Carry Me Home (C)

Once relative camp had finally settled over the camp, Ashflight closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind before he set into motion what couldn't be undone.  You can do this...  For a while now he had known, deep down, that this moment was coming.  He could no longer deny his feelings, and regardless of if they were reciprocated, he needed to express them.  That was the only way he could move forward beyond this time of grief and separation, especially with his beloved deputy now being his beloved leader.  He was confident in their friendship, he knew he wouldn't forsake him...but his heart cried for more than that.  He wanted to be with her every step of her path, watch as she grew into the greatest leader RiverClan had ever known, to share a life with her.  Would he be enough for her though?  Was he, Ashflight, the rouge-born wandering traitor who had barely managed to redeem himself, be a good enough mate for a beautiful leader like her?  He didn't know...and he wanted to be honest with her.  About everything.

His paws shaking a bit, Ashflight padded towards the leader's den; that was the last place he had seen Perchstar go.  Turning the corner and peeking in, he offered the bicolor she-cat a slightly awkward smile before meowing; "Um, hey.  Could I- I mean, if you have enough time to, I'm sure you're busy talking things over with Poppyshine and the senior warriors...would you like to go on a walk with me?  I want to talk to you about something...Perchstar."  He still wasn't used to her new name, but he spoke it with such a delicate tone as if it was a beautiful crystal at risk of breaking.  His heart was beating like crazy, and he knew for a fact that his face was not as calm and casual as it usually was.  It didn't matter though.  When her eyes looked back at him, he knew it would all be worth it.  Even if she didn't say yes, even if it didn't go as his wildest dreams had imagined...he still wanted her to know the words that lay inside his worn, bruised heart.

It was strange... Perchstar had never really spent much time in the leader's den before. First, when she was very young, it was where Ivystar slept with her mates. Authority had been a nebulous concept to her, and the leader had been an untouchable figure high above the rest that she had never approached. Then, it was Jaystar's den, but the tom was rarely in it. He was always off somewhere, doing something-- never something she was informed of. It had felt weird to go poking around in his space when he wasn't there, or even when he was. So she had mostly avoided it. Then, Vixenstar had taken up residence. The small den tucked into the willow's roots had stunk of death and decay. And, since she wasn't fond of the cat who lived there, there was even more reason to avoid it than usual. So it felt strange to set paw in the rather small den, with bits and pieces of moss still strewn around from the nests of its prior occupants. It certainly didn't feel like home, unlike the rest of RiverClan. But it was her den now-- so, she had better make the best of it.

The gray-and-white she-cat was doing her best to clean the dirty bedding, wondering whether she should just drag her small nest from the warrior den's corner over and have done with it, when a familiar scent drove away the lingering undertone of blood that had seeped into the willow branches. It was a scent that she would know anywhere. Ashflight. Sure enough, when she turned around, her friend was peeking cautiously through the door. His brother had slept here for moons... had he ever come to visit him in this den? Or had he subconsciously avoided it just as she had? It wasn't important. She dropped the bunch of soiled moss that had been in her mouth onto the floor, pushing it to the side a little self-consciously. Wait, why do I care that the den is dirty? I just started cleaning it. He doesn't care that it looks a little bad, right?

Seeing him reminded her of the life she had been given by Finchstream. The life of love... that brought images of the tom's warm smile and glowing eyes unbidden to the front of her mind. She hadn't quite had time to sort out that whole tangled question yet, and here he was, right in front of her. Keep your head. Don't get any crazy ideas. Why did Ashflight look so nervous? She noticed how he said her new name. Perchstar. Was he uncomfortable around her, now that she had become the leader? Would this drive a wedge between them? "I would love to get some fresh air," Perchstar responded. Her tone was soft and a little more comfortable than usual, as it tended to be around the cat she considered her closest friend. "We haven't taken a walk in a while, have we?" She shook the dust out of her pelt, then straightened up and gave him a small smile. "You don't have to call me Perchstar if it makes you uncomfortable... I am still getting used to the name, myself."

