Glad we had this talk [C]

Darkspirit was normally in at least neutral spirits, but today was one of his more broody days. He blamed it on the weather. The sky was overcast and the scent of wet earth was on the wind. It would be raining soon enough, but he was still determined to finish his patrol with Nightdancer. There were a few trees beginning to have blooming buds on them, a sure sign that newleaf was here, but even the white and pink blossoms did little to bring him out of his sour mood. He handled it well at the time, but the more he thought about it and the more time that passed, his conversation with Firefly was really starting to bother him.

"Does it matter to you where someone's family comes from?" He asked her suddenly, after a good portion of the patrol was in relative silence. He didn't exactly hide his bitterness, but he hadn't spoken about the reason until now. At the very least, he supposed he should make sure he wasn't bitter towards her. He wasn't going to use Firefly's name, but he didn't have to keep this all bottled up forever. Normally he'd go to Comfreyheart, but even he had to wonder if she got tired of hearing him whine all of the time.

He was deputy now, he shouldn't be doing this at all, but he couldn't help it. If Nightdancer told him to tom up, then he would shut his mouth and endure it all in silence, but if she'd listen, he had a lot to say. "I've even had apprentices glare at me from afar, and maybe it's because they see it as I took Thistlemask's job, but now I can't help but wonder if no one is happy with me because I'm more Skyclan and rogue than I am Thunderclan. What irritates me the most is that it even bothers me at all. It shouldn't! Right?" He didn't even know Nightdancer as well as he would have liked. He didn't know anyone that well in his clan besides Comfreyheart. Why was he even deputy again?

He and Mottelstar had already talked about why... but seriously why?

Nightdancer had felt more and more alive with the longer days and brighter sunlight, but she was still quiet and kept mostly to herself. She hadn't expected ThunderClan's new deputy to start talking, nor had she expected the barrage of words that followed the initial question; and she considered it. Did she care that much where some cat was from? Well, yes was the answer on the tip of her tongue, but- was it true?

"No," she said simply. "I suppose that I used to, but... I haven't cared much at all since ShadowClan took shelter with us. They weren't all that different, really."

The rest of his words... Those were harder to respond to. Less simple questions.

"It's not like you couldn't tell them off, you know. Clanmates are Clanmates, they should understand that much." SkyClan blood, rogue blood, ShadowClan blood, what did it matter? They were all cats, at the end of the day; the divide seemed so much smaller than it had when she was a kit, so much easier to cross. "If you're bothered by it, then you're bothered by it. You can't just stop feeling something just because you think it shouldn't be important- or at least, if you can, I haven't figured out how."

She sighed.

"Some cats might think that your blood matters more than anything else. But every one of my siblings was just as pure-blooded as I am, and I'm the only one who lived this long; only two of us ever even earned our full names- what does that say, then? I don't think it matters at all."

The conviction in her voice surprised her.

Darkspirit was more relieved that she took it well than he thought he would have been. Her advice was sound, he thought, but not practical for one of his position. "Should a deputy tell off another clanmate?" He questioned. If he was just another warrior in a crowd of warriors like he was used to, he'd have no problem telling them where they could cram their opinions. Alas, being a deputy made everything more... complicated. He felt like he had to be so careful, so calculating, so... flawless. He knew that it was ridiculous, but he felt like if he didn't shoot for the stars, he'd never stand a chance of doing a good job.

"Blood doesn't matter to me, though I'd have no grounds to stake my claim in anyway if it did. I might as well try and go be a Skyclan cat if it mattered to me at all." Though the idea made him bristle slightly. It was nothing against Skyclan really, but he felt like his loyalty might be called into question if he showed too much interest. He'd rather let everyone think he blamed Skyclan for his problems than assume he'd abandon his clan like his father had.

