had been nullified. No herbs could soothe the sting of hatred. "But it's my fault." If only Cloverheart hadn't died--or if only Perchstar hadn't taken a walk that day. Maybe everything would've remained stable. Maybe SkyClan could have torn themselves to shreds before Birdstar was even born. It wouldn't have been her fault then. But it was. It was all her fault. Cloverheart's death, Beechfang's death, Birdstar's death, Mottlestar's death.

"I hate you."

Her ears pinned back against her head--a rare show of discomfort, of the inner turmoil that churned deep in the pit of her stomach. The voices only grew louder, and they took on voices that had never said those words... or she thought they hadn't. But she couldn't be sure. They sounded real. And everyone hated her, anyway, even if they never said it, so it had to be true. Mottlestar's death was her fault. Birdstar's fangs had been going for her throat. She should have taken the blow. The battle would have stopped, then. Mottlestar would have still been alive. Perchstar shook her head. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to exist anymore. "Mottlestar's death is my fault, your wounds are my fault... if Littlesplash had died that would also have been my fault. But I don't know why I have to say it. You already know." Poppyshine knew these things. She'd said them before. Maybe not out loud, but in her emptiness and grief after the war surely she'd thought them. Surely she would rather Perchstar died, and Birdstar lived. Surely that outcome would have been better for everyone.

"I hate you."

The words, even formed in her own mind, sent a fierce pang through her heart. In the sheer numbness and weight of the emotion, the pain making its way through at all was almost impressive. If only it was done. If only it was over. If it had just been said already they could be done with it all. But she hadn't said it yet. Maybe she would never say it. So... why? Why was Poppyshine still here? Waiting for her chance? Or sitting silently, watching Perchstar writhe in pain to pay for all that she'd done? But she couldn't pay. She couldn't pay enough, even with the death of a thousand lives. She should've died. Her eyes remained shut, unable to see the expression on Poppyshine's face--either the horror, or the agreement. She didn't know which was worse. Her voice came out quiet, half-choked with the tiredness of it all. "You hate me, too. So please, just--just leave. I can't bear it anymore. I'd rather die." And there--it was. She'd said it. The word ripped its way out. Her heart nearly stopped beating with the force of it. So now... now what? Perchstar sat trembling, panting, eyes shut against the face she loved so much she could not bear to look at it. It was over. It was the end--but somehow, it wouldn't be over. They would drag her from her grave again and again to suffer for her sins. But she'd rather die. She'd rather die.

______________________________________
paper crown (c) EqTrJzt

⸙ Larchpaw ⸙ ~ ☆ Perchstar ☆ ~ ♡ Hedgepaw ♡ ~ ◈ Dovetail ◈ ~ ○ Bubblebeam ○
⸙ WindClan ⸙ ~ ☆ RiverClan ☆ ~ ♡ ShadowClan ♡ ~ ◈ RiverClan ◈ ~ ○ SkyClan ○
⸙ Apprentice ⸙ ~ ☆ Tier 5 Leader ☆ ~ ♡ Apprentice ♡ ~ ◈ Tier 3 Warrior ◈ ~ ○ Tier 3 Warrior ○



~~PM me here or on Discord if you want a topic with any of my cats!~~
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Former Staff
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Characters : [P]oppyshine; [Pi]neblossom; [W]hisperear; [C]rookedlight; [L]arkspring; [Wi]llowwisp
Clan/Rank : RC T5 Deputy; SC T5; WC T5; SkC T5; RC T4; RC T4
Virgo Tiger
Number of posts : 2947
Gender : Any Pronouns
Age : 25

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PostSubject: Re: paper crown (c)   paper crown (c) EmptyMon 15 Apr 2024 - 12:29



Poppyshine


Perchstar’s words were stilted and slow. She looked like she was far away and not here having this conversation with her. Perchstar was good at restraining her emotions most of the time, but Poppyshine could easily see the exhaustion now that let more o her emotions lay plainly. Her heart squeezed tightly. She felt guilty; her friend had been suffering for a while and she knew that, but Poppyshine had wallowed in her own grief instead of putting more focus to Perchstar. Perchstar was strong in many regards, but once she faltered in emotional weights, they seemed to crush her entirely. Poppyshine knew that. She should have checked in sooner.

