a conversation is needed (CLOSED)

Spark waited for Shira to meet him at Asylum camp. He felt very uncomfortable after her outburst, and the ginger tom was sure that he would have left her just then... but it didn't feel right. After all, he promised that he would be there for her, and he still wanted to keep that promise. She was just having a hard time dealing with the new information, that's all. They all were. At least, he cared about her. And he hoped that she cared for him back.

Eventually, the she-cat arrived. "Hello, Shira," he said, turning to the dark gray she-cat. "I want to talk to you about something." Despite the stern and emotional look on his face, he was extremely anxious about this. Perhaps he would get yelled at again, or maybe she would just leave him. Either way, Spark wasn't ready for the consequences of this. Making sure that nobody but Shira would hear him, he spoke once more. "You can't fight Eris while pregnant. You must have bees in your brain to think that you would even stand a chance against her with kits in your belly." Before he realized what had been going, the words had already left his mouth. His emotionless face hid the frantic panic and utter dread going through the tom's head.

This is the end, isn't it?

Shira waited for a while, not wanting to be there at her normal time.  She did not want to see any of the other "missing kits".  The only reason she came here was to not make Eris suspicious.  She spotted Spark, but kept walking.  When he spoke to her, she stopped walking.  She turned around when he said that he needed to talk with her about something.  She was about to apologize.  She felt bad for snapping at him the way she did before.

But... Then he said something that made her snap again, just like she did before.

Not only did he insult her intelligence, but he also basically told her that she was not even close to being as strong as Eris.  "Are you insulting me Spark?"  She was going to say something else, but for some reason the fact that Spark could have been insulting her hurt her... A lot.  That never happened whenever anyone else insulted her or was rude or anything else like that.  She tried to suppress her pain by trying to forget about it and act like it wasn't a big deal.  This time that did not fully work, but, after a deep breath, she was ready to snap right back at him.

"Oh, yeah, and by the way thank you so much for nearly telling everyone I'm pregnant," she said sarcastically.  "Do you even know how dangerous that is for me or our soon-to-be kits!  I'm not exactly loved in Skyclan.  To be honest, I'm probably the cat most hated in Skyclan besides Dawnhawk.  Anyone who hates me could use my pregnancy against me.  One of my only weaknesses is-" how much I love my family.  Shira cut herself off from finishing that sentence out loud.  She did love Spark, but... this definitely was not the right moment to tell him that.  "If you're so worried about protecting our kits, you need to think before you speak next time!"

It wasn't fair to yell at him and she knew that, but she felt like she couldn't stop.

"And, Spark, you must have bees for brains if you think I"m just going to sit down and pretend like everything is fine and normal, without making that insane leader pay for what she did to us.  What she could do to other cats.  I'm not just going to sit down and wait for her to take the life a cat should have had away from them!"

It seemed like something that Spark did angered Shira. Of course it did. He did speak his mind, which cost what he cared about, as he expected. Though the ginger tom prepared for the worst, he didn't expect the anger that Shira unleashed onto him. Word after word, the gray she-cat pushed him down further and further. The cold wind howled in the background, matching the extremely tense atmosphere. It made him feel even more empty than he had ever felt before.

All of his worst nightmares had started to come true. The she-cat who he cared for began chewing him out for speaking up, an action that the ginger tom never felt comfortable doing to any cat besides those who he felt the most comfortable with. And now, after everything that had been happening, that short list of cats became even shorter. Deep down, he wanted to trust her to not yell at him. He wanted to have some connection with her. But at this point, that was unreasonable of it. She didn't care for him like he had thought she did. He had to let go of her.

But he couldn't.

Despite everything that was happening, a part of him refused to let go, under any circumstance. Perhaps because it hurt him to see the cat that he loved be this angry, be this upset. His mind overflooded with fear, anger, passion, love, a raging river that he had been trying to fight. Normally, he fought it easily, but now, it was overtaking him. He couldn't do anything about it. His emotions began to absorb him.

"I-I d-didn't m-mention it d-d-directly," he stuttered, responding to Shira's first comment. "I t-tried t-to m-make it as c-conspicuous as p-possible." It was obvious now that this was Spark's true face, his emotions that he had kept bottled within him pouring out like a waterfall. Tears welled up in the ginger tom's green eyes, as he stared down at the ground. He didn't expect it to hurt this much.

Once Shira finished, Spark was utterly broken. "W-well... the r-reason that I-I-I s-said all of t-that is b-b-because..." He couldn't even finish the sentence that he was trying to say. How pathetic, a tom who couldn't even speak his words straight. He should stay silent all of the time, not lose everything that he already had. "It's b-because..."

"I care!"

