fog in the hollow (c)

She was here again.

Frostpaw let out a long, shuddering breath that showed starkly in the cold air. She didn’t want to be here. She wasn’t really here, anyways. No, she laid in a nest that stunk of sickness, barely able to twitch her paws, waking mind full of delusion. At least this was a solace from the nightmares and hallucinations, from the bloody coughs.

What had they done, to be punished so?

Hazeflight sat, her spine straight and her pointed tail curled neatly over her paws. She had felt the summons on a breeze that came from nowhere, guiding her to the waking apprentice before her. Silently, the slim she-cat watched as the apprentice rose shakily to her paws, eyes raking over the toll the sickness had taken on the apprentice. Hazeflight frowned, concern flashing across her face. None of this was okay, the sickness, the famine and now dragging terrified apprentices to StarClan to instil some form of wisdom in them. Hazeflight shook her head, and now she had a part to play in all of it, despite her protests. ”I’m sorry about your trip here, and your circumstances, Frostpaw.” sighed Hazeflight tentatively reaching a paw towards the apprentice. “My name is Hazeflight, and i am here to speak with you.”

Frostpaw lifted her head, wind brushing against her fur, and met the eyes of a StarClanner. This might inspire more reverent feelings in most cats, but right now, all she felt was tired. Tired and anxious. She wanted to be doing something to help her Clan, instead of being stuck half-in starry marshes. At least if she was all the way dead, she wouldn’t have to eat or take up resources. This truly was the worst of both worlds.

“My name’s Frostpaw. Who were you?” If there was one thing she’d learned, it was that StarClanners liked to talk about who they had been in life and what they had done, to pass on their histories so that their descendants did not make the same mistakes. She did not mind listening; it was a distraction, at least.

“Who am I?” Hazeflight echoed.

Memories of moons past danced in her mind composed of all emotions. Yet every single one was tinged with a bitter sadness. Memories of a wild reckless young she-cat that thirsted for adventure, who did what she wanted and did not care for the consequences. Memories of a young warrior forced to face the mistakes of her youth, and to try and be the warrior she should have been. Memories of her final moons, a solitary cat without a clan dwelling on the past and rotting in incurable misery. Now she was here, amongst the stars. Her life had been eventful to the day the least, but it had been far from happy. It wasn’t one she wanted to share with Frostpaw.

There were happy moments too Hazeflight supposed, though few and far between. Most memories led by Flamestrike, her kits and even Eagleheart - despite the bitter terms they ended on. The pride she held for her children was immeasurable, she could talk about them for eternity. While in many aspects, Hazeflight considered herself a failure as a parent, she had loved them fiercely, even Wolffang despite everything that had happened. Wolffang would have been a better warrior, a better cat, if Hazeflight had been a better mother. Even the kids that had left with Eagleheart, that she never knew were never far from the bengal warrior’s mind. Marshpaw, no the great leader Oakstar would have stayed in ShadowClan had she been better. And Flamestrike, she considered him a son, perhaps things would have been different for him too if she hadn’t gotten tangled up in his life. Still, fate had taken them on their path, and she had watched with pride as they had grown and matured. Wolffang becoming a  better mother than she ever had, Watching Oakheart transform into a leader, and Flamestrike so different from his brother in all the best ways.

But she had still failed them as a mother, and she had failed Eagleheart as a mate even if their love had been forbidden. She had failed Tigerflower as a daughter, Failed Moonpaw as a friend, and failed her clan in more ways than she cared to count.

”I was a fool and a failure.” she answered.

Frostpaw flicked an ear. For all that StarClan did hold powers beyond her comprehension (the marsh turning to blood immediately came to mind), the cats here were still flawed and broken in ways that death could not fix. On one paw, it was a relief to think that one did not change when one died, but on the other, the fact that their fates were in the paws of cats just as flawed as themselves?

“Alright then,” she answered dryly. “That is certainly a statement.”

Hazeflight laughed. “and it is a true one.” she meowed in agreement. She turned her back on the apprentice, tail ticking. ”StarClan want me to tell you my story, or the history of the forest that I influenced.” influenced. It was insane to think that her actions had had such an impact on the forest, and still did. Even now her blood lived on in WindClan, and ThunderClan, places she herself had never been. The actions of a young mother, having influenced a bloodline. Her kin also suffered as she had too it seemed, never an easy life and a punishment for being moons down the line the product of Hazeflight’s mistakes. StarClan was cruel, and it seemed Frostpaw was already well aware of that fact.

