god help the outcasts [solo]

If the stars above could not provide her with the answers that Thymelight had sought out for moons from the land of the living, then she would simply have to go to them. She was a medicine cat and she could speak to StarClan whenever she wanted, so she intended to use this ability to her advantage for the first time. The morning light didn’t serve as a welcoming gesture from the skies above, and instead it worked to fuel her nerves as she lapped up only a small share of traveling herbs. Thymelight knew that it was smarter to consume more of them so that the exhaustion of the trip wouldn’t reach her head before she found her destination, but she refused to be selfish. Herbs were not infinite during the current season, and this trip to Highstones was for personal gain. She would be just fine without her normal amount. The medicine cat gave the den one last glance before she headed out, and she couldn’t even feel the frown that creeped onto her maw as the injured bodies of her Clanmates quietly shifted in their sleep. One of them was missing, one that had been there the day before: her uncle. She struggled to hold back the tears that started to gather in her eyes as she sharply looked away and ducked her head while exiting the medicine den.

Thymelight wanted to provide herself with comfort as she padded past the familiar forms of SkyClan’s numerous dens. Whenever she stared at them for too long she envisioned them dripping with the same dark blood from the riverbank. The tricks that her mind liked to play on her was beginning to take a heavy toll on her mental health, and the she-cat had no way of stopping it. She wanted to tell herself that she didn’t deserve any of this.

She didn’t deserve to lose her uncle, she didn’t deserve to feel like an outcast in her Clan, she didn’t deserve to be the victim of Hemlockfox’s hatred, she didn’t deserve to be haunted by gory visions and startling noises.

However, the forefront of her mind was in disbelief. What if she did deserve all of this? Thymelight was under the impression that she had done something along the way to deserve StarClan’s wrath, and they were punishing her in ways that were much worse than being struck by lightning at Fourtrees. Her heart was heavy as she slipped out of camp and into SkyClan’s territory that had used to provide her with a strong sense of comfort. What used to be soothing was now daunting. The trees that she had admired ever since she was a kit seemed to loom over her like the otherworldly fangs of the wolves that had chased SkyClan out of their make-do homes in the strange territories by the frozen lake. The small creatures and bright blossoms that she had once admired as a young apprentice now made her feel unsettled. Even the sky frightened her, for she knew that when day became night and the big blue sky became an array of stars, the ancestors would glare upon her once again. Thymelight had screamed to them so desperately for mercy upon finding the deceased form of Foxtrot, and she had been worried that her tone would anger them further. She needed to know once and for all what she had done, and how she could fix things.

How selfish am I… SkyClan has faced torment after torment, wolves after foxes, illness after famine, herb shortages and countless deaths, and yet I’m worried about myself. StarClan has every right to despise me. I would do the same.

The journey was long and almost torturous. She had never once made the journey to Highstones alone since any other time she was accompanied by either an apprentice or Smokepetal and Hemlockfox, but she hadn’t truly realized just how much she needed company for such a strenuous trip until now. The little amount of traveling herbs she had eaten only made everything worse, but she persevered. There was no time to stop and rest and there was no point in turning tail and heading back to camp now. The medicine cat tracked the time of day by glancing upward every so often to see where the sun was in the sky, and a knot formed in her belly as it started to lower itself toward the horizon until it was eventually gone and replaced by the milky white moon… and the stars. Thymelight swallowed down the lump in her throat as she tried to count each and every star. She missed the days where she had admired the beauty of the night. They were like dozens of pairs of eyes, and they all seemed to watch as she made the last quarter of the journey to Highstones to speak with them. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or afraid once Mothermouth came into view, but she knew that her trek had finally come to an end.

The she-cat stood at the entrance to Highstones for a few moments and allowed her yellow eyes to peer into the dark depths that awaited her. The ancestors were waiting.
“Stars, please… have mercy on me tonight.” She murmured to herself before her form was engulfed in darkness. She slinked through the tight tunnel with the expertise of a medicine cat that had done this multiple times before, and yet she still felt lost on the way. The light at the end of the tunnel started out as a small flicker before it started to grow. Then, it was everywhere. White light bounced off of the walls and painted the floor. It enveloped Thymelight’s pelt from her paws to her tail, and it trickled down from the cavern’s ceiling. This wasn’t her first time touching her nose to the Moonstone, but her limbs still shook with the anxiety that a young apprentice would have upon speaking to StarClan before it was time for them to join the ranks of a warrior. She wasn’t sure who or what awaited her, but she had come all this way to find out, and she wasn’t about to throw that all away now. The she-cat’s lungs expanded as she sucked in a deep breath before closing her eyes and pressing her nose against the freezing cold stone.

Time passed. The world was still and her vision was dark. At first she was afraid that they were so angry with her that they wouldn’t even show themselves to her, but she sighed in relief once the starry plains of the ancestors blinked into view. The bi-colored cat wished that she could take the opportunity to appreciate just how beautiful StarClan’s hunting grounds were. Everything was delicately starkissed and pleasing to the eye, and the grass felt soft and warm beneath Thymelight’s paws, but her mind wasn’t able to focus on any of the niceties.

