she'll be fine on her own [C]

It was late. Pigeonpounce should have been asleep, she knew. With moonlight streaming in through the cracks in her den and weariness tugging heavily at her body, rest even sounded tempting. But, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep her eyes closed. Her thoughts tilted restlessly, in and out of too many directions to track--recounting herb stores, wondering how hard leaf-fall would be on the plants soon; wondering if she would dream of Starlingflare tonight, like she’d been waiting on tenterhooks for since her appointment to medicine cat apprentice; if Dovetail’s kits were all fine where they slept in the nursery; if anyone else in the world was awake right now; if, and this was perhaps strangest but also more usual than the rest, if Scarletflare was awake. The restlessness agitated the sensitive nerves Pigeonpounce had been developing. She turned over and over in her nest and she couldn’t keep her eyes closed. The silence, the loneliness, of her space suddenly became overwhelming. That alone nearly drove her to panic.

Eventually, when the openness of an empty den started to get to her, Pigeonpounce gave up. She sat, wearily, upright, and for several moments she lingered like that before gathering her paws fully under her. There was no thought behind the action to exit her den and tread the sand toward the warrior’s den; just instinct, a need to be close to someone. Her shoulders slumped with a sort of relief straightaway when she entered the den. Quiet breaths, snores, and the shuffle of shifting bodies hit her ears, and she looked over the huddle of her Clanmates. So she wasn’t the only living thing left in the world.

Rather than search intently for her siblings--though she did look quickly toward their nests to ensure they were there and alright--Pigeonpounce’s gaze shifted to and lay across the form of her closest friend. Scarletflare was asleep, or at least pretending to be. Pigeonpounce shifted uncertainly on her paws, stuck at the mouth of the den. Would he be mad at her for waking him at this hour? Would he entertain her at all? The remembrance of words from a recent walk made Pigeonpounce’s breath stick in her throat. It’s good to just walk like this sometimes, too. Especially with you. and I’ll keep up with you ‘til you’re sick of me, y’know. The words made her feel warm with comfort and also sick with uncertainty and grief. It was an arresting combination. Suddenly realizing the gravity of no more patrols with him, no more hunting or sparring or keeping their nests close to each other, giving him nothing to keep up with--Pigeonpounce thought her legs would buckle for a moment.

She took a deep, forced breath. ’Til you’re sick of me. Well--she wasn’t tired of him yet, and she never would be. Which meant he couldn’t be tired of her either, or decide he wanted better things than her, or anything like that. Not until she was ready.

Slowly, Pigeonpounce forced the stony weight out of her paws and made herself move forward. She crept between her Clanmates until she reached Scarletflare’s side. There, she knelt down beside him and rocked him, insistently but gently, with her shoulder. ”Hey,” she said when he started to stir. There was a warble in her mew, though she tried to talk around it. ”Wanna--” her eyes slid away, and she swallowed and shifted her weight before looking back, ”Know ‘s late… sorry. But d’y’wanna go for a walk with me?”

Pigeonpounce couldn’t help it. When Scarletflare looked up, angling his head around and barely remembering to whisper, she laughed. Not too loud; just enough to earn a sharp, bleary shush from the other side of the den, at which she quickly clamped her teeth together. Pigeonpounce wasn’t even sure where the sound came from, really; there wasn’t anything particularly funny about what he’d said, though the way he looked up at her was a little silly (and endearing). It was just an involuntary expression of the relief she felt at the simple sight of him, at his agreement. The tension leaked out of her shoulders with the wobbly smile that rose on her muzzle.

Pigeonpounce backed out of the den feeling a little more steady on her paws. She waited a beat for Scarletflare to follow her, smile widening a bit when he did. Her eyes traveled up as his did, looking toward the stars. She wondered if anyone was watching her now. Pigeonpounce’s paws began to work the sandy earth beneath them. Was it Cloverheart’s eyes on her, or her father’s? Did the former care about the rule Pigeonpounce tread dangerously close to breaking? Would she be stripped of her position if Cloverheart and the rest of the stars did care--and did she care if she was?

