I'm Here Alone, In A Broken Home {OPEN | RETURN TOPIC}

《ooc; continuation of this topic, as a part of featherpaw's plot》

a bit of backstory:

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Her paws desired to dance upon the riverbed, to sway upon the glistering pebbles and flourish in the presence of what has truely been, since she had been brought into life, home.
But they also wanted to shiver and flee, to scurry back to a place of seclusion, to return to the place she had called, for many moons, her home.

She was unsure whether her paws were quivering with blissful anticipation or perturbed unease. Either way, there was no halting their tentative shuffling towards an entrance that marked the boundary between safety and uncertainty. Which side indicated safety and which side indicated uncertainty was unknown to her, lost in the perpetual flurry slashing her mind.

Although she was accompanied by a patrol, Featherpaw's state of distress was stirring irrational agitation. Or, considering her current circumstances, perhaps her disquietude really wasn't irrational. As much as she attempted to conceal her trepidation from view, minor signals, such as her flattened ears, occasional barely-perceptible spasms and a constantly twitching tail could alert anybody of her true feelings. However, she still attempted to obscure her concerns and adjusted her stance to embody false security in her environment. She should feel safe... she should feel content, happy, but any signs of euphoria that had lingered before had been quenched by eerie foreboding.

When they approached the stream enclosing the camp, Featherpaw couldn't help but sense a flicker of resolved determination in her chest. Her previous show in crossing the river couldn't have convinced any of the RiverClan cats escorting her of her capabilities. She had floundered meaninglessly at first, but that was definitely out of the question when it came to proving her past allegiance to the Clan. At least, she could demonstrate she wasn't a drypaw incapable of swimming.

She waited for the patrol to allow her to cross, then slipped into the stream. This current was much less relenting in comparison to the river, so she was able to swim across with ease. When she met with the warriors and apprentice, she spun to face the entrance. Eyes dull with caution, yet still with a faint sparkle of hope, she stepped paw into camp.
She stepped paw into camp, for the first time in moons.

And never, ever before had she felt such an overwhelming whirlpool of such powerful emotions tear at her heart.

...
Home...?

Heronflight followed Mudpaw and Featherpaw back to camp, as the gray tabby was part of the patrol that accompanied them. He knew that Mudpaw had been suspicious about Featherpaw actually being a RiverClan apprentice, but the warrior tried his best to convince Mudpaw. The gray tabby swam behind the two cats, watching them bat their paws on the water rhythmically. He was paying so much attention to them that he missed a beat himself, but he quickly recovered. The gray tabby tom gazed at the RiverClan camp. For the gray tabby, it was home, and it would always be home. However, he could have made the decision to leave RiverClan entirely, when his loyalties were questioned by the late Jaystar. Imagine if I left... how different would my life be. Heronflight emerged from the water, knowing that he was where he belonged. I wonder if Featherpaw feels the same...

That morning was just like any other had been in the past few days―nothing special. Torrentstar was faced with the same issues, the same duties, the same events. The never ceasing flow of time meant that whatever one did, the days would still pass. The RiverClan leader had come to think of such a routine as dreariness. What was the point in doing what he did, when his clanmates could not appreciate his efforts? Today, again, he saw the wariness in their gazes when they met his own. Apart from the cats who were his family members, he had no true personal bonds with his clanmates, and he knew that fact. The only reason he was leader was because Jaystar had chosen him. If the leadership of the clan had been left up to a vote, it was unlikely that he would have ever been elected. Few spoke about the matter of Dacepaw's banishment in front of him, but he was not naive enough to think that it was forgotten. Sense of duty and loyalty to RiverClan bound him tightly to his role, not any sort of ambition or pride. It were those two qualities that had probably brought him this far, and they gave him the strength to go on. That strength was something he really needed now. The whole of RiverClan had probably noticed by now the rift that had grown between the leader and his adopted daughter Dappleshine. The two of them, who had once been as close as blood-related family members, were now avoiding each other. Neither made any sort of drastic decision, but there was a noticeable coolness in the way they now interacted. That morning, Torrentstar was perched in the willow tree, one branch above the one he usually stood on to give announcements. He had his head on his paws, green eyes looking off into the distance. The sporadic twitch of his feathery tail, an indicator of a potentially ill temper, would have been a tempting toy for kits to resist had he been within their range. It was clear that he was brooding about something, even if his expression currently held little emotion. The mild scent of frustration almost seemed to seep from him, tinging the breeze that swept throughout the island.

