companionship [c]

Her mind had slipped into a familiarly numb state some time ago. Just how long it had been, she could not truthfully tell. It was some time between the gathering and the promised half-moon, the one at which her mother had made the call for all Clans to leave their homes. Any other time, she would not have cared. Perhaps have been thankful, even, for the departure that meant a break from the painfully repetitive movements that she carried herself each and every night while she marched beneath Thunderclan's banner. But that was a life she had left behind. No longer was she a warrior of the bracken and bark. She was one of the river, as fluid and as mysterious. It felt wrong to have something so new ripped away so suddenly, and though she had still been processing the events of her moonstone... The call slipped her right back to familiar habits.

Restless nights and insomnia had plagued her as harshly as greencough could a kit ever since that gathering. Images of how poorly her brother across the stones appeared, of the realization that the entire forest was struggling. She was not one to particularly care, but that did not mean it did not haunt her in its unique ways. Recoiling within herself, placing up layer after layer of shadow and ice was all she could do in defense. To not allow her new clanmates to see the way she herself was withering as the rest of them. How her fur had thinned out from lack of nourishment, how some of her muscles had withered too. So easy would it have been for her to also slip into a perpetual vigil, to silence. But it was Flutterpetal's words that sounded in her mind. I ask that you live a long life before coming to stay with me permanently.

He asked her to live. So live she would. Even if it was all she could focus on, all she could do. Even as she rolled, curled and uncurled, paced, prodded. Even as tears threatened to shatter through those layers at the sight of flower patches that they walked past. It was suffocating to have everything remind her of him when she had done so much to convince herself that she was at a point to simply keep his memory.

It was yet another night that she could not sleep. Her pelt did a fantastic job of hiding how hollowed her eyes appeared from her inability to rest, but it did make the scar that ran across one of her eyes appear larger than it truly was. Slowly blinking, she rose from the nook she had chosen to rest. There was something to be said for the fact she had kept her pride so strong for so long... but for whatever reason, this was her breaking point. She had fitful nights of sleep even since she had moved to the warrior's den. Well, there was no warrior's den here and now, and instead, she could mingle and rest with whoever she pleased.

Recalling the last time she had slept soundly... only one other element had changed. Just who her nest was next to. In the midst of the night, it did not take her long to find the brown-tinted pelt, rising and falling with the rhythms of breath. Her ears pinned backwards for just a moment before she swallowed the emotions that welled-whether anxiety or pride, she could not quite discern. Approaching silently, once the distance had been closed, it took much of her strength not to immediately turn around again. To go back to the cove she had chosen for the evening. Instead, she craned her head forward, gently pressing her nose into his fur with just enough pressure to stir him. Just as softly, her voice would ask. "May I sleep by you?" It was a struggle simply to get those words out. But even through sleep-blurred eyes, one glance at her own would reveal the fact it was a quiet plea.

Silence was sometimes deafening. She had faced that type of silence many times before. Whether it be in the depths of night in Thunderclan's lands, in which the quiet was an omen to be interpreted as a warning for a predator about to show their claws, or as she found grief staring at her with its mocking eyes. There was one of those which were simply familiar, and the other which bore pain. In this instance, she felt that familiar pain rising in her chest. It was pulling everything inwards, tightening her lungs and every muscle in her torso. Already, it was making it feel like it was difficult to breathe, and Murkyriver found herself ultimately holding her breath as she waited for an answer.

It was getting to a point that the silence was not so much deafening as it was strangling. The lack of an answer was beginning to make that anxiety rising within her to become almost too much to bear. She had pushed herself in simply approaching the tom, even more so in finally reaching out a paw to wake him. He seemed to look for his litter-mate first upon rising, as she had unknowingly begun watching every single move of his like a hawk as she awaited his answer. Her orange gaze was somewhat wide-eyed as she stared at him, standing ethereally still as she waited. Waited, waited, and waited, counting every one of his breaths as sleep continued to threaten to pull the tom right back in before he could provide her an answer. To the scarred tortoiseshell warrior, it felt like a brand of torture. Sure, she was no better in providing answers in a timely manner, but part of her almost felt as if she was simply being shunned. Like she was a ghost just being ignored. Truth be told, it hurt. It hurt a lot more than she wanted to admit.