“Your fear scent is so strong that it has managed to reach all the corners of the starry sky. I have yet to see a medicine cat that is so afraid to speak to StarClan before.”
”That’s kind of embarrassing, Thymelight…”

Thymelight flinched and whirled around only to be face to face with not one but two StarClan cats. Both were she-cats, one with a large, fluffy brown and white form and the other with a slender body and a gray and white pelt. Both were dappled in stars and had piercing eyes, amber and yellow respectively, that seemed to dig flaming holes directly into her flesh. She was unsure how to begin. Both of them looked like they knew exactly what she was here for and yet they were waiting for her to be a grown cat and say it with her chest. It was almost as if they were challenging her, but she wasn’t here to be hostile.

”My apologies… I-I know I shouldn’t be afraid but I just have some questions, if you’re willing to hear them. I’m sorry for coming on such an unexpected notice and I do hope that I’m not causing a disturbance to you both.” Thymelight mewed politely and dipped her head low as a sign of respect. Her eyes glanced down at her paws as she waited for some sort of sign to let her know that it was alright to stop bowing, but there was only silence for a few heartbeats, and then one of them started to… laugh?

“Oh my stars, get up. Is this a joke? Like, are we being pranked? Thank goodness, I was so bored up here.” The larger one said through bursts of laughter while the smaller one just gave her a blank stare.
“Your immaturity reeks almost as much as her fear scent does. Be still for a moment, it will do you some good.” The gray and white one spoke sharply to her starry companion before turning back to Thymelight who was fixing both of them with a wide-eyed stare. ”Ignore her for now. We have received your call and we’re here to speak with you, Thymelight. My name is Graybird. I’ve seen your closeness with my kin in the land of the living, although many of the ones alive today are too young to know that I’m a part of their blood. I suppose that’s why I’m here to talk to you tonight.”

The other one seemed offended as she looked over at Graybird with a glare. ”Excuse you, they’re my kin too! We’re literally related, don’t be dense. And stop making yourself sound ancient, you aren’t that much older than I am. Anyway,” She then looked over at Thymelight, ”I’m Bearflower. That’s all. She kinda already said the whole kin and bloodline thing, so…”

Thymelight was confused. She had always pictured StarClan to be so holy, so all-knowing, and terrifying to face. These two cats were talking to her as if they were life-long friends that had just returned back from the dawn patrol and were ready to share tongues by the fresh-kill pile. Still, she was afraid. They hadn’t yet reached the reason why she was truly here. Even if Bearflower found her formalities to be humiliating, she continued to stay polite. The slightest of wrongdoings could result in further punishment from the stars, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle any more. “Pleased to meet you, Graybird and Bearflower. I’m here because… be-because I want to ask for forgiveness. I want to know what I did wrong, what I did to deserve such a series of punishments from StarClan.” She was aware of just how much her voice was shaking as she looked at the starry she-cats before her.

“Punishments?” Bearflower asked, puzzled, before turning her head to mutter to Graybird, “What punishments? We haven’t struck a Gathering with lightning in, like, forever.”
”Stop it.” Graybird hissed back before glancing back toward the medicine cat. ”Elaborate, Thymelight.
As she began to speak, she slowly started to feel more and more pathetic. Her brain managed to convince her that her problems were no longer important, and she was here complaining to the stars like a whiny kit instead of sucking it up and pushing forward. Surely other cats had suffered much worse. The obstacles that she had faced were nothing compared to anyone else’s. ”I’m sure that you both know of my origins. I was born a loner and brought to SkyClan as a kit, and I feel like I have done things to continuously anger StarClan ever since that day. Is that the issue? Is it where I come from? I know that the Clans don’t like outsiders and they want pure Clan blood within their ranks, b-but I’ve tried so hard to prove myself as a member of SkyClan ever since I was in the nursery. I’ve lost the only blood relation I have, and now I truly am alone. I’ve been thrusted into a culture in which I feel I don’t belong, I’ve wished ill upon a Clanmate… I prayed that Sunfire would see misfortune for attacking a medicine cat not long ago… and I know that I’ve done things that could be seen as unconventional. I thought that becoming a medicine cat was the best path for me. I took an oath to prioritize peace and protect all cats, and I was happy for once because I knew that being  a warrior wasn’t for me. I thought that I’d have another chance to prove that I am a SkyClanner, but the pain never stopped. In fact, it only became worse. What have I done? How do I make it stop? I’m sorry for being born outside of the Clans, I’m sorry for disagreeing with Clan culture, I’m sorry for wishing the worst on my own Clanmate, I’m sorry for everything.”

