Tornpaw's Moonstone Journey

Beechface stood outside the apprentice den, considering the two bundles of herbs she carried before her gaze flicked to the entrance of the den. One bundle was sweetened with honey and heather nectar, probably as good as they were going to get. The other bundle was her own. Poking her head inside the den, her gaze found Tornpaw's form in the darkness, white and gold fur standing out against the rest of the den's occupants.

"Tornpaw? Time to get up, we've got a long walk ahead of us if we're to reach the moonstone tonight." Once she was sure the apprentice had woken up, Beechface ducked back out of the den to wait.

"Eat these, I'm sorry about the taste. They'll keep you from getting hungry or tired during the journey." Beechface nudged the bundle of herbs towards Tornpaw when she stepped out of the den, before eating her own portion of the herbs. The bitter taste hardly bothered her anymore.

Once Tornpaw had eaten the herbs, Beechface turned to lead the way out of camp. It wasn't often that she had little idea of what to say to an apprentice on these trips, but today seemed to be one of those days. She'd been part of the patrol that had brought Smokefeather back to camp, and now Copperfox, her mentor, was dead. The loss of a mentor was something she was unfortunately familiar with.

"I- I'm sorry about Copperfox." The quiet words slipped from her, unbidden. "Losing a mentor is... difficult." And Tornpaw had already lost enough. "If you want to talk, I can listen, at least."

Tornpaw pushed herself out of her nest with a slight groan. Every since Copperfox died.. Nothing has been the same. Skyclan has been a little bit worse to deal with. It was becoming harder that was for sure.. And now? They were hunting down Dawnhawk, and she couldn't stand it. She wanted to put a stop to it, the tom didn't deserve it. Not in her mind. They kicked him out, they sentenced him to death, and now they want to kill him for wanting revenge on those who wronged him? She didn't get it.. She didn't like it, but she wasn't going to ever voice it out loud. Not to anyone in Skyclan.

The white and gold cat emerged from the den, eating the herbs as she was instructed, not really commenting on the taste. If the bitterness had effected her she wasn't going to let it show, and followed Beechface out of camp.

"There isn't much to talk about." She said, her voice flat. All of this.. Skyclan it was too much. "One of the few good things about Skyclan for me is now gone, and that is all there is to it." The good in Skyclan was getting smaller and smaller every day, and running away was a reoccurring thought in her mind ever since her mentor's death.

"I wish I had an answer for how it happened. At least he went peacefully." Beechface sighed, unsure of what else to say. Tornpaw was hurting, clearly, and that she'd view Copperfox as one of the few good things about the clan wasn't surprising. "I lost my own mentor and well... I took to blaming everyone for it. My parents included, because they had been on the patrol with him when those foxes attacked. I remember feeling like none of the clan cared at all."

Beechface continued to lead the apprentice towards highstones, and fell silent for a bit, unsure of what to say.

Tornpaw let out a small huff. The clan is to blame for a lot of her issues. They drove away her father, they blamed her for his crimes, they treated her like a monster. "We know the clan doesn't care about me. You and Birdsong are the only two now that Copperfox is gone." Her own mother and brother had been distant too. She honestly didn't really know what was happening with those two.. She just wanted Dawnhawk back. She didn't want to have to deal with all of this anymore.

One question sat in her mind the most. Did Skyclan even respect her?

"I felt the same way, once. I thought that nobody cared and that everyone thought I was a waste of a medicine cat." Maybe she still was a waste of a medicine cat, with how everything happened. "You have people here who care about you, Tornpaw. You aren't your father. His actions were his own." Stars... How could she explain Smokefeather's panic and Bloodstrike wanting to hunt Dawnhawk down? That didn't reflect on who Tornpaw was. She pondered on it, leading Tornpaw through unfamiliar (for her) territory for a while in silence before she spoke again.

"Normally I don't put much stock in what Starclan might say but... I think they might be able to provide more wisdom than I can, on this. I know things haven't been easy, especially with our own family members. Your grandmother isn't the same cat she was before, and Dawnhawk... played a large part in that. Her reactions to him... didn't help things between them, and it only ever escalated. None of that had anything to do with you, and she shouldn't treat you as she does because of it." Deep down, Beechface thought her mother might have felt guilty for it, but she was too afraid of the answer if she were to actually ask. Beechface didn't want to think of her own mother as a monster, any more than Tornapw wanted to think of her father as one. She knew the retired warrior felt guilty for Featherkit, but did she see the harm she was causing her own granddaughter? Beechface thought she did but it was hard to really tell.

