Rage {Blossomstep}

[Continued from "Heart of Darkness" Solo found here]

Bloodstrike's form shrank into the forest and Dawnhawk could only stare. He could hardly breathe. His limbs would not obey him. It wasn't until a moment after Bloodstrike had disappeared into the woodlands of Skyclan's territory that Dawnhawk was able to snap out of his confusion and shock. His father was using Tornpaw, Waspkit and Honeycomb against him... The pale tom leaned back on his haunches and stared at the ground. His vision blurred and his breaths were ragged and slow. You think you can just stop me from seeing my kits? His claws flexed into the dirt. Heat rose in his body and his legs shook. His jaw clenched and a deep growl rumbled in his throat. How dare you use my family against me... Dawnhawk's eyes traveled back to the forest where Bloodstrike had disappeared. His fur bristled and if he had any less control over himself, he would have charged after him and fought with him. He wanted so badly to storm Skyclan's territory and take his family back... his real family: His kits and Honeycomb. After that, that territory could burn again with everyone trapped inside for all he cared.

Dawnhawk was not Bloodstrike, however, and so instead of charging forward with no regard for whether he lived or died, he stayed put. Something needed to be done... would be done. But he needed to be alive to do it and charging into Skyclan territory was suicide. I promise that once I get my family out... I will use the rest of my life to hurt all of you. You will pay for this for as long as I live! All of you! Dawnhawk turned away from the territory border and stalked towards the river. He looked down onto the thin layer of ice that he knew would break if he fell through it. It had only been a week since Ashstorm had thrown him in and he was not eager to feel that brutal cold again. If those twolegs hadn't found him, he had no doubts that he would have died.

I'll think of something... I always do.

Blossomstep had been assigned to patrol the border, so that's what she was doing. The other members of her patrol had split off a little earlier, agreeing to each take portions of the border so they could continue on closer to Fourtrees, and she had agreed to take the far corner of the territory by the river. As she neared the edge of the border, a scent she hadn't been expecting caught her attention. Bloodstrike had been here recently.... For what? She had thought he was back at camp resting. He must have been hunting or something. Must not have had any luck, however, as there was no scent of blood accompanying his scent. Not all hunts were fruitful though, and she hoped that he would have better luck next time. As she set the first of the line of territory markers, another scent set her fur on end. It was hauntingly familiar, but surely it wasn't possible. As her eyes landed on the figure that was turned away from her, staring at the river, her tail lashed. So it was possible. There sat Dawnhawk, her grandson, her captor, the betrayer of the clan and murderer of Featherkit. Beechface's proof was enough to solidify her story against the tom, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to verify with Smokefeather personally yet. Wolfstar had ordered that the tom be killed on sight, but... He wasn't on SkyClan's territory, and her stomach churned horrifically at the idea of raising a claw to her kin, even after all he had done. That wasn't to say she forgave him for his crimes, but she couldn't imagine executing him herself. Perhaps it would be better to mark the territory line later, join up with the rest of the patrol again. She narrowed her eyes as the wind blew, and she knew instantly that it had carried her scent right to him. In that moment she realized that the scents of Dawnhawk and Bloodstrike mingled here, not together, but close, and she pieced together that they must have spoken. Had Bloodstrike known Dawnhawk was here? As she steeled herself for what may happen, she kept a careful gaze on her grandson, remaining silent for the time being.

He almost didn't even notice the scent on the wind. A deeper inhale told him Blossomstep was near. Dawnhawk's claws unsheathed, though a twinge of guilt struck him to his bones as well. He had thrown her in the prison at Fourtrees for no reason... she had been... more of a support system than Smokefeather had been. My mentor... He remembered, startled that he had even forgotten. A wave of memories came through his head, of their hunting and their fight with the raccoon. Even when he had been at his worst she was the only one that didn't say anything hurtful towards him. He sighed, loudly, before he called out.

"Blossomstep? Are you just going to hide or are you going to come say hi?" His tail tip twitched. Every time he dropped his guard he got hurt. Literally every time. Why would this time be any different? That said, he hadn't felt true aloneness ever in his life. To have come to his home only to be rejected and with no one else to turn to anywhere was a shock that he hadn't been prepared for.

Who knew the emptiness could feel as cold as it did?