Poppyshine opened her mouth to refute Perchstar’s words a couple of times, but Perchstar continued. It was as though Poppyshine could see Perchstar’s spiral visibly on her face, cascading down a cliff and then into deep, murky waters. Poppyshine’s eyes widened and she felt lie her heart shattered into tiny pieces when Perchstar finally said what seemed to have been on her mind for ages.

“Perch no, no,” Poppyshine cried and her voice cracked with the sheer emotion that weighted on her. She shuffled close, ignoring their meals and the previous attempt to keep distance. She pressed her forehead right up against Perchstar, not allowing her to pull away or curl up into a ball of self-hatred. “I do not hate you. I don’t. I never could. You are my best friend, Perch. You’re the most important person in my life. No matter how awful this situation has been, I don’t blame you, I don’t hate you.”

Tears burned in Poppyshine’s eyes and they rolled freely down her cheeks. To think that she had let herself be swallowed up so entirely by her own grief and emotions this past moon that she had not noticed how badly Perchstar was hurting. Foolish. Selfish of her. Cloverheart’s words had always been a comfort to her and her guiding principle and yet she had ignored them all this time and to everyone’s detriment around her.

“Make your grieving easy, and don't linger too long…I'm more concerned about the living.”

Wasn’t that what she believed? Wasn’t that how she had gotten through tragedy after tragedy that plagued her life? Why was this time so much harder, to the point that it blinded her from what she should have been focused on? Foolish.

Poppyshine’s voice trembled as she spoke, but she felt like she could not stop. Unlike Perchstar’s words which were slow, meticulous, and heavy, Poppyshine’s tumbled out like a landslide, coated in slippery emotions that she could not control. “This isn’t your fault. It is no one cat’s fault. The war was not your own, I know you didn’t want it. Littlesplash’s injury was not your fault. You protected me in that battle, not caused my injuries, and I do not blame you for my scars. And Mottlestar…stars, Perch, that was not yours in the slightest. Mottlestar chose to save you. She did it because she cared about you. That is not on you. Do not hate yourself because others love you.”

Poppyshine’s head shifted, releasing the touch from Perchstar’s forehead, but only shuffling closer. Their necks pressed together and she buried her face in the white ruff along her shoulders and neck. Her tears would stain in Perchstar’s fur, but Poppyshine needed Perchstar to know how true her love is. How badly she wished she could stop Perchstar from hurting. That Perchstar’s death, stars, her desire for death, hurt worse than any injury Poppyshine could endure.

“I’m sorry I can’t take away your pain,” Poppyshine whispered. “I would if I could. I would bear it all for you, Perch. You don’t deserve to feel like this at all. I don’t—I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to leave you. I am going to be here always, Perch. I want to follow you for years to come. So please—please—don’t tell me to leave. And don’t leave me. I love you so much. You are my family. I would never, ever hate you. Don’t let yourself believe I would.”

Her throat squeezed and the flurry of words finally stopped. Poppyshine wished she knew what caused this. What had she done, to make Perchstar believe that she of all cats would go against her? She had failed in being Perchstar’s deputy, and also in being her friend. Poppyshine wanted to fix it all but did not know how, and so she could only press her body against Perchstar and hope that she feelings of love she held could be felt through force alone.
RiverClan • Tier 5 • Deputy • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #669966
Credits: code inspiration - 1 2 |  image 1 | image 2 | image 3


______________________________________
Whisperear*T5 WindClan Elder
65HP/130SP
#9999cc
PineblossomT5 ShadowClan
70HP/160SP
#6699ff
WillowwispT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#6abcde
CrookedlightT5 SkyClan
70HP/160SP
#ff6699
LarkspringT4 RiverClan
60HP/140SP
#787878
PoppyshineT5 RiverClan Deputy
70HP/160SP
#669966
CherishSC Temp Plot NPC
60HP/130SP
#787878

* = Disabled Stats

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