Ashflight's eyes traced the path Perchstar's foot took as it shoved old dry moss away into the corner, and a more genuine smile made its way onto the tom's face.  New name, but she was the same as always.  The thought made him a little less nervous...but only a tad.  He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding as she agreed to the walk, the tension in his shoulders releasing a bit.  "I know, it's been too long.  I felt so...useless being cooped up in the warrior's den, I didn't want to take up your time while they were here."  As he turned to lead the way though, a bit impatient, he glanced back over his shoulder at the sound of her pretty voice once more, though this time concern showed through his apprehension.  "No, it's not that, I just...I don't know, want to treat your name with the respect it deserves I suppose?  I'll call you any name you want me to though, I don't mind."  He felt flustered and turned away with a pink face, leading the way out of camp.

The tom's fluffy tail twitched as they walked, his brain trying to find the right words.  They were headed for the Beech Copse, not because of any sort of plan but just because that was where his paws had led him.  Besides, there wouldn't be any cats around the place in the morning hours.  As the bright green leaves of the trees became visible, Ashflight forced himself to slow the pace, falling into step beside Perchstar.  His eyes traced the ground for a moment before finding her face, but even then her blue eyes seemed too brilliant right now, and he couldn't meet them.  "I-I suppose I haven't said a proper congratulations yet, everything happened so fast.  I know that being deputy wasn't something you chose, but I think you were the perfect cat for the job at the time we needed it.  You helped keep RiverClan stable during my brother's odd reign, so many cats look up to you too, especially the youngsters.  I look up to you also, Perchstar.  You've been so strong, so brave...you'll be an incredible leader."  Smiling softly, he reached out to touch her shoulder with his tail, but his anxiety was too much and he pulled away, continuing the rest of their walk up the hill towards the beautiful beech trees.

Despite the slight awkwardness that hung between them, a little more than usual, Perchstar was still very glad to be around the tom. He always had a way of soothing her normal insecurities and making her feel welcome that few other cats possessed. When he mentioned feeling useless, she shook her head. "Honestly, I was very worried about your health, but I was also glad that you were safe. Stars know that it was a lot more dangerous than usual the past two moons. But you wouldn't have taken up my time-- if anything, I could have used a break." It was good to know that he hadn't been avoiding her because of her failures, anyway. His slight impatience to get out in the territory made her stifle an uncharacteristic chuckle. Respect she deserved? She was still the same cat as always. "You can call me whatever you want; I don't mind either." You can just call me Perch, if you want. She stiffened for a moment. Now, where had that thought come from? She was still riding on the strange, ethereal high of the leader ceremony, she supposed. Strange.

As she had anticipated, the territory was beautiful. It seemed even moreso now that the shadow of death did not linger over it like a cloud over the moon. Bright green leaves sprouting on the few scattered trees ahead; grass growing lush and long after moons buried under the snow; a few varicolored flowers adding even more eye-popping shades to the landscape. RiverClan was gorgeous. However, despite the territory's beauty, Perchstar's eyes kept straying back to her companion. His paws seemed a little twitchy. He was walking faster than her, so it was the back of his head that she kept catching herself staring at. Fluffy gray fur, ears swiveling nervously. What was eating at him? An uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach continued to insist that it was probably her fault, but she tried to push it down. She wanted to enjoy this outing with her friend... not spend the whole time worrying.

Once he slowed down, she tried to meet his eyes. It was difficult, though, as he continued to fidget and glance elsewhere. The gnawing worry grew. Yet, despite Ashflight's hesitance and nervousness, his words were as sweet as always. She found a gradual heat begin rising to her face at his praise. "I wasn't the best deputy... There was a lot that I could have done better. There were many things that I failed to do. I've... tried to make my peace with them, though... And I've recognized finally that leading this Clan is something I want to do." The realization had surprised her, and it still felt strange to not quietly resent the position she held, as she had for so long. "I truly care about RiverClan... I want it to flourish, and grow. And the best way I can help with that is by taking the position of leader, as strange as it may feel to me." He kept complimenting her, and the warmth of her fur grew. She certainly didn't deserve that much praise. "I-I'll do my best," she stammered. Why could she never truly keep her tongue around him? What was it that inspired this strange, fluttering feeling? The same one that Finchstream had called....