That worry-evaporating voice breaking the nighttime quiet stalled Pigeonpounce’s thoughts where they were. She blinked slowly, realizing her eyes had crossed somewhat while she stared up at the heavens, and tipped her head back down. The sight of Scarletflare’s gaze resting easily upon her makes Pigeonpounce’s skin warm beneath her fur, and when she actually processes what he said--stars. She’s half-surprised her pelt hasn’t been singed smoky and dark from the heat.

Tipping to the side, Pigeonpounce knocks her head against the juncture between shoulder and neck. She loses her stride, the objective of walking momentarily forgotten for the sake of just leaning against Scarletflare. She could feel his pulse thrumming against her skull, feel the way his breaths moved through him, and she just couldn’t bring herself to lean away. There were few places she’d felt as secure as she did just pressing her head against Scarletflare. Pigeonpounce couldn’t quite imagine what more would feel like, a proper embrace, but then that very thought startled her into jerking back, as if Scarletflare would somehow be able to divine the treads of her mind through their point of contact. Pigeonpounce huffed, the usual pout from her, and her eyes slid to the side as she began, reluctantly, to pad forward again.

”Y’can’t keep sayin’ things like that.” There was no note of genuine complaint to be found in her mew. Her gait turned shuffling, sheepish, as Pigeonpounce led them toward the mouth of camp. ”Makes it hard t’think, y’know?” What was she saying? Why would she say that? A laugh, clear but forced, left her in hopes of covering the words. They felt silly and a little embarrassing. When she moved forward from Scarletflare’s side this time, she was almost eager to get away, as if she could escape the admission. Even so, she immediately missed her place beside him, his beside her.

The water surrounding the island was cool from the nighttime, but not enough to make her shiver as she dipped into it. It was, at least, enough to stave some of the heat that rippled continuously under her pelt. Pigeonpounce was content just to wade in it for a moment while Scarletflare sank in beside her. She’d been trying not to look at him too much for fear of staring, but she slipped up and let her eyes drift to him now. And, just as she feared, Pigeonpounce found herself staring. But she didn’t have it in her to look away. She was too busy studying the way his multicolored fur blended together, even though she was sure she’d already memorized the pattern; tracing the scar, half-hidden by a tuft of fur left unruly from sleep. Finally, her eyes drifted to catch his, and she almost stumbled from it. She was sure Scarletflare knew how handsome he was, but did he know that she thought so, too? Stars, what would he say if he knew?

Pigeonpounce shook her head to rattle the thought away before she could accidentally speak the words aloud. She blinked to clear her vision and then tipped her head to Scarletflare again. Her mouth fell open and she was speaking before she knew it; thankfully not an expression of attraction, but as the words came out, she felt they weren’t much better. ”I dunno what I’d do without ya. ...I- I mean, y’know, I’m glad y’like hangin’ ‘round me ‘s much’s ya do. Like-” Pigeonpounce fumbled, but now that she’d started, she couldn’t bring herself to stop talking. ”I dunno. Y’could prob’ly spend yer time with anyone.” She dragged a foreleg through the water, creating lazy ripples, and looked down to watch them disperse. ”’M just… glad ‘t’s me.”

Clearing her throat, Pigeonpounce waded forward until she could crawl out on the other side of the bank. When Scarletflare joined her, she knocked her shoulder against his. ”I don’ mind when it’s you, either.”

At the sound of her name, quiet and with a hesitance rarely heard from Scarletflare, Pigeonpounce paused. She angled her head to look at him, shifting back from his shoulder with a curious blink. An apology made her ears tilt back with concern, and her head spun wondering what he had to apologize for--if he’d seen through her to her heart and come to the conclusion he needed to let her down now. While he sucked in a breath to stabilize himself, Pigeonpounce kept her air trapped firmly in her lungs. She didn’t know what would come out of her if she released it, but it would be far more than air. For once, instead of filling the air with any words she could think of, Pigeonpounce just listened. She let him gather himself and start over as he needed.

