Falling Away From Me [Mossbloom]

Beechface wearily pulled herself from her nest, dull yellow-green eyes sweeping over the den's dwindling occupants. Foxfire's ginger pelt was still curled nearly motionless in his nest, and Beechface sniffed at the poultices covering his still-healing wounds before turning towards the back of the den where she kept her herb stores. At least his wounds were healing, albeit slowly, but the faint rise and fall of his flanks were the only sign that Foxfire still lived. He hadn't woken since she'd managed to drag him into her den after the clan had returned from Windclan's camp, and with each day that passed Beechface was beginning to think that there was less of a chance that he'd recover.

At least his wounds don't smell of infection, she thought, carefully clearing the older poultices away and replacing them with fresher herbs. And that was where any sense of relief or hope the medicine cat had ended.

With tending to Foxfire done for the moment, Beechface turned to stare at the herb stores... And stared, shoulders slumping. She ought to find a warrior or steal an apprentice that didn't look busy to help carry herbs, she should be checking on her clanmates or trynig to convince Wolfstar to eat and Beechface simply... didn't have the energy for any of it. While her injuries were healing, her stiff, slow movements were more like that of an elder rather than the relatively young medicine cat she actually was. At some point the pain had gone from mind-numbing to... slightly less mind-numbing. Or maybe she was starting to become used to it.

Her gaze dropped to her paws, absently staring at the strange scars that wrapped around her left foreleg and extended to her chest, shoulder and across the back of her neck. Still bright red, they hadn't yet begun to fade, though that wasn't what had Beechface's ears pinning back against her skull as a look of disgust crossed her face. The scars almost looked like the roots of a tree, or maybe fern leaves.

Starclan laughing at her, Beechface had no doubt. Because clearly, being shoved into the unwanted position of medicine cat, being helpless to actually save her clanmates when it mattered, and being struck by lightning because of the actions of one idiot half-breed mongrel that shouldn't even be in Skyclan wasn't enough. Apparently she needed a reminder burned into her flesh, as well. If she ever saw one of those fox-hearts, she'd let them know exactly what they could do with the reminder. Beechface doubted she'd get the chance to, of course, but she could dream about it, at least.

Maybe if she just walked away from it all they'd leave her alone. Or, far more likely, they'd just continue to pick at Skyclan, at her, and nothing would change. Though even that was giving Starclan too much credit. Things would change for the worse regardless of what she did, she was sure of it.

Pawsteps could be heard near the entrance to the den, and Beechface flicked an ear, a tired huff escaping her as she reluctantly turned towards the den entrance.

Rumors had spread quickly. No one in ThunderClan knew the whole story, just the various sides that had been thrown out at recent Gatherings. However, following the most recent Gathering, Mossbloom had taken it upon herself to volunteer to go take some spare herbs to SkyClan. Greenleaf had been generous, and the forest had produced more herbs than ThunderClan was able to use - hopefully their leaf-fall stores would get them through leafbare, but for now... The extra should go to a clan in need. She had waited patiently at the border for a patrol to pass by, and once she announced who she was she saw the recognition in the warriors eyes as he lead her to SkyClan's camp. She knew the way, but she was no longer a medicine cat, and the clans were worthy of respect regardless of a cat's rank. Once they reached the camp, she nodded gratefully to the warrior before heading towards the medicine cat den, pausing outside to catch her breath before stepping in.

She was greeted by a soft, tired sounding huff and a reluctant looking Beechface. She blinked as she took in the medicine cat's new wounds in a quick glance, setting down the carefully wrapped herbs at her paws before smiling at her friend. "It's good to see you too, Beechface. It's been far too long." She purred, tail curling happily. "I brought you some herbs, would you like me to put them away for you?"

Beechface managed a weary smile at seeing Mossbloom's familiar pelt. It had been a while since she'd seen the retired medicine cat, and her presence in Beechface's den was unexpected but not unwelcome.

"It's good to see you too, Mossbloom." She mewed, offering her friend and former mentor a weary, brittle smile. Her gaze dropped to the herbs, and Beechface couldn't help feeling a bit of guilt. She should have been out gathering things on her own. Thunderclan's retired medicine cat shouldn't have needed to fill Skyclan's stores, not when she and Dovefrost had already done far more than required to help over the moons.

