reflecting up from a puddle (c)

Yellow eyes. Deep wounds in her belly. A slash of claws aimed directly at her face.

Bubblepaw blinked hard, trying to shake herself back to reality. Somehow the cold air did nothing to keep her focused on what was actually happening. For a moment she closed her eyes, allowing herself to hear the sound of snow crunching beneath her paws. Walking. She was walking. On a patrol. Right--that was why memories had come flashing back for a brief moment. It had been a patrol just like this one... only with more cats. Right now, it was just her and Auntie Graywind. Timidly, the apprentice sent another gray-green-eyed glance towards the warrior. Sunfire's sister, Gramma Wolfblossom's daughter. A constant figure of responsibility in her life. But as far as she could remember, they hadn't patrolled together since the skirmish at the Fallen Oak. Graywind had agreed with her that fighting was a bad idea, but they'd both been forced into it anyway. Some quiet part of Bubblepaw wanted to bring it up, wanted to ask about it. But the rest of her wasn't brave enough, so she swallowed the bitter-tasting idea down. Instead she kept quiet and glanced around for prey, or possible enemy cats. Hopefully there would be plenty of the former, and none of the latter.

A cough escaped Graywind as she breathed in the cold air, a shiver working its way down her body. Despite the cold air she felt hot, and weariness still dragged at her paws... But her condition was far better than it had been thanks to Smokepetal's herbs. She'd been allowed to go on a patrol finally, and Bubblepaw had come with.

"It feels nice to get out of camp finally, stretch my legs." Graywind mewed, golden eyes taking in the new and unfamiliar surroundings. "Moons here and this is the first time I've been out of camp... Stars." She shook her head, glancing back toward her gray-furred niece, "How have you been, Bubblepaw?" They hadn't patrolled together since just before leaving the forest territories behind... And Graywind didn't enjoy the memories of that feather-brained patrol at all.

Right, the illness. The sickness that had somehow skipped over Bubblepaw completely, leaving her to patrol alone while most of her family members coughed and slept and shivered. A glance showed that Graywind did look a bit more tired than before, but thankfully not as sick as she must have been previously. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Auntie," Bubblepaw said with a small smile. At the other question, though, the smile became difficult to keep. "I mean, I haven't been sick. So it could be a lot worse. But..." How honest did she want to be? Their first time out together in a long time didn't seem opportune to dump all of her worries on Graywind. Ploverpaw, ThunderClan, everything. There was little point. So she attempted the smile again. "I'm doing as well as I can."

"I'm glad someone avoided the illness." She mewed, "I know I'm not... completely better, but I feel like a cat again. I can't imagine how much everyone's got their paws full." Smokepetal, Bearpaw, Thymepaw... The medicine cats deserved all the fresh kill they could get. And the few cats who weren't too sick must have been working their tails off.

'Not sick' and 'as well as I can' were quite different from each other, Graywind knew. "You sure, Bubblepaw? If you need someone to talk to..." It didn't feel quite right, considering how long Graywind had been out on her paws for, but her niece's 'but...' had said things weren't as well as they could be. Unless Graywind was just reading too much into it. Hopefully that was it.

Auntie Graywind wasn't dumb. Bubblepaw frowned a little bit, looking off into the unfamiliar landscape of trees as if they held some kind of answer. She didn't want to lie to her aunt. But she didn't quite feel like dumping everything onto her, either. It would be unfair. If there was one thing she was, though, it was incapable of being silent. Not when the quiet could be filled with conversation. So she had to say something. Eventually, she settled on addressing part of it... since Ploverpaw still hurt too much to even think about, and that problem had no real solution they could devise. "I'm a coward," she said, lashing her tail once behind her. The word tasted sour. "I mean--you were there at the patrol. I wasn't any help. I got slashed to pieces and cried the whole time. How can I ever hope to be a warrior? I hate fighting. I'm no good at it either. I'm not even that good at hunting. Really, I'm just kind of useless." Well she hadn't intended to say all of that. Hesitant pale-green eyes met Graywind's then darted away, somewhat ashamed.

Graywind's ears flicked back as her niece finally spoke, her dismay at hearing Bubblepaw speak with such doubt about herself obvious. Graywind turned to face her, golden eyes softening, "You're not a coward, Bubblepaw." She spoke, "Crying isn't indicative of that, you tried despite it. That seems more like bravery to me." She added. She could understand how her niece felt too though, with how that border patrol had turned into such violence. "I should have done more to prevent that fight from happening. None of it was necessary." A warrior's duty was to protect, and she had failed at that too. She had caved so easily to Sunfire's desire to feed the clan at any cost, and it had landed them all in trouble for it.

"Defeat doesn't mean you're a terrible fighter, either. That skirmish simply wasn't ours to win. Not when they had a clan leader on their side. Not when we were already starving."

Defeat wasn't the problem. It would have been better if she'd won, but that didn't quite strike at the center of the issue that was clawing at her from inside. Bubblepaw let out a quiet sigh. It was nice of Auntie Graywind to try and make her feel better. "I guess not," she murmured. "I'm just... I'm more worried about what it means for me. As an apprentice, and as a SkyClan cat. How am I supposed to be a warrior if I can't stand fighting?" She looked over at Graywind again, trying to meet her gaze. "I mean--look, what if war really does happen? I hear everyone talking about it. ThunderClan doesn't like us right now, and RiverClan doesn't either. What if I have to help defend the Clan and I just... can't do it?" Her soft gray tail waved around behind her again, lashing into the empty leaf-bare wind. "The warrior vows ask if I'll fight and risk my life for the Clan. What if I end up freaking out too much and I can't do it?... Is Birdstar gonna kick me out?"

"I don't think anyone enjoys fighting, Bubblepaw. Or... Well, they really shouldn't." Sunfire sure seemed to, and the scars across Bloodstrike and Beechfang's pelts told enough of a story to her. But they were outliers, not every cat in Skyclan would enjoy it and none of them wanted war.

"Birdstar would never kick you out because you froze up during a fight." That much, Graywind believed. "Battles are... They're terrifying. There's no shame in admitting that." The foxes more than Thunderclan, though the fight against the cats across the border had invoked a different sort of terror than the mindless beasts did. "...I don't know. I think if someone we cared about was in enough danger, we might act on instinct, regardless of our fear. I wish we didn't have to, though." She sighed, "Sunfire made a mistake, but the fault is mine for not stopping him. I want to believe things could be solved peacefully still but... I think a few of our cats have made mistakes - some less forgivable than others. I don't know if peace is something others can accept, but as much as I want it..." Graywind sighed. "We might have to fight anyways. It's not fair, but it won't be the first time and it won't be the last. But Birdstar isn't a bloodthirsty cat. Mom isn't either. I know they'll do everything they can to avoid a war."