A sense of normalcy [c]

Honeypaw has largely been keeping to himself these past few days. He's been in a haze since the battle, since Starclan returned to them. He has so many questions about what happened… and no energy or will to ask any of them.

Finally though, he wanted to get out of his head. He’s starting to return to awareness, and he’d really rather not be focused on himself when that happens. So he searched for a distraction, and found one in the morning in the form of Leopardsun. It couldn’t have been very long ago that they were sharing a den; although, that feels like a lifetime ago now. He picked up two pieces of fresh-kill, one for her and one for him, and walked over. He set down a frog in front of her before asking, “Mind if I join you?”

Leopardsun shook her head, shifting over a bit to make a little extra space. She had been positively miserable for the past few days, but she already knew that avoiding every cat around her wasn't going to help, and it was better to avoid causing problems. Besides, she hadn't minded Honeypaw's company before, and they were likely to be sharing a den again sooner rather than later. "Go ahead."

She had found that, even after the departure of the Dark Forest and discovering what starlight was, she much preferred the sunlight. Moonlight was fine, a cool embrace, but the warmth of the sun's rays was something she'd found herself clinging to even as the weather changed. When she wasn't hunting, or joining whatever patrol was leaving camp, or poking around the nursery, she was trying to find a good sunlit spot to rest.

Honeypaw offered a smile that was a bit more hesitant and shy than he normally is. He sat down beside Leopardsun, settling down to eat as he too enjoyed the warmth of the sun soaking him.

“I never got to properly congratulate you on becoming a warrior,” He mewed, looking over at her. “I really like your new name.” He gave another smile.

"Um... Thanks," Leopardsun acknowledged. It felt awkward for some reason she couldn't explain- too long since she'd spoken more than she needed to, maybe, to anyone but her sister. "It's... Yeah. I like it, too." It was hard to articulate why; maybe it was just her newfound attachment to the sun. Maybe it was just that it was hers. It wasn't what she'd expected, but that wasn't a bad thing. "Well... Do you think you'll be getting yours soon? What do you think it'll be?"

A moment of silence, spent staring at her paws. "What would you want it to be? If you could have any name in the world."

She didn't know why she was asking. She wasn't unhappy with hers, but... Just curiosity, maybe. Wondering if the cats around her had the same curiosities and wonderings and doubts.

Honeypaw wasn’t sure he’d become a warrior soon at all, not after how he acted at the battle, but he didn’t really want to say that. Leopardsun’s question gave him pause. He’d never thought about it before so he was silent for a moment, trying to think. He worked his jaw for a moment, then spoke,

“I don’t know. Something to reflect me, I guess. Which I suppose is a given.” His ear twitched, then he giggled a bit. “Maybe something like Honeydrip. ‘Cause you know, honey drips all slowly?” He shook his head. “No, but, I… I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m anywhere earning that I guess. And I’m not sure what kind of warrior I’d be.” He looked at Leopardsun and smiled. “I just hope I'll be the kind that makes the clan proud, and everything.”

He shrugged, then took a bite of his food. After chewing for a moment he said, “What about you? I know you said you liked the one you have, but if you could pick your own, would you choose something different?"

"I don't know," Leopardsun sighed. "I had thought, before, they'd call me something like- Leopardfall. Or Leopardtail," she added, swishing her long tail. "Or, if I was lucky, maybe they'd name be after someone else, you know? My mother, my father, my mentor... Any of those, maybe. They're gone, and Frostgaze won't be Frostgaze anymore, so... One of those, yeah."

She rested her head on her paws. "But I do like my name. It's- mine. That feels important. If I had been named after my parents, I..."

I don't know how I'd get through the day without crying.

Honeypaw listened to Leopardsun quietly, and when she trailed off, he guessed softly, “It would’ve been a painful reminder?” He paused, then hesitantly shifted a bit closer, not enough that they’re touching, but enough so that she could feel the warmth from his fur as a small bit of comfort.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Leopardsun,” He says softly, sincerely.

"Something like that," she agreed. "I don't know that I could keep living my life, haunted by ghosts. Even if they'd lived, it would be- it would mean I had to live up to what they were. Be even better, otherwise I'd be failing them somehow, y'know?"

