Promises to Keep (Closed)

It was a nice, bright day out, and the air was in that perfect spot between warmth and cold to suggest a sense of total normalcy.

Life was going on, even after everything that happened, and Nettlefire would’ve liked nothing more than to pretend that all the pain her clan and family had endured was nothing but a bad dream that could easily be forgotten. But it hadn’t been a bad dream, and there would be no way to easily forget. Her once somewhat large family had dwindled as of late. Of her once pawful of siblings, there was now only one left in the clan with her, Daisybloom. She’d made a promise to Stormpaw that she’d try to take care of Daisybloom, be a better sister to her-- and she intended to keep that promise. But the truth was she didn’t really know her little sister very well, and if she wanted to be there for her, she knew the first step would be getting to know her. So, Nettlefire went to seek the medicine cat out. She didn’t entirely have a plan for what she was going to say; she figured she’d just start a conversation as casually as possible (though ‘casual’ was never entirely in her wheelhouse), and hope it went well. She spotted the she-cat, and approached her.

“Hello, little sister. Do you have a minute? I thought perhaps we could just-- talk, spend some time together, er--” The deputy said a little awkwardly, not fully sure how to conduct the interaction.

Daisybloom has gotten to a state where most of the wounds had been tended, and everything was returning back to normal. Stormpaw had been her closet sibling, ever since Confierpaw died. And now, she was gone. Left to wander the forest like a loner. It had been a hard night, and the young she-cat had buried herself in her work. She had collected many herbs, distributed moss, done everything she could. She just needed to get her mind off things. Mossbloom was easy to confide in, and she was grateful for that. This particular day, it was beautiful out, and she had been urged out of her den to spend the day with the clan. She sat down, picking up a squirrel from a returned patrol, and started to eat it. It tasted good.

She hadn’t even noticed the lingering deputy, but when she potted Nettlefire, she smiled and dipped her head in greeting. The question surprised her, and made her feel pretty happy. ”Sure!” she replied. Making conversations like that’s wasn’t very easy for Daisybloom either, especially when she was alone. ”How’s being a deputy? What’s that like?” she asked. The medicine cat had never wanted to be leader or deputy, like many of the kits had. She hadn’t even wanted to be a warrior, really. But just because they tread different paths in the walk of life didn’t mean they couldn’t interact. They were family, after all.

“I like it, for the most part,” Nettlefire responded, happy her sister did have the time to talk. “There is a lot that is good about it— like getting to do the apprentice ceremonies, seeing how excited all the kits are. But it certainly was very...strange, at first— not the responsibilities themselves, so much, but the idea of them— the knowledge that you have a burden to carry, not just theoretically, not just in an abstract, idealistic sense, but in a completely tangible way. There was just something hard to figure out about that sensation, at first. But I think I have finally gotten used to it now, or at least I have started to”

Nettlefire realized that though it was a sentiment she'd often felt herself thinking about, she had never really given herself the chance to try to articulate it before, and it felt nice to actually do so. She found herself feeling increasingly confident that her decision to open up more to others was, in fact, the right one. “I am sure in that regard there is some similarity to being a medicine cat. After all, I know you have plenty of important responsibilities, too,”

Daisybloom nodded. Although, having to do ceremonies would be kinda scary...a lot of pressure to do everything right. But seeing the kits excited did bring a bit of light to their lives, surely. The next part of the statement actually echoed into her own life. ”I understand that.” she said with a little giggle. ”It was strange at first, but now it feels normal. I can barely imagine being a warrior anymore!” So, her life had taken a different turn than others had guessed. But it had been a change for the better.

”Yeah, responsibilities. To be honest, Mossbloom does all the important stuff, at least right now. I’ve never really tried to do anything huge, like heal a major wound or help with birth. But I imagine it will be kind of scary, so much pressure. I can’t imagine having their lives resting in my paws.” It was a nightmare she had before, a cat she couldn’t save. Nothing like that had happened to her yet, but she dreaded it. ”I just don’t want to mess up.” she explained more quietly, expressing one of the biggest fears that came with her new role.

"I completely understand that," Nettlefire said softly. There was comfort in knowing someone else, especially someone who a family member, someone she could talk to, had the same fear as her. "It can be truly...terrifying...to know that my mistakes could potentially not only reflect on me but on all my clanmates,"

The she-cat had to force herself to get the word terrifying out; she still couldn't fully shake the belief that someone in her position expressing that they were terrified of anything to anyone (including, or perhaps especially, herself) was inherently a mistake, that she had to steel herself against any and all personal fears, or she wouldn't be able to do her job properly. But she had to admit that it was the only word to describe the feeling-- "worrying", "concerning", "nerve-wracking"...they were all too weak. It was terrifying at times. She was terrified. And it felt good to actually admit it, especially to her sister.

