Down Home [Open Mourning topic]

Takes place directly after this topic.

For a painstaking moment, Dovesight was still. She held her breath, hoping for the impossible. Mapleleaf had gone limp beside her, and Dovesight was silently pleading with the queen to get up. Mapleleaf never did. For a moment, Dovesight didn't know what to feel. She was just numb. She knew Mapleleaf was dead, but at the same time, the undeniable truth had not yet sunk in, nor had the grief. Her mind was still trying to process her failure.

For the moment, her body worked solely on autopilot. Through blurred vision, why was her vision blurred like that?, she carried Mapleleaf into the clearing. She couldn't look at any cat. She couldn't bring herself the say anything. There was nothing that needed to be said. The sight before them told the whole story. They would know.

Dovesight's cheeks were wet for some reason. Why were her cheeks wet? She would need to dry herself off at some point.

The sight of her former mentor dragging Mapleleaf's limp, lifeless body out of the medicine den made all the breath leave her body, only managing to stand there with a slightly agape jaw. Dovesight said nothing, but the view was so pitiful and miserable, Grebepaw knew nothing could- or really, should be said yet. Mapleleaf was gone. Panicked, she looked around the camp, hoping her kits weren't present in this moment to see it. But she wasn't a complete fool, she knew they were here.

A reprieve from the heat became more apparent as the sun slowly sunk further in the sky, the irony of the timing not being lost on the molly, her heart painfully restricting at the thought. She shrugged her raccoon pelt off her shoulders and back, carrying it gingerly between her teeth, settling next to the cooling body and Dovesight, placing the pelt over her own white paws, positioning the tail of the raccoon to close the gap. Grebepaw kept her space, allowing it more for immediate family and others closer to the molly, but her chest ached.

"You did everything you could Dovesight," The softness of her words surprised even her, and she placed her tail sympathetically on the medicine cat's shoulder. She turned to Mapleleaf's body, her eyes rapidly filling with salty tears, many jokes; slightly insulting statements; it all burning on her tongue. Instead, she choked out a simple, "Rest easy Mapleleaf."

Hickorypaw had been out hunting with a couple of his clanmates on a patrol. His yellow eyes shining with pride as he carried a fish that he caught all on his own back to camp with his patrolmates. Surely Mum would eat the fish he'd caught, then she'd have all the energy to play with him! That all she needed, right? A big fresh fish in her stomach, she always did look hungry. He boasted to his patrolmates along the way that he was going to make Mum happy with the fish he'd caught.

He entered camp with a bright smile, big fish in his jaws, and spotted Mum sleeping in camp. But... Why was everyone surrounding her? Were they cuddling? He trotted over, eyes gleaming. "I caught Mum some fish!" He expected her head to lift at this... But it didn't. "Why is she still sleeping..?" He lowered his tone, approaching more slowly. He placed his paws on her back, shaking her lightly. "C'mon, ma, this'll get your energy up! We can play!" Hickorypaw stared at Hawkpaw. Why was he crying? "What's wrong? Why's everyone sad? We can play when Mum eats, Hawkpaw, it's alright!" He purred, nudging his brother softly. "Why is everyone still sad? We can wake Mum up... Come on!"

His smile faded. "Wh... What's wrong with Mum? She said she was going to get better so she could play with us!" He placed the fish at his paws, nudging Mum with his nose. "Wake up... Wake up... We can still play, you can have the fish I caught, all of it!" Why was she so... cold..? Where was the soft rise and fall on her stomach? Why did she look so limp? His eyes dulled for what could've been the first time in his life.

The thought he was trying to ignore hit him like a monster.

The tears he was trying to stop fell.

"She's n- she's not dead." He mewed slowly, sitting down and shaking his round head. "She's sl- she's sleeping."

As expected, the Clan began to gather around, grief clear in every single cat that joined them. The moments seemed to jumble up together, and Dovesight struggled to discern one reaction from the next. She didn't feel the tail that rested on her back, or hear the voice saying she did all she could. Even if she did, she would probably still find a way to argue it, anyway. If she was a better medicine cat, Mapleleaf might be alive. She might be playing with her kits, as happy and energetic as a cat like her should have been.

Her kits.

Dovesight's eyes focused on the grieving apprentices. They just lost their mother. Because she didn't save her.

