Confidantes and Confessions (c)

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Bubblebeam couldn't sleep all night. Something about the nighttime, despite moonlight leaking in through the warirors' den entrance, was creeping up her spine. And she didn't get to sleep with her siblings anymore. Thymelight and Hemlockfox were both in the warriors' den, and Sorrelpaw and Ploverpaw were still apprentices together. Usually she slept near Honeydew, but.... The gray she-cat shivered uncomfortably, curling up as small as she could in her nest and trying not to look at the empty one nearby. Honey was in the medicine den tonight, too. After the fight... She'd come home covered in so much blood, breathing so shallow. What if she didn't wake up? What would happen? Her soft tail, wrapped over her mouth, muffled the whimper that emitted. There was no rest with such thoughts pressing her down. And so she tossed and turned, all night.

Once morning broke she nearly ran out of the den. Duties forgotten, warrior responsibilities ignored. As quickly as she could she made her way to the medicine den. Thymelight. Honeydew. Her sister, her best friend. Both who had been at the battle; both who had been impacted, either mentally or physically or both by what they saw. Bubblebeam hated how sickeningly grateful she was that she hadn't been there. It should've been her instead. It shouldn't have had to be either of them... but she wished it was none of them. Even remembering the blood from yesterday made her want to retch. Right before the entrance of the den she stopped to take in a deep breath. Compose yourself. On the off chance that Honeydew was still injured, she didn't want to make everyone feel worse by freaking out at the stench of blood. Breathe in... breathe out... walk in.

"Hey, Thymelight? I came to see if I could help, if I..." She stopped. There in front of her--Honeydew, lying in a nest, covered in herbal poultices. Thymelight at her side speaking words in a quiet mixture of relief and panic that struck straight at Bubblebeam's heart. Quickly the gray she-cat rushed over to join them. "Oh, Honeydew! Honeydew, thank the stars." Her eyes were open. Briefly, Bubblebeam pressed her nose into the side of her friend's fur, carefully avoiding the injuries. There were so many... Who had scratched her up like this? And had she scratched them, too? No, no, no. She couldn't think about that. She shook her head and looked up at Thymelight instead. "If... If I can help, please tell me. I want to help Honeydew feel better again." Concerned pale-green eyes looked down at the injured she-cat again. "Are you okay? Do you feel all right? A little better, maybe? Sorry, sorry, Thymelight's already asking. This probably isn't helping. I was just so worried."

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Hearing Honeydew speak again--even shakily, with exhaustion--helped soothe the prickling of Bubblebeam's pelt. She was okay. She was going to recover. She was okay. Letting out a trembling sigh, the young warrior settled down next to her sister and her friend, listening closely. "I'm glad you're alive," she said quietly. "Really, really glad. Whoever Silverdusk is... I'm grateful for them." Not a cat she'd heard of before, not a Clanmate, so... an enemy during the war? A ThunderClan or RiverClan cat had helped Honeydew in the battle? Strange. With all the words exchanged in camp, all the roars from her father and growls from Falconmoon and Stormwatcher, she'd heard them called everything from rats to bloodthirsty murderers... and one of them had killed Great-Aunt Bird. But, maybe they were just cats, just like the rest of them. Maybe her father had just seen things?

As if her thinking about him had summoned him into the conversation, Thymelight suddenly turned to her with a light of concern in her eyes. Something that happened? Something that involved Sunfire? A heavy sensation grew in the pit of Bubblebeam's stomach. "Wh-what do you mean? I... I don't know a lot about the battle, except that Beechfang and... and Great-Aunt Bird were killed. And apparently, some cat named Silverdusk helped you out." Here her gaze transferred to Honeydew, searching for some kind of explanation. "I know there was a lot of yelling in camp, but I couldn't make any of it out. It was just... too loud." The memory of that afternoon still prickled uncomfortably in her mind, screams and the scent of blood causing an impending headache. She winced and looked away, back at Thymelight. "What are you talking about? What about my father?" Maybe she should just walk out of the medicine den right now. Choose ignorance. Some part of her didn't want to hear it, wanted to hold onto her kithood self that hero-worshipped Sunfire and everything he did. But... that part of her had been shrinking for quite some time now. She hadn't called him by his kithood nickname for moons. Since... since the patrol. Since he hadn't helped her. Since he'd stopped looking at her. Discomfort encroached from all sides, but Bubblebeam tried to sit up straight. For once, she wouldn't be a coward. For once, she wouldn't run away. Whatever it was... she had to know. She trusted her sister Thyme and her friend Honeydew. "...Tell me."

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The fight-or-flight instinct, the desire to turn tail and run, kept pricking at Bubblebeam even as she did her best to sit still and listen. But she couldn't shake the sense of wrongness that crept up her spine, the sour worry in her stomach, the suspicion that whatever they had to say, she wouldn't like it. She had to stay, though. She had to listen. In this, at least... she would not be a coward. And yet the words they said felt like physical blows she had to wince away from.

"He viciously attacked an innocent medicine cat, Bubblebeam - out of nowhere - and I'm sure he would have killed him, if given the chance."

He... what?

