a moment between us [C]

It was quiet. Normally in a moment of rare and precious downtime, Perchstar would feel drawn to take a walk around the territory--perhaps to hunt or to patrol the borders, or simply to enjoy the new warmth of newleaf and to think. That luxury was no longer hers. Nearly every waking moment when something else did not demand her attention, her kits had to be her priority. Every second one of them was near her, they would bother her with questions, or demand she return to the nest so they could sleep together, or simply badger her until she gave in and gave them attention. She could not remember being hardly so needy when she had been their age--but then again, she could hardly remember being their age. She knew that kits were supposed to be like this... however, she really had very little clue how to behave around them as a responsible adult figure, let alone as their mother. Mother. That word still felt odd to her. What did it mean? She had birthed these kits, but how was she supposed to mother them?

Due to finally finishing her conversation with Rowansong earlier about his new apprentice, Perchstar found herself back in the nursery, which she tried her best not to feel frustrated by. The nests were overstuffed with feathers and moss; the quarters felt cramped with the many, many kits that had been born in her absence as well as her own; it seemed claustrophobic compared to her usual quarters in the leader's den. But here she was, and here were her kits. All were napping soundly, it seemed. They all tended to rest easier when she was next to them. As odd as it felt to have them all cuddling into her this way, she had begun to get used to it. It almost felt... nice, at times. When she was feeling like it, and not wishing that she could be out and about on her own. Sometimes it felt stifling. But right now, it was okay. They could all sleep and she could sit and think.

Or--apparently not all of them were asleep. Her oldest daughter stirred. Willowkit's piercing blue eyes were open, and a whispered question found its way into the air. And there was that term again--"Mama." She had not told them what to call her; it seemed to have come naturally to them. She did not want to correct them. It would be unkind to force a kit to call their mother by her given name. It reminded her a little bit of being called "Auntie Perch" by some of Poppyshine's children (which momentarily caused a pang of grief for Minksplash and Sootspirit, who she had been told drowned a few weeks before her return). However odd the term felt, it was hers. Just another moniker to bear. Leader, warrior, Clanmate... "Mama."

"What being a leader is like?" Perchstar repeated thoughtfully, glancing down at Willowkit's calm, yet eager expression. It was not something she was often asked. Other cats tended to either assume (correctly) that the job was difficult and stressful, or (incorrectly) that she enjoyed having power and authority over her Clanmates. It spoke well of Willowkit that even at this age, she was respectful enough to ask about things that made her curious. "It is a hard job. As I'm sure you've noticed, it takes up a lot of my time. Leaders oversee everything in the Clan--from big things, like relations with neighboring Clans, to little things, like the relations between mentors and apprentices. Leaders need to know everything that is happening, and they need to know how to make wise decisions in times of crisis." As it often did when she thought about her position and all it entailed, her torn-up ear flicked unconsciously. "But leaders aren't able to do everything on their own. That is why they have a deputy, like I have Poppyshine. And they have other senior warriors to ask for advice. Also the medicine cat interprets prophecies from StarClan and shares them with the leader. Really, the whole Clan works together to make sure everything gets done. But there is a lot of extra work for the leader."

Perchstar was somewhat surprised by how easily the little tabby soaked up her words, coming back with another question just as quickly. Another question that many were not smart enough to wonder, let alone ask. This made Willowkit one of perhaps four or five other cats who had truly asked her about her thoughts on the high-ranking position she held. It was a question that Perchstar's answer to had changed many times throughout her life. And right now, the answer was... "Yes, I have wished that before," she murmured softly. It was the truth. She would be lying if she said that she'd never doubted herself or wished for freedom from her responsibilities. Even just last moon, she'd had a moment where she genuinely considered leaving it all. "But everyone has those moments. No matter how good and fulfilling something is, when it is difficult, we all have moments of weakness and wishing. But in my strongest moments, I would not trade being leader of RiverClan for anything. I learned long ago that despite my failings, I can do much more good this way than any other. I am not so foolish as to believe that RiverClan needs me... but I need RiverClan. The job is hard, but it is worth doing, and someone must be the one to do it." Perhaps her words were too large and concepts too vague for the kit to grasp. Perchstar gently nosed the top of Willowkit's head. "The short answer is yes, but not most of the time. Would you like to be leader someday? Do you know what you would like to become?"