Falconpaw's Moonstone Journey

Falconpaw's eyes moved rapidly behind his eyelids and his feet kicked wildly. The other apprentices had learned to keep their distance from him while he slept, so no one was being woken up at the time.

Falconpaw was talking to a silver she-cat, another apprentice judging by her age. Her fur was long... and she looked familiar somehow. The words were still muffled and sounded like they were underwater, but the body language of the other cat was increasingly hostile. Suddenly he attacked her, kicking off of a tree first. They fought, quipping as apprentices do during fights. The fight didn't take long at all to cease, both of them seeming to call a truce after they were worn out. Just as suddenly as they fought, they were working together to conceal the evidence of their battle. The two of them buried blood and scraps of fur, even urinated on the spot where it was buried to hide the scent. Once it was finished, they traveled together, though in a grudging silence.

A nudge woke Falconpaw that morning. He lifted his head and it was on the tip of his tongue to apologize, since he usually woke others up with his dreaming. No.... it was Birdstar! He blinked away his sleepiness faster and got t his paws, wondering why she was here. He looked down, stared at the herbs for a moment... and then her words finally registered. Highstones...

He was going to meet Starclan!

Falconpaw picked up the herbs in his mouth... and nearly wretched. He gagged at first, shocked by the bitter taste, but then took a deep breath to strengthen his resolve. He swallowed them quickly and shuddered as they made their way down to his stomach.

"Okay, I am ready to go." He hoped so anyway. Maybe he could finally ask them about these dreams and what the heck they meant.

"Good morning," He answered simply, stifling a yawn despite his excitement. He padded after Birdstar, his tail high and practically bouncing on his toes. The warmth of the day would grow eventually, but for now he didn't mind the little bit of chill in the air that was left. He didn't have mountains of fur like some of his siblings, but he had enough that he had what some cats have referred to as "fox tails". As if a fox had a tail as lovely as his! Ha!

The journey nearer to the moonstone was fairly quiet until Birdstar spoke up. The apprentice's ears pricked forward in full attention to what Birdstar was asking him. Looking forward to seeing Starclan? Falconpaw thought about that for a moment. How should he answer? In fear of seeming too uneager or... whatever... he just answered how he thought Birdstar wanted him to.

"Yes, absolutely!" Which wasn't a total lie. How could he tell Birdstar about his dreams? At least, he didn't think she would care per se, but that was the problem. So he had a weird dream about walking with Shrikestar on the moor before he ever laid eyes on the tom. Or maybe he was misremembering? After all, he had plenty of dreams... plenty of frightening ones at that, and those hadn't happened. While he was curious about his dreams now, he wasn't sure exactly how to go about telling anyone of any real authority about them.

Maybe it was just a really weird coincidence? He'd run it by Starclan, just to be safe. If they told him it was nothing to worry about then he would believe them.

"I guess I'm a little worried that they may not like me? I don't have a real reason why, but what if they don't?" What if they were just mean? Bloodstrike certainly seemed to have nasty grudge against them for reasons Falconpaw didn't know, nor cared to ask since Bloodstrike's only two moods were grumpy and extremely angry.

"What was your interaction with Starclan like your first time Birdstar?" Jeeze, why hadn't he asked that to begin with?

Of all the stories he expected Birdstar to tell him, that was not one of them. She was going to fight Starclan? The thought made him chuckle, much even to his surprise. Maybe she was right. Maybe there was nothing to worry about. His eyes brightened and his expression now wore a smile on it. His shoulders visibly relaxed and his tail trailed out casually behind him.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I've never thought about trying to fight one. I don't think I'd want to." The effects of the little bit of reassurance that Birdstar gave him was only temporary, however. The closer they got to Highstones, the more his doubts returned. Once it became visible in the distance, he couldn't help but notice his heart rate increase a bit. His nervousness was still manageable for now though, and he took a deep breath to calm himself down. He was staring ahead, some tension in his shoulders back again and an uncertain look on his face was back.

He didn't exactly have a logical explanation for his feelings, but they were there regardless. Maybe he was afraid they'd laugh at his concern over his dreams. Maybe he deserved to be laughed at. After a third or fourth time trying to quiet the racing of his heart, he turned his attention back to Birdstar. He wanted to be distracted.

"How is your relationship with Shrikestar? Is he... a cool guy?" Falconpaw wasn't sure why he asked, or how to really get the information that he wanted. ... Or even what information he wanted exactly. He didn't know. All he knew was that he needed answers and nothing more. Apparently that was too much to ask.

"I'd like to maybe talk to him one of these days. A gathering isn't exactly appropriate, I don't think. I mean... it's nothing urgent or anything. Would he even want to talk to some other clan's apprentice, just for a little bit? Or should I wait until I have my warrior name?" He hated how stressed his voice increasingly became as he spoke. He'd wished the moonstone journey herbs came with something for nervousness, because he was quickly realizing that he didn't want to do this at all.