Tornpaw shook her head. "While the rest of you might despise his actions, at least he acted out his care for me. No one else seems to despite you claiming they do. They really don't try to prove it at all, leaving me behind, avoiding my gaze. So how can I believe they care?" She didn't agree at all. No one had stepped up to show that she was apart of Skyclan. To her, she felt like she was only apart of the clan in name only, nothing else. Just another rank for their numbers.

"My grandmother isn't even my grandmother. She was scared of me when I tried to help. She treats me like a monster. Bloodstrike acts like I don't exist, pretty sure Wolfstar doesn't even know I exist. Copperfox is gone, Ravenclaw just spits out how much she wants Dawnhawk dead all the time, not even caring if I'm right there." She clenched her teeth to keep from saying more, to keep from spitting out bad words that would probably put this journey to an end and have her being taken right back to Skyclan camp. "Stars and thorns.. Asylum treated me better than this even if it was fake."

Beechface was silent as Tornpaw spoke. It was a good thing that she was talking, she just wished that the apprentice hadn't been put in this situation. She turned her head as Tornpaw mentioned Ravenclaw, hiding her expression. Beechface voiced her dislike of Dawnhawk more than the black she-cat did, but she'd forced herself to not do that in front of Tornpaw or Dawnhawk's kits. His actions weren't their responsibility. Listening to Tornpaw speak, Beechface wondered how much she knew about Smokefeather and Dawnhawk, beyond that Smokefeather avoided her and that Dawnhawk had cared for his kits.

"You aren't the only one who doesn't know what goes on in Wolfstar's head. Dad is hardly sane after what's been done to him. He was never one to show emotion, and now... He's not the same cat he was. None of us are, Tornpaw. I don't know how much you know about what things were like, you and the other kits were... Sheltered from the worst of it. Or the clan tried, at least. You... won't like learning this, I'm sure. Stars know none of us liked living it. I'm not going to try and change how you feel, because you have the right to feel how you do about the clan. But I think you deserve to know more of what has led up to things being like this, and I realize that I wasn't the most... tactful... with what happened after the Asylum was driven off." They had reached the thunderpath after crossing through Windclan's territory, and Beechface would not start up until she had gotten Tornpaw safely across it.

"Be careful, Tornpaw. You can hear the monsters coming, and we don't cross this until it's clear." The sun was low in the sky now, and the monsters weren't as frequent during this time of day. When they made the return journey in the morning, there would be more of them.

Thankfully they crossed without incident (though Beechface's heart would always pound as they crossed the acrid gray stone that the monsters ran on) and Beechface turned her head to catch sight of Tornpaw.

"You weren't born at the time, but watching him be clawed to shreds and then dragged out of camp was... rough. Smokefeather gave birth to his kits a moon later on the day that Dawnhawk was named deputy. Had things been different I think she would have supported him. As they were... Even I don't know what happened to make her snap at Dawnhawk like she did, and the things both of them said were... appalling. All I know is that he snapped in turn and Featherkit paid the price. Still, when Honeycomb was pregnant, Smokefeather tried to help. She helped raise Honeycomb when Redfall brought his kits to the clan, and Smokefeather treated her like a daughter. Neither of us knew Dawnhawk was your father until he showed up in the nursery when Honeycomb panicked because of how quiet you and your siblings were. She thought you were dead, and Dawnhawk didn't react well." Beechface shook her head with a huff. Whether Dawnhawk had thought Beechface would harm the kits on purpose or had simply been caught up by grief for what he thought he'd lost, Beechface wasn't sure. "In the end, you and Waspkit mewling broke through his anger. Smokefeather has avoided you since, and I don't think Dawnhawk wanted her near you at all. Or me, for that matter."

"Neither of them were in the right. They've both acted before thinking and taken out their problems on innocent bystanders; Dawnhawk with Featherkit and Smokefeather, and her with you. I won't ask you to interact with anyone you're uncomfortable interacting with, but you can't ask that of them, either. I know it's unfair, and I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, Tornpaw, and I'm trying to explain things as best I can without being as biased as our clanmates are. You deserve to know why things are the way they are currently, at the very least."

It wouldn't be long until they reached mothermouth, though Beechface was content to slow their pace a bit on the rocky slope leading up to it. They had made better timing than usual, though dusk would fall soon enough.

((OOC: gosh Tara and I need to actually rp how that entire thread went down and put it in metamusings, we would've rped it normally but people were busy and it never happened.))