Her eyes met Poppyshine's as the deputy spoke, claiming it was no one's fault. But Dovesight knew who's fault it was. It was Kitty's, for killing such a beloved character despite many protests. It was hers. She should have done more.

Choking down her sobs, Dovesight stood, turning away. She couldn't watch this any longer. She was shaking with grief, her heart shattering over a cat who, in reality, she hardly knew. But whom she loved all the same, just as the rest of RiverClan had grown to love her.

Making her way toward her den, Dovesight curled up, paws over her eyes as she had done so many times before when the real world became too much to bear.

But the pain would follow her, even into her own fantasies. Her heart sank as she realized there was no escape. Not this time.

Kitespring stepped out of the den at the commotion. Scanning the area, she wondered what was going on. Once she realized, though, her heart sank, further down than she had felt before.

Mapleleaf… She was… Kitespring knew that the former WindClan she-cat had been sick for ages, but… she was… It felt… she barely felt anything. Was that a problem? It probably was, wasn’t it? She had barely known her… but she should be sad, right? Crying, just like the other cats who cared about her? Where was the sadness? Where was the pain? Why couldn’t she feel anything?

Noticing Dovesight trot back into her den, Kitespring realized the impact that Mapleleaf’s death would have on everyone here. Not only her kits, but also Owlshriek, Poppyshine… and Dovesight. Her sister. She was probably blaming herself for Mapleleaf’s death, wasn’t she? Following the newly-appointed medicine cat into the medicine den, she curled up next to her. It was a small gesture, but she didn’t want her sister to feel alone, that even in times of hardship there were still cats who cared about her. Maybe she shouldn’t have done this. She didn’t belong here, did she?

”Hey, Dovey,” she said. ”It wasn’t your fault. A medicine cat can only do so much.” Though she didn’t know anything about medicine, she felt that what she was saying was the truth, and it was at least something that her sister needed to hear.

Harebounce had been on guard duty today, positioned just outside the camp’s entrance. Which was why she didn’t immediately notice the shows of grief behind her. She gave Hickorypaw an approving grin at his catch; Mapleleaf would surely enjoy sharing it with her children. However, her grandson’s excited mews quickly changed tone once he entered camp, paired with a terrible scream from another. Eyes wide, she whipped around and trotted into camp proper, searching for the cause of the commotion… and in between the forms of crowding cats, her eyes landed on someone on the ground. She padded slowly closer, and her heart twisted in her chest. ‘Oh, Mapleleaf…’ Her nose found itself in her pelt for a moment. Sick for so long, loved by so many, here for so little, and all too soon she lay still. Already so cold. “Rest easy, and watch over this family from StarClan.” Her whisper came almost too quiet to make the skinny she-cat’s fur twitch.

When the tortoiseshell raised her head, she saw that both Sleepypaw and Owlshriek had returned to camp, with their dawning realization painfully clear. She shifted aside as her poor granddaughter wriggled beneath Mapleleaf’s limp paws. Stars, the sight made it so she could hardly breathe. She turned her head to the sky, eyes closed for but a moment while she took a few stuttering breaths, the hood of her hare pelt slipping down her neck, its ears nearly touching her paws. The sun was warm on her face. Why did that thought hurt? Perhaps it was that Mapleleaf couldn’t feel it too, not anymore. Harebounce turned and took her pelt down off her back, placing it gently aside Grebepaw’s own. Owlshriek’s move to groom Mapleleaf one final time earned a mute nod from his mother. Her eyes laid softly on Hickorypaw, weeping and distraught, with Poppyshine doing what she could to comfort him for a moment. She laid her head on top of his, gently grooming his forehead for a while before softly looking down at him. “Perhaps you and Sootpaw could find some flowers for your mother. She would like them, I think.” She didn’t let go of him immediately, instead simply letting him weep for as long as he wanted to into her fur. Although she too was struggling to keep a brave face. Oh stars, stars, how her own throat threatened to tremble here and now.

The growing heat of greenleaf had become uncomfortable for Sootpaw. The tom had spent most of the day inside the camp, after his early Dawn patrol, wanting to stick close to his mother. He knew she was getting worse, but he wanted to believe that she would get better. Dovesight was taking care of her. So stepping out of camp for a moment for a quick swim wouldn't hurt right? He would be gone for just moment. Everything would be fine right?

....Right?