Ashflight raised his tail to nudge her, as he had done in a friendly gesture many times before, and then drew it away abruptly. Perchstar winced as he sped up again. Had she said something wrong? Was he simply too uncomfortable with her new leader status to treat her the same as he used to? Or... Oh. A realization struck her, and she stopped dead in her tracks for a brief moment. Then she hurried to catch up. "Ashflight," she said breathlessly, trying to keep her composure, "I'm sorry. I don't want you to think that it was because I didn't think that you were capable, or I didn't value you enough as a friend." Her torn ear twitched uncomfortably. "I'm sorry for not making you deputy. You were still recovering, and I-- I didn't want to put that pressure on you." Should she have? No, she still felt that Poppyshine was the right decision. Despite her youth, she had all the skills necessary for being a good deputy, as well as the social skills Perchstar herself lacked. But Ashflight had been one of her first thoughts for the position... He had to know that, right? It hadn't been meant as an insult in the slightest. Nervous, she waited for his response, trying to keep pace with him and maybe look into his eyes, to see if that was what had been bothering him.

Ashflight smiled, not surprised by Perchstar's humble words.  The she-cat seemed insistent to find the one single fault in her remarkable performances, but it never bothered him.  It was just part of who she was, and he'd accepted it long ago.  He'd bounce back the positive things at her, again and again, and even though she may deny them he knew she appreciated it.  They had been working as a team for a while now, mostly unknowingly.  They were friends, best friends, but he knew that there was more to it to him.  As she spoke of coming to terms with her position, he saw just how much she had grown since the last time they met on this hilltop.  She was no longer Perchfall, the young and unprepared deputy.  She was Perchstar, the strong she-cat he adored.

"We all make mistakes and there are things we've wished we could've done better at.  I have many myself, but what matters is that we use that knowledge to guide us in the future, into new experiences.  A new time.  I will stand by you Perchstar, no matter what."  He finally managed to look her in the eye, but what he saw there wasn't what he expected.  Her breath heavy from trying to keep up, he could see worry embedded in her expression, her eyes reassuring as she spoke of...what?  Suddenly, Ashflight felt a wave of guilt crash over him; he knew Perchstar picked up so easily on the little changes of his mood, she must've seen his anxiety and interpreted it as jealousy.

Green eyes widening, Ashflight shook his head firmly, his words coming out fast.  "Oh, no Perch absolutely not!  That's not what I'm worried about, I promise!  I never expected you to make me deputy, the thought didn't even cross my mind.  Poppyshine is the perfect choice, I would've been shocked if you chose anyone else.  I-I'm sorry for making you worry, the reason I'm so anxious is, well...a little more complicated, I suppose."  This was the moment.  Heart threatening to beat out of his chest, Ashflight took a step closer to Perchstar, closing the distance he had created between them.  He forced his paws to stand still and took a deep breath.  It felt like his tongue was too big for his mouth, but he slowly began to speak, each word carefully and intentionally said.  Despite this, they held uncountable emotions, which had been buried for far too long.

"Perchstar, you're my best friend.  I always know that if I'm worried or just need some company I can come to you, and we can have one of our wonderful conversations that brighten my life in more ways than I can say.  I cherish it when you do the same, I want to support you and be a dependable friend to you no matter what may come.  You're kind, empathetic, caring, smart, brave...you're one of the greatest cats I've ever known.  Your friendship after my return to RiverClan finally made me feel welcome here again, I can't thank you enough for that, my friend.  Friend...that's the word I've always told myself.  For a long time though...I've known I can no longer call you that in good faith."  His breath ran heavily through his lungs as Ashflight bent his head towards Perchstar's, almost close enough for their muzzles to touch.  His green eyes were more serious than they had ever been but also glowed with a burning light of passion.  The carefree tom had never looked more intense.

