In Need of Answers (Spark)

Shira gestured for Spark to come with her, but did not say a thing.  The kits were sleeping and even though she knew that she probably should stay with them, she needed to talk to Spark and the kits did not need to hear it.  Either way, she would be just outside and listening in case her kits needed something.  The dark grey and white she-cat stopped outside of the nursery.  It was no secret that there was some anger that she held towards Spark (because she was hurt) after the day he asked her to leave.  She needed to know why.  Maybe... maybe that could make it better somehow.  If a Riverclan cat threatened him or something than she could understand, but why wouldn't he have come and told her about that?

And it made it worse knowing that he was not just threatening to leave her, but also to leave their kits without knowing their father... just like how none of the missing kits had known who their parents were.

"Spark," she started, then took a deep breath in.  "Why?  Why did you threaten to leave me and our kits when you said you would go to Shadowclan without me?"  Her tone had anger in it, but also sadness, semi showing that she was truly hurt, not angry. He broke his promise and part of her wanted him to feel the pain that she did, but the other part of her knew well from memory that she could never forgive herself if she hurt him at all.

Spark saw Shira beckon him to a spot in front of the nursery. She probably wanted to talk about his threat to leave her a couple days ago. That was the most logical reason to signal him to come here so quietly, since if the kits were in any danger she would have shouted to tell him it. Nodding to the she-cat, the ginger tom sat in front of the nursery, waiting for the question to come out of Shira's mouth.

Sure enough, the words that Spark expected came out of Shira's mouth. Now he needed to tell her. Everything. "I didn't want to leave you," the ginger tom said, "but by then I knew that I couldn't stay in RiverClan any longer. It didn't feel like home for me, and..." Spark trailed off, realizing that he hadn't told Shira about why he approached her just a few days ago. "I was vague about the main reasons why I had left. I'll tell you them right now."

"First of all, the moment we stepped into RiverClan, I didn't feel welcome. And while we stayed there, the cats there gave me weird looks. Now, that wasn't the reason I asked to leave," the tom said quickly. "But that was the starting point of the tension. When the Gathering came and went, I realized that I felt more connected to the other missing kits than the other RiverClan cats."

"This led me to think that RiverClan wasn't a place where I wanted to stay for the future. I would have told you, but I worried how you'd take it, so I didn't tell you. But now I realize that it was a mouse-brained decision to do that back then. I should have told you that I was thinking of leaving RiverClan back then." The ginger tom sighed. "To confirm my suspicions, I approached one of RiverClan's warriors and asked them how they felt about me. They didn't respond kindly, and that was what pushed me to my breaking point." RiverClan didn't like him, and he didn't like them back. Really, him choosing to give this ultimatum to Shira was better than him attacking a RiverClan warrior in the future and getting exiled for it. But there had to have been a better choice, right? He couldn't think of one, but that didn't mean that it didn't exist.

"I'm sorry."

Shira listened carefully to everything Spark said, desperately trying to find something that made her feel better.  That made this okay in her mind.  But all she thought of was different ways he could have gone about it.  When he brought up how he felt more connected to the missing kits than the Riverclan cats, she briefly wondered if those Riverclan cats included her.  She wanted to just respond saying 'it's fine' but it was not and if they ever would have a great relationship again, they needed to talk through this.

"I'm sorry you felt that way,"  she said through some anger.  "but you should have told me before you forced me to choose you or my real home.  I could have talked to my mother.  I'm not sure what she would do but she's the leader, she could have talked to them or something."

She took a deep breath.  "What were you going to do if I said no?  Would you just have left me, Firekit, Rainkit, Deepkit, and Webkit all behind without a second thought as you went to Shadowclan?  Would you care?"  Her anger was boiling up and she barely was able to control the things spilling from her mouth.  "Do you know what the worst part is?  I would never, ever choose a clan over you, because I love you Spark!"  She paused, breathing deeply, not knowing what to say next.  She did not mean to say that... even though she did mean it.  Well, she got this far, she might as well finish it.  "And I thought that you felt the same."  She finished with more of a sad than angry tone. The real reason she was angry in the first place came out and she felt like leaving, but she needed to stay near the kits, so she stayed there completely silent and waited for him to respond.

With every word that came at him, it hurt more and more. Everything that Shira said was the truth, and Spark couldn't dare think of something good to say. It was all his fault. Everything was his fault. There was nothing he could do about this. It was a horrid feeling, the thought of leaving Shira and the four kits. And he was their father, which made matters even worse. What would they have done if he had left them in RiverClan? The guilt of it was piling up on him, crushing the tom under its weight.

"And I thought you felt the same."

The ginger tabby broke once again, this time shouting at Shira. "I know what I did was wrong! You don't have to keep on reminding me!" Realizing what he did, he stepped back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like that," he said hastily, looking back down at his paws. Everything that Shira said was right. He should have talked to Ivystar about it, and maybe she would have dealt with it properly. He should have talked with somebody about it. Why didn't he tell Ivystar about it? "I don't deserve someone like you," he finished. Everything was falling apart - again. But this time, Spark thought that it would break the relationship in half.

Shira's took a step back, eyes narrowing and ears flattening, when Spark first yelled at her.  She did not mean to make whatever this would be called happen.  She did not like arguing with Spark, but she did not want him to feel like everything that happened was okay when it clearly was not.  The confrontational part of her was about to snap back... and then he apologized.  She took a second and heard everything he said.  You're saying that you don't deserve someone like me?  Well, if you're being honest than it's weird that I feel like I don't deserve you also.  She thought, too proud to say aloud.

"Oh no, you did."  She responded to the first thing he said when apologizing.  Her expression nearly unreadable as she spoke.  "Just as I did not really mean to say everything I said out loud.  I know that somewhere inside of you, you wanted to say that to me.  You wanted to stop hiding and speak your mind.  I would blame you for that, but I can't since I do the exact same thing."

She did not know how to respond to his other comment.  She felt the exact opposite way, but she did not want to sound like some of those other cheesy mates talked to one another.  She seemed calm on the outside, but was desperately trying to search for the right thing to say on the inside.  She did not want their relationship to fall apart like this.  She just had kits, they should both be celebrating and playing with those little cats instead of being there, fighting as if they had nothing better to do with their life.  Shira could fight and fight well for anything she believed in, but this issue, what was to be solved by it?  More anger, more pain, more sorrow, nothing good.

"Maybe... maybe neither of us deserves the other, but I don't think it was an accident that we were both missing kits and scouts.  I don't think it was just for any random reason why you and me were both by the Asylum camp that sunset when you first told me you liked me.  Now I will not just stop being angry at you for what you did for a while I think.  And I will not just stop thinking about how things could be different.  But, I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship going, especially now that we have kits.  Now, answer me honestly, are you?"  And just like that Shira started to show some of her personality that was like those cheesy, kind, sensible cats that she pretended to hate so much.

Spark prepared for the worst when he shouted at her. He didn't want to The words that came out of her mouth made sense as he listened to them further, and she seemed to be offering him a second chance. Of course, that was what he wanted. But at the same time, part of him didn't think that he could be forgiven this easily. He betrayed her trust, after all. But she seemed to be willing to offer him a second chance.

So maybe he could give himself a second chance, too.

The ginger tom nodded at Shira. "Yes, I am committed to staying in this relationship with you," he said. Maybe it was too extravagant for her liking, but it got the point across, so it was fine. And somehow, some way, his mistake ended up not breaking the relationship between Shira and him. But he'd never try to attempt something like that mistake ever again. "We're in this together."