A sigh reached her ears, and they flicked at the sound as she sat just on the SkyClan side of the border. "I'm not hiding, Dawnhawk." She mewed simply, curling her tail loosely around her as she watched his back. She blinked twice before sighing herself. The tom had changed so much... But then again, so had she. She struggled sometimes to see the tom for the grown cat he was. Her claws remained sheathed, but her ears were perked as she kept an eye on him. "Are you?" The question felt heavy leaving her mouth, and she wondered what the tom's response would be.

Dawnhawk's ear swiveled back toward Blossomstep before he finally turned around and once again plopped his rump to the floor. His eyes locked onto her's and for a few moments he said nothing. His tail curled around his paws and the tip of it flickered.

"No." A simple and fast answer. He'd let everything out onto Bloodstrike, and if Blossomstep didn't know anything by now, she would soon. Maybe she meant hiding the rage that was bubbling inside him at the moment... but he wasn't about to admit to her any of that. Admitting weakness wasn't something he'd ever do... not that he could think of a situation where that might be necessary.

"I'd come closer, but from what I have been told, I'm not allowed on Skyclan territory anymore." He shrugged as if it was no big deal, but that in itself was a lie. "I'll forever be remembered for the bad I have done and none of the good. I guess that's just how it goes." He scented the air out of habit to make sure no one else was coming. It didn't seem like it so far. "Since I can't come closer to you, you should come closer to me. You'd have your clan to help you if you got attacked by a predator because we're talking so loud. I wouldn't have anyone, so I'd prefer to be quieter."

Dawnhawk finally turned towards her, and Blossomstep looked at him for the first time in a long time. The betrayal had hurt, the turn against SkyClan, even if the intent was to help, had wounded her not only as a clanmate, but as a mentor and grandmother. Even if she had never admitted it aloud, the fact that she had taken it personally remained. The tom that stood before her was not the same one she had taken on as an apprentice. However, he was still her grandson. He claimed he wasn't hiding anything, but she wasn't certain how much of that she believed. Keeping her gaze level with his, she nodded. "I take it Bloodstrike told you. That is true, yes. Did he tell you what is supposed to happen should you be found in SkyClan territory as well?" She asked. She thought she knew the answer, but she wanted to be sure that Dawnhawk knew.

Blossomstep sighed again, her tail thumping once on the ground. "That isn't true. While yes, admittedly your recent actions have not been the best, and they are the ones that are the most fresh in our minds. Cats are angry, myself included, and while their anger has blinded some.... There are others who remember the good along with the bad. Not all of us forget so easily. I can forgive you many things, Dawnhawk, including even you having me thrown into that thorn prison at Fourtrees, but I am unable to forgive you for Featherkit." Her eyes never left the tom's, but her voice did waver slightly as she said Featherkit's name. "I don't know all that happened that day, but the end remains the same, Featherkit is dead and it was at your paws. What happened, Dawnhawk? Was there anything I could have done?" She watched as he scented the air before continuing. "If a predator were to come I would not abandon you to fight it alone, Dawnhawk. It would not be the first time we fought side by side."

Dawnhawk tried to keep his emotions off of his face as Blossomstep spoke to him. "Yes. I am to be held by the throat until my body stops thrashing. Bloodstrike made me aware." The thought angered him, even if he understood it. It was the rest of what Blossomstep began to say that managed to soothe some of his rage as well as confuse him. Then she mentioned Featherkit and a twinge of guilt ran through his body. His gaze dropped from her's just then, but only for a moment. "Neither can I..." He admitted, his body losing some of it's rigidness as he spoke the words.

"What happened, Dawnhawk? Was there anything I could have done?" His eyes stared into hers as he scrambled for whatever emotion he was supposed to feel at that question. He opened his mouth but no words came out at first. ...What?

"Blossomstep... you are the only one that has ever done... anything right for me. You were far more of a mother to me than Smokefeather, even if you weren't able to around as much." She had offered him nothing but encouragement and trust, whereas everyone else gave him nothing but scorn. His eyes dropped back to his paws as he debated what else to say. She'd help him fight a predator... he believed her. And you'll probably just hurt me too at some point... Though he felt guarded, he had no logical reason to believe that, so while the thought that in his head, it rang hollow.

"Smokefeather admitted that she wished she'd killed me when I was born. Nothing major." He'd already cried out what he was going to to Bloodstrike. He shrugged and swallowed... determined to make sure he wasn't about to get teary eyed about it a second time. "She said she regretted having me, I caused her the most pain when I was born, she would have killed me if she had known I would turn out like this... uhhh... oh and that she no longer considered me her son. I think that's it."

