Dancing Among Flinted Feathers (Tagged/Closed)

She struggled to breath; the stench and the silence was all too eerie and she couldn't breath. Not a breath stirred in her lungs as if the air around her was gone and her body refused to work. The sky was darkened without a single star in the sky and her amber eyes gleamed oddly without much light to glitter among them. The moon seemed absent but somehow there was still light from an unknown source guiding her path. She was in the forest; and her paws were light and airy as she walked despite the awful smell and the lack of air. It made her feel light headed and odd as her dream self walked among the dark forests that she did not recognize but yet felt they were familiar. There was a light at the end of the tunnel suddenly when she saw a small filtered path of light ahead and someone stood at the end blocking part of the light from her. She did not know who it was but it was someone she trusted. She did not realize she had quickened her pace before she was suddenly running full force towards the shadowed figure. There was something moving in the shadows around the figure and before she could reach out; jaws open in a silent cry of someones name that never left her lips. She saw nothing but darkness.

She gasped jolting and flailing in her nest. She felt constricted and couldn't breath; it took her a second to realize she had been holding her breath and she had just had a nightmare. Her lungs expanded to gulp in air into her burning organs. Her heart beat wildly against her chest. What kind of dream was that? She didn't dare think it was a message sent from Starclan; they were angry with her clan right now and she didn't know if she dared even think they were on their side right now. Everyone was on edge since Thornstar was struck down by the very dead cats they looked up to for guidance for moons upon moons. Crowpaw knew that her dream had to be something out of concern. concern what a funny emotion to have. She didn't understand emotions very well but she couldn't deny she felt something akin to worry or unease in the pit of her stomach. Looking around the apprentice den she was grateful to see that she had not woken anyone up so far. One quick glance around the dark den told her it was still night; or at least too early in the morning before anyone could be up.

She rose from her nest and shook the moss from her black and white pelt before padding and weaving her way between others asleep and slipped her way through the apprentice den entrance to look around the silent camp. Everyone was still asleep except a few warriors posted for guard as she heard them shuffling about in the distance. She did not care though; they would not stop her from her destination. She quickly glided her way across the clearing of camp like a silent shadow among the glittering of the moon shining down on her and straight towards the one den that held the cat she most sought for right now. She could practically feel the shadows wrap their arms around her as she slid into the Leader's den. Flintshard....no Flintstar now was probably still asleep if he could get any rest at all as he was not known for being one to sleep often much like her. (and for good reason as she came to find out from her dreams or nightmares she had). She cleared her throat softly hoping not to startle the older warrior with her presence if he had been by chance sleeping.

"Flintshar-" she coughed stopping herself from speaking his warrior name and quickly corrected her words. "Flintstar, are you awake?" she spoke up.

She really needed to talk to him. She honestly did not have the time to do so previous since he had become leader after his mother's untimely death. Ever since he became leader he had been busy doing his duties and cleaning up his mother's mess while Crowpaw had been waiting patiently and not so patiently it seemed in the background waiting for him to have time to talk. She had much she wanted to talk to him about and afraid secretly that he would not have the answers or allow her to hear said answers. But, she was his apprentice and hopefully a close friend to him enough to tell her what was going on. They had once had a few deep conversations before she ever became his apprentice. And she hoped their unspoken bond had not changed since his rank had changed.

Ah, so he was not asleep after all. Even when his body grew still she knew from the sound of his heartbeat and the almost audible sound of his mind working overdrive that he was not asleep. He was having trouble sleeping yet again; naturally this was of no surprise to Crowpaw as they both were known for being insomniacs. But, he had even more reason to not sleep beyond just not being able to. The weight of having become leader was heavy on his shoulders. And if she didn't know any better; his heart carried the heaviest of the burdens right now. Once he finally shifted towards her and allowed her to come in fully she took the few steps closer and sat down. It was evident she was troubled and that was saying something as Crowpaw was not one to show emotions or understand them. But something, whether she was just to exhausted to care or she it was actually something serious that weighed on her; whatever it was. It showed in her eyes even if her face held a loose mask of disinterest.

