The Innocent and The Unforgiven [C]

Dawnpaw watched in fascination (she did a lot of that) as her uncle showed her the teeth. Ooh. They did look like cat teeth. Leaning in closer to sniff it, she missed his next comment and only heard that they were headed back. Into the dark. She almost wished another amgy fur snake would pop out at them, just so they didn’t have to head back into the tunnels. No amgy fur snake popped out, and so Dawnpaw followed Hawkuncle back in with bristling fur and a murmured “Okay...”

Walking by the light of the moon was much, much better than the complete darkness of the tunnels. But even her relief at being able to see again couldn’t keep her paws from dragging. They’d gotten up early and stayed up late, and the paw the amgy fur snake had grabbed was throbbing a bit. “Oooh Fourtrees! Isn’t there a whatdoyoucallit- Gathering tonight? Or is that the medicine cat meeting?” She stretched and laid on, putting her head on her paws and taking the time to think about Hawkuncle’s words. “Hmmm… how do I know I’m awake and everything isn’t just a dream?” She had wondered as a kit how she knew life wasn’t some great continuous dream. If it was, though, she was prepared to enjoy it. She would like to know, though.

Of all the questions she could have asked... it actually made Klaus smile a little bit. "Do you feel the ache in your paw? You don't feel pain in dreams. If you're ever in doubt, pinch your leg with your teeth. If it hurts, then you're in the real world." He then looked from Fourtrees to her. "Is that why you've been so calm this whole time? Have you convinced yourself that everything leading up to this point is a dream?" Maybe that sounded more threatening than he meant it to be. His eyes went back to Fourtrees. Her time with him could have been far more traumatizing, but even Klaus knew when violence was appropriate and when it wasn't. She had been nothing but obedient, so injury was never necessary. On some level he even liked his niece.

"I will take you to the gathering when it starts," He confirmed. "Then you can go home with your clan."

“But, Hawkuncle, how do I know that I feel pain? That this isn’t some fabrication of my mind or illusion. Maybe this isn’t true pain, just a shadow of a dream. Hmm? Why wouldn’t I be calm? Except when the amgy fur snake attacked me. That was mean. I hope they didn’t use to be cats. They would be mean cats.” Dawnpaw mused for a bit, lying on her back and staring up at the glittering stars. Hawkuncle’s next words made her pause. “I’m going back? You aren’t coming with me?” She rolled over and looked up at him with wide, concerned eyes the same shade as his own.

“Please come back with me!” She pleaded. If Hawkuncle didn’t come she might never see him again! And her story, her thread would go out of his spider web and be never seen again! That would be a catastrophe! And his thread wouldn’t be in her web. “What if I never see you again?”

Klaus stared at her as she continued to ask questions that had no real answers. He wouldn't even try to answer them, and when she was older she would know why he never answered. Her attachment to him was both a surprise and not a surprise. He knew she'd gotten attached, but this much? He had been civil to her, sure, but he didn't believe he'd been overly nice. It wasn't like he'd done that much for her beyond keeping her alive. Maybe that was enough for some cats as young as she was. It didn't matter anymore though... because now it was time for her to go.

"Dawnpaw... I kidnapped you. I killed Cloudmane and that other apprentice. I nearly killed Foxfire and Wrenspring. I used you as a shield so I could get away, and if Blossomstep would have chased after me I would have killed you too." Maybe. A voice inside his head said. He didn't know what he would have done if it came down to it. He couldn't ignore the fact that there was a part of him that had been relieved that he hadn't had to make that decision.

"Are you really going to pretend that you don't remember any of this?" Or maybe she didn't? He'd knocked her head against a tree before leaving Skyclan territory...

"I can't go back with you because they'll kill me. They'll kill me because I am a killer. I've killed a lot of cats, little one, and I will probably kill more before my life finally ends. I'm not good. That's why everyone flinches when they hear your name being called. It's because I was the first Dawn and your mother cursed you with that name, whether she believes it or not."

His words were harsh now, because it would be easier to send her on her way once the bond was severed. He'd enjoyed the little apprentice's company, but she wasn't safe with him. He couldn't constantly protect her as well as keep himself safe.

"I suggest you get at least a few hours of sleep. Forutrees is still fairly far from here."