He tried to sound grimly sarcastic, but there was pain in his voice too. "I know Featherkit didn't deserve what happened... I wish I could take it back. But Smokefeather... I'm not sorry for any pain I have caused her. She certainly never had a problem hurting me. She sparred with me a few times, but only ever when she was mad at me. She made me do it no matter how much I didn't want to... and I didn't want to because laying my paws on my mother, even in a spar, felt wrong to me." He let out a chuckle, but it was far from a happy one. "My my, how things have changed..." His claws pierced the dirt then. If that had been Smokefeather standing there instead of Blossomstep, he would have crossed the border and killed her.

"I realize now that I'm older that maybe I should have said something... but a little too late now I suppose." He was an adult now, fully capable of defending himself. He didn't need anyone to stand up for him anymore. "I'm sorry that I locked you away, Blossomstep. I know you and my... Smokefeather talked a lot. I was afraid she would tell you what had happened in that nursery and then... well this would have happened." He gestured with his tail and his head at the world around him... lands that were not Skyclan territory.

"It was a risk I couldn't take."

Blossomstep's ears flattened to her skull as Dawnhawk confirmed he knew. His gaze dropped from hers as she mentioned Featherkit before raising back, a wide range of emotions flitting across his face. So he also felt remorse for what he had done, and didn't deny it... It didn't truly help, at all, but.... His next words surprised her, and her eyes widened slightly. Without thinking about it, her paws carried her over the border to be closer to Dawnhawk, her heart breaking for the tom. She knew Smokefeather had been disappointed, hurt and angry - so had she. To hear that she had said those things was a shock, though. No matter what her kits had done or gotten into, Blossomstep couldn't imagine saying anything like that about them, let alone to them. The pain in Dawnhawk's voice was evident, and silently Blossomstep closed the distance and sat next to him, pressing her pelt gently to his. She remained quiet as Dawnhawk kept talking, looking over at him. She frowned as he commented that he should have said something, and sighed softly as he apologized. "I'm sorry, Dawnhawk. I never knew that those things were said to you... It doesn't change what you did, or make it right, but... Featherkit wasn't the only victim in this situation, and I'm sorry for not considering that." She mewed, her tail shifting on the ground.

"You were young, Dawnhawk, and you still are compared to me. I should have been more aware, so I could notice something was wrong. I'm sorry that I wasn't, that I didn't take note and ask you about it myself. I let you down in that. I'm still not happy with you about locking me away, but... You are forgiven. I'm here now, and so are you, what's done is done." She sighed again, her shoulders sagging slightly. The silence stretched on for a while longer before she spoke again. "Can I ask you why? Why did you join Asylum?" Her voice was soft, and she gazed out over the forest as she waited for the tom's answer.

He was surprised that she crossed the border and moved toward him. Dawnhawk bunched the muscles in his hind legs in case he needed to spring away. If he detected any sort of aggression or stiffness in her movements, he would have done so. What confused him more was when she sat beside him, a motion that had him ducking his head and raising his shoulder to guard where his jugular was. Alas, it wasn't necessary, as she leaned into him and offered what appeared to be genuine words of comfort.

And forgiveness.

The concept of such a thing was all but foreign to him now. "I... don't understand..." He muttered, though she could probably hear him. Every action or word from him he had become so desensitized to scorn that he didn't know what to do with kindness or understanding, let alone any form of forgiveness. This must be a sign of weakness. Maybe I should take advantage of this. The thought crossed his mind, but was followed just as swiftly by hesitation and uncertainty. It's only a matter of time before she strikes. Another demon whispered in his ear, but it held his voice. He took in a breath and forced his head to clear. He didn't know what was actually going on, but he would keep his mind focused for now. If she was going to sneak attack him, he needed to be ready. He thought maybe she'd try to push him back into the river, but the river was behind both of them. Maybe she'll pull me in and take herself out too. That made more sense. That had to be it. Dawnhawk adjusted a hind leg to brace himself in place better with that thought.