It was hard to tell exactly what kind of thoughts were tangled in Torrentstar's mind. But at last, the leader seemed to snap out of his daze. He raised his head, tufted ears twitching as if they had caught some new sound. How long had he been up in the tree? At any rate, the fact that his clanmates had not bothered to call him down meant that nothing of much importance had happened. A patrol was returning now; he could see them wading through the stream, the first cats who had already crossed shaking themselves off. Almost instantly, his sharp gaze made out the familiar gray pelt of Dappleshine. A pang stirred within him at the sight, only to be swiftly squashed. Their bond had already been broken; he had broken it himself. The other members of her patrol were Mudpaw, Heronflight, and... Who was that? His green eyes narrowed, and he pushed himself into an upright position. Had Ivybrook assigned a fourth member to the patrol? Something like that would not usually be an odd occurrence, but this cat was someone he did not recognize. It seemed RiverClan had a visitor. A shadow flitted over his face at the realization. In a series of leaps that seemed almost as smooth as the movement of flowing water, the large tabby descended from his perch to the sandy ground. Just as the first set of paws crossed into camp, the leader straightened and fixed their owner with an icy gaze.

The wide eyes that stared into Torrentstar's seemed... oddly familiar. Recognition was surprising, considering the fact that he was pretty sure he had never met this cat before. The sense of familiarity that swept over him was unsettling, so that he was silent for a moment. But then he cast a glance at his clanmates and said, "Welcome back. Your numbers seem to have increased by one more in comparison to when you left camp. Who will explain?" The low tone of his voice indicated that it was a command, not a true question.

"I will." Dappleshine's voice came, cool and clear. Stepping forward to face Torrentstar, she gazed back at him, sorrow flashing in her eyes before they returned to a neutral expression. If Torrentstar loathed her, removing her from his presence because she spoke out against him, then so be it. "This is Featherpaw. We dicovered her waiting at the border for a patrol to come across her. She claimed that she was once a RiverClan cat, and though things had taken her away from her home so many moons ago she wishes now to return. Heronflight recognized her, and her name, and verified her story." Her tail brushed in Heronflight's direction before nodding to Featherpaw. "This is Torrentstar, you probably knew him by the name of Scorchclaw."

Stepping back to allow Featherpaw to explain things to Torrentstar herself, she melted back into the crowd. The patrol and the introduction and subsequent explanation was over, so now she would simply listen.

Mudpaw had never been so aware of herself as she was on the long walk back to RiverClan’s camp. Had she been older, it might have been different; as it was, whatever Dappleshine and Heronflight said, she wasn’t about to put blind faith in a cat she had never met. Accordingly, she was even more careful than usual to stick to the route she had been taught. There was no worse time to get lost than when accompanied by a potential threat. Not to mention, it wasn't every day an apprentice was allowed to lead a patrol. Another reason to do things right.

Thankfully (as if there could have been any other outcome, she told herself), their patrol reached RiverClan’s camp without incident. Torrentstar met them mere moments after they’d entered; Mudpaw noted his chilly expression with a rush of something like pride, taking it as proof that her own skepticism was justified. Dappleshine answered the leader’s question first, then disappeared into the group of slowly gathering cats. For a moment, Mudpaw was sidetracked—Scorchclaw? She’d expected his old name to be something like Torrentfang or Torrentclaw or…well, Torrent-anything. Then she remembered Featherpaw. With a dismissive flick of her spotted tail, Mudpaw stood taller and resumed staring at the supposed former RiverClanner. She wanted to see how this ended.

Elated
Bewildered.
Paralysed.
Apprehensive.
Frantic.

