We keep fixing what we know is only bound to break (c)

Tallpaw picked his way past his clanmates, gently brushing against Sootstorm in passing before finding where the queens had decided to settle down for the night. He dropped one of the mice he had swinging from his jaws and dipped his head to them before gingerly picking up the second and making his way towards the silhouettes of his denmates who were sharing tongues and getting comfortable in the grass. Old habits die hard, and most of the apprentices tended to group up like they did back in camp. It was not difficult to pick out the sprawled lump of golden fur. Shaking his head fondly, he quietly stepped over and around the cats in his path until he stood over Goldenpaw, unsure if she was asleep already or just resting her eyes. He dropped the mouse he was carrying and gently nudged her over a bit so he could curl up next to her.  The golden tom licked her shoulder to rouse her, wiggling a bit to get comfortable. “You’re a terrible nest builder.” He huffed, laying his sharp chin over her back.

“But I brought you a mouse, you should eat something.” He closed his eyes, focusing on the steady rise and fall of her breath. The wind nipped at his ears, but it was warm enough with the shapes of his clanmates all around. “Have I ever told you about my siblings?” Tallpaw asked quietly into the stillness. The older he got, the more dim their shapes felt. He wondered if he might forget the color of their fur, or the sounds of their voices one day. He didn’t know if he should call that grief or healing, the slow sloughing off of their memories. “I’ve been dreaming about them recently. I don’t know why. I always forget exactly what the dream was about… Just the smell of the nursery from before stays stuck up in my nose.” The  fading gorse petals, the milk-scent, the unpleasant curl of sickness that always lingered after, so vivid he could never tell if it was still the dream or if the scent was wafting over from the other clans.

”Sometimes I’m glad they aren’t here, to see things get this bad. But I'd also do anything to have them back.” It had been easy enough to push down any lingering barb of weakness back when things were normal. Apprentice duties, hunting patrols, there was always a task he could throw himself into to avoid feeling anything but exhausted. Now it was impossible to ignore the unease that made a home for itself under his fur. The unknown chafed at him constantly, an inescapable dread that settled like a stone in his belly.