"The Asylum offered me everything Skyclan didn't." He continued to talk as if everything was fine while all of the chaos ran rampant in his head. "They were far more accepting of me than my mother, sister and some of the warriors were. They were more available than my entire clan was. They had room for me to improve and advance in the hierarchy if I worked hard and there was actual opportunity to do so. Skyclan has a hierarchy, but the clan is tiny in comparison to the Asylum. Spots higher than grunt or foot soldier... or warrior aren't exactly plentiful. Maybe you think this is arrogant and that's fine with me, but I have always been smarter than most if not all cats in this clan. I could think circles around Redfall even as a kit. I felt my potential is wasted on being just another warrior, but Bloodstrike was too well liked and respected to compete with for deputy position." He paused for a few heartbeats and he swallowed. "So I removed him. Then I took it." He wasn't able to look Blossomstep in the eye at this point. He knew what he had done was wrong, but there had been no other way.

"I'm not perfect. No one in this clan is... but I absolutely would have lead Skyclan to greatness untold if I had been Dawnstar. Who else do you know that could betray their entire clan, then be given a Captain rank in a foreign army that they were fairly new to and be given the rank of deputy by the same leader they had betrayed? No one Blossomstep. It's never been done before. There was a Shadowclan cat that had done the same thing I did and betrayed Shadowclan... Tanglerose her name used to be. It's Tavora now I'm pretty sure. But her only claim to fame was being the previous Standard Captain's mate. After he died, I replaced him." He paused for several heartbeats before he finally looked Blossomstep in the eye again. "Imagine if I had been spear-heading Skyclan with that time and energy. Do you even know where we would be?" The question was rhetorical. He switched his gaze to the stars and glared at them. "The other clans would only ever have the courage to sneer behind our backs in a hushed tone and they would never question our superiority again."

Or mine. But he at least had the sense to leave that part out. Maybe Blossomstep wouldn't be impressed by anything he was saying, but later on if she ever thought about it again, his words would likely start to sink in. His words usually did eventually.

The adjustments to Dawnhawk's stance didn't go unnoticed, but Blossomstep ignored them for the most part. Up to this point, they seemed to be mostly defensive, which did hurt, but didn't seem to be a significant cause for concern... Yet. Her ear twitched as he muttered, and it shook her even further. To have a reaction like that to forgiveness.... She had really failed her old apprentice, hadn't she? A lump in her throat formed as she listened to him explain the reasons behind his actions. He was driven by a thirst for power, a motivation to get what he wanted, what he felt he deserved, what he felt he earned... And largely what he had worked hard for. He was right, there were only so many positions in the clan, but being a warrior was not something to be ashamed of. Sure, the title of leader or deputy was something to strive for, to aspire to, but... There was no shame in being a caretaker of the clan in the form of a warrior. They were all there for the same purpose, to care for, protect, fight for, and represent their clans. Dawnhawk had always impressed her, even as an apprentice. Having been his mentor, she had taken note of his skill, but... She hadn't thought of what would happen if his desire to go higher would drive him to look elsewhere. What if Asylum had never come around?

Dawnhawk dropped his gaze as confessed to having played a part in Bloodstrike's removal, and the fur along her back rose slightly before falling flat again. It was done, it was over, the damage had been made but it was in the past. There had been a time she would have lashed out at the confession, but after so long it felt hollow. "You say Asylum offered you everything, but was it truly a home? You have a mate, and kits in SkyClan. You found them after joining Asylum, but Honeycomb was here already. You spent most of your time still with SkyClan, sleeping in our camp and hunting and fighting alongside us. You may have had to be patient, but... I have no doubt that you would have risen to deputy when the time came. I'll be honest, I can't speak much for the burning desire to be higher than a warrior. Perhaps there was a time in my youth that the thought of becoming deputy was a goal of mine, but that fire burned out after seeing what it did to your grandfather. It is not an easy task, and holding the fate of your clanmates in your paws is a responsibility I don't envy. I think that you would have helped bring greatness to SkyClan, had you been patient, Dawnhawk. I think you still could, if you admit to your faults and face those you have hurt.... I would have loved to see what the future held with you, but you stole that when you chose to join Asylum. I won't pull my words there, Dawnhawk, and I do hope you understand why I don't. I feel far too much has happened for pretty words to ease the blow. It's not fair to anyone, at this point."

Blossomstep sighed as she straightened up, trying to catch the tom's eye again. "So where from here, Dawnhawk? What are you going to do? Where are you going to do? It's dangerous for you to linger here." Her ear swiveled back towards the border to listen out for the rest of her patrol. "I don't think I have much more time, unfortunately. The other members of the patrol will be coming to find me soon. I should head them off before then so you don't get caught here by anyone else."