Regretful.

She could feel her paws trembling, quavering. A fuzzy fog shrouded her mind, sending faint lightheadedness swooping into her head. Featherpaw thought that perhaps her whole figure had been drained of all warmth - not that there had been much to begin with - and that her limbs had morphed to bleak icicles. An outward observer may have assumed this was because of the chilly gusts sweeping across the clearing, but she knew she was quavering so intensely simply because she was absolutely petrified of the events about to ensue.

Featherpaw's gaze darted about in a frenzy. Where were they? Where were the cats... the cats that she sought? The cats that I need to apologise to. Almost instantly, her search was forced to an abrupt end, when a streak of brown swept into her view. Those piercing eyes - they instantly kindled a flare of recognition in Featherpaw. His frosty gaze, directed straight at her... those sharp eyes were enough to send a fresh tremor through the former RiverClanner.

When Scor- Torrentstar, after a fleeting moment of silence that Featherpaw had not missed, adressed the patrol, a brief flicker of fright flashed over her face. The coldness of his tone reverbrated in her head, confirming her doubts. She examined his expression warily, seeking for any sign of recognition. There had been a vague ember of something in his gaze that may have been an indication that he had recalled something, but she was uncertain. Featherpaw had always had difficulty interpreting Torrentstar's expressions - even if it was an effortless task to read other cats. No, Featherpaw. Focus.

Fidgeting somewhat, she fixed her concentration onto the she-cat (who she had still not obtained the name of), and soundlessly listened. Once her report had been concluded, she inched a quivering smile onto her scarred face, aimed at the warrior. And then there was silence - a sign that it was her turn to speak. And that completely struck her with terror. Briskly darting her eyes to survey her surroundings, she glimpsed little things that amplified her dread: the crowd, the cats staring at her, the apprentice from the patrol staring at her, the leader staring at her. They were all anticpiating what she had to say... butall her words had slipped off her tongue.

"RiverClan," she uttered, voice subtle and barely a squeak, "..Torrent-s-star.." Faint heat rapidly begun to engulf her frozen pelt, shame prickling at her velvety fur. Featherpaw's ears slid down in submission, flattening in anxiety as she internally screamed at herself to stop being a mouse-heart. "I-I promise I am no threat. Many of you don't know me... I'm a f-former RiverClan apprentice. Moons - several moons ago - I left. I left RiverClan... because I let myself become a cat that nobody could be proud of. I-I... I went far away... my paws carried me to somewhere that I could stay. For eternity, I went my own way, but not without regret tugging at me." Her humiliation intensified as she could no longer brought her gaze to meet anyone else's, instead simply staring at her paws. Unconsiously, she was attempting to disguise the harsh tears gathering by the corners of her eyes. "I didn't do good things..! I let words get to me and I became a selfish cat!"

"...And I want to apologise. I wanted to come back to apologise for everything I've done. I wanted to apologise for letting everyone down. I-I-I wanted to apologise for turning into someone... th-that..." She had blew it. Before she even glanced up, she could sense that there was no way now that she would be accepted back. There was no way - even if they had somehow understood her gibberish, there was no doubt she had displayed her weakness.
I don't deserve them. RiverClan would do far better without a cat like me.

Her voice descended into a whisper, until her following words were only perceptible by those closest to her. Downcast bitterness tore at her tone, drowsing the words she was only barely able to choke out. "...It's already too late for me, isn't it? Like how I was too late for Spotfur..." Blinking to clear the glistening drops in her eyes, she steadily lifted her head, her dull eyes drained of all spark. "It's too late... I'm too late... what about the others? Flamewish? Nutfur? Flurryshine? Aspenstrike? Pantherpaw? A-are they still here?"

That was her only hope.
But the shadows enveloping already her told her the grave answer.

