cause it led me back... (solo)

Every day, they were getting closer. Just yesterday Felix had said they’d reach the forest in no time. Just yesterday she’d begun to see the tops of the trees peek over the seemingly endless skyline of rooftops that no longer seemed quite as dreary as before. But for some reason, Perchstar found it difficult to be excited. Perhaps it was just because she’d been homesick for so long, the prospect of returning didn’t feel real. Perhaps it was the knowledge of how much cleaning up she would have to do when she returned. Perhaps it was the fear that prodded at her every time she closed her eyes--the fear that they didn’t miss her after all. That Poppyshine had taken her lives. That the Clan was better off without her around.

Or maybe it was just because she had been feeling so sick.

It was odd. Perchstar hardly ever felt ill. But a few days after the night they’d been caught in the storm together, she had been even more exhausted than usual. She’d been vomiting nearly every morning. Though she wasn’t eating more than she did in RiverClan (despite feeling hungrier recently), and she spent each whole day walking, she had begun to gain weight. She felt loose--saggy--tired.

At first she’d tried to keep it a secret from Felix. But after she had to stop in the middle of the day and throw up in an alleyway, she could sense that he had been slowing down the pace of their travel. It frustrated her, because she wanted to demand that they continue proceeding to the forest as fast as possible. But she could not deny that her speed was greatly slowed by how awful she felt. Had the rats she was eating given her some kind of disease? Was this StarClan’s way of punishing her? She was no medicine cat, so it was nearly impossible to tell. Frustration was her nearly constant companion, as well as the strange exhaustion she could not shake.

I’m almost there, she tried to tell herself. It will all be worth it. I’ll be home again.

She had driven herself forward with thoughts of home for so long, it seemed like an unattainable dream. Did RiverClan even exist? Had she simply dreamed up her interactions with cats like Poppyshine, Stormdance, Brookstone? Had she been wandering Twolegplace for her whole life?

Once again, she felt a tremor run through her body. Nausea thickened in the back of her throat. She stopped walking abruptly, turning sharply to the side of the path they were walking. Felix glanced back to see she had halted, and patiently waited for her to return.

She heaved. Her fangs tasted like acid. Disgusted by her constant sickness, Perchstar took only a moment to groom her whiskers before walking back up to the loner, trying to keep her tired expression neutral.

”Let’s keep going,” she said resolutely. ”We can’t be far now.”

He blinked at her hesitantly. ”Are you sure? You haven’t been well these past days.”

”So what?” she sighed. They both knew she wasn’t at her best, but that changed nothing. ”I won’t just lay around until I feel better. We’re already so close. If I get back to camp, then everything will be okay.”

Felix flicked his ear. He looked at her--then, to her surprise, looked away. He sat down, drawing his tail across his paws. ”Have you ever... seen symptoms like this before?”

What was he getting at? Her temper had been far shorter recently, likely due to everything compounding with her sickness. But she held her breath and humored him. ”I’m a leader, not a medicine cat. I don’t know anything specific that these symptoms point to. I’m just sick. It could be from the rats, or from the water, or simply from the fact I’ve been away so long. Only the stars know at this point.” Irritation was making her paws itch, but she kept her voice level. ”Can we just keep going, please?”

”Just listen to me for a moment,” he insisted. ”Hunger, vomiting, gaining weight, exhaustion. I’ve seen it before, and I’m sure that you have as well.”

”Felix, I’m not in the mood for this,” she finally snapped. ”Either tell me what you want to say or let me keep going. Stop dancing around everything.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. While Felix was infuriating in every possible way, he had also been of monumental help to her... and had even been kind. She shouldn’t be treating him this way, even if she was upset.

He seemed stricken for a moment, but then shook his head. ”Perch, I--I think that you may be pregnant.”

All other thoughts left her mind. That word had not been something she’d thought about in a while--and certainly not with regards to herself. Her immediate response was to reject the theory and try to play it off as a joke in bad taste. However, she found her brain going blank at even the faintest possibility of what he said being true. ”...What?”

”I didn’t want to consider it either,” he sighed. Finally he met her gaze again, and she caught a hint of uncertainty in his normally lighthearted golden eyes. ”I don’t believe this is what either of us intended. However, I have seen my fair share of mothers in my roaming days. I recognize what it looks like. And... and you cannot deny that there is a time that could have caused your... condition.”

The night. With the storm.

They’d woken up and continued as if nothing had happened, walking no nearer to each other and speaking no more often than they had been before the one night of deep honesty and conversation and closeness. But something had happened. And now, apparently, if he was to be believed, she was reaping the consequences of her own actions.