"I'm glad to see you are awake. Although, you seriously should be asleep. I'm sure you have plenty on your mind and plenty more to do as your position entitles. You have a lot to clean up don't you after your mother's passing?" she sighed and looked down at the ground and traced the cracks and creased within the ground she lay on.

"I will confess I haven't had much ease sleeping recently. A little more than usual as you probably have had the same issue. I had a very...unsettling dream that woke me up and I don't know what to make of it. I do not believe it was a message from Starclan; they have forsaken us in my opinion. But, it was still not something I wanted to go through. I just woke up with a need to see you and make sure you are alright." she confessed tiredly.

She did not like confessing weaknesses to anyone least of all to herself but she was confident that Flintstar would not judge her because he felt the same way at one form or another. Her amber eyes finally met her mentors and a frown etched on her face.

"You have been avoiding me. You have been avoiding everyone that is not needed to have direct contact with. Ever since you came back from your journey to get your nine lives. Have you at least lessened some of the burden you carry with Ravenmist? As she is your deputy and you have chosen her to be your heart have you not? Yet, when I look at you know you seriously look like you haven't seen the light of day in ages. You aren't alright are you?" she stated bluntly.

Crowpaw stared up at her mentor with a blank look as she listened to his words. The look in his eyes told her just how tired he was and how much he was struggling with all of this and Crowpaw....she just suddenly found herself getting angry. Very angry, and that was not an emotion she was used to feeling at all so she couldn't help it when she finally blurted out with such fire in her voice and the steely look in her eyes; she knew she probably would have felt at least a shred of guilt at the end but at that moment she felt very angry at her mentor and at Starclan that she could not help what she said next.

"And you think ignoring everyone around you who is trying to help you and give you the support is okay? You are going through a lot I understand that, losing a leader and a mother and having to take her place is not something someone should have to do and it's a lot to take in but closing yourself off except for one cat is never an okay option!" granted she was kind of mad in her own right that she had been one of those cats he closed out but she understood he needed time and she was merely his apprentice.

"And secondly, what happened to Thornstar was not right. It could have come in a different way and I am not happy with Starclan just like everyone else but you said it yourself Flint; the warrior code must be enforced. But Shadowclan was not the only one affected by the scandal and by Thornstar's death! It takes two to tango and Shadowclan was not the only clan to be blamed for the crimes committed against Starclan. It is unfortunate that we have to be made the example of one cat's mistakes and it sucks and it's wrong I know; but acting like Shadowclan will fall apart at any second is not the mindset we need right now and you pushing yourself away from your clan will not help anything. It certainly won't make anyone feel any safer to be here. Starclan is not on good terms with any of the clans. Laws are meant to be kept sacred and the warrior code used. It has been broken far too often and far too great as of the recent long moons hence why Starclan is so upset with us and the other clans involved. But it does not mean we have to be cowards afraid of our own shadows." her eyes narrowed at him and she felt her temper flare even further as she gazed at her so called leader.

She was not being spiteful towards him and she did not mean to insult him by what she said or shame his mother's name but someone had to tell him the hard truth even if he knew it himself someone had to physically and verbally say it so it could be heard even if it was only for his ears only.

"Shadowclan is not weak. And by the way we have been acting that is how we are being shone in that light. Your mother made the mistake. Not you. You have no reason to cower in fear of Starclan. They are not angry with you they were angry with your mother. You took her place and unfortunately that may end up meaning you have to pick up the pieces of the ruins she created. But never forget the sight you had for yourself and your clan Flintsar. Shadowclan is and always will be a great clan and one cat's mistake should not be the ruin of one whole clan. Especially, when the clan themselves are bound by honor and loyalty to stand up for what's right and wrong. It's lesser of two evils we have to choose every day. Yes, we should not have taken a blind eye to what happened between Thornstar and her...lover. But leader's words are law just as powerful as the warrior code" she took a breath and lowered her eyes.

She had said enough and she admittedly figured it came from her anger and frustration. Over her dead leader to her new leader and mentor's position. It was all sorts of screwed up but it was not a mess that Flintstar had to clean up alone. Frankly it should not be his mess to clean up period just because his mother was mouse brained and crazy. He needed to see that.

