Ashes and Beech Trees [Ashstorm]

Beechface led the way out of camp, turning in the direction of the great ridge with a tired sigh. Herb gathering never ended, but at least with Ashstorm tagging along she might be able to carry a bit more. Bloodstar had been watching her from the edge of camp, she could feel it, and Beechface was all too relieved to be away from it. Their last argument still stuck in the forefront of her mind, making her fur prickle with discomfort and unease when she was near him. As they moved away from camp, Beechface relaxed fractionally, though her mind always wandered back to the cats left in camp. Bloodstar was making defensive preparations a priority, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that something would go wrong while she was away, like what had happened with Mountainkit and Sneezingkit.

"I'm looking for chickweed, Lamb's ear, and wintergreen, specifically, but if there's other herbs that have survived this long we'll collect them too." She mewed, already beginning to pick her way through the rocky landscape. A chilly wind ruffled her fur, though Beechface much preferred the cold to the warmth of greenleaf.

Ashstorm followed Beechface out of camp on that cool leaf-fall day.  She wanted to talk with her sister about everything that she knew happened... and she wanted to see how much she got right.  She had not yet seen Beechface's side of the story and she hoped to know it.  She was a little busier than normal, but she would always make sure to have time for her family, no matter how messed up and torn apart her family was at times.

She nodded when her sister told her what they were looking for.  "Got it," she exclaimed, then started to look around at the plants.  She was never trained in looking for herbs and she was not that good at finding them, however Ashstorm was still determined to try to help out.  Walking with Beechface, looking at plants, she thought that this might be a good time to start a conversation.  "How have you been lately?"  She simply asked.  First she would see if Beechface would bring it up on her own, then, if she didn't, Ashstorm would ask further.

"Fine," Beechface shrugged. Not really fine, but her sister had enough to worry about with being deputy now. She didn't need to drag her into her problems with Bloodstar. The medicine cat picked a small sprig of lamb's ear, the soft and fuzzy plant making her whiskers twitch as she fought not to sneeze.

"How's being deputy?" Beechface knew that Ashstorm had been busier recently, but it seemed like her younger sister was handling it well enough. Beechface hoped it would stay that way. She didn't want her sister to end up bitter and hating her position as she did.

"It's... okay," she responded.  "It's more work than I thought it would be, but other than that I'm happy to be deputy."  Being deputy was definitely exciting for Ashstorm.  In her mind, being busy was all part of the job, although she hoped that she would get used to it soon because it was quite a bit of work.

She paused for a moment, wondering whether or not she should bring up the other topic to Beechface.  "I... I heard that you and Bloodstar got into a fight," she brought up quickly.  "Don't worry.  I'm not going to tell you that your wrong or that you should not have done that or anything.  But, I would want to hear your side of it, if you want to tell me.  If it should make you relieved or if it would help you get rid of bottled up emotions to vent about it to me... I'll listen."

Beechface offered her sister the hint of a smile. She could sympathize with the high workload. She'd mostly gotten used to it, but some days the weight on her shoulders seemed like it was crushing the life out of her.

Her smile faded as Ashstorm continued, and Beechface let out a huff, tail lashing once. There was no point in lying about it, and if Ashstorm had already heard about it from Bloodstar she may as well tell her sister her point of view.

"He doesn't listen to a thing I say, abandons the clan and ignores his family in favor of that filthy Shadowclanner, and his featherbrained policy has gotten those I love and care about killed, but I'm expected to be just fine with it, apparently."

"Did Bloodstar tell you that he'd rather I die trying to fight Dawnhawk than walk away with my tail intact? He's nearly killed me how many times when I wasn't recovering from being struck by lightning." She growled, "And he thinks I should join him, too. I said I understood where that stars-cursed rat was coming from, not that I wanted to join him! And he wonders why I'm a miserable, snappy badger with a sore rear? Has he looked in a puddle of water recently?"

"It was not right of him to do."  Ashstorm said with a shake of her head.  She did feel a bit betrayed by what Bloodstar did same as Beechface, but she was less likely to cause a problem of it.  She was less assertive than her sister, that was for sure.  She never wanted to cause a problem.

"Unfortunately, he did not tell me that from what I remember.  All I heard was that you agreed with Dawnhawk, which I honestly had a bit of a hard time believing.  I did hear that he lashed out though, but that was it.  What was said in that argument was uncalled for, and I wish, and I bet you and Bloodstar too, that it never happened.  Hypocrisy seems to be fairly common in Skyclan unfortunately and our family especially.  Sometimes I wish we had a normal family, you know?  But was there ever actually such a thing?"

She stopped speaking after her monologue and just continued looking for herbs, waiting for Beechface to respond.  She hoped that nothing she said angered her sister, but around cats with short tempers there was no telling.

