Lilacpaw's StarClan Dream

Again, it was the night of another StarClan Dream Experience. Softbreeze had told Lilacpaw to fake a sore throat and cough, and Softbreeze was soundly 'asleep' when Lilacpaw entered. The past two times, Softbreeze had 'awoken' on her own, so she made sure to ask Lilacpaw to approach her first and wake her, to avoid suspicion. When a fluffy paw tentatively reached out to rouse her, Softbreeze groggily opened her eyes, finding herself to be a rather good actor. As Lilacpaw described her symptoms, Softbreeze nodded. "Honey then." She replied blankly, standing up and walking over to the barley replenished herbs stores. Sliding a honeycomb over to Lilacpaw, she instructed her to swallow the sweet liquid, even though every cat here knew she'd scarcely have enough to last leaf-bare.

"You can sleep there." Softbreeze whispered, pointing to the nest where Daypaw and Flashpaw had previously been visited. As each day progressed, Softbreeze seemed to get worse and worse. She was lucky to speak ten words a day, and she knew her Clanmates were worried sick. But she was a murderer, she didn't deserve their sympathy or concern. With nothing left to say, Softbreeze lay in her nest, silent sobbing shaking her pelt as it did every night. She'd shed so many tears she had none left to shed. Her voice was raspy at best and the only sound in the den was the eerie quiet whimpers that came from Softbreeze.

Lilacpaw had come into the medicine cat, rather tentatively, coughing slightly as though clearing her throat. She knew she was supposed to fake a cough, but she also didn't want her "illness" to seem deadly, so she kept those far and few, focusing mainly on the scratchy, sore throat part. Prodding the medicine cat, and licking up the honey as instructed, which she did not take much, as tasty as it was, she lied in the nest Softbreeze had gestured to.

She did not fall asleep immediately, instead gazing at Softbreeze as she lied sobbing. Lilacpaw hated watching the medicine cat suffer like this when she helped so many other cats, but what could she do? She did not know what it was like to go through what Softbreeze had, to have a cat die at your paws, unable to do anything to save them. She knew Softbreeze blamed herself, she had heard her call herself a murderer, even. But there was nothing Lilacpaw could do for Softbreeze. That helplessness had to have been the worst part.

Eventually she lied her own head down, in part to keep herself from crying along with Softbreeze. When she awoke, she was not in the dark den, and Softbreeze was nowhere to be seen. Instead, her paws rested on lush, green grass, with fields as far as the eye could see. Her eyes were wide, her jaw agape, as she stared at the scene in wonder. Was this what StarClan was like? Why did the Asylum want to keep the Clans from this? This was the most beautiful place she had ever seen!

With a gulp, she remembered what it was that she was here to do. It was what every apprentice came to do at some point. A StarClan cat was supposed to be here, right? How was she supposed to even go about this? Did she need to look for them? Did she wait here? Would nobody come at all? Instead, she simply decided to call out, hoping she would not seem impatient in that way. "Hello?

The gentle pulling sensation of an apprentice in need called Aspenheart back to the glade where he had met Flashpaw. He found himself ambling by WindClan's dreamland more often lately. Perhaps it was the fact that they were in peril that drew him forth... but he always thought WindClan was in peril. He watched from the stars with a judgmental grimace on his silver chin, jabbering to Barleytuft about what he would have done differently. And the cream tom, ever the wiser, would simply say that it didn't matter, because they weren't WindClan anymore. Theirs was the whole forest. Aspenheart still felt a little weird about the part of the afterlife. As long as he lived, he did it for his clanmates. How was he supposed to dedicate his time to all the other ones, too?

No matter any of that, for this was a special apprentice. She had suffered great loss. Lilacpaw needed the guidance of a cat who understood fear, longing, and helplessness, and knew how to overcome it all. Somehow, it seemed like Barleytuft would have been better suited for this.

On proud legs Aspenheart ambled forward. "You're a very good actress," he said with a wink. "I can't say much for my apprentice... you can read her like a clear Greenleaf sky. I feel sorry for her, after everything. Softbreeze can soar too close to the sun. I wish I had taught her the dangerous power of her own words, before... well. You know. WindClan cats. We crave justice, but we're not so good at having a back-up plan. My name is Aspenheart. I was the medicine cat of WindClan before I died."

The medicine cat flopped onto his side. "Get comfy. I see fear in your eyes. What are you afraid of, Lilacpaw?"

What are you afraid of Lilacpaw? She had never thought of that before. But there was a very easy answer to it. After all, what was every cat afraid of right now? "The Asylum. They killed Goldengale, a-and Dappleshine! What if I lose a cat I am close to? What if they take Olivestar, or Zinnia? I don't know if I would be able to live with myself if I couldn't keep them safe. They've done so much for me! And they're all I have left." She added a little more quietly.

She sat down, kneading the ground below her as she watched for Aspenheart's expression. Surely he would know what to do? She couldn't fight them, there were too many. And would she be able to fight, anyway? Even if she got the chance? She had always avoided that part of warrior life, would she be able to do what was needed of her?