I don't even know why I'm so freaked out... so what if they laugh? It's not like they'll tell anyone... they're foxing dead! At least, that's what he wanted to make himself believe for now. He tried to mentally push his anxiety away. It was stupid. He shouldn't feel like this. What if Sunpaw knew? Would he make fun of him?

Falconpaw stayed focused for their travel to Highstones on Birdstar. He tensed a tiny bit at her obvious bafflement as to why he asked about Shrikestar. She answered him at least, and for that he was grateful. She confirmed what he was suspicious about, that Shrikestar wouldn't want to talk to an apprentice. It made sense, so he wasn't hurt over it.

"I'm not... exactly sure what I'd say to Shrikestar..." Well now he looked suspicious didn't he? "Maybe in a few gatherings... not this next one though." He needed to know more first. All he'd say to him now is that he dreamed of his existence before knowing about it, and how noteworthy was that really?

Birdstar needed to stop, and that was okay with him. At least, until he looked at how close Highstones suddenly was. Falconpaw's heart raced. He was more nervous than he expected to be. He took a deep breath to calm himself down, unsure of why he wasn't looking forward to meeting Starclan. Being nervous was one thing but... this was almost like the beginning of dread.

His claws kneaded the ground and his tail twitched, but he didn't say anything to Birdstar. He was fine. He'd handle this by himself.

"You know I met a Thrushpaw too. Mottlestar's kit. I thought it was funny that we all had bird names. We want to meet at the next gathering too and look for more bird named cats for fun." He smirked at Birdstar for a moment and chuckled briefly.

"I guess your name counts. Would you want to be in an apprentice's "Birdclan"? We're really coooooolll." Try as he might to hold back a laugh... he couldn't. Of course Birdstar wanted nothing to do with him and his dorky friends. Who would?

Falconpaw found himself laughing with Birdstar over the apprentice Birdclan. This was a warm moment between the two, a happy memory. He knew he'd be remembering it for a long time, so he locked it away like a treasure in the corners of his mind. He leaped up the rocks after his leader and... swallowed hard at the sight of the Mothermouth. His fur stood on end. Forcing his paws to move was like trying to pick up large stones.

He did his best to stay close to Birdstar's tail... but the instant the darkness engulfed him his heart was like thunder in his ears. Somewhere along the way... Falconpaw's paws stopped moving. His legs felt like jelly. His tail was fluffed out to it's maximum size and his breathing became labored. He felt like he was going to puke, his stomach twisting and turning in sickening ways.

I can't do this... I can't do this... Birdstar stop. I want to stop. I can't do this. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. Even one more stressor could have caused him to lose his bowels and bladder. His mouth had gone utterly dry and a ringing rose in his ears so loudly that if Birdstar yelled for him, he may have missed it, even in echo-y places like this.

Falconpaw realized that he was panicking... but he didn't know why. He had to focus to get his breathing under control, had to focus to help his brain find the pathways to his paws to get them to move again. It was agonizingly slow, it felt like...

But once he reached the moonstone itself and saw Birdstar... no it was only because Birdstar was there that he could even continue once his eyes were on the moonstone. He gave her a fearful, sheepish smile as he stepped carefully forward, like the ground was going to prick his paws and make them bleed, and settled himself down by the rock.

"Sorry... I guess I'm claustrophobic..." He couldn't find any other explanation. He swallowed hard again, a futile attempt to wet his throat because he had absolutely no saliva left in his mouth. It had completely dried up from his panic earlier. A panic that hadn't completely died down.

Stop being a coward and get this over with. You want to know about these dreams don't you? Ask them what they want! It was the only thing that made him barely brave enough to close his eyes and press his nose to the stone.

His heartrate only accelerated when the world around him was gone and there were only a field of stars to replace it. Falconpaw's legs felt like jelly and his eyes were wide. I shouldn't be here... It was his only thought as he waited for a Starclan cat to approach him.

And he would be perfectly happy if no one showed up at all.

Flowerthorn wasn't expecting this day to come, or expecting to be the one to talk to this particular cat, but she was going to do what she needed to. The pale she-cat pushed forward coming to make her appearance in front of Falconpaw. "Greetings young Falconpaw." She said, though she was roughly about the same size as he was.

Blue eyes took in his appearance.. He was the same.. but different. If anyone only glanced at him once they would assume he was the same, but he certainly wasn't. One of the major facts of him being different was the fact that he was here. There was a chance to make it better, to do it right. If only she knew exactly what she was going to tell him.