Tears began to shine in Dawnpaw’s eyes as Hawkuncle spoke, surprisingly harshly but with feeling. She believed in him. She believed in him. She didn’t care that he said he’d killed. No cat seemed to understand what she felt- that if she died she’d head to StarClan. The absolute certainty. StarClan was paradise, by all accounts- why did cats put so much weight on being sent to StarClan? You could die by a monster or by another cat’s claws, and the second would be quicker and less difficult. They worshiped StarClan, and yet they forbade each other to send a cat there. It was one giant paradox, something that made less sense than the sun knowing when and where to rise.

“But I don’t understand!” There were tears in her eyes now, but they were induced by his tone of voice, not his words. “How can everyone love StarClan so much but hate being sent there? Another cat’s claws is faster and less painful than fire…I don’t get it. Aren’t you helping them by sending them to StarClan? What most cats want most is power. Power and ease, and you can get both effortlessly in StarClan…” Dawnpaw couldn’t piece this one out. “And Moma didn’t curse me… she said I would be the warrior you could’ve been… but… I don’t think I can.” Dawnpaw set her head on her paws. She couldn’t be the warrior Dawnhawk could’ve been. He was brimming with potential, even now, although the moons had stripped most of it away. She? No potential. She was a dreamy cat who didn’t understand what made perfect sense to others. Maybe Hawkuncle could explain.

Klaus's fur bristled. He opened his mouth to answer... but no words came out. Her question was an interesting one and it actually took him a moment to figure out how to answer it. What he was most frustrated about was that he wasn't actually scaring her away from him... Anyone else he could admit to killing his own family without remorse and they'd revile him forever. It had always been that easy. Again he attributed it to her being young and naive.

"Maybe you should ask them that. If you can convince them to not kill me, maybe I'll come back. Maybe I'd even try to be good again and everyone will forget this whole mess." Heavy sarcasm, but whether or not she would understand he didn't know. Let her do the questioning and confuse and frustrate them.

"And for the record, I don't want to end up in Starclan. I sent a lot of cats there and they would only welcome me in to torment me further and tell me what a horrible creature I am and constantly remind me that I don't belong there. It's all Skyclan ever did for me. Even as a kit older warriors didn't like me, all because I was a brat or something, I don't know. I've stopped caring about it. I am what I am and I am done trying to be something I'm not." His tail lashed. Why was he even having this conversation with a child?

Probably because on some level he recognized that she was asking the bigger questions that even he, as an adult, hadn't thought about. "The Warrior Dawnhawk Could Have Been. What a cruel burden to place on a kit, especially with how Skyclan is. I don't even live there anymore and they still mock and jeer me. Your mother is a fox-hearted snake for naming you that. I have done nothing to Primroselight! Nothing! I made sure she wouldn't get hurt in the trees because she was blind and this is what I get! It's not fair to me or to you."

His claws had come unsheathed now and his tail whipped back and forth in fury.

"They do foxing things like this and wonder why I want to kill them all!" He curled into a tight "C" shape with a huff, his tail still lashing violently. He was all riled up... who knew if he was going to be able to sleep now or not. He was going to lay there for awhile and he doubted Dawnpaw was about to go to sleep now either. Maybe they ought to just finish the journey after a short rest... or until Klaus had had enough of this conversation.

Dawnpaw opened her jaws to reply, but… no one called Prima a snake. Even though Hawkuncle was clearly feeling sad and angry, no one called Prima a snake. Dawnpaw resorted to the only weapon she had- silence. Stony, unfeeling silence like ice had covered her fur and her heart. Silence as complete as the empty blackness between the stars. Silence that had never been cleared away, not from the beginning of infinity. Complete, utter silence.

Ten seconds later she’d forgotten about being silent. Dawnpaw rolled onto her back and gazed up at the stars, wondering if she could walk on the moon. She didn’t want to leave Hawkuncle, not when both of them had said things they shouldn’t! Or, the lack of saying things they should. He hadn’t answered her question. Maybe he didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to think about it. But she really, really didn’t want to leave when their relationship was so strained. Maybe this place brought back bad memories. But did he know the answer to her question? Dawnpaw’s thoughts went on like this, slowing down until she toed the line between sleep and waking. She’d talk to Hawkuncle before she went, and she’d apologize. She hadn’t said things she should have… the line between sleep and waking blurred as her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, her eyes locked on the stars.