"Perch...I love you.  I have never loved another cat as much as I've loved you, and I-I can no longer keep my feelings to myself.  You are the light of my life, the first soul I think about when I wake up and when I fall asleep.  Thoughts of you have distracted me beyond all reason; the gleam of your pelt, the sound of your voice, your smile, your eyes...I love every part of you, even the messy things you try to hide.  I want...I want to call you mine, so badly.  If you'll have me, if you feel the same...will you stay by my side?  I know I don't have much to offer, I'm just an average warrior - heck, lower than that!  I'm rouge-born, I got into RiverClan trying to steal prey for my siblings.  I joined Asylum out of desperation but was too much of a coward to face my mother, I ran away from my home in their hour of need, and it took me way too long to return.  I...I'm the farthest thing from the perfect mate for RiverClan's leader, but regardless..."  Against his will, tears brimmed in the corners of his eyes as he returned his gaze to Perchstar's eyes, oh her lovely eyes.

"...my greatest desire, is to be by your side."

A moment of tense waiting... Then, Perchstar exhaled in involuntary relief at her friend's words. So that wasn't why he was upset. Oh, thank the stars. It had probably been wrong of her to assume, but in her panic, her mind had jumped to that conclusion immediately. She was also glad that he agreed Poppyshine was a good choice; that made her feel even better about it, since she valued his opinion greatly. But, if that wasn't the reason, then what was? Her blue eyes were quizzical, but encouraging, as they met his. "You can tell me anything, Ashflight." Perhaps it had simply been too long since they spoke... perhaps he hadn't wanted to confide his reasons for being anxious to her. However, it seemed that now he was willing to. She would listen and help. Just like he had always done for her.

Hearing Ashflight call her his best friend made the warm feeling in her chest return. Their relationship as friends had been cemented for a long time... but hearing that she, out of all the wonderful cats in RiverClan, was that close to him? It was an honor. Perchstar's face grew hot as he continued to compliment her, noticing their sudden proximity. I mean... I try my best... but kind? Empathetic? I've always had difficulty properly showing my emotions. Yet, she didn't protest, but simply let him speak. Even if she couldn't quite fully believe them, they were nice to hear. She had heard before that she was logical, or smart, or good with authority, all of which were sometimes true. But Ashflight was one of the only cats who constantly saw past her calm mask and knew the real, messy version of her. And he liked her anyway. The last words he spoke caught her off guard. He... can't call me his friend? Wait, why? But he just said... Her mind was still whirling from all of the praise; she couldn't comprehend why he would call her his best friend, and then go back on his words.

"Perch...I love you."

Oh. She suddenly went numb. Love...? That word had always been strange to her. Sure, she liked cats sometimes. There were some who were very dear to her. But... love? Love was for cats like Poppyshine, warm and bright and open to the world, like a ray of sunshine distilled into cat form. Love was for mothers and young warriors and grizzled old elders with their equally grizzled old mates. But... her? Perchstar, the new leader who had never quite understood how friendship worked, even now? Who failed to keep the Dark Forest out for moons? Who could rarely smile or laugh, and hardly showed her emotions due to how much of a mess she was? Ashflight loved her? He loved her? He loved her? Ashflight, the most wonderful tom in the world, was leaning in this close to her and saying those words, with the most devoted light shining in his eyes?