Falconpaw took in the appearance of the Starclan cat that approached him. Her voice was gentle enough... but she looked like she was searching for something in him just as much as he was her. After a few moments, Falconpaw slowly stood up to his full height. He'd been on his belly before, as his legs didn't want to hold him up until now. He was surprised that he was actually starting to calm down. Not a lot, but enough.

"H-hello..." He began nervously. He took a breath, holding it for four seconds, then blowing out slowly for another four. He just needed to calm down. She wasn't going to do anything to him. This was just a conversation with another cat and nothing more.

"I uh... I have a question... I don't know what to call you but um... I have had... I've been having..." He shook his head really fast, as if he could shake off his nervousness. He took a breath again and forced himself to focus.

"I think I have been receiving messages from you guys and I wanted to ask about it. My dreams... I keep having dreams. One time I dreamed of Shrikestar... and we were in the moor I think because there was no trees." A thought just occurred to him too... why hadn't he noticed this before???

"There was no snow... it was warm. Isn't that what new-leaf is like? And what about my dreams fighting in Shadowclan territory? What are you trying to tell me? And why me? We have a medicine cat!" Now that he was finally able to blurt it out, he couldn't seem to stop. A weight had been on the young tom's shoulders for moons, and to finally get it out...

It was like a breath of fresh air.

"The river too! I had a dream a tortie attacked me, then a gray she-cat threw me in the river. WHAT IS HAPPENING??? Is Skyclan going to war with the whole forest?" He didn't know what he was feeling. He was breathing hard like he was afraid, but he felt frustrated... so much so that tears suddenly flooded down his cheeks. His claws unsheathed. He was... angry. This was unfair to put on an apprentice's shoulders! Especially one that wasn't a medicine cat at all! Why would Starclan do this to him?

"Why?" His breathing was hard and his eyes were like diamonds, but there was pain shining in them too. He'd been isolated from the other apprentices because he always woke them up. They didn't like him. He'd had to get his entire patrol changed so they could sleep, and his sleep hadn't improved at all.

"Even Bloodstrike doesn't like me and he's new." Finally Falconpaw's eyes dropped to his paws. He hoped against hope that he would get answers. Today. Right now.

This is what she was afraid of. It seemed he was reliving a lot of major moments, but not enough to piece anything together. At least not yet. The small she-cat heaved out a sigh. "Those dreams are not ours. We are not sending them to you." She explained. "You seem to be having these dreams all on your own." The pale warrior sat down, curling her fluffy tail around her paws. "I wish there was more I could tell you, but I don't have the exact answer you seek as to why these dreams are occurring."

She could feel some guilt weighing heavy in her chest. She knew that Starclan would never let her give a straight answer, but she could guide him certainly? If he knew, then certainly that would give him the desire to be different? "You might find some answers back at home, and even more if you find a rogue with a familiar face. If they ask, just tell them Flowerthorn sent you. The ones that have your answers are the one who know that name." She didn't know how much more she could give him, or how much she could say without others knowing of what she had said to this apprentice. "Also, watch out for the path the hawk takes in the morning. It's laced with dangers I'm sure you don't want to face."

Time was almost up, she didn't have much longer. "Just remember Falconpaw, we are on your side. I'm on your side, even if we may not see each other again anytime soon." And with that the pale she-cat was gone.

Falconpaw listened carefully and drank in every word that... Flowerthorn... said. He needed to remember her name. He stared long after she was gone, trying desperately to engrave her instructions into his brain. If they weren't sending him the memories... then...

Starclan upheld the code... but the ones who broke it were the Dark Forest cats... Was it them? Were his nightmares and dreams coming from the other side of Death? Before he could inquire further, Flowerthorn had vanished...

And Falconpaw was back in Highstones with Birdstar. The apprentice leaped to his feet, his fur standing on end and his eyes wide. He was staring at the moonstone for several heartbeats... before...

"WHAT?!?!" He yowled in a higher pitch than his normal voice, suddenly angry again. "WHAT KIND OF ANSWERS WERE THOSE! I WASN'T DONE TALKING TO YOU! FLOWERTHORN! FLOWERTHORN YOU COME BACK!" Falconpaw pressed his nose to the stone... and did it again and again and again.

They weren't accepting him back.

"I don't understand! I..." He looked over at Birdstar and the tears flowed again. He was breathing hard and his claws gouged the earth beneath his paws. He opened his mouth to say something to Birdstar, but then thought better of it and closed it again. He abruptly spun away and began to move back through the tunnel.

He bumped into several of the twists and turns that he couldn't see, but he was furious enough that he just kept walking. By the time he got outside the Mothermouth...

Falconpaw flopped down on the ground and covered his face with his paws. He gasped sharply as he sobbed in anger and frustration. He had really hoped that it had gone differently, that he would finally have answers... but no. Now he had even more questions than before, and he doubted his sleep would be improving at all.