Graybird took a step closer and sat down, wrapping her long tail around her paws. Bearflower settled down nearby as well as the calmer one met Thymelight’s eyes. ”You’re overreacting. The forest is so full of outsider blood that we’d tire ourselves out if we had to punish every single one of them. You’ve created an image of StarClan in your mind that is more powerful than we actually are, Thymelight. What you’re experiencing is life, and that’s it. Every cat in every Clan has faced hardship. Families are often split apart by death, but that’s just an unfortunate part of living. You aren’t being punished so stop acting crazy.”
Bearflower gave the gray and white cat a quick eye roll. “Crazy? A little harsh, don’t you think, Graybird? Listen, Thymelight. She may have said it a bit harsher than I did, but she’s right. The stars had no part in this. I know that having to see a loved one pass away sucks, but it happens. I lost two of my littermates when they were young, and me, Spottedfrog, and Newtspring were the only three to make it to warriorhood. I was the first of the three to die, and I was so mad for so long because I wanted to return and live out the rest of my days with them. My anger didn’t change a thing. I stayed dead. Death is always going to be unfair, but you’ll see your uncle again when it’s your time to join us here, because even you will die one day.”

Graybird slowly nodded in agreement as her companion spoke, and she seemed outwardly pleased by the fact that Bearflower had calmed down enough to speak some sense to the medicine cat before them. The deceased warrior then sighed. “As for your disliking of Clan culture, that’s also none of our concern. We’ve seen you and your values. You’re gentle and caring, and you dislike that our lifestyle places such a strong emphasis on violence. You wish that there was a way to find peace for all, and I understand that, but surely you must know that your wish is impossible. As long as cats live in the forest, there will be violence. Cats will always want revenge for something, their egos will always get in the way of common sense, and the cycle of bloodshed will never end. It’s unfortunate but it’s something that I’ve come to accept. I watched the battle from above, and I agree that it could’ve been avoided. I-”
“-I wished I could have fought in it. Gosh, you living cats are so lucky sometimes.” Bearflower interrupted with a dramatic sigh.
The slender she-cat fixed her larger Clanmate with a glare before continuing. “As I was saying, I agree that it could’ve been avoided, but now you’ve seen firsthand why I say that violence will always continue so long as cats and their egos exist. That war was purely based on pride. Pride from RiverClan is why it began, pride from SkyClan is why a medicine cat was attacked, pride from ThunderClan is why they even involved themselves at all. All of that bloodshed over one cat… what a shame.”
”And to think that the one cat was Beechfang of all cats. I get that she’s famous and everything but I don’t see the appeal.” Bearflower murmured.

Thymelight felt rather overwhelmed with the amount of information that was being dumped on her all at once. It wasn’t at all what she had expected. She had made the journey to Highstones expecting to be berated and scolded by the ancestors for her upbringing and her actions, and she had expected to be told that she would continue to be punished if she didn’t repent right here and right now. Instead, she was being told that StarClan wasn’t the reason behind any of her suffering. If they weren’t… who was? Her gaze fell once again as she managed to breath out a sound, “Oh…”
She could tell that the StarClan cats were waiting for her to say more, to either agree or disagree with their words, but she was unsure what else to say.

She felt like a fool. She still felt incomplete and even more alone than before. Now that she knew she wasn’t being punished, she came to the realization that life was doing this to her for no reason at all. To Thymelight, having no reason was worse than having a reason. She would never have an explanation for such mishaps which meant that she would always be left wondering why, and that was a nasty punishment in and of itself.

“We’re done here, Thymelight. Awaken now and return back to camp. There are too many injured cats in the medicine den for you to be away for too long.” Graybird’s voice was stern as she rose to her paws.
Bearflower’s tone, in contrast, was friendlier as she finished by gently flicking her tail against Thymelight’s shoulder. ”Good luck. Oh! By the way…  I know you think that StarClan hates you, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I think that you’re pretty cool. Graybird likes you too but she’s too uptight to admit it. Seeya around, Thyme.”

And then they were gone… and then the starry plains were gone… and then the Moonstone was back.

Thymelight pulled her nose away from the stone with a gasp, shocked at just how quickly the dream had faded away and reality had settled in. She sat there in silence for longer than she should have. She couldn’t tell if that had been a disaster or a success. She should’ve been so grateful for the fact that StarClan wasn’t punishing her, but she only felt empty after that exchange. A small tear slipped out of her eye as she gave the cavern wall behind the Moonstone a blank stare.

I don’t know if you can hear me
Or if you’re even there…

There were more trials and tribulations to come, but Thymelight was unsure if she’d be able to brave them all. Every hardship seemed to take a piece of her heart. What would she do when there was nothing left but a gaping hole in her chest?

I don’t know if you would listen to my prayer
Yes, I know I’m just an outcast…

She pulled herself to her paws. Any of the strengthening effects that the traveling herbs were supposed to give her had worn off, and the dream had exhausted her beyond belief, but SkyClan’s territory was the furthest away from Highstones and she still had another long journey ahead of her.

I shouldn’t speak to you
Still I see your face and wonder…

Her eyes widened as she padded out of Mothermouth. The starry sky was not there to greet her. It was a new dawn, and it was only then that Thymelight realized just how long she had been asleep. A dream that had felt so short and unrewarding had lasted for a whole night in the waking world. She still didn’t understand the reasoning behind it all. The medicine cat felt so fatigued even though she had technically slept through the night. The dream had felt so real that her body was convinced she had received no rest at all, but she shook her head before starting the return back to SkyClan… back to the pain that she faced.

Were you once an outcast, too?