Leopardsun let herself sink into the ground a bit more, silently grateful for Honeypaw's presence. "...Thanks," she murmured, unsure if that was the right response. "It's not fair. And it's not fair to get so caught up in it either, I know, but I can't- I can't help it. I never thought... I never thought I could lose them again."

She shook her head. "Sorry, Honeypaw. It's not really your problem, is it? None of us escaped unscathed."

Honeypaw listened to Leopardsun quietly for a moment, not looking at her so she felt more free to speak her mind. When she apologized however, he looked over at her again. “It’s true that none of us got out unscathed and that none of this is fair; but I think it’s even less fair not being able to talk about any of it.” He smiled a bit. “I don’t mind listening. You have nothing to apologize for.” He assured.

“Everything’s changed now.” He looked out into the distance once more. “I don’t remember a time before the Dark Forest. It’s hard to imagine what life will be like now, without them. It’ll take time for everyone to adjust to the change and… grieve what we lost.”

"Exactly!" Leopadsun agreed, surprising even herself with the force behind the word. "I mean... I don't remember it, either. I'm still getting used the night sky being so bright. Makes me feel a little out of place, sometimes. Like I spent my whole life dreaming, and then one day I woke up and everyone else knew what they were doing and I didn't. Am I even making any sense?"

Honeypaw nodded vigorously, grateful to be able to talk about his thoughts and feelings with someone who understood them. “You’re making perfect sense. I know exactly what you mean. I know… I know that Starclan is really important to a lot of cats. And I know that they supposedly do a lot of important stuff. But I… It’s so hard to conceptualize.” He sighs heavily. “I mean, the first thing I saw of Starclan was… well, the gathering. I know I should believe in them as my ancestors and everything. But all those stars up there just. Look like stars, that after so long of a blank sky, don’t even seem like they should be there. You know what I mean? I know that our ancestors are there, of course. Which is good, I think. But it's hard to believe that they... affect us down here.”

Leopardsun returned the vigorous nodding. "Yeah! And I bet if we said that, they'd say we were disrespecting them or something. Accuse us of heresy, maybe? I don't know. It's hard to say. But they have this whole idea of what StarClan even is that we don't." She rolled onto her side, swatting half-heartedly at a passing moth as if trying to hit it would help air out her frustration. "Is it good? I don't know. I want to think it is, that there's someone watching out for us... But were they really?"

The spotted warrior took a deep breath. "I mean... Maybe they just couldn't stop the Dark Forest, maybe they weren't strong enough, but then what does that say about them? And when they came back... We drove them off with their help, maybe, but at what cost? Was it worth the lives of honorable warriors? Was it worth their own sacrifice? Was there nothing else they could have done? I just... I don't know if I can bring myself to trust blindly in something I can't see. Not after they've taken so much from us."

Rolling back onto her paws, she rested her head on them. "They gave Murkystar nine lives, and look what that got her. They speak to leaders and medicine cats, but not when we need them most. Is it so bad, then, to rely on ourselves and each other instead? Maybe it's selfish or a bit silly, but... I just want something I can see to believe in."

Honeypaw nodded with complete understanding. He pushed away the remains of his food, stretching out before settling fully on the ground, tucking his paws underneath him. His tail swished, disturbing the ground around them. “I know I can trust Iceheart as my mentor, or Swiftheart, or you. I can trust in the warrior code and in the clan. But Starclan?” He shook his head.

“I don’t think it’s selfish at all,” He said. “Believing in Starclan asks us to take a lot on faith. We’re supposed to believe they have our best interests at heart, that they’ll be here for us when we need them, that they know best. And I haven’t seen much to prove that any of that is true.”

“I’d much rather trust you and trust me and the rest of the clan rather than… Something I barely understand.” He took a deep breath, looking over at Leopardsun. “And honestly, I’m really glad I’m not alone in that… I was afraid I was the only one who felt that way about them. And like you said, I was scared that if I voiced my doubts to anyone, that they’d accuse me of being disrespectful or blasphemous or whatever.”