But finally, finally, he looked her way. Surprised blinks dimmed her glowing gaze, rendering it to a flickering ember for several heartbeats as she had to rehydrate her eyes in consequence of her staring. They had blurred from her lack of blinking, but quickly enough, her eyes once more focused in the night. From the slow blink that he gave her way, it hid the majority of her shock of him simply acknowledging her. At the very least, it also soothed the flaming, searing pain that had blistered through her chest.

Quiet, rapid breaths of that very anxiety filled the space between them as she fully awaited his response. Just when she had enough and was about to tell him to forget it, to go back to sleep and apologize for daring to rouse him from his much-needed rest, she heard his reply. It was the reply she had been hoping to hear, just much, much later than she had hoped. At least it finally came, and she could feel her thrumming heart still roaring in her ears as she released a particularly long breath. She hardly acknowledged it, but the heat billowed out into a cloud aside her as she sighed. A by-product of the frigid temperatures that threatened the lives of their weaker clanmates and kin. In the back of her mind, there was a silent dose of gratitude that she did not have to worry about any Riverclan kits to fall prey to its chill. Had there been any... she was certain it likely had claimed a few lives at this point.

His warning did not fall on deaf ears. In fact, her own twitched in reply. "You, too?" There was a gentleness to her voice that did not often exist during conversation. If anything, it almost sounded as if it had some semblance of bashful relief that she was not the only one. However, the fact that Dovepaw had been having trouble sleeping gave her some semblance of hope. Did he also miss her company from the apprentice's den? No, that was a silly thought. She was the strange one. He had his family members that were all quite close to him as company each night as he needed, that much was apparent in the fact that the very first pelt he searched for was that of his sister, Pidgeonpaw. Murkyriver did not blame him for that at all, in fact, there were times she found herself missing the company of her siblings. Not that she had slept at the same time as them, but there were occasions in which Thrushnose had joined her for a midday nap. She still remembered those times fondly.

As he mentioned the cold, though, did Murkyriver finally notice that she had been shivering. Truthfully, it was likely much more due to the anxiety that she had been feeling near-consumed by than the cold, but that did not excuse how it bit into her pelt. Even as she had found a crook of a tree to sleep in, it only went so far as to keeping her warm. With her claws subconsciously attempting to dig themselves into the forest floor, she looked about. "Give me one moment," Murkyriver stated. Turning to return to where she had taken up a resting place, it took only a few heartbeats of looking for her to find the surprisingly abundant clump of moss. Perhaps her early claim to the location had deterred other forest cats from attempting to claim it for their own nests. Peeling it away from the bark with a skilled claw, it was not much longer before she was able to return with the bundle. It was certainly enough for one cat, but easy enough to make into a large ring for two if they shared the space.

Adjusting the moss into a particularly large nest-like shape, she stepped away. "We will... have to share. But it should fit us both. If that is okay." Thankfully, the darkness of the night hid the more minute details of her expression. It hid the nervous twitch of her whiskers, and masked just how much her paws shook as she had worked to create the nest for the both of them. She told herself that the moss was simply too precious of a resource and that it was too cold to attempt to create separate nests. After all, she also had been close enough to practically share a nest with him when they were both apprentices. Even though she had earned her name rather quickly, little had changed otherwise. Unfortunately for her, though, what the darkness failed to conceal was the anxious kneading of her paws at the edge of the moss as she hoped it would be an acceptable solution. It was a quirk she had inherited from her mother, though it rarely came out. Given she was a vibrating, anxious, exhausted mess at the moment though... it was impossible to conceal.

His cry for her to pause had seemed to flit away on the wind, indicated as much by her return that had led to the situation that was now presented before the two youthful felines. Her paws continued to strip away miniscule threads of the moss that she had compiled into a nest, and it wasn't until her claws had worn down the edge to the chill ground did the solid earth beneath finally bite back at her to tell her to stop her mindless movements. Blinking away the embarrassment that came from her idle movements, she subtly reshaped the moss that she had so blindly shredded. Hopefully, he wouldn't take too much notice.

