The Darkness We Know is Not Our Home [C]

Falconmoon stood on the ridge and stared out across the world below. Blanketed in white, undisturbed snow lie a shimmering landscape. The sun had only just left the ground as the morning progressed, casting bright light and weak warmth on the forest. The sky was a pale blue, a perfect day with no clouds, yet Falconmoon's heart was not still. His soul was writhing in anxiety and an ever present weight of dread sat on his back. He'd broken away from his patrol to stand there and stare out. He needed a moment. "Go on ahead without me, please. I will catch up. Except for Beechfang. It's unwise to be alone right now." He said to them without looking at anyone in particular. He inhaled the biting cold air in a deep breath. The sting on his nose was an almost welcome distraction from the visions of doom that replayed in the young tom's mind. Once he was sure the rest of the patrol was out of earshot, Falconmoon's left ear swiveled toward the she-cat that stood with him. For several heartbeats there was silence. The words lingered in Falconmoon's mouth for quite awhile, reluctant to leave his lips like a shy kit in the nursery. But eventually, all kits had to leave. Eventually, the words came out.

"It's not fair, is it?" He reclined onto his haunches, still not looking at her. The breeze picked up and ruffled his ivory and gold fur, causing him to shudder ever so slightly. "All we want is to live with our families in peace, to better ourselves, to keep the shadows that beckon us at bay..." He blinked very slowly once, guarding his eyes against the biting frigid air. His tail tip slowly rose and fell and he swallowed. "Yet here we are on the brink of war, all because of two cats that can't take a personal loss and do what is right for everyone else." Now, he finally looked at her with a side eye. His pupils were the smallest of slits and his gaze was as cutting as ice. Throw her over. Jump. Do something. End it all. The thoughts came fast and furious, but were just as fleeting as individual snowflakes in a storm. He banished them away from the forefront o his mind and buried them in the multitude of other thoughts that plagued him. Likely they'd be back, but for now, he knew they could not afford to be against each other. Furthermore, there was a lighter side of Falconmoon that told him... no, reminded him that he no longer held any personal ill will against his sister. This was all only unfortunate circumstance. Once that reminder stuck, his pupils widened a bit, almost to normal size, and his gaze softened considerably. He looked back down at his paws and a heavy sigh escaped his lips. Slumping forward, his words fell from his lips as soft as a whisper.

"I'm scared, Beechfang." He admitted. His ears fell back against his skull and his tail went still. "I'm scared of what may happen to our family. I'm scared of what either of us may do when the claws and fangs start flying. I haven't had a cat's blood in my mouth since... " His voice trailed off, not wanting to remember exactly the last life he took. Had it been Bloodstar's? He honestly lost count of how many bodies he'd piled over the moons. Any time he tried to remember, the names and faces were often lost to a sea of red. "Was Cloverheart the only cat you willingly killed?" Right as he said it, he regretted his words. What did that matter? Furthermore, he wanted this to be a good conversation. Not a conversation that reminded Beechfang who suggested, and forced, her to kill both of their parents.

"Life's not fair. Never has been." She shrugged at Falconmoon's words. That was something she had grown used to and grown numb to a long, long time ago. All they could do was accept it and fight to survive despite it.

A soft huff escaped her, "Doesn't that sound familiar to you? Perchstar is a kit blinded by a sense of justice. She can't see anything else. I understand why she can't let Cloverheart's death go... She's not the only one who has dragged a clan into war because of the death of a loved one. I don't understand how she could see anything worth fighting for in obnoxious dung-for-brains Cloverheart, much less using cats who weren't even alive to know her... But I get where she's coming from. That's one kill I regret now." It had caused her family so much strife they hadn't deserved. She had wanted to be better than that after the dark forest, and all it had taken was one heated argument to prove she was every bit the cat that others in her family were.

And what a loaded question that was, who had she willingly killed? Cloverheart wasn't the only one, just the one with such far reaching consequences. Her parents were... Far from willingly ended, even if she had done what she could for the greater good and to prevent them from suffering further. The scarred tabby took a moment to answer, tail tip twitching back and forth.

"Lilacstar." She admitted, "She attacked me first during our raid on Windclan... Maybe she thought another medicine cat would be an easy target since grandpa attacked one. I wasn't Cloverpaw though, defenseless and sticking my nose where it didn't belong. She was out of leadership less than a moon later, I think." Coward couldn't handle it, or perhaps her own clan had turned on her. Beechfang didn't know and didn't much care.

"Such much foxdung to come out of one invasion of Windclan's camp... This is the nest I made, though. I'd rather our clanmates who had no part in it not have to face it at all. My kits don't deserve this, yours don't... None of them do."