"Thank you... I'll put them away." She mewed, hauling herself to her paws. Right now her movements were stiff and painful still, and Beechface wondered if she didn't look more like an elder herself with how she gingerly shuffled about the den. She wasn't an elder though, and it was no excuse for inactivity, however much she just wanted to curl up in her nest.

"How have you been? How are things in Thunderclan?" She asked, it had... been a while since they'd spoken. Far too long really. She wondered if Dovefrost had broken the news of Briarthorn to Thunderclan yet. The potential storm brewing there was worrisome, though she trusted the medicine cat enough to believe that he'd rather cooler heads prevail. She didn't know Minkstar at all though, but he had good counsel in Mossbloom and Dovefrost, she was certain of that much.

The elder purred at Beechface's welcome, noting the smile - brittle and weary though it was. "Of course, Beechface. Happy to help. It's nice to get out of ThunderClan's camp and walk through the woods again." She mewed, watching the medicine cat as she shuffled around the den. Her movements were stiff, and looked as though they caused her pain, yet she still pushed through. Her ears perked as Beechface asked how she had been doing, and she chuckled lightly. "I've been doing just fine, although things are certainly getting more stiff every morning. Walks have been helping quite a bit, although it's easy to get lost in memories and thoughts when you're walking alone. My eyesight is getting worse too - I actually mistook a young she-cat for you along the border! What was her name.... Birdfeather? Birdsnow? Hmmmm..... Oh! Birdsong, I believe. Poor she-cat was so confused when I greeted her as I do you." She purred, tail curling slightly as she recalled her initial embarrassment. "ThunderClan is doing fine, thank you for asking. More importantly though, Beechface, how are you? How is SkyClan? You all have faced great hardships and wounds, yet here you stand. That is no small feat, but please don't push yourself too hard."

Mossbloom spoke, and not for the first time Beechface was struck by the fact that her mentor, her friend, was older, much older than her parents or grandparents were. She mentioned the stiffness in her own movements, and while it was to be expected, especially with the weather beginning to turn for the colder seasons, it was still sad to think about.

"It's good that walks are helping," She mewed, "If this is what I have to look forward to, I'm not sure I like it." At least Beechface was healing. Slowly, infuriatingly slowly, but she could notice that her movements were slowly starting to seem less stiff. Not enough to clear her from 'I could pass for an elder' status, but it was at least something.

Mossbloom's vision deteriorating was unfortunate, Beechface wished there was something to be--

Oh.

Foxdung.

Mistaken Birdsong for her? Beechface supposed she should have been flabbergasted that nobody else had done so already. They weren't similar in personality at all, but appearance? Birdsong was tall, her gray tabby fur a more solid version of Beechface's own. Her eyes were lighter in shade, closer to Wrenspring's, but their shape was her mother's.

"Birdsong, yes. She's my-" her voice was higher pitched then normal, Beechface gave herself a little shake, and coughed, "my niece." Mossbloom would think she just had a tickle in her throat, right? Attribute it to how she was visibly still recovering?

Beechface suddenly felt as if the air in the den was much warmer, the lie tasted bitter on her tongue as she stared down at the herbs in front of her paws. Should she at least tell Mossbloom? The aging medicine cat deserved honesty... And so did Birdsong, and Shadewing. So why did the thought of admitting the truth make her stomach twist with dread?

Mossbloom, bless her, continued talking, and Beechface relaxed.

"It's one thing after another." She sighed, "Silly me, thinking we might get a moment of peace after the Asylum left. We're... surviving, at least." Surviving. Barely, but that was what Skyclan did best.