Finally, Dawnpaw had gone quiet. Concerned for just a moment, Klaus actually lifted his head from the ground and turned his head to look at her. Oh she was mad. He supposed that was a good thing, seeing as this was probably the last time they would see each other on even remotely good terms. He went back to his resting position with a sigh and closed his eyes. He trusted his internal clock to wake him as the gathering started. Once he calmed down from his own anger, he felt himself drifting off.

Dreams were fleeting and violent. One thought never seemed to finish before another started, but that always made sense in dreams. There was blood rain that threatened to drown him. An odd dream where he and Primroselight came to an understanding... right before she pushed him off of a tree branch to fall to his death. Ashstorm was ten times her regular size and drowned him in the river, holding him down forcefully. Ivystar pulled him out and brought him back to life somehow then revealed to him that she had lead the Asylum all along and that he still owed her.

By then Klaus's eyes fluttered open. He had straightened out in his sleep at some point, as he was no longer all curled up. He looked at the position of the moon... and indeed it was time to go. He got to his sore, aching paws with a grunt.

"Alright Dawnpaw... get up it's time to go." His tone was much calmer. Maybe he had been short tempered due to his need for rest. He definitely felt a bit better. "We should get there before they finish their announcements but we still better keep a steady pace. Let's go." He began to walk in the direction of Fourtrees. Hopefully he wouldn't be noticed by any unwanted company on the way there.

Dawnpaw’s dreams had been lucid, as always, and she had had a lot of fun in this one. Hawkuncle’s voice woke her slowly, first penetrating into her dream then into her waking as she slowly stirred with a yawn. “Okay!” She rose to her paws, giving her fur a quick lick. “Promise you’ll come visit me? Please? I can try to patrol in a place or something!” She looked up at him pleadingly as they walked. “I want to make sure I can see you again!”

What he’d said last night came into mind and she frowned. She didn’t want to leave with bad memories hanging over her head like a murder of crows circling. “And… you didn’t mean to call Prima a snake… right? Or… you meant it in a good way! Snakes can be kinda pretty… I guess…” She had to leave on a good note. Or else this would become a Problem. One that could cause Trouble. And she didn’t want that!

Klaus's eyes stayed on the ground, only occasionally looking up to see how close he was getting to Fourtrees. "I'll visit you if I can. Patrol passed Skyclan territory just up to the river. If I'm around I will meet you there." It was the best answer he could give her, though he was unlikely to come by often. He still didn't understand why she decided that she liked him. He'd held nothing back, just brutal honesty. Yet she cared. He supposed it was only a matter of time before Skyclan crushed those feelings right out of her. And at this point he was used to it.

"I was tired, cranky and I hadn't eaten much. I like Primroselight, even if she no longer cares for me. So I'm sorry at snapped at you." That was the best she was getting out of him. He needed this to be over.

Once they were within a reasonable Windclan sprinting distance of Fourtrees, he halted and looked at her.

"This is as far as I'm going. I'll watch and make sure you get to the clearing safely, but I won't follow any further. Good luck Dawnpaw." He only met her with a neutral gaze and waited. The scent of every clan cat hung heavy in the air and the murmurings of the clans all gathered could faintly be heard. It sounded to him like someone had just finished an announcement, but he was too far to tell exactly who.

Dawnpaw nodded enthusiastically. She’d be there, if she reasonably could. It shouldn’t be too hard, although for the first moon she supposed she’d better learn SkyClan territory first. It would be weird, not knowing her own territory, but she’d learn. She was really good at climbing, and that was a SkyClan thingy. “I’ll be there!” She promised eagerly. Oh, good. He was apologizing about Prima. See, Hawkuncle was nice!

As they walked on the sounds of cats far off slowly came to Dawnpaw’s ears. “Oh- okay. So I just… okay. I’ll miss you Hawkuncle! I hope I see you soon!” Dawnpaw waved her tail happily and trotted towards Fourtrees. The full moon illuminated the sky. She couldn’t wait to see Prima, Smokema, Stag, her mentor, and she also had lots of things she wanted to do! Talk to Beechaunt, talk with Ashstorm, show Prima how good she was at hunting, lots of stuff! She couldn’t wait to be back home.