"It does sound familiar, yes." He'd gone completely rabid at the death of Apollo, for more reasons other than that was his son. It was to send a message to the clans that any attack on the Forgotten Order would not go unpunished, whether the clans knew who they were or not. What better way to get the message out than skinning a few members and taking the leader's life? Falconmoon wasn't sure he regretted that in the slightest, in all truth.

At the mention of Lilacstar, Falconmoon couldn't help but snicker. "She really was a fool. She did every wrong thing she could have possibly done. Maybe she felt conflicted, I don't know. She should have let me stay, for all the trouble she went through. I could have killed a warrior or two and bolted out of there. It may have been enough for Skyclan to chase after me. She didn't even try to work something strategic out with me. I'm not surprised at all that she lost her leadership after that." Then another realization occurred to him. Did it matter if anyone knew now how he was able to stay with Windclan undetected for so long?

"By the way, they had no way of knowing I was... Dawnhawk. A rogue I met showed me how to change my appearance and kill my scent with this stuff called... um... ma... machine grease. It stained my fur black and I stunk to high Starclan. I only confessed after I started shedding and my white fur started poking through. Lilacstar told me I could stay at first, but I guess something happened to make her have a change of heart. Stars-cursed fool."

So much could have been avoided if either Lilacstar, or even anyone in Skyclan, would have stopped for a moment and talked. Oh well, it ended up working out for him in the end, in a weird way. Until now. What a weird twist of fate that his decision as well as Lilacstar's escalated into something this big. Something that now involved him more than it ever should have. It was his kits he worried for most, Honeydew especially. She was so young, so full of light and joy still. War had a way of taking things that were good and shredding them like so many unfortunate warriors.

"I know battles get messy, but we have to try to keep each other in check to the best of our ability. I have more faith in you than I do for me. I really don't want to be a Dark Forest cat in a white fur coat anymore. I hope you believe me. I hope you'll believe that even as I am fighting out there... and hopefully I don't...." His voice trailed off. He didn't need to finish for her to understand.

"One of her warriors confirmed where you were at the previous night's gathering. He was supposed to meet us at fourtrees later and never did. I assume he was found out, or maybe just a coward. Shrikestar, eventually. They wound up with Riverclan reinforcement awfully quickly." Beechfang shrugged. As to why Riverclan had wound up there she didn't know and didn't care. It had happened, and they all knew what had come from it. It had been long enough that the seething, explosive rage she had once felt was gone, replaced with a matter of fact telling.

Machine grease... So that was how he had stayed hidden. Of course it would have been shown to him by some rogue filth. Dustpaw's old prophecy came to her mind. "Part of a prophecy that led me to suspect Windclan... I thought there was a connection with their deputy at the time. 'Dawn rises, and expels the blackness of night to reveal the sunny light of day.'" The former medicine cat said slowly, "And after you maimed Smokefeather, she said there were dark stains on your pelt. Your pelt was only ever dirty if you allowed it to be." Machine grease... Whatever that was, the pieces seemed to fall into place as he explained. "I did wonder how you managed it, considering we'd only been warning the forest for moons about you. You must have reeked, and they never even questioned it?" Beechfang shook her head in mild disbelief... And a begrudging respect that he'd been able to pull that off.

A tattered ear twitched at Falconmoon's next words. War... They all knew it was coming, sooner or later Riverclan would take the fight to them. "Sooner or later Perchstar will realize vengeance isn't worth it... Not before our clanmates are hurt. I've dragged Skyclan through worse than what Riverclan is capable of and I regret it. Throwing away the lives of innocents just to get at one or two cats..." Beechfang shook her head. "We both know better, Falconmoon."

"I don't know how this will go, but it needs to end. Without more cats than necessary dying. But there's no honor in this. Riverclan wants my death, and that is all the justification that some will need to deal in kind. That will do nothing but cause further bloodshed." She let out a slow breath, then continued. "Neither of us need to become that, as messy as it'll get, as tempting as it will be. You have your kits to look out for, they don't deserve to see their father turn into that. As for my own... I'm worried about Birdstar. She's too much like me when I was her age. I love her but... The clan does not need more of that within their leadership. Wolfblossom is more reasonable... On a surface level."

There was a lot Falconmoon might have said, but instead he listened. Ha! I knew it was Shrikestorm that betrayed me. Foxing rat. His lips twitched into a smirk, proud of himself that he'd been correct. There was a prophecy about him too? He would have felt honored that even Starclan feared him enough to warn the clans about him, albeit in their stupid and obscure ways. Now though... it seemed so long ago it was irrelevant.