The ginger tom turned his head up to look at Shira, tears flowing down his face, he spoke once more. "I care. Th-that's w-why I d-did t-that." His voice started breaking as he continued. "I-I d-don't w-want to l-l-lose you. Or the k-kits. Th-that's w-why I r-risked s-saying w-what I s-said in t-the m-m-meeting. I-i-i'm s-sorry... I g-guess th-that it doesn't m-matter n-now, anyways..." She wouldn't understand, would she. After all, she seemed driven to kill Eris at this point. And if he couldn't find a way to stop her, she would get stopped by Eris. And getting stopped by Eris would mean death. Despite on how strong that Shira was normally, while pregnant she wouldn't even stand a chance against the Asylum Head.

One of the things Shira was never good at was dealing with her own emotions.  Instead of excepting the simple fact that she could still be a good strong cat while having normal cat emotions, she hid her feelings under a large blanket of anger.  After a while, this became normal to her.  So, she was never really great at dealing with her own emotions and, unfortunately, this also meant that she was never good at knowing what to do when other cats showed theirs.

Her anger towards Spark suddenly became less.  He stumbled over words almost as if he was afraid of her.  What am I doing? she thought.  Why am I pushing the one cat who has always been there for me away? He was sobbing and she was the one that caused this.  Am I the villain?  Am I the monster?  She was questioning almost everything about her life lately, but one thing she never questioned was how much she loved Spark... Even if she was not showing it too much.

When he told her that he cared, all anger that she held towards him left.  She always hoped that others cared for her like she (secretly) cared for them, but no one ever told her that.  A singular tear fell off her face and landed by her paws.

"I-it matters," she whispered, for a moment unable to make her voice any louder than a soft whisper.  "It always matters."  Her voice was soft, much different than how it was before.  She never wanted to hurt him.  She never wanted anything ever hurt him.  She always thought she needed to protect everyone she loves from anything that could hurt them, but she never thought that she would be the one to hurt him.

She did not know what else to say.  She did not know what else she could say.  She opened her jaw slightly a couple times, but was completely speechless.

"I'm sorry."  She could not remember the last time she said that to someone.  "You- you didn't do anything wrong."  She paused, not knowing what to say next.  She sighed.  "I just... I just need to know that you trust me.  Do you trust me, Spark?"

After Spark shouted, the realization of what he did came to him. Everything was just going to get worse. After all, Shira didn't like cats with mushy emotions, and while Spark had hid those in his heart, they came rushing out. And now, it was obvious to Spark that he knew what she would do. Taking another step back, he prepared for the worst of her anger.

But it never came.

To Spark's surprise, Shira seemed to be as taken aback as he had been once he got control of his emotions again. Perhaps, despite everything that she had said and did, she really did care, in her own special way. It's... comforting to know that. But it doesn't mean that she will always listen to me, either.

When the she-cat asked for his trust, the ginger tom paused. Did he trust her? Well, he didn't know the answer to that question. In his eyes, trust is built over time, and it can only be built if it is given by someone else. An easy example would be Rookfire. The ShadowClan medicine cat told Spark that if the ginger tom hunted for ShadowClan, he would stay put and not run away. Spark gave Rookfire his trust, and the black tuxedo repaid him in full. If he could trust a cat that he couldn't even think of liking, he should be able to trust his mate.

"Yes," he said softly. "I trust you."

Shira waited for Spark's response.  He hesitated.  Shira hated when cats hesitated, because of how impatient she was.  She wanted an answer, and that answer would effect everything she was about to do next.  His hesitation had gone on long enough that Shira was pretty sure that it gave her the answer.  Giving up, she went to turn around, but then he answered her.

"Yes, I trust you.'"

The she-cat stood still for a second.  Though there was the cold of leaf-bare, she felt sort of warm.  The icy glare that she kept on most cats began to thaw.  She never thought anyone cared about her and she never thought that anyone trusted her, even though she had always secretly hoped for both things, but apparently one cat did.  Even though she did not think she was worthy of trust or worthy of care, at least someone did.

For a moment she forgot the conversation she was stopped to have in the first place, but she quickly remembered.  She really hoped that the answer she would give him would not make him take back anything he said.  "Then I need you to trust me when I say I will not let anything harm anyone I love,"  Her eyes held a soft gaze in them.  She spoke her words calmer and they were more sincere than ever.  "That includes our kits.  They're aren't even born yet and I care about them even more than myself.  I know what I want, and in my mind need, to do.  I just want to make sure that Eris never has the chance to hurt anyone ever again.  But I promise you that if anything bad seems like it is going to happen to our kits, I will leave without any second thought.  I'm so sorry Spark, but I need to do this."

Her eyes had tears in them.  She waited for his response, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.

Spark nodded. He felt that Shira was already set on doing it, no matter what the ginger tom would say. And though he still was worried, he had to believe that Shira and the kits she was bearing would survive this encounter. Besides, he already told her that he trusted her. It wouldn't make any sense for him to retract that trust just yet, when she didn't even do anything yet.

Staring at Shira, he smiled warmly at her. She seemed to be the one breaking at the moment, and he was here to comfort her if she needed it. "It's settled, then," he said warmly. "Just... be careful, okay?" She didn't need to say anything, really. The ginger tom was sure that Shira already knew. And that feeling of certainty made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.