"I don't claim to know much about the actual practice of being a medicine cat," she continued on, smiling with a vague melancholy. "But from what I can tell, you seem to be shaping up to be quite a good one. But I suppose I can't guarantee that you will never ever 'mess up', Daisybloom, much as I can't guarantee myself that I will never mess up, either-- in many ways, I feel like I already have messed up in certain respects. But whatever mistakes we may make, I suppose we just have to remember that we both try our bests, and that is all we can do, really. Not every decision will be the right one, not every life will be saved, and that doesn't reflect on our skills or dedication: it simply is. We just have to remember what goes right, and learn from what goes wrong. And hopefully, if we can do that much, then more of decisions will be the right one, and more lives will be saved,"

Daisybloom listened quietly. It was nice to know that she could talk to someone, that someone understood. She should’ve gotten to know Nettlefire earlier on. Sadly, the opportunity had never arisen. Recently, it had seemed that everything was going wrong. But something good came out of Stormpaw’s leaving.

Talking about her emotions was a soft spot for her, and her usually stiff sister seemed to be loosening up around her. It was truly amazing, how interacted with a close friend of family member could do that to you. ”I’ve been terrified a lot the past few moons.” she said, her blue eyes meeting the deputy’s.

A small smile spread on her face. What Nettlefire said was enlightening. It was odd, to hear something so... deep, come from her. ”That’s really wise. Sounds like something Starclan- the real ones, mind you- would say.” her eyes twinkled a bit with joy. Wanting to talk more, she said the next statement that came to her mind, ”Have you ever had an apprentice?” Although Mossbloom wasn’t very old...well, actually, she was a bit old, she hoped that her mentor would be around for a while.

"Thank you," Nettlefire said, a slight glimmer in her green eyes. She was glad her advice had been well-received. She had never really tried giving that kind of advice before, and the ease with which the words had come had surprised her. She doubted she would be able to make such introspectively-sourced statements with just anyone and everyone, but it was good to learn that she was capable of it, with the right cat.

"I have," Nettlefire said, responding to Daisybloom's question. "Coniferpaw was my first apprentice..." the she-cat trailed off for a moment, her eyes flickering vaguely to an invisible distance, before continuing "And then Robinloft was my second. She was a good apprentice. And I like being a mentor. I would be happy to be one again, soon," she concluded. Being the deputy, the choice to be a mentor was in her own paws, after all. She looked back over at Daisybloom. Nettlefire suspected that for someone in her sister's position, the idea of becoming a mentor must feel a little more complicated than for most other cats in the clan, considering that in her case it would only happen after Mossbloom had passed away or otherwise stepped down. "The circumstances of getting there aside, are you looking forward to being a mentor someday?"

Daisybloom nodded. It was amazing how some cats could speak so eloquently, yet one would never guess it. Nettlefire was an instance like that. Surprising, at first. But she could see how it made sense. She smiled, happy that her sister had decided to talk to her today.

The subject of apprentices had always been a nervous one for her. Nettlefire sharing who her apprentices were was interesting, though. At Confierpaw, she inhaled sharply, then exhaled. She missed her littermates, her brothers. And Robinloft, too. ”I’m sure you’re a good mentor.” she said. The question made her think. ”I...I dunno. I mean, I don’t know if I would be any good at it...but I think I would enjoy it.” she concluded finally, surprising herself a bit. But she could tell, in her heart, that it was true.

"I do think you will make a good mentor, and that you will enjoy being one," Nettlefire said, the sentiment completely genuine. She did think Daisybloom would make a good mentor someday, and she certainly hoped her sister would enjoy it.

The more the she-cat spoke about mentoring, the more she realized she did miss being one. And there were kits in the clan who would be apprentices relatively soon; perhaps she would consider mentoring one of them.

Nettlefire continued, adding with honesty: "Although I don't think you can really know whether you will be good at it or even that you will like it until you do it. It is just one of those things. And more than that, being a good mentor to one cat doesn't necessarily mean you would be a good mentor to another, because every apprentice learns and behaves differently," she paused, remembering that a medicine cat would-- hopefully-- train less apprentices than any given warrior would, considering it was a more finite position. "Though I suppose-- circumstances willing-- that last piece applies less to you, considering a medicine cat is less likely to have many different apprentices than a warrior is."

Daisybloom smiled. Having another cat show that kind of confidence in her, well, it was refreshing. ”Thanks.” she said. Nettlefire knew what she was talking about with nearly everything. So maybe, just maybe, she was right. Still, it would most likely be a while before anything of the sort would occur.

Nettlefire also had more wisdom to bestow, as she explained that the circumstances for being ‘good’ at mentoring weren’t as clearly defined as the medicine cat had thought. The next liars about having multiple apprentices, she was about to add that it wouldn’t be very common, but the deputy added on to her own statement. She knew that Mossbloom missed Puddlepaw, her first apprentice. She couldn’t imagine losing an apprentice and having to take on another one.