And the words that left Scarletflare… they were simple, but they stunned her. Sure, of course they’d been close for a long time--but why say so now, only in private, only under the watchful eyes of the stars? Why breathe out her name so softly like that? Pigeonpounce’s heart started to pick up speed in her chest, and her mind spun trying to beat him to the point of his words. Her mouth fell, briefly, open in protest, ready to proclaim that even if he had been (and still was) an arrogant mouse-brain, he was still her best friend. What did he think he had to apologize for? But she shut her mouth and kept the argument to herself. Scarletflare wasn’t quite done yet, and she wanted to listen. She wanted to hang on to every word he had to say, now and forever.

Then, all at once, it felt like the ground had fallen out from beneath Pigeonpounce’s paws. Her fur warmed to a boil, and ever-round eyes grew wider until blue disks resembled the moon itself. He thought?--no, that couldn’t be right. She must have misheard. Surely all her time spent dreaming, the last few minutes of teetering over something new, hadn’t manifested the closest thing to a confession she thought Scarletflare could perform. The words turned over and over in her head, the best sound in the world echoing on maddening repeat even as Scarletflare went on. Every word from him just made her legs feel that much weaker until Pigeonpounce was positive she was going to buckle to the ground, or collapse into him, or maybe she would just float away like a leaf on the wind.

Maybe she should have known. If she were a smarter cat, she could have seen this admission coming from tree-lengths away. Really, the words were echoes of sentiments Scarletflare had shared before, though those moments had only exposed slivers of his devotion to her. This was different. So, so much different. This full expression was--it was almost too much for her. Pigeonpounce had to blink several times fast to keep her eyes from misting, though the effort was in vain. Her vision was quick to grow swimmy as her eyes continued to wet.

How long was it now that she’d been dreaming of this? And why, in all her fantasies, had she never imagined what she would say if--or when--the moment came?

Well. She was good at talking without thinking, at least, and her lungs were starting to ache from holding her breath.

”I don’t wanna forget!” She blurted out in a rush of expelled air. ”Please, don’ ask me t’ f’rget. I- I-- I wanna think ‘bout this f’rever. Or, uhm, think ‘bout you f’rever, but I guess ‘ve been doin’ that anyway.” Pigeonpounce laughed sheepishly and then, not knowing what else to do, leaned forward to shove her head up under Scarletflare’s chin. She breathed in deep, relishing in the simple scent of him. Something in the back of her head--maybe Cloverheart’s voice, or just the good sense she wasn’t truly sure she possessed--told her she should step away, should honor the laws she’d sworn herself to upon becoming a medicine cat. But what did she care what StarClan thought of her? She cared about Scarletflare and what he thought of her. If the stars wanted to dispose of her… so be it. For the first time in nearly a year, Pigeonpounce felt her kithood bravery well up in her paws, born of love and simple rebellion. So, instead of shifting back, she pressed herself closer against Scarletflare’s chest.

”You-- you---you mouse-brained furball,” she laughed out, a little choked by the tears that continued to well up. At least they were both already wet, so she couldn’t feel too bad about staining his fur where her face pressed into it. ”Don’t-- don’t ’pologize to me. Not for somethin’ like that. I- I think y’were--are--a great friend. Even if y’used to act y’had bees in yer head. ‘Nd-- still do, a li’l bit.” Pigeonpounce laughed again. She was teasing, sure, but she meant it, too. Stars, the way Scarletflare used to frustrate her--but hadn’t that been what drew her to him in the first place? How could she ask for an apology for that, when he may not be as important a part of her life otherwise? And besides...no one else in the Clan had directly risked life and limb for her, had made sure she made it home safe. If there was nothing else to absolve him of his rougher edges, there was always that.