The inescapable truth began to sink in.

She was pregnant. With kits. With his kits. The kits of a loner from the middle of Twolegplace.

Perchstar sat down heavily, blinking hard as she tried to wrestle with the concept. Her? Pregnant? That had never been something she wanted for herself. She’d never even thought about it. But no matter how she looked at it, no matter how desperately she tried to find an alternative explanation, he was right. This was exactly what happened to queens. She’d seen it before as well, though she hadn’t made the connection until now. And they had been together that night. The one time she let her guard down... the one time she dared to think that she deserved such a thing... and now the stars had struck her from the sky for her hubris.

How was she supposed to respond to this? There were no proper words for this situation. Felix was silent as well, eyes darting between her and the floor below.

Eventually, as it so often did in times of complete crisis, her leaderly subroutine took hold. If there was no way to deal with the emotions, then she would push them into the back of her mind and deal with them later.

Perchstar forced herself to her feet, not quite able to look at him. ”I can still walk. Let’s go.”

From her peripheral vision, she saw him blink at her in vague astonishment. But he shook his head. ”All right. But we’ll go slowly.”

With that, they continued their travel in silence.

--

As they walked, the sharp scent of Twolegplace that Perchstar had become so accustomed to began to fade. It was replaced with heartbreakingly familiar smells wafting inward on the newleaf breeze, just enough for her to recognize them before they were gone. Leaves. Undergrowth. River silt. She was so close.

It took the better part of the day. They would have been far faster if she hadn’t been... indisposed. But eventually, as the light of the sun began to darken, they found themselves in a place that Perchstar recognized. The very outskirts of Twolegplace. Directly ahead was SkyClan territory--and not much further in, she knew, would be RiverClan land.

Home...

It seemed unreal. Just a few steps more and she would be back in the forest. Exhausted by her long travels, her condition, and the reality right in front of her, Perchstar sank into a sitting position.

Some few steps behind her, she heard Felix’s voice. ”Well, here you are, wild cat. One forest--as promised.”

Hazily she remembered when they had met. The deal had been so long ago... a moon? Was it truly a full moon that she had been lost in Twolegplace? It felt like much longer, and much shorter than that. She shook her head. ”Right. My end of the bargain. I...” she stopped. How was she supposed to spar with him in this state?

He must have been thinking the same thing, because he smiled wryly and shook his head. ”I guess that I’ll have to cash in that favor later, huh? I’ve done many things in my time, but I’ll draw the line at fighting a pregnant cat.”

Pregnant. Right. That word still felt like a stunning blow to the head. She had no clue what to do with it.

”I... suppose so,” she acquiesced, though the words were numb leaving her mouth. Her eyes were drawn again towards the forest. It was right there. Why wasn’t she running to it? Why wasn’t she leaving this tom and everything he represented behind?

Slowly, almost hesitantly, she took a few more pawsteps forward. One foot landed on soft grass. She shuddered. How long had it been since she felt grass beneath her paws? Too long... it felt right. Yet, somehow, it felt wrong.

”Just a moment.”

Perchstar turned around. Felix stood just a short length away from her, planted firmly on the pavement of Twolegplace. However, there was something hesitant about the way he was shifting his weight. He’d been acting strange since they’d realized her... condition.

”...Yes?” She shouldn’t be speaking with him. She should be leaving, running as fast as her sick self could go back to RiverClan camp. But for some reason, she lingered. What did he have to say?

He took a deep breath. ”Stay with me.”

”What?” Those words hadn’t been what she was expecting.

”Stay with me, Perch,” he repeated. ”Your position, being leader--it stresses you out. I can tell. Any time you think about returning, there’s a tension in your shoulders. I know you don’t like Twolegs and Thunderpaths, but... there are other places in the world. There are other forests, other fields, other rivers. There are more skies full of lights. You could teach me to swim and fish. I could take you places you’ve never seen before, where we would never be bothered. We could travel the world together.” His breath hitched in his throat for a moment. ”And there’s... the kits. For them, if nothing else. Please.”

She should have rejected the offer immediately. But for some reason, Perchstar stood indecisive for a moment, wavering in the face of his plea.

Being leader was difficult. It was a hard and thankless job that had been slowly taking all her life and energy ever since she was appointed to the position of deputy. Sometimes, she wished that the responsibility wasn’t hers. Poppyshine was more than capable of leading the Clan--and perhaps she was already doing so, better than Perchstar ever could. The faces of all the cats whose deaths she could have prevented swam in front of her vision again. Hollyleaf. Mapleleaf. Cloverheart. Beetlepaw. Dovesight. Wouldn’t it... be better for the Clan? Wouldn’t they be better off without her?