”It’ll be strange. Mossbloom told me that she received some sort of signs from Starclan about, well, me, I guess. I think it might be a bit hard to figure out, nearly everything Starclan says is. They never just tell us anything, we’ve gotta figure out the clues.” she said with a chuckle. It was true, the medicine cats did have quite a task of deciphering the words of the ancestors.

"Yes, I certainly don't envy that part of your job," Nettlefire conceded. Being a medicine cat had never been something she had been interested in, but if the ambition had ever even vaguely crossed her mind, she was sure the thought of having to interpret endlessly abstruse prophecies and omens would have completely smothered it. "I certainly admire StarClan-- at least, as you said earlier, the 'real ones'-- but I have to say, I have no patience for riddles. I don't really see the point in them. And it seems to me there is only so much distance between a riddle and a lie. I think having to sort through them would drive me a little mad,"

She didn't want to sound overly negative, but it was the truth. She wasn't even sure, really, why StarClan needed to deliver information in symbols and prophecies. Why not just be direct? But then again, she supposed it "wasn't for her to understand". As much as that somewhat annoyed her. "I admire you and Mossbloom for being willing to do that work. I don't think I could ever do what you do," the deputy admitted.

Daisybloom nodded. It wasn’t a task she had to complete on her own, luckily. Having a mentor there to help, it really, well, helped. ”Mossbloom does most of it. But yeah, it is kinda weird. It’s also sorta fun, especially when it isn’t life or death circumstances.” she mewed.

Nettlefire being a medicine cat was a weird thought. She seemed so suited to be a warrior, and a deputy. She was good at it. And everyone had a path right for them. ”Everyone has strengths. And fears. For example, I’m terrified of having to fight a cat. As an apprentice, I fought predators, but never a cat. I hated violence, and still do. Healing is just..better. For me, anyways.“ She hadn’t revealed that to many others, but it felt good to do so.

"Yes, that is certainly true. We all have our own strengths, our own weaknesses, our own fears..." Nettlefire agreed, her voice a little quieter than normal.

She had always squirmed at the thought of admitting her weaknesses and fears out loud-- it was important to project a sense of strength and collectedness, she thought. How would anyone be able to have faith in your competence if you seemed weak? She'd never believe that sharing these things with just anyone was the right thing to do, but what she was trying to teach herself was that it was okay to at least have cats you considered confidants who you could be open about those things with. She'd already proved to herself that that would be a good thing over the course of this conversation. It felt good to speak so introspectively with someone she trusted, to have already shared some of the things that frightened and worried her.

"I understand why you would be scared of fighting another cat. Battles can be...hectic, disconcerting, unsettling. But for me, I have never been too scared of fighting. I think the adrenaline takes over some, as does feeling that the fighting is necessary to protect what I care about. I haven't actually had to fight other cats all that often, but the times I have, I have certainly felt like it was the right thing to do-- and that knowledge helped distract from some of the fear of the fight itself. And I have never been...too concerned about what happens to me. It is the thought of something bad happening to someone I care about that scares me the most," she grimaced slightly. It was a fear that had come true much more often than she would've liked.

Daisybloom nodded, wondering what scared Nettlefire. Surely it wasn’t battles, or hunting. Something deeper, she supposed. Luckily, it was quickly answered for her. Losing someone close to her. That was a horrible fear to have, especially in the family she was in. Because they had lost many.

Starting at Daisybloom’s apprenticeship, her brother, Leopardpaw died soon after. Many siblings followed after that. Coniferpaw, and most recently Stormpaw. It must have been horrible for the deputy. ”I...I know it must have been hard for you, when she left.” The medicine cat didn’t need to say who ‘she’ was.

”But I’ll always be here, and, well, if, if you need me...” she trailed off. She didn’t know how to continue. Her blue eyes glowed with genuine concern towards her sister. They hadn’t been closed before, but things could change. And it seemed that they would, for these two she-cats.

Nettlefire nodded. "I am sure it was hard for you as well. And I know you were much closer with her than I was..." Nettlefire said, her guilt already beginning to stir.

"I'll always be here...if you need me..."

Nettlefire felt herself getting choked up at her sister's statement, more guilt mixing together gratitude, rising up in her chest. She had to fight herself to not bury the negative emotions as quickly as possible.

"Thank you. Thank you, Daisybloom. That...it means a lot to me..." The she-cat said, unable to stop herself from feeling embarrassed by the slight tears that were forming at the edges of her green eyes. "And I...am sorry. I know for most of our lives, we haven't been all that close, and that is on me. I feel like, what we have talked about today...these are the kinds of conversations we should of been having a while ago. The kind I should have been willing to have had with all my siblings, really. It is too late to tell the rest of them this, but I hope it is not too late to tell you-- that I will always be here for you, too. No matter what. I promise."