"Windclan was full of idiots that blindly welcomed anyone that crossed their borders. Only a rogue-born named Swiftspirit took any notice." What a bunch of fools they all were. Then the other part.... We both know better, Beechfang. Unfortunately no one else in this forest's leadership does. Being alive for so long changes the way you see things. One moment of satisfaction is not worth the lifetime of suffering it brings. But can you convince any of these other leaders of that? Fox no. They're right and there is no other way of looking at it. Imagine a world where leaders listen instead of feeling infallible because they've been blessed by Starclan." It would never happen. Youth truly was wasted on the young.

At the mention of his kits and that they didn't need to see him like... that, he nodded unquestioningly in agreement. Dawnhawk was hated by all of his kits save for a small few. What had happened to those small few? They died. Only the ones that despised him and cursed his name remain. He didn't want that again, though with Shatteredsky it did look like he'd still have at least a small dose of it forever.

"I will do my best to help guide Birdstar and Wolfblossom if something happens to you. But I also understand that they have a very hard time seeing beyond this young body Starclan put me in. I look like a dumb young tom. I expect until I prove myself, they will treat me as such when I try to speak about something they only believe they know more about. I don't think they would do it intentionally, but I expect it to happen nonetheless."

His mind returned to the battle, knowing any opponent he fought would not expect the amount of skill that he possessed for his "tender" age. At least he'd have that going for him. He wasn't worried for himself, but he feared for his kits. "I hope Honeydew doesn't go. She's bright and joyful by nature. It would wound me more than any claw or fang ever could to see that light go out."

"Justice, love... It blinds them to anything else. And common sense is not so common." Beechfang sighed, "Some of us only learn by making the same mistakes. Repeatedly. Only after we've dragged everyone we care about down with us." It was how she had learned. She had lived long enough to see her mistakes repeated, but younger cats simply would not understand until they had been given the same consequences.

"Someone has to break the cycle... Eventually. But it will be hard for any of them to see past their own nose. I get it, I was that way once. Young and naive and full of fury, believing it was my way or the thunderpath." She scoffed. "I've tried to make them both see reason in the past, but they are just as blinded by emotion as I was. That's the curse of having family and loved ones."

"I don't think they'd be intentional about it... Though I imagine your situation gives them quite the headache to get their minds around. You've... Proven level headed enough that they might listen to you, though." The mention of his daughter made her ear twitch. "She seems like a good cat. Bubblebeam, too. The last thing anyone should want is to take the brightest among us into a battle... You can't shield them from it, though. Eventually, sooner or later, there will be something. If not this, another group of foxes or rogue filth trying to take over the forest. Not everyone can hold onto that light in the face of war." She had seen what it had done to so many of her clanmates in the past. "You ought to spend more time with her. Harepaw and Shatteredsky too." She added.

You can't shield them from it. Boy wasn't that the truth. The world was too dark, too cruel, to allow light to burn bright for very long. And he had lead literal darkness to the forest himself. Of course Beechfang mentioned rogues taking over the forest, and to that he gave her a look. ...Really? Really Beechfang? Maybe it wasn't an intentional shot at him, but it poked a particularly sensitive area of his heart at this point. Spend more time with her, Shatteredsky too. Yes, he definitely needed to do that. His tail thumped on the ground a few times at the thought. "I suppose all I can do is be there for them. I will try to be better than... Well. I'll try to be better."

He wasn't sure what else to say to that. A heartbeat or two of silence passed between them before he spoke again. "If I die, and you don't... Maybe it would be better if they never knew about... the other me. If I make it to Starclan and they become leaders and need lives, maybe I will be selfish and take the time to explain it then. The other Starclan cats can wait their turn. Its just another job to them, but my kits are everything to me, regardless of how the think of me."

But then again, maybe everyone would die and no one would have to worry about anything anymore. A morbid thought? Yes, but comforting all the same in a way.

"Shatteredsky is already very resentful. I don't know if only spending time with him will change that but I can try."

Beechfang noticed the look Falconmoon gave her, but chose to ignore it, focusing instead on his response to her.

"I'm not sure how to help with Shatteredsky... I only know that at the lake, him and Brackenpaw reminded me a bit too much of us, when we were 'paws." Beechfang replied, "Someone needs to guide him. And not in the way our parents tried to. Pushing him away and ignoring his resentment and attitude won't make it go away, belittling him and saying that he should be grateful for what he has won't suddenly make him feel happy." The memory of Smokefeather's words still made Beechfang feel a little bitter, in truth. She had grown to appreciate her time as a medicine cat eventually, but it definitely hadn't been because of her mother. Or half the clan.

Telling others about himself... Beechfang could only shrug. "I don't know." She said, not for the first time. "That's something you have to decide for yourself. They might not take it the same way an older cat might, and there's something to be said for being honest. I think cats who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it... But that is your decision to make."