“It’s a miracle you ever even became a warrior, and you expect anyone to take you seriously as a leader?”

She hated Twolegplace. She hated the harsh scents and rumbling monsters and roving bands of bloodthirsty rogues. But she had to admit that Felix’s words were far more tempting than she could ever have considered. New lands, free of the weight that constantly anchored her down. More rivers to be fished, more places to explore.

And the kits. She was pregnant. Was she really going to take them back to RiverClan? Where they would grow up as warriors, just as susceptible to drowning or border attacks or disasters? Where they wouldn’t have a father?

It was impossible to say why the argument even came close to swaying her. But for a moment, Perchstar almost took that irreversible step forward.

Quiet voices whispered to her.

”I'm grateful that for most of my life, I've been able to see RiverClan under your guidance."

“RiverClan likes you. You saw the way cats stood to jump to your side when you spoke about becoming leader. You're a smart, capable cat.”

“I’m happy to have you, always, Perchfall. Don’t ever forget that.”

“You are enough. There is no need for you to be more than you are, Perchfall. And there is no need for you to bear everything alone.”

“I could not ask for a better leader. Nor could I be prouder to be your deputy. You are doing all you can as you are right now, and I think the Perchstar before me is more than enough as she is.”

“Every step of the way, you have done everything you can for the safety and happiness of our Clan. And I can promise you that I am not overexaggerating when I say that RiverClan loves you. They are happy with you as leader.”

“I don’t care how many times I need to say it, from now until the end of time: you are a good leader, and we love you, and I love you, and I am so, so happy to have had you as my mentor, my deputy, and now my leader.”

Cloverheart had put so much faith in her. Stormdance believed in her. So did all her Clanmates.

...and Poppyshine.

Sweet stars, Poppyshine. She missed her dear friend so, so much.

What was she doing?

How could she even think about willingly leaving RiverClan?

Perchstar blinked, hard. Felix was still looking at her, waiting for an answer.

She should have rejected the offer immediately. Instead, a few soft words left her mouth--hardly more than a whisper. ”Do you love me?”

His expectant expression changed to one of shock--then, one of consideration. Then he spoke. “Not yet.” There was an intensity in his gaze, glittering as golden and warm as the sunset behind him. ”But... I could. I could, Perch.”

Her breath was shaky as she inhaled. Those words should not have been as close to convincing her as they were. But eventually, agonizingly, she shook her head. And the decision was made.

”...No. No, I can’t.” The words were simple, but she felt their overwhelming truth as she spoke them. The Dark Forest would ice over before she abandoned those who needed her. She was a RiverClan cat, through and through, and as tempting as it was to leave all of her responsibilities behind, nothing could keep her from doing her duty. Nothing could keep her from returning to her friends. Not even the fear that they would no longer accept her. ”I’m a RiverClan cat.”

Felix sighed, but nodded, as if he’d been expecting that answer. ”Right. I get it. Still want a companion at your back, huh?” A smile returned to his face, but it lacked his usual confidence. ”Well, if you ever change your mind... I’ll be around here somewhere.”

Though she nodded in return, Perchstar knew that she would never seek him out. The moment she’d said the words, she had lost the desire to do so. She would never look for him. She would probably never see him again. Her loyalty was no longer shakable.

”Just one request. Keep our kits safe, will you?” Though his tone had returned to its regular light-heartedness, she caught the seriousness in his gaze.

”With my life,” she promised. As unfit as she was to be a mother of any kind, especially a single mother, she knew that with all the fierceness with which she protected her Clan, she would protect her kits. ”I swear it.”

The smile seemed more real now. ”All right. I believe it. Wild cats are good at protecting their own.”

It seemed that there was nothing more to say. There was no more entreaty to be made; no point in further conversation. Perchstar was sick of the stone and the rooftops. Behind her, she heard the faraway song of birds returning from their leaf-bare journeys. She thought she heard the faint trickle of the river that marked her border. She wanted nothing more than to go. After one more inclination of her head--the same gesture of respect she gave to Mottlestar and Birdstar on the Great Rock--she turned around to face her home.

Felix’s voice sounded distant. ”Best of luck with everything, Perch.”

Perchstar did not turn around. ”Goodbye.”

One step forward onto the soft forest floor, and a shiver ran up her spine. Home. Forest. Home. One more step, and another, and another. All four paws rested on the soil. She was walking--then soon enough, she was running. Her gait was uneven, loping, lopsided and struggling to move as quick as she would have liked. But she was going. She was going home.

Felix watched her until the very tip of her tail disappeared into the bushes.