Tornpaw shook her head. If they both had bad parts to play in all of this, why wasn't Smokefeather in exile with him? Why was she all cozy up in the elder's den while Dawnhawk had to struggle to get by? How was any of that fair? The gold and white apprentice let out a low growl. "I'm not asking for her to like me! I'm not asking for her to talk with me! I'm asking for her, for all of them to stop staring at me like I'm some kind of monster! I would much rather them to act like I don't exist instead of making me want to run away from my own home!" There she finally said it. Said it to someone other than Dawnhawk.

"How am I supposed to want to protect any of them if they won't do the same in return? How am I supposed to give my life for them when I know they will rejoice when I'm dead? Am I supposed to do it just because some code says too? Stars and thorns I'm tired of all of this." Oh how she wished on that day Dawnhawk took her with him.

"Skyclan is supposed to be home.. but it doesn't feel like it. Everyone gets to wander around and come back to the camp knowing its home, its where they belong, but I don't. I don't know if it's home. I don't even know if I belong here. I know others don't want me here." She closed her maw. Not wanting to say anymore. The apprentice had already said too much. Now she just needed to keep her mouth shut, and just get the journey done. The sooner she did, the sooner she could curl up in her nest and ignore it all.

"I wish I knew what to tell you, Tornpaw. I don't have answers or even a solution for this. Our clan's a mess, and it's been that way for a while." Beechface honestly didn't see a way of fixing it. Maybe Starclan would do their job for once and give the apprentice something more useful than they had ever given her. Knowing them, the mere mortals were only getting laughed at. Beechface fell silent, unsure of what else to say as she led Tornpaw the rest of the way to the mothermouth. The sound of crickets made her ears flick, the sun's last rays fading from view.

"Alright, we're here. Stick close to me and grab my tail if you need to, and use your whiskers. You won't be able to see at all in the tunnel until we reach the moonstone, and it's narrow and very tight at some spots." Probably not as tight for the apprentice as it was for Beechface, but a warning was always aa good idea. Some cats didn't like being in the tunnels, and Beechface could sympathize.

"When we get to the moonstone, press your nose to it and lay down." With that, Beechface led Tornpaw into the tunnels. When they reached the moonstone, she stepped aside to let the apprentice into the chamber, the bright glow from the stone illuminating the both of them.

Tornpaw remained silent after that. She didn't bother with saying anymore, she had already said enough, she was going to keep her mouth shut for now and hope when they got back to camp, nothing she had said would get out to any of the others. Or get her in trouble. If it did... then maybe it would finally be time to move away from Skyclan. Where? She wasn't sure.. The idea lingered in her mind, more in front of the dark voices in her head.

The gold and white apprentice followed the medicine cat into the dark tunnel, following her scent. Even if it got a little scary at certain points she refused to look to Beechface for more help than what was already provided. She would make it, it would be fine. She told herself repeatedly. Once they reached the chamber, the apprentice didn't really take time to take in the sight. She wanted this over with as soon as possible.

She stepped close to the stone, settling on the ground and pressing her nose to the cold surface.

As she woke up again, she wasn't in the moonstone chamber, but she wasn't exactly in what she assumed would be Starclan either. In front of her sat mist. She couldn't see past it, and as she moved forward nothing seemed to appear either. No matter how  much she moved forward nothing seemed to change. Her heart seeming to thud heavily in her chest as fear began to consume her. Were her ancestors ignoring her too? Did they not want to see her as well?

The apprentice stiffened as soon as she heard something crack behind her, like someone had stepped on a twig. Quickly she spun around but instead of being faced with an intruder, she was faced with two different stark territories. A clear divide between the two. On one side the night sky shown brightly above. The grass was a vibrant green. Everything seemed lively on the one side. While the other...

The other side had twisted thorns growing on bushes, and up the trees. The grass was dead and looked less alive than it did during leaf-bare. Nothing shown in the sky above, and the trees were absolutely bare. Nothing sat on them. Everything looked so twisted and tangled that it repulsed her a bit.

Was this Starclan and the dark forest? Were they asking her to make a choice? Of course she was going to choose Starclan, but as she moved forward towards the green starlit territory, nothing around her changed. The choice in front of her remained. They were presenting her with a choice and nothing more. No one to talk to her. No one to tell her what to do. Just a choice presented that couldn't even be answered at this current moment. It frustrated her to no end. The gold and white apprentice let out a growl and kicked at the ground below her.

She sat down with a thud, and let out a huff. She blinked but as soon as she opened her eyes again she was greeted with the darkening chamber of the moonstone. She forced herself upright, a small growl escaping her again. What a waste of time.