Mossbloom laughed again, her chuckles shifting to a purr of amusement. "I don't think any cat really likes it. It's part of our life, though. Someday, whether it's soon or I still have some moons in me, I will leave the physical world to walk among the stars. Perhaps I will finally get the answers and peace to some things when that time comes. For now, though... It's one day at a time." Her head tilted slightly as Beechface's voice seemed to rise in pitch as she coughed before calling Birdsong her niece. Mossbloom hesitated for a moment before nodding. If there was something troubling the medicine cat, then Mossbloom wouldn't pry. Besides, she was still healing. "Yes, that's what she said. A very kind she-cat, we had a nice talk." She purred. "Silly us," she corrected gently. "I think everyone thought there would be some brief reprieve for all the clans following Asylum, but of all of us, SkyClan has certainly faced the worst. Surviving is sometimes the most that can be done, and I am proud of you for continuing to push through despite everything that seems to be against you. It's a testament to your strength and resolve, and determination. Even if it feels like you're drowning right now."

"She's a good cat." Beechface mewed. She was a better cat than Beechface, that much was obvious. Her ears flicked back slightly, regret and anger burning in her chest. Birdsong didn't deserve to be lied to, and she knew full well that the longer it continued, the worse the fallout would be. Her gaze drifted briefly to the nests... To Wrenspring's still form. If anyone would know what to do it was him, but he was fading, too. All the herbs and knowledge that she'd had weren't enough. "Wrenspring too... I wish there was more I could do. She doesn't deserve to watch her father go like this." Her tail flicked back and forth as she gazed at Wrenspring for... Perhaps a moment too long, before her gaze turned towards Mossbloom once more.

"Even the stars are against us... And I'm not sure they were ever on our side to begin with. Dawnhawk was never punished for a foxing thing he's done, but they have no problem throwing lightning bolts at medicine cats for the actions of two idiot apprentices." Not that Cloverpaw hadn't deserved Bearwhatever's claws connecting with her face... Beechface would've been happier without the lightning bolt. Her relationship with Wrenspring had never harmed anyone, and taking one of Lilacstar's lives had been self-defense. But a light scratch during a time of peace, and that had apparently been what offended them the most.

Mossbloom nodded in agreement to Beechface's statement and followed the medicine cat's gaze to the tom laying in a nearby nest. Wrenspring, she called him. Did she know him? Mossbloom found she couldn't remember. She frowned as Beechface spoke, looking closer at the tom's unmoving form. She chirped quietly to herself as she took in his wounds, the gray in his pelt. What had happened to him?... She felt eyes on her pelt, and she turned back to Beechface as she continued, and her ear twitched as she spoke against the stars. She had to agree with what she was saying, having heard the warnings and rumors of his crimes, but... "Beechface, the stars aren't supposed to pick a side. They're not supposed to interfere - even though recent events have proven that they can and will. That's a different point though, they're not supposed to do anything other than help guide our paws in the right direction. Not give us all of the answers, and deal out punishments to the living. That duty is entirely in our paws. Although I do agree, the lightning bolt, especially directed at you, was uncalled for. I've spoken to the stars on several occasions regarding that. They aren't perfect though, they're still the same cats they were when they walked among us. Dying didn't grant them any better decision making skills than they had when they were alive." She chuckled to herself as her gaze wandered back to Wrenspring, thinking of Beechface's earlier statement. "As far as your clanmate here... Unfortunately there are sometimes things even the most skilled and experienced medicine cat can't stop. I can take a look, if you'd like... But some things are just meant to be, even if it's not fair."

Beechface listened as Mossbloom spoke, ears flicking back slightly as her words echoed something the retired medicine cat had said to her previously. Difference was, back then Beechface could have almost believed it. Now Mossbloom's words felt hollow, like the words of a cat that had been abused and conditioned to believe what they'd been told. Beechface would've thought that Mosspelt of all cats would have understood more. Maybe she did and only said what she did out of fear. Starclan had nearly killed Beechface, and now Mossbloom was staring the consequences of that vicious, twisted power in the face.