She watched with a very careful gaze as he took his place amidst the nest. A particularly minute head tilt was the only indication that her observations were friendly in nature, as with the dim lighting, the faint glow of her amber eyes may as well have been a predatory promise to deliver nothing short of an ill-fated end. Instead, it was simply her stoic curiosity manifesting itself in the only method that she herself even knew was possible. Sharp winds rushed by without any semblance of care for the pelts they bit through, and Murkyriver could not cease her own frame from shivering from its chill. Despite her own pelt being tufted with particularly soft, downy fur, it did little as each tendril of air seemed to strike right at its thinnest points. Pearly-white canines flashed in the grimace that came as she braced the cold, only to be lowered a heartbeat later.

As soon as Dovepaw had settled into his own crook of the nest, the only affirmative that registered would be a slight tip of her head. Almost as soon as the word had left the tom's mouth, the tortoiseshell was resting right up against his frame. It was nothing more than a maneuver to provide the optimal exchange of body heat, especially as she slightly curved herself in such a manner that had the entire length of her own body practically wrapping around his own. Though chilly at first, it wasn't long before she could feel the warmth that had hidden in the layers of his own pelt seeping to mix with her own, even as the warrior couldn't cease the shivering of her own body entirely. Little time passed before the bursts of vibration would become less frequent, but she stayed silent about any comments that she had. She would simply blame it on the cold, and not the prickling feeling deep in her belly that she had only felt once before.

Shoving that feeling deep away, her paws stretched out just enough so she could rest her head atop them. "Alert me if I disturb you." The volume of her voice had plummeted to a gentle whisper, one that would be impossible to hear beyond the confines of their shared nest. She had not ever shared a nest outside of the one that had been with her and her littermates at birth, and as such, the molly was not entirely sure if she actually had any movements in her sleep. Murkyriver knew that there were many times that claws raked across the deepest corners of her mind during her most vulnerable of moments while in slumber, but whether or not that translated to the outer, waking world... it was lost on her. Truthfully, she was not in a position for her curiosity to be sated in finding out with such favorable company.

"Rest well, Dovepaw," Murkyriver offered in a semblance of forced friendliness. After all, she had been the one to approach and wake him in order to share a nest. To act favorably, or friendly as Thrushnose would have put it, was the least she could do in exchange. The warmth that she had in sleeping on her own had been miniscule compared to what she now felt, and it was a steady heat that was beginning to almost burn at her nose as her mind processed just exactly what she was doing. Given the winds that brushed over the tops of their pelts, it was an extremely quick conclusion in her mind that it was simply the dichotomy of warmth to cold being exaggerated. Certainly not at all with how she was anxious to occupy a space so close to another, certainly not to do with just how strange she felt in allowing her pelt to brush up against another cat's, much less that of a clanmate. More often than not, she found herself utterly repulsed by the idea of even sharing a nest in the same confines of a den, wanting nothing to do with the physical touch of another. Yet... at her core, there was an undeniable calm that finally settled in, as if the innermost shadow of her being had finally found its own nest.

Sleep seemed as far off as it had been before she had approached, but perhaps she would actually be able to find something akin to rest. That was the hope that she clung to, at least, as she tucked herself just ever-so-slightly closer. Simply clinging to the warmth that her clanmate offered during an utterly frigid night, she told herself. After all, what were clanmates for if not to form some semblance of a bond? Dovepaw had been the first Riverclan cat to hold a friendly exchange with her aside from Rowansong, and the forced grace that Perchstar had given her hardly counted. Had she encountered this evening whilst still serving as Thunderclan's nocturnal sentry, would she have sought the company of her sister? Likely not. If there were any cat she would dare allow herself to be so vulnerable around, it would have been Thrushnose. After all, the first time she'd been so vulnerable with Firefly amidst the world of the waking, it had led to juvenile fangs piercing themselves into her flank. Such a memory sent a brief huff of air out of her nose in what could have been amusement just as likely as it could have been frustration.

Pondering the what-if's would be no use to the molly, though. Instead, her focus turned once more to the present. Slightly-flattened ears honed in upon the sounds that came from each inhale and exhale of her nest-mate, her own body falling into a similar rhythm. Murkyriver kept her eyes closed in an attempt to grasp for any fiber of sleep, willing herself to cease every time a shiver began to make her frame quiver from nose to tail-tip. There would be no way to convince Dovepaw that it was just the cold if she kept buzzing all night, but perhaps luck would be on her side and allow him to fall into deeper slumber before such a question would be prompted. Even as the warrior herself was certainly well-adjusted to functioning on minimal sleep, it was not a fate she wished upon her clanmate.