"I don't mean to pour all of this out on you. I'm not normally so insecure, but this deputy thing... it's like carrying boulders. I don't regret it or anything but I want to do a good job and I don't know how to. It's not like anyone showed me." His mind flashed back to Mottlestar's words about how he came from a line of leaders. Bloodstrike admitted to wanting to murder his own grandfather... and Dawnhawk... well who didn't know about him? Darkspirit knew nothing about Bloodstrike's father, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

A long line of leaders... but blood-thirsty war-mongers as well. Oh Mottlestar what were you thinking? The uncertainty was etched on his face. A mouse zipped by his paws and he didn't even so much as blink at it. He reasoned it was scrawny looking anyway and he'd rather put efforts towards better prey.

"I don't see why you shouldn't, if they're acting that way. But if you think it'd be an abuse of authority, I'll tell them off for you," Nightdancer said plainly. "After all, I have none. I can't imagine carrying that sort of expectation on my shoulders."

She laughed at his comment, brushing it off easily. She wouldn't expect any ThunderClan cat to seriously entertain leaving. "What does SkyClan have that we don't, anyhow? Twolegplace?"

The warrior shrugged. "You know, I don't remember the last time I talked this much. But I don't mind it- and I certainly don't mind listening. It's quite a bit of pressure, isn't it? A heavy burden for any cat to carry, especially if they have others already." A soft hmm of consideration followed. "I suppose every deputy has learned as they went, unless there's some secret lost to time. So at least you could say you're starting from the same place as anyone."

A softer sigh.

"I think having someone to speak with is always good. I've kept to myself for too long."

Her offer to tell off another cat for him was nice, tempting even, but he thought better of it and shook his head. "No, this is something I should do myself. I think it would look bad to always have someone else interact with the clan for me whenever its a negative interaction." Not to mention if he was training to be a leader someday, he would need to handle this appropriately. The only way to be better at it was through experience.

He did chuckle at her mention of Skyclan not having anything more than Thunderclan did. She wasn't wrong. Besides, Thunderclan had his family, and his family was more important to him than the other clans or anything they may offer. Nightdancer then conveyed to him that she needed someone to talk to once in awhile too. It made him feel a lot less guilty about pouring emotions out all over her like food can bad.

"I know I haven't always been the most approachable cat, but I'm here now. I'm here for everyone. I may not always have the best advice or any advice at all, but I can certainly listen and I always will. I am sorry for hiding away from everyone so much. It's been nice getting to know my clan. I assumed... I assumed I just wasn't well-liked and its been refreshing to see that I was wrong."

It had been good for him. He was still broody, but he had noticed that his mood had gotten better overall. A quail ran out from a bush and he leaped on it, caught it with ease, and dispatched it as it flapped its wings frantically.

"That's a good way of looking at it. The important thing is just that you don't let everything slide, I suppose," she mused, considering back on Sunstrike- her first apprentice. She had been so lenient with him, and yet... It hadn't quite worked out in the way she'd hoped, as he had abandoned his own apprentice. She had managed alright, in the end, and was a warrior now despite her mentor's failings; but she still felt the slightest bit responsible for them.

As Darkspirit conveyed that he was there for his Clanmates, she hummed in acknowledgement. "I'll... Try to remember that." And, as he mentioned assuming that he wasn't all that well-liked and had decided to hide himself away for sometime, she bit back a bitter laugh. "Trust me when I say I understand the feeling. There was a time, not all that long ago, where it felt like I had forgotten how to speak altogether. I was a stranger to myself, let alone anyone else. If you insist on apologies, save them for those who deserve it."

Nightdancer dashed off to chase a squirrel before returning with her catch, feeling a distinct sense of satisfaction.

"I've never actually said it out loud before, but I always sort of thought," she said before she could second-guess her words, "that everyone else wished my sisters were the ones still here, instead of me. Milkpaw had potential, Eggdrop was a medicine cat- and not just them. Shadepaw, Whitepaw, Hornetpaw... They all could have been great warriors, and I was just the one who was left when they were gone. Even now, I still sort of feel like that... They died, or vanished, or were otherwise lost to us. I'm only the last one standing, and what do I have to show for it? The flowers on their graves."

And she had opened her heart to Roseburn, allowed herself to feel something for someone so much like her, and she had lost that before she ever even had it.

"I should be the one to apologize," she sighed, voice heavy. "I think- I may have forgotten my social graces somewhere along the way. Stars, I used to know what I was doing."