"They pick and choose when to interfere with no rhyme or reason." Beechface muttered sourly, "They do care... About adding to their own ranks." She was losing faith that Wrenspring or Foxfire would make it out of this alive, and they'd taken so many innocent cats recently... Featherkit, Copperfox, Blossomstep, Maplepaw, Cloudmane... Mountainheart was gone, just as quickly as they'd gotten her back. Her mind flashed to her recent run-in with Dawnhawk. He'd spared her, for some reason she couldn't fathom. They'd had a mostly civil conversation, and they'd agreed on one thing. "I... can see why Dawnhawk hates them. I'm starting to agree with him, and once I would rather have cut off my own paw rather than agree with a thing that foxheart said. They're hardly worthy of respect, let alone worshipping... Traveling to the moonstone only serves to leave the clan without its medicine cats for two days each time. And for what? To have dreams that can't even be counted as proper sleep? When they can do that just as easily from our nests, without putting cats in danger? They're the first to tell us to have faith, and the first to do nothing to help when it's actually needed. They're the first to judge for 'crimes' that hurt nothing but the flimsy nature of the Code. They can't even be consistent in that much." Her lip curled, bitterness dripping from every word she spoke. "I've only ever received real guidance from the living, Mossbloom. The stars have shown me nothing but lies and empty platitudes." And judgement, so much hypocritical judgement. Beechface closed her eye, trying to swallow back her frustration. "Our time is better spent focusing on the living. We'd all be better off if the dead stayed dead and gone."

Mossbloom's next words had Beechface's claws digging into the ground, her tail flicking in agitation. "I've tried everything I can think of, nothing seems to be helping him." Her tone was a mix of frustration, worry and grief. She didn't want to lose Wrenspring too, not after everything. "I'm sick of watching the cats I care about die, Mossbloom."

Mossbloom listened silently as Beechface spoke passionately, only flinching once the medicine cat said that the dead should stay dead and gone. Her heart ached for what Beechface had gone through, but... As Mossbloom had recognized her time walking among the living was drawing to an end, she had been looking forward to conversing with her beloved family and friends that had passed before her, and continuing to offer her wisdom and guidance through the moons to come to new medicine cats and apprentices. She frowned slightly at the idea of having no form of communication, although she could certainly see why Beechface felt the way that she did. "I'm sorry, Beechface, truly I am. I wish there was something more I could do to help you. You have a lot of excellent points, and I understand where you built them from..." She trailed off with a sigh, not entirely sure of what to say next. Beechface responded about Wrenspring, and once again Mossbloom's heart sank at the grief and worry in her voice. "I know. It's one of the hardest things any cat could go through, I've lost... Well, all of my family. My parents turned their backs on me when I was a kit, the two cats that adopted me are both dead and gone - Flintfang, the betrayed for fanciful ideals painted for him by a traitor in his own right, killed by Beartooth after a misunderstanding at Fallen Oak of all places, with me unable to stop the bleeding that resulted in his final breath. My mother, Falconwing, killed by a fox while protecting me, she took her last breath only moments after it did, and once again I was unable to save her. So many lives lost, slipped through my claws like water in a stream, despite my prayers and pleading and begging. It was under my care that Leopardstar lost life after life, until he was forced to step down as leader for Oakstar to rise, only for him to perish not long after Nettlestar became ThunderClan's leader. It's the unfortunate, terrible, horrible side of life, and of love. Nothing can stop it, and sometimes nothing can help prevent it any longer. The best advice I can give you is to spend as much time with him as you can, while you have it. His mate and kits, too. Don't deny you all the chance to spend what time he has left because of his condition."

Beechface huffed, claws scraping softly against the den floor as she listened to Mossbloom talk. She was just... So frustrated. She didn't know what to do.

"Thanks, Mossbloom... I... know there's no real fix to any of this, is there?" A weary huff escaped her. Her friend continued to speak, and a flicker of surprised crossed Beechface's features at the depth of the information she revealed. "I'm sorry, Mossbloom, I..." Well, what could she say to any of that? It had been history before Beechface was born, that much she could guess from Mossbloom's tone. But she doubted that time had made any of that less difficult for her to bare.

Hah... Spend time with Wrenspring and his mate and kits... Beechface closed her eye and took a breath, trying to steady her ragged heartbeat. "Wrenspring... It felt like he was the only clanmate that was ever truly there for me. After Sagelight and while Asylum was here and..." Tears blurred her vision, whatever else she was going to say lost in a sob. "Foxdung, Mossbloom I..."