Heronflight listened to what Featherpaw had to say.  The warrior knew that some of it was true, thanks to his relationship with Spotfur.  The gray tabby saw the tears well up in Featherpaw’s eyes, her voice breaking.  Heronflight knew that he had to tell her.  He was the one who knew them all, and one of the oldest warriors in RiverClan.  It was his job to tell her what happened.  ”They are now resting in StarClan,” he said solemnly.  ”However, I believe that they heard your apology - and would gladly accept it, each and every one of them.”  The gray tabby tried to be reassuring while telling Featherpaw the truth, but he knew it wasn’t good enough.

Who should step forward to face him, but Dappleshine? Torrentstar met his adopted daughter's gaze stonily; the turmoil that raged within him never showed itself on the outside, as it was crushed before it could reach the surface. He heard her out without a word of interruption. When she was done, his pale gaze swiveled to the stranger. No, she was a stranger no more. Featherpaw―the name was one that brought back memories. If she was who she claimed to be, then she was a former clanmate of his. While he had never really interacted with the apprentice, he remembered seeing her around at least. From what he could remember, Featherpaw had been a shy, seemingly withdrawn cat. One day, she had suddenly vanished from the clan. So much time had passed since her disappearance, he had come to assume that she was dead. It was no wonder that he had not recognized her immediately. After all, one tended not to associate a living face with a dead one. However, it was now clear that she had not died at all; in fact, she was very much alive. He could see the physical resemblance now, in her features compared to the Featherpaw of old. In some ways, she had changed; in some ways, she had not. The passing of moons had undoubtedly left their mark on the cat before him, and the traces of kittish youth had left her face. As for the personality that inhabited the physical, however... He allowed her to speak for herself. After all, it was the truest form of defense she would get in this situation, which was about to become more of a trial than a welcome-back party. Torrentstar did not hold welcome-back parties.

"Heronflight speaks the truth." The RiverClan leader stated flatly. "However..." There was little emotion in his voice―at least, little that was audible. He knew, that after the incident with Dacepaw, the clan was watching his reaction now. He could sense the gazes fixed on his tabby pelt, sense the tension that silently permeated the air. They were waiting. He lashed his feathery tail, as if to forcefully brush away the pressure of the audience. "Whether it is too late for you or not, that has yet to be decided." Just as he had given Dacepaw a chance, he decided to give this trembling she-cat before him a chance. Whether or not she took the paw offered to her, that was up to Featherpaw. By no means was he overlooking the crime she had committed in deserting her clan. He had always hated the act of desertion, and he still did. But he was not as heartless and selfish as Dappleshine might make him out to be. And if he could prove that to her by giving Featherpaw a chance, he would. "You have been foolish, young one." He growled. "And now you will live with your mistakes. Instead of facing the cats you had wronged, you fled like a coward. You have wasted a great deal of time―time that will not return no matter what you do... Indeed, you have been foolish. But what matters now is what you will do from this moment onward. Have you come to apologize, merely hoping that you will be released from the burden of guilt so you can continue your merry life as a rogue? Or have you come desiring even more than that? Tell me, Featherpaw. Now that you have found out that those cats are dead, what do you intend to do? Will you run again, committing the same mistake?" His eyes narrowed. "What is it you've really come to do?"

《ooc; extremely, extremely late! i'm so sorry, i've been promising to get to posting for forever but never got around to doing it. please forgive the wait ;;》

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"They are now resting in StarClan."

Acute rattles concealed her senses mercilessly, a shivery tingle obscuring the world around her.
She could hear the ringing, the ringing, the ringing. The ringing resonating ruthlessly in her ear, obliterating her ability to hear. Everything had morphed into perpetual fear, for he had made it very clear, that those she were seeking were not here. With bitter salt in her eyes, she felt searing tears, because now she knew they had disappeared.

No...
I'm too late...

A wave of grief splashed upon her, drenching her in stunned silence as everything collapsed. The tides of the revelation teared at Featherpaw, shrouding her mind in a daze. Slowly, agonisingly, another tear trickled down. All that was left was an empty pit of dullness.

Everything was a blur.
She could see streaks of pelts, blinking eyes, gazes flickering at her. Heronflight's string of words disarranged into incoherent utters. "How-ver.. b-ieve ap-logy, -ccecept it... eec -nd ev-ry.. them."