She'd never understood battle, never understood the rage that took hold of cats as they fought and sparred with each other. The only time she'd ever been in a fight, it had been all she could do to defend herself, and even then she'd been torn to scarlet shreds. Sunfire had been there, then, too... but she hadn't been able to see him, with blood from the wound dripping into her eye. All she'd known was that he hadn't come to save her. So she had no experience to contrast Honeydew's words with. But that day--when he'd come back. The red on his fangs. The light in his eyes, that dangerous gleam directed at anyone who stood in his way. Bubblebeam didn't have trouble believing it... and that, somehow, was almost worse than the fact he'd actually done it. Actually attacked a medicine cat, actually killed a cat who got in his way. A non-combatant and someone trying to defend them. This was why the other Clans hated SkyClan, wasn't it? Because of cats like her... father. The images that Honeydew and Thymelight painted sent an irrepressible shudder down her spine. Her father. Killed a cat. Her father. Attacked a medicine cat. Her father. The labels didn't go together, didn't mesh, but she believed it. She couldn't deny it.

Bubblebeam's ears pinned back against her head. Her head swirled with images of that day when they'd returned, with how Sunfire had looked. Her father. Her father. She was related to a murderer, to a cat who tried to break the code and saw nothing wrong with it. "I... he..." What was she supposed to say to it? How was she supposed to react? She felt like she was going to throw up. Instead, her pale green eyes darted between Thymelight and Honeydew. "Does... does Wolfblossom know?" she found herself whispering. "Does she care? Is she going to do anything at all?" She loved her grandmother, but... How long would she excuse these things, turn a blind eye to violence around her just because it had not happened to her personally? How long would Bubblebeam ignore the things her Clanmates did just because she hadn't gone to battle? But, she had. The ugly scar on her face, the aching wounds that took so long to heal on her belly, all consequences from the actions of Sunfire. Her father. No one had cared about that, either. Nothing had happened. And now the screams, the deaths, Great-Aunt Bird... stars, had Great-Aunt Bird been like them, too? One of them? Bubblebeam let out a deep, shuddering breath as her love for her Clan began to shatter into sharp fragments, cutting into her chest.

"This is why we went to war... this is why you got hurt, Honeydew. For the death of a medicine cat. And Sunfire was just going to, what? Do it again? Keep the cycle of violence?" Her voice, past the sharp inhalations that attempted to calm herself down, sounded strained. "This is why they hate us. This is why I can't walk near the river anymore without worrying that I'll be attacked. Why can't things just be peaceful? We used to be friends with ThunderClan and RiverClan, right? Cats like Sunfire are why--no, Sunfire himself is why I..." Bubblebeam didn't want to bring up the scar. They'd been kind enough not to care about it; the last thing she wanted was a reminder of how it permanently marred her face. But, Birdstar's death, even Beechfang's death, and Honeydew now stuck in a nest in the medicine den recovering from painful wounds. She couldn't look at them anymore. Her gaze dropped to the floor. "This all could have been avoided." Her fluffy gray tail wrapped tightly around her paws. "I'm sorry, Thymelight, Honeydew, that my father was... no. That Sunfire did such a thing. That he's directly caused you so much trouble, so much pain. I don't condone..." Despite her attempts to be strong, to stay still, her eyes began to burn. "I don't think anyone should have been hurt in that battle, much less any medicine cat of any Clan. I... I wish it hadn't happened. I feel so bad. I'm sorry."

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The voices of Honeydew and Thymelight were soft, comforting, but Bubblebeam struggled to fully allow herself to be soothed. She wanted to believe in Wolfblossom, and that she'd do something about this--but what if she didn't? She wanted to not feel this nauseating guilt about the actions of her father, but that wasn't a conscious decision. Instead, she sat for a few moments, listening to them speak and trying to calm her own breathing. To represent the possibilities of a Clan... how was this the responsibility of young warriors like them? The Clan's future. SkyClan's future. Did she even want to be part of it? How much of this tangled mess was worth stepping in, over and over again, with some desperate hope of fixing things? How could she go against her father, against her grandmother? The thoughts swirled in on her, causing a momentary blackness to subsume her vision before she shook it away.

"Visit... RiverClan?" she repeated, eyes darting between her sister and friend. The words fell heavy from her mouth. The way that they talked about it, it made sense--especially since they'd both been at the war. But why did they want her to come? She hadn't been there; she hadn't been able to do anything. She would almost doubt that Honeydew meant her, if not for her specifically saying "the three of us." So there had to be a reason--right. Sunfire. Just like there had been a reason they were both talking to her now. My father's actions. I have to apologize for him... there's no way he'd do it himself. That was probably why they wanted her there. Bubblebeam tried to get the idea through her head of crossing a border on purpose. It felt strange, like if she'd tried to jump in the river and swim--which she might have to do, if they wanted to go to RiverClan. But Thymelight as a medicine cat was allowed to, and they would be escorting her, so....

"Okay." She tried to straighten up, tried to force her ears to perk back up from their pinned position. Tried not to acknowledge how weak she'd just been, or the sickening sensation that their words had caused in her. "Yeah... Thymelight is a medicine cat, so it's allowed to cross the border. I'm sure that an apology would be accepted. Well... I hope. None of them tried to attack you in retaliation for Littlesplash, right? That has to be a good sign." The thought of meeting the cat who had killed her Great-Aunt was also not pleasant. Just remembering how Sunfire's fangs had looked, gleaming red... Any cat who could do that was not someone she wanted to meet. But it would be okay. She had to believe it would be okay. If she believed it hard enough, maybe it would become true. "I...I'll go with you. Once you're strong enough, Honeydew, and once Wolfblossom approves. But you'll... tell her about Sunfire too, won't you?" Pale green eyes glanced between the two of them again, pleading. "If you've told me, then she should know."

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