Mossbloom's face fell as she shook her head in response to Beechface's question. She had a feeling it was rhetorical, but felt she needed to address it anyways. "Unfortunately, I don't think so. Sometimes there isn't, and it's miserable and hard and makes you want to give up. Of course, if you do, that's completely fine. It's okay to give up when you've had enough... But in my experience, it's much more satisfying to keep persevering through it all and emerge on the other side. You may be battered and bruised, and heartbroken, but there is something about being able to look those that doubted you, or didn't offer a helping paw along the way after and being able to say that you did it despite it all. That goes for StarClan, too." She mewed, the corner of her mouth curling up in a quick grin as she moved to sit next to Beechface, taking care to approach on her good side. She pressed lightly against her shoulder as the she-cat's words broke off into a sob. "I'm sorry, Beechface. I wish I could help more. You don't have to explain anything to me... I'm here for you. I always will be, even after my paws no longer walk the forest floor."

Beechface closed her eyes as Mossbloom spoke. Giving up would be so easy... But Mossbloom had a point. And something someone had said to her once stood out in her mind at Mossbloom's reminder. Beechface, by nature, was difficult. She didn't make things easy, ever. It had been meant as an insult, of course, but it was true. That was who she was, she could admit that much.

Why, then, should this be any different? "I... Needed to hear that, I think." She mewed, eye lifting to meet Mossbloom's gaze. Yet part of her wasn't quite convinced. Doubt made her head spin.

Mossbloom pressed against her, and Beechface's shoulders sagged. She didn't have to explain... Not to Mossbloom, that was true. But she'd have to tell the kits, eventually. This had all gone on for far, far too long already.

"Birdsong and Shadewing-" Once she'd opened her mouth, she couldn't seem to stop. "-they're my daughters. Ravenclaw volunteered to raise them. She did a better job than I ever could but I never should have-" Her gaze dropped to her paws. She was afraid now, afraid of meeting Mossbloom's eyes. Afraid of what her mentor and friend would think. "I know we have to tell them eventually, the lie should've never been perpetuated in the first place." Her fur had fluffed up sometime while she was speaking, and she couldn't seem to make it lay flat.

The two she-cat's sat together quietly for a moment before Beechface's shoulders sagged, and Mossbloom perked her ears as she began to speak. The elder found that she wasn't particularly shocked, it was unexpected yes, but the similarities between Birdsong and Beechface had been very noticeable. The tale of Beechface being the warrior's aunt had played well in their favor, but Mossbloom found herself no too taken aback by the information. She blinked slowly, smiling to herself a bit. "Well, that certainly wasn't what I was expecting... But I'm not terribly surprised. Things make more sense now. If you're telling me, I can only guess you've made your peace with it to Sagelight already, is that correct?" She asked, looking over at the she-cat before continuing. "Perhaps not, but the choices made in the past are there, we can't change them. What we can shape is what happens going forward. Do what you feel you must, what you are called to do. Wrenspring... Unfortunately, I don't think Wrenspring has very long, and it may be best for you to face your kits together. Given that he is truly the father as well, or if that too was a piece of the web you wove." She offered. She wasn't terribly disappointed, she too had felt the longing of love over the moons, but things happened. If this came to be, it was for a reason - of that she was certain.

"Yeah. He visited my dreams just after Asylum was driven out. Birdsong was still an apprentice." How long ago that seemed, now. "He was disappointed." Somehow his disappointment had stung worse than any frustration they may have had with each other when he'd been alive. That Mossbloom wasn't surprised... Beechface stared at her. "Stars... I suppose it is obvious, isn't it?" She sighed. In a way, it was a relief to finally tell someone.

"We'll tell them, I think it's gone on long enough and they deserve to know the truth." She didn't want to say that Mossbloom was right. Doing so would make the situation seem real in a way that only giving voice to something could. Her gaze settled on Wrenspring's form again, silently pleading with the stars to give him more time. "Wrenspring's their father, yes." Something in Mosssbloom's tone had made her defensive, fur bristling slightly at the idea that she'd lie about the kits' father too. Or was her reputation now so tarnished by the previous lies that it didn't matter if she would or not?