The water was a little warm but it still beat being out in direct sunlight. The apprentice had himself partially submerged cooling his black pelt, when he noticed his father and sister returning to camp. A bright grin grew on Sootpaw's face as he noticed the prey between them. A mouse dangling from his sister's maw. That must be for their mom.. At least he assumed. It must have been difficult catching it, oh he couldn't wait to see the look on Mapleleaf's face when Sleepypaw brought it to her. Quickly the tom pulled himself from the water shook out his pelt and followed after his family into the camp.

The tom stepped into camp expecting to see everyone going about their usual business, but when it wasn't the tom felt his heart sink. He saw the group of cats gathering in a particular spot. He could make out the pelts of his family among this crowd. Sootpaw cautiously stepped closer. "Hey.. what's going on? Why is everyone gathered like this?" The tom asked, already knowing the answer deep in his mind, but refusing to believe it was true.

He stepped closer and closer until he finally could make out the sickly pelt of his mother. Amber eyes glanced over to Hawkpaw.. Hickorypaw.. Sleepypaw.. Owlshriek.. All of them grief stricken.. Two of them muttering the words he didn't think he could speak.

Sootpaw shook his head.. No it wasn't true.. He was just gone for a moment. This... this wasn't real. He was just imaging this right? He would blink and he would be right back in his spot from earlier and this was all a bad dream. Yeah.. just a bad dream.

Just a bad dream.. He repeated in his head as his legs grew weak, his hind legs giving out first causing the tom to slump to the ground. Head hanging low, amber eyes dull as he focused on the spot in front of him, everything seemed to blur. His face felt wet as reality slowly started to set in the tom's mind..

"I was gone for a moment..." He stated simply, his voice broken.. "I left her for just a moment.."

Perchstar was late.

She had been taking a brief moment of respite in her den from the day's worries. Losing a life yesterday had taken a lot of the energy out of her. While the wounds that the fox opened up had closed from StarClan's blessings, they had not healed up completely, and so Poppyshine had-- of course-- insisted upon extra rest for the leader, so that she could heal up. Perchstar had protested, wanting to make sure that she was there for her friend when her inevitable kitting began. Yet eventually, exhaustion had won out, and she had taken a very short nap in her nest.

She had missed something... but it was not Poppyshine's kits.

A heartbroken wail awoke the leader. She had no time to react, nor to wonder what it was; instead, she simply dashed out of her den, ignoring her slightly mussed fur and still aching wounds. A terrible anxiety bubbled up from within her, rising in the span of just a moment. What if... what if...? Stars, stars, please, let Poppyshine be okay. A few steps forward into the camp quashed her fear. Unconscious of the shuddering breath she let out, Perchstar gazed down at the scene before her: Mapleleaf's emaciated corpse, surrounded by her grieving kits and Clanmates. For a second, she felt relieved... then immediately hated herself for it. Relief? How dare she feel relief at the death of another cat? Simply because she had not known Mapleleaf for long? It was sad. Owlshriek and the kits had lost a loved one. Poppyshine looked as sorrowful as any, with tears streaking her beautiful face for the second day in a row. Even Harebounce, Kitespring, Stormdance... the whole Clan was mourning the loss of the former WindClan she-cat. Perchstar had no right to feel that sense of relief that it had not been her deputy's kitting gone wrong.

No tears fell down her face. No sobs wracked her form. Externally, Perchstar simply lowered her head in a brief gesture of respect and well-wishing. Inwardly... she felt conflicted. She felt sick. It was as if she might throw up, from the warring emotions of loss and relief and inevitable understanding. She had known this would happen. That was why Mapleleaf had received her new name. That was partially why she had even been accepted in the first place. Somehow she felt a little responsible, for recognizing the she-cat's sickness from the start and not being able to fix it. So... what? You should have turned her away? Made a pregnant queen wander alone and die abandoned, just to keep your own Clanmates from heartbreak? There was no easy answer. If only she could act like the others-- take a moment to grieve and cry, then take support from family and friends, moving on together. Instead, Perchstar stood frozen in time, unable to move her paws an inch forward or backward. She simply stood, her eyes almost staring past the queen's dead body, face blank as she tried to keep a tight lid on the bubbling turmoil within. For the second time in as many days, she saw tears of sorrow on Poppyshine's face... and could do nothing about them.

She knew it would happen. She knew it. So why did she feel so bad?