Beechface's ears flattened as Ashstorm spoke. "I... Understand where Dawnhawk was coming from. Every foxing thing was an argument, or someone snapping at him for little things. He deserved most of it, of course, but I... see why he despises us so much. And nothing's changed since he left, either." She muttered after a moment, tail lashing in frustration. "That doesn't excuse anything he's done, I want him dead more than most of you, I'd wager. The forest would be a better place without that fleabag in it."

"We're all hypocrites... I'm not sure we'll ever know 'normal.'" She shrugged, "Sure would be nice, though."

"In my opinion, he was mostly trying to make a point and change things for what he thought would be for the better," she responded.  "He made a point in which no one seem to get.  Anything can be deemed right in our own minds if we justify it enough, no matter how awful it may be."  She paused, here ears on her head same as her sister.  "Not that it makes anything better in the real world.  Not that... it makes anyone better either."  She thought for a moment.  Her eyes on the ground.  "I think most of the problem with Skyclan is how much hate is in every one of our hearts and how much we feel the need too blame others for it."  Now, she was talking about in general.  Not about Dawnhawk or Bloodstar and Beechface's fight, just Skyclan as a whole.

"Doesn't make any of his choices right. Or okay." Beechface muttered, "He can believe he was doing the 'right thing' all he wants. He's still wrong." She scoffed.

Full of hate? Ashstorm... Might have had a point. But she couldn't just... let go? of her anger, either. "I don't know, Ash... There are something things that just can't be forgiven. How am I supposed to let things go when they affect our entire family?"

Ashstorm shook her head.  Her eyes went on her sister, only really sympathy and kindness filled them.  She ducked her head and thought a moment.  "I'm not asking you, or anyone in Skyclan for that matter, to just forgive him.  And I am definitely not asking for you to forget or pretend it never happened either."

She paused a moment, wondering the right way to word what she was going to say next.  "But anger hurts you more than anyone else.  Bloodstar was wrong, most everyone can agree on that, but how far will holding a grudge get you?  The only thing it does is cause divide... you're trying to find a way to punish him, but you're really punishing yourself.  Bloodstar learned his fault to the best of my knowledge, and no, he should not just be forgiven, but why make yourself suffer more for something that's already horrible?"

"I-" Beechface began, then paused. Foxdung! What even could she say to that? It was on the tip of her tongue to argue... But she was so tired of arguing. And Ashstorm... wasn't... wrong. And Beechface didn't want to admit that she was wrong. Bloodstar was an idiot, and she despised what he'd done... But he and Briarthorn were hardly even together. And his decisions as leader so far had been... reasonable. Ugh.

Maybe she was being unfair to him? Beechface's tail lashing in frustration as she thought, Ashstorm's words made her want to argue. Her, suffering? Keeping this up was... exhausting, in truth. She'd told Bloodstar as much, she didn't want to be angry all the time. It wasn't her fault that he'd done what he had.

"I suppose you're right." She muttered finally, ears flattening at the admission. "It is exhausting. I hate being this angry all the time." But what was she supposed to do about it? Was she supposed to just... let things go? Her gaze lifted to Ashstorm's, questioning. "I don't know, sister." She huffed, claws idly sinking into the dirt.

She stared blankly at her sister a moment.  That... was not the answer she expected, especially from Beechface.  Honestly, it through her off guard.  She blinked a few times.  She had learned to expect the worse response so when she got the one she was hoping for it was really weird.

"It's... really hard I know," She said quietly and flattened her ears to her head.  "When I first heard what he did... when the kits were born I was so mad at him and mad at the kits too.  One of them was apprenticed to me as you probably know, if that did not happen then I might still be as angry as I was then." She did not want to say Bearflower's name.  If Beechface forgot which one of them was her apprentice she assumed it would be for the better.

Ashstorm stared blankly at her, blinking a few times. Evidently, Beechface's words hadn't been what her sister had expected to hear. Which... Beechface could admit that the words had somewhat surprised even her.

"Yeah..." She muttered, "And I was expected to just... assist with the birth like everything was fine. Because I'm a medicine cat." Her lip curled, the anger she felt for the decision still very real and obvious. Ashstorm had had one of them as an apprentice, though Beechface had paid their half-siblings as little attention as she could get away with. It was easier that way. "Newtspring is... okay, I guess." They'd come to an understanding, of sorts. Beechface didn't want to throttle him. Most of the time. As for the others... Beechface would be happy to continue to not interact with her half-sisters any more than was necessary. They weren't family and would never be family to her.

Ashstorm nodded.  "It was not good that that was expected of you," Ashstorm responded.  "Still... I can see even you admit that at least some of them can be pleasant at times."  She smirked a little and then shook her head with her eyes closed and then opened them again.  "Everything that has happened has been so exhausting recently.  It's been so hard in Skyclan.  Still, some things we can allow to affect us more than they should.  You should just make sure that isn't happening to you, 'cause that will just make you suffer more."