”I love our li’l walks too, an’-- and--’n’ yer so smart ‘n’ funny ‘n’ brave and--an’ I love yer voice ‘n’ I love--” there was a half-halt, split second hesitance, before she barreled on, ”you. And I don’t wanna be ‘nyone else’s bes’ friend. And I don’t- don’t wanna be yours, either.” Pigeonpounce swallowed, heard her own words, and quickly clarified, ”I mean, o-obv’ously I wanna be yer best friend, f’rever ‘n’ ever ‘n’ ever, I jus’--I mean… I don’t. Jus’ wanna be your friend. I want--”

Pigeonpounce stalled. She took a deep breath and screwed her eyes shut tight and pressed her head more insistently against the column of Scarletflare’s neck. ”I jus’ want you. I don’ care ‘bout the Code. Not--not when it comes t’you.” She opened her eyes and finally, finally pulled away to blink fuzzily up at Scarletflare. Her lips cocked upwards into a smile and a laugh rolled its way out of her and all she could think about, again, was best sound in the world. ”Y’know, if yer gonna apologize f’r anythin’, it oughta be for makin’ me wait so long to hear somethin’ outta you. You have any idea how long I’ve been thinkin’ about this?”

The words hung in the air, Pigeonpounce’s smile lingering with them for a few moments before her expression began to fall. Her ears drooped and she tipped her head into her shoulder, nudging away her stubborn tears before looking down at her shuffling paws. ”I...” she started, voice sober now, ”I dunno… what t’do, now. I mean… I don’ care ‘bout the rules, but stars, I don’t wanna make Poppystar mad at me.” Pigeonpounce shrugged and shoved herself forward again, head tilted lower to press against Scarletflare’s chest this time. ”I don’t wanna think ‘bout it right now. But, I mean--we gotta figure somethin’ out, right?” Laughing again, she added, ‘M not--’M not lettin’ you go anywhere now.”

Pigeonpounce’s eared angles at the statement that he was, in fact, sorry. She half-wished she hadn’t said anything about any sort of apology, because stars, she didn’t care about that right now. She didn’t even really think it was anything Scarletflare had to feel sorry for. All she cared about for the moment was the fact that he had said anything at all. At the suggestion that he wasn’t enough for her, Pigeonpounce’s expression furrowed. She felt a little bit of warmth over the assertion that she deserved the world--and more--but that didn’t stop her muzzle from crinkling. As if Scarletflare could drag her down! If anything, she was the one holding him back. He was far braver and smarter than she was, far more--everything. Stars, what did he see in her again?

Pigeonpounce rattled her head. She wasn’t going to let herself spiral about it. Not right now, at least. It was a little hard to, anyway, with Scarletflare’s insistence that she stay in his life. She could worry later; she could box him across the ears for thinking he wasn’t enough for her (again, how could he? He was everything to and for her) later. For now, to soothe both temptations, Pigeonpounce settled for just knocking her head against his chest again. The rumbly feeling of his voice moving through her made her shoulders slump, relaxed.

”Told ya,” she said with a little laugh. ”Still a bee-brain.” She pushed her head more firmly into Scarletflare. A little softer, more somber, Pigeonpounce murmured, ”Yer more than enough for me. Y-- I dunno how y’don’t see it. How great y’are.”

Pigeonpounce sighed. For several moments, she didn’t say anything regarding the subject of Poppystar. She just took her time relishing in the feeling of being able to lean into Scarletflare with her full weight, without repercussion. Eventually, though, she found it in herself to lean away again. ”Yeah… yeah,” she said with a slow nod. Was she sure about it? Stars, no. She was hardly sure about anything these days. But she was, at least, sure about Scarletflare. And for the sake of wanting him so terribly it sometimes made her paws shake, she could suffer a little uncertainty when it came to Poppystar’s judgment. ”I think- I think talkin’ t’her sounds good. I mean, I-- really, ‘M so happy jus’ t’ have you in m’life too, I c’ld be happy like this too, but I--” She was selfish, wasn’t she? Or was it greed? Pigeonpounce shook her head and, once more, found shelter in the ruffle of Scarletflare’s chest. ”But I don’t wanna hafta pretend. A- about anythin’. I don’t wanna act like this didn’ happen, y-y’know? I- I-- I dunno. I dunno how t’make it make sense. But I want you, not t’- t’hide anythin’.”