Unbidden, words she had heard just the other night sprang to her mind. "Never wait until it's too late to show your love to those around you, no matter how much it might scare you. Without love, we are aimless. With this life I give you the gift of love, use it to protect your clan, find meaning in this world, and most of all, to find happiness." Is this what Finchstream had meant? Was that what she was trying to prepare her for? These words from her best friend, the cat that she liked most in the world... no... loved most. She loved Ashflight. She did. Looking back frantically through her memories, Perchstar could recall time after time that she had spent with the tom, talking to him, feeling the same strange, fluttery feeling that she felt now, with his eyes looking so earnestly into hers. Those shining, passionate green eyes, begging for an answer. She couldn't fool herself any longer. She loved Ashflight. There was no way around it.

It felt like her pelt would burst into flames at this point, with how hot her face was. Her heart would pound its way out of her chest any moment now. But she had to respond. She couldn't just continue to sit here, stunned, struck dumb by the sudden confession. As new as this concept was to her... she could not continue to deny it. Perchstar's voice was quiet as she spoke, but raw and honest. "I... I love you too, Ashflight," she finally managed to say. "Don't demean yourself. You have always been so kind to me... but, more than that. You understand me. My social skills are perhaps the worst out of any cat I have ever met, yet you can always make me feel at ease. When I am with you, I feel like I can truly be myself. Your origins have nothing to do with it. If anything, they make you an even stronger cat, since you have managed to overcome such odds. It astounds me that you would feel like this towards a cat like me. Honestly, I can't make sense of it." Still somewhat shellshocked, she shook her head, but she couldn't stop the small, shy smile that grew on her face. "But if you would like to be there... then, there will always be a place for you at my side. I love you." The words were new to her. They felt strange in her mouth. However, burning with a strange feeling that she now had a name for, the leader leaned forward tentatively and brushed her nose gently against Ashflight's.

Ashflight waited, breath heavy in his chest, as Perchstar tried to process his words.  For a moment he worried, perhaps he had said too much and flustered her?  It had been a bit a long-winded confession, but as the gray-furred tom gazed into her blue eyes, he couldn't help the content smile that returned to his face.  He didn't regret any of his words, not one bit, because they were all true to him.  Everything was finally out in the open, and he didn't think he could get any happier.  However, when Perchstar finally began to speak, he realized that wasn't true; he could still be even happier yet.

It was his turn to flush red.  She loved him too...Perchstar felt the same!  The tom could've jumped for pure joy in that very moment, but he waited.  His green eyes sparkled with enchanted light as a wide, slightly embarrassed smile dawned on his face.  She spoke so highly of him, of strength built from hardship, but the words that meant the most to him were the ones of kindness and acceptance.  He often didn't think about his own nature, how empathy and closeness came so naturally to him but hearing her say it...he would strive to keep those qualities forever.  Because she loved them...because she loved him.  Perchstar leaned closer, and Ashflight closed his eyes as their muzzles brushed together, a special closeness he hadn't experienced before.  

His paws shaking from pure joy, Ashflight purred and pressed his forehead against Perchstar's, touching his nose to her own.  He reached out with his fluffy tail to find her slender one, intertwining them a bit hesitantly.  In the early morning breeze, she felt so warm, so comforting.  Perhaps they could stay like this forever, in this blissful moment of happiness.  "I love you, so much.  I promise that I will always stay by your side, for however long you want me.  I will always be there when you need help, need to rest, need someone to talk to...my life is yours Perchstar."  Though he whispered Ashflight's words were strong and powerful, like an oath sworn during a warrior ceremony.  When he lifted his head though and opened his eyes, the only way he could've been described was exhilarated.  Wide excited eyes danced as he launched into speech, his voice gaining the higher pitch it possessed when he was excited.  "I've been waiting so long to tell you all that, finally I can get the weight off my chest!  It's been such a long day for you, I'm sure.  I won't keep you too long, let's get back to camp.  Maybe you could move your nest next to..."  He paused, remembering that now Perchstar would be sleeping in the leader's den under the Willow Branch.  A sudden ache could be felt in his chest, but he didn't express his desire.  Instead, his words trailed off awkwardly, and he gazed at Perchstar in hopes that she'd understand the question he felt too out-of-place to say.