He listened to her words and didn't flinch from the harsher sentences. It wasn't like he didn't know already. He sighed and stared blankly ahead as he listened. He didn't have time to wait around for Wolfstar to die, then for Bloodstar to die, before he became the leader. He would be an old tom by then and probably would have lost a lot of the fire and drive that he has now. Waiting would not have been an option, but he understood why Blossomstep thought it would have been the best course of action.

"I'll find my way. I always do. Even when I don't have a plan I am good at thinking on the fly." His ears picked up the sound of a Skyclan patrol. Blossomstep was close, and she had touched him. She carried his scent on her... and with as bad of a standing with the clan at this point, he worried for Blossomstep's standing as well. She could handle herself, he knew, but if he could spare her any backlash, he would like to.

"I hope you don't take this personally. The clan won't be happy if they knew you were anything but hostile toward me." He lifted a claw and swiped at her swiftly, enough to break skin if his claws made contact, but not enough to truly even need the attention of a medicine cat. The scent of Dawnhawk as well as the sight of an injury, however light, could save her issues within the clan later on. She was big, fluffy cat though. He was just as likely to do nothing more than pull fur from her.

"I'm sorry." Dawnhawk said, sincerity in his eyes, and then he bolted away. Having a run in with a Skyclan patrol wasn't what he needed right now.

That Dawnhawk didn't respond confirmed what she already knew. The tom hadn't been, and never would be, content to wait. He wanted what he felt he had earned, had deserved, and he had wanted it now. The fur along her back rose slightly for a moment - had he been planning an attempt to get rid of Wolfstar, too? No. Even if he had, it hadn't happened, and she wouldn't condemn him for something she speculated. She blinked as he answered her question before pressing her head to his shoulder gently. "That's true. You always have been. I'll... I'll miss you. I love you, even if you don't believe it. You're still my grandkit." The sound of the patrol grew closer still, and grief filled her gaze as she realized their time was up. Standing, she began to turn to head off the patrol when Dawnhawk spoke up again, his words confusing her. She turned back, only for claws to rip through the fur at her cheek, forcing her head to the side. She gasped in shock as the pain laced through her back, eyes flashing in anger for a brief moment. He had most likely been aiming for her shoulder, but she had moved. As her gaze met his for what could be the last time, her anger melted and she nodded as blood oozed from the wounds on her face. "I am too. Goodbye, Dawnhawk." As he raced away, she gave a half-hearted chase, calling after his retreating figure. To the patrol, it sounded like a threat. She hoped that he would understand the concerned warning. "Don't come back."

With Dawnhawk out of sight, the she-cat turned and met back up with the patrol to return to camp.

I'll... I'll miss you. I love you, even if you don't believe it. Her words registered in his head after he'd already struck her and after he had already began running. Something hit him in the chest... some invisible force that drew breath from his lungs. Without fully understanding how or why, his eyes ran wet and warm. An ache formed in his chest and around his ribcage as he ran, threatening to crush him. He had to exhale, then inhale sharply. His vision blurred. The scenery around him was hardly recognizable.

Dawnhawk ran and ran until he had to stop or his heart would explode. He slowed to a stop and panted, gasping for breath as involuntary shudders wracked his body. Their conversation ran through his head again and again and again. He could have been deputy if he had waited... he could have been Dawnstar... Blossomstep forgave him...

She loved him.

Dawnhawk's haunches hit the floor with a thump and he shivered. He grit his teeth trying to fight back tears that were already flowing. What is wrong with me? He thought. He'd seen the Asylum cats kill predators for their pelts and tear out their insides until they were hollow before. Somehow, he felt that was accurate for him as well. You had a home and... a family that loved you... Dawnhawk slid forward on his forelegs and let his belly sink to the dirt. His head lowered slowly and his nose pressed against the dirt. Maybe Smokefeather and Beechface didn't... and Redfall always had a chip on his shoulder... He wouldn't let his thoughts continue any further. Any further and he would have to realize what it exactly was that he had given up. To do that would admit how wrong he had been and come to terms with how unfixable everything was now.

He couldn't do that.

"This pain..." He croaked out between sobs that jerked his shoulders. Being silent wasn't enough anymore. If he didn't verbalize the internal agony raging inside him it might just consume him. "I'm not bleeding but it hurts... a lot." And for hours, Dawnhawk lie there, unaware of what territory he was in, if any.