“You can choose where to start, i have no preference the stories are all… well I’ll try and make them have happy endings. You can choose between my kits Wolffang, Oakstar and…” she paused for a moment, not sure if she should say it or admit it aloud. Hazeflight was dead, her words hardly mattered, and he was a son to her. she had accepted that fact long ago, despite how others were inclined to feel about it. “Flamestrike. Each of them played a part in shaping the forest that you know today. Which do you choose?” finished Hazeflight, turning to face Frostpaw again.

Ah. More riddles and trickery, more spider-web-spinning that Frostpaw did not wish to deal with. She knew naught of this she-cat nor of her past. Without knowledge, how was she supposed to know which cat to ask about? This felt like a trick, like a trap, or perhaps she was merely being paranoid. With a flick of her ear, the small apprentice considered. There was a right answer here, she had merely to find it.

Oakstar she immediately disregarded as the obvious choice. That left Wolffang, the first one to be mentioned, and Flamestrike. The hesitation had not been over-much, she thought, and so the small she-cat sat herself down and prepared to listen attentively.

“Who was Flamestrike, then?”

It was like being sucked into the marsh, and struggling, fighting to get out, and then sinking beneath, gasping your last. Hazeflight had seen it happen, been a second too late to save someone from that fate. Trying to recall so far back in her short, but eventful life felt unbelievably murky, and she wanted to speak of the flaming warrior as best she could. It wasn't that she didn't remember Flamestrike - no, far from it. There was just so much to him, and their relationship, how intertwined all of the important people in Hazeflight's time in the marsh were. Unlike most of her relationships, the silver bengal had almost no regrets when it came to him. Everything that had occurred had been out of her control, and mostly out of Flamestrike's control. He had always been a good warrior.

After what felt like eternity (or similar too, seeing as Hazeflight now knew what the eternal felt like), she found her voice, and the words that she had been searching for. "Flamestrike was my first and only apprentice." began the star speckled warrior "He wasn't my kin by blood, but I raised him as my own. In my lifetime, he was the only one of my sons that I saw become a warrior. I saw myself in him, but he is a far better cat and warrior than I am. He's somewhere here amongst StarClan, I should..." her voice trailed off, but Hazeflight was smiling. A genuine smile. A smile that hadn't graced her maw in... well, she didn't know how long. Talking about Flamestrike, the outstanding light in her life and pride while alive, it made her shimmer and glow with pride. Her blue eyes, perhaps a slightly glossy with the pin pricks of tears that had started to pool, turned warmly to Frostpaw. Hazeflight hoped Frostpaw's mentor felt the same pride she did for Flamestirke with Frostpaw.

"I found him alone in the marshes, his fiery pelt made him stick out like a sore paw. I was only an apprentice, but I took him in as my own as best I could. He was very cute. Apprentices can't be parents, but StarClan be StarClan forgive us no one could stop me from trying to adopt him. I ended up fast tracking my training, and when I earned my warrior name, I soon earned myself an apprentice." her tone shifted though as she continued, Hazeflight's heart twisting as she recalled what came next, when despite the loss she'd already experienced it would increase ten-fold. Everything woud change, her whole family... The snowy molly had to take a moment to recuperate herself, to compose herself, and to wait for the lump in her throat to dissipate. "But I was an apprentice, and my skills not as sharp as I thought they were. Flamestrike had a brother, and if he were there I didn't notice him. Perhaps if Bear, as Flamestrike had called him, had experienced the love Flamestrike did, he wouldn't have become the monster that he was. Perhaps he saw me, saw me leave him and formed his own personal vendetta against me! It is ironic how the cat I adore so much was related to the cat I loathe most. Bear took everything from me." finished Hazeflight, her voice rising in anguish. Bear was gone, he had died while she was still alive, had been brought to some form of justice, but... justice would not bring back Tigerflower, or Puddlepaw. Justice would not fix her unsavageable relationship with Wolffang. No, there was nothing that could ever compensate for everything Bear had cost her and her family. If he was not rotting in the dark forest, his soul tortured, like he had tortured her's... the rest does not need to be said, but Hazeflight's claws flexed and unsheathed.

OOC: changed haze's text colour on all her posts bc it is gen unreadable why did i do that to myself