Nothing makes
sense

anymore

In her distress, the first words that wafted out of Torrentstar's maw swirled into oblivion. It was only when she realised that, out of all the eyes fluttering at her, scrutinising her steadily, the one with the most intense glare where the icy pupils of the leader. That piercing stare somehow seemed to crack her mind into a more aware state. Nauseous and dizzy, she aimed her own gaze in his vague direction, the tears blurring her vision into a murky fog.

She trembled, ears twitching, as she forced herself to listen. She forced herself to listen to his harsh words, the words that she had been anticipating as soon as Dappleshine informed her about Scorchclaw's new position. She knew they were coming. She'd known they were coming since she decided to return. But, she felt, as she registered his speech, the daze of the grief fuzzed the sharp edges. It was like her head was floating, and everything that entered her mind was a mere cloud. Nothing was hurting more than the fact that she had ruined everything she had cared about. She had destroyed herself by destroying those around her, and now all that was left were the ruins of her own war.

"I-I-I have.. b-been.. foolish..." she whispered, voice deprived of all spirit, "..and I-I have made m-m-mistakes.. But I h-have m-made too many m-mistakes.. I know I've b-been running.. I've b-b-been fleeing m-myself.." Soon her voice had been quivering so violently that the lump in her throat was beginning to choke her. Fleeting, pitiful coughs rattled her jaws before she resumed,

"I-I-I kn-know.. I've been a c-coward... I've kn-known this since I got these s-s-scars... since I ch-changed myself into a w-worse cat, th-thinking I was being c-c-courageous... now I kn-know what I've done w-wrong."

"B-but... I am w-willing to r-r-redeem m-myself." She raised her head tentatively, a barely perceptible inch upward that revealed her sombre, sheenless eyes; her dreary features emphasised by the dismal shadows. "I've been r-running for t-too l-l-long... and I've deserted m-my home. But, p-please, i-if you g-give me the ch-chance... I p-promise.. I promise... I w-will devote. Torrents-star... I won't r-run again. I've r-ran from everything for t-t-too long...

..and I think it's time to make up for my mistakes."

The young she-cat trembled. Was it the grief of knowing her loved ones were lost, the weight of her sins, or both? She seemed barely able to work her jaw, to string words together. How pitiful. The thought flashed across Torrentstar's mind, by no deliberate effort of his own. It was clear that Featherpaw was struggling. However, he was not here to spout trite encouragements like "it's going to be okay." He was not here to be a comforting shoulder that she could cry on either. He lacked the power to wipe past wrongs away, and RiverClan did not operate as a charitable organization. Only Featherpaw could decide what her future would hold―if she would make things right, or if she would run away again. As such, the RiverClan leader continued to wait for her, his intense green gaze never leaving her features.

Why was it that cats chose their own routes into misery? What had driven them to make such decisions? Featherpaw was living proof of that innate tendency. The more one tried to run from his mistakes, the more regret he would end up in. A moment's carelessness would cause him to lose his footing, and he would find himself sliding down a path he could no longer climb back up. Was the shattered, broken cat before Torrentstar too far gone? The large tabby was really in no place to judge her; after all, he was doing the very same thing. He was little more than a hypocrite who would hurt others to keep himself from being hurt. Even so, he kept his head up day after day with all the pride and imposing he could muster, because he had to live up to the leader Jaystar had seen in him.

At last, Featherpaw forced out her answer. Her voice was flickering, and her words seemed disjointed with just how much she was stuttering. Nevertheless, it was exactly what Torrentstar wanted to hear. It was good enough. The corners of his maw twitched upward ever so slightly. She had strength left in her, it seemed.

"In time, we shall see." Torrentstar responded curtly. "Actions speak louder than words, after all." As if the conversation were already over, he half-turned away. "You have one chance, Featherpaw―just one. Do not test my patience again, because it will not be easy to re-earn your place in the clan. If you want to be accepted back, make sure you fight for the right with all your being. I will leave Ivybrook to decide on your mentor." With a final dismissive flick of his tail, he stalked away and headed back to his den.