I'll be fine tomorrow [c]

Honeylight has been in a daze. He does as he’s told, he hunts, he does what he can to care for his clanmates, but when he’s on his own, he sinks into his swirling thoughts. Despite his normally clingy and affectionate nature, he’s been spending an unusual amount of time by himself. Which is what leads him to being where he is now, sitting in an out of the way corner of fourtrees, staring up at the sky as he had been so often recently.

Part of the reason (beyond the general intense anxiety and dread he was experiencing) that Honeylight was having trouble spending time with his clanmates is that he could not stop thinking about Starclan, and his bitterness and anger towards them. He didn’t even know if it was reasonable anymore, didn’t even know if he was justified. He had always felt a level of complex feelings and anger towards them, often discussing such things with Leopardsun, who was the only cat who knew of his feelings on the matter of their ancestors and understood them in kind, but it was always something he could talk out and put down.

Now it won’t leave him alone. He’d never felt so irritable before. He was trying not to be, really he was, he hated being anything other than his normal cheerful self to his clanmates and the other cats sheltering in fourtrees, but… He just got home. They just got to go home. They were finally okay, things were finally looking up. Why is it every single time Shadowclan found any semblance of peace, it was ripped away from them? Scratch that, not just Shadowclan, but seemingly the entire forest faced the same problems.

Is this all life would be? Just surviving one disaster after another? He thought back to his last conversation with Leopardsun on the subject, and he dug his claws briefly into the ground with frustration. And then he untensed, and sank down.

Stars, he was just so tired.

He didn't know how to handle feeling this way. He felt like he was back stuck in the Skyclan camp. He should be able to handle this better by now. He should be able to deal with it. After all, he still had his family. The cats closest to him were still alive and well. They lived to fight another day. Honeylight should be grateful for that, grateful that he didn't have to spend moons worrying as much as he had the last time they were driven from their home. He should be doing a lot of things. He shouldn't be feeling like this. But he couldn't stop it, so he just... laid down, resting his chin on top of his paws. The thought of a nap was half-tempting, but his mind was still full of too many anxious and agitated thoughts to really consider closing his eyes. So he just watched the skyline, blinking slowly.

Honeylight blinked in surprise, turning his head towards the sound of a familiar voice and his name. He straightened up, shaking out his fur in an attempt to clear his head. “Leopardsun!” He greeted, offering a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, though his joy at seeing his friend was, as always, quite genuine.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you approach. How are you doing? Did you need me for something?” Honeylight asked, quickly giving himself a few licks to smooth down his unruly fur, in case Leopardsun was coming to collect him for patrols or hunting or anything else. Leopardsun was one of his best and closest friends, but she was also his deputy, and he didn’t want to seem like he wasn’t ready to give whatever he could to his clan.

On what was pure instinct at this point he looked his friend over, pleased to see that despite the stress that must be on her shoulders right now, she at least seemed at a glance to be well-rested and healthy. It was reassuring to see. He remembered all too well how she had driven herself to the ground in the Skyclan camp. He thought with a touch of rueful irony that it was in fact he who was struggling in the self-care department this time, as both sleeping and eating had become increasingly difficult for him.

Honeylight’s shoulders relaxed when Leopardsun confirmed there was nothing he needed to be rushing to take care of. He smiled a little and scooched over on his spot, gesturing with his tail for Leopardsun to sit beside him. Isolationist as he’d been feeling lately, he was never one to turn down company. Besides, even before the world went to chaos again, Leopardsun’s deputy duties kept her busy often, and any chance he got to just spend time with his friend was one he treasured.

“I’m alright,” Honeylight promised, and he hoped that the words sounded less shallow than they felt. “We’re safe, for the most part. That’s the important bit.” He took a deep breath, tucking his paws tighter against his chest and trying to manage one of his usual, cheerful smiles. “I’m starting to think Shadowclan’s camp is just in a bad place. I’m getting real sick of waking up to water in my nest.” The joke felt flat, and so did Honeylight’s attempt at a laugh.

Honeylight opened his mouth to agree with Leopardsun, to lament their current situation in the way that the two often vented their feelings to one another. Leopardsun’s next words caught him completely off-guard however, and he did a double take, turning his head to look at Leopardsun. When was the last time he ate..? Slept?  

This was not how their interactions usually went. Normally it was him asking Leopardsun these questions. Did he really look that bad? Oh stars, he must’ve. He almost opened his mouth again to turn the questions around, scrambling for their usual routine, only for Leopardsun to beat him to the punch.

He sputtered for a moment, blinking a couple times. He felt a spark of pride that Leopardsun had been caring for herself in the midst of all of this, unlearning the bad habits that so often drove her right into the ground, but. He hadn’t even really realized how he had begun to ignore his own advice.

“I-” He started, then let out a sigh. “I don’t know.” He finally admitted, looking down at his paws. “I don’t know what’s going on with me.” He mumbled, ears laying flat in shame. “I know that, all things considered, this is probably one of the least horrible things that have happened to our clan. I mean, we’re all together, for the most part. That didn’t happen last time. No one is attacking or harassing us, that didn’t happen with the Dark Forest. Iceheart and Forestbreeze are safe, you and Swiftheart are safe, the cats that I love the most are still okay, so why do I feel like this?”

Honeylight let out a heavy sigh and sank down to rest his chin on his paws. The words came easily enough, it was always easy to be upfront with Leopardsun. She was one of the cats he was most comfortable and open with, and, unlike with most cats, he didn’t mind when she saw him having more difficult or negative emotions.

“I’m just so tired, Leopard.” He said in a small voice. “I keep just staring up at the sky. Wondering what we did wrong for Starclan to treat us like this. To treat the whole forest like this!” He huffed. “It’s not fair. And I know that fairness has nothing to do with it but it’s not fair.”