"Value yourself and the knowledge you have. You were a great deputy; short lived until you became leader but your decisions from now on are not your mothers Flint. This is not your mess to clean up. The best way you put it behind you is to move on. Acknowledge what happened and know that Starclan is still watching but it was not your fault and not your mess to clean. Lead this clan smart and as you saw fit. As you dream this clan to be; not what your mother left behind for you." she tried to soften the blow a little bit and shook her head looking sadly at him. Too tired to hide behind more masks right now as it was late and she and he both were tired. They had little to no sleep at all and probably wouldn't get any anytime soon.

Crowpaw knew she was in a fox dung of trouble as soon as she saw the flare in his temper. She had pushed a bit too far in her anger. Naturally not techincally at him; more towards his mother for making the mistake she knew she should not have done and yet still did and of course the wrath of Starclan. She was expecting to be sent away angrily but Flintstar like herself do not process emotions very well so anything really could have gone. Her ears flicked back slightly at his admonishment and she knew that he was right; at least partly in her view. She did not know what Starclan was up to but she did not think that Starclan was a cruel thing. Yes, they had laws they expected to uphold. But would they seriously go against all they used to stand for just to punish those who were a product of two cat's stupidity?

"Why would Starclan turn against all they stood for even with this situation? They maybe dead ancestors watching out for us for centuries but in the end; they are supposed to be the good to outbalance the evil in this world that's why we have the Dark Forest. Starclan is not like the Dark Forest. They are angry that laws were broken I understand that; but would they seriously consider wiping out an entire clan or half a clan to purge it? And for what? because two cats got over their heads and decided to do something stupid? Why would Starclan decide to wipe out the children of said cats when they are merely the product of what happened?" she questioned frowning at him.

"It is enough to take out the ones who caused the pain to the clan. But that does not mean an entire clan must be wiped out or the kits of said cats wiped out. They kits did not decide to be born; they cannot help who their parents are Flintstar. I do not believe Starclan would do such a thing. They are our ancestors...not gods who created our world. What's done is done...but as long as we follow the original code Starclan created for us I do not think we are in any danger right now." she added.

She paused there for a moment before looking around the den thoughtfully with a almost sad look in her eyes. So much had changed in a span of just a short time; a lot of people Flintstar mostly, where having trouble finding out how to gain ground under their paws after what had happened so suddenly. She finally met her mentor's gaze with a look that was a bit unreadable.

"I can understand your logic. I can understand your fear. And I can understand more then most actually having to go through something you do not understand. You were thrown into a world that you are not sure of and not knowing who you can trust. I believe though as long as you stay true to yourself. Follow the code that you believe in then you cannot go wrong. You have the right cats guiding you. And although, their motives maybe unknown and not seem reasonable to you does not mean that they are wrong in their judgement. You are the steel that holds this clan together now Flintstar. And Ravenmist will help you learn to be the heart as well with her help you can't go wrong. Confidence is the key. But it's my opinion after all." she shook her head.

"I'm but a humble apprentice who knows nothing outside of this camp and only Starclan knows why I haven't been struck down for the things I tend to say in all honesty." she smiled ruefully and looked away from home. "To live in fear is to allow the shadows to suffocate you. We live in the shadows but that does not mean we cannot master it's purpose. Even the darkest of shadows has a light at the end of the tunnel." she shrugged.

Her words seemed to reach him despite her rage and bluntly spoken words that may have been out of her position to say. She was after all only an apprentice and Starclan forbid she was not sure if they themselves agreed with her words or not let alone the clan if they ever heard what came out of her mouth. But Crowpaw was the only one in her mind that understood where Flintstar was coming from. They were very much alike in many ways that it was a surprise to some if they were not siblings. Shaking her head the molly straightened herself up and gave him a small smile of apology.

"You know I don't mean any ill will towards Starclan or your judgement as a leader and a warrior Flint. I am just worried. It's not something I am used to; worrying about someone or something that is out of my control. Just like you are not used to the emotion of fear. But, it's there nonetheless. I'm glad you believe that you at least heard me out whether you believe me right or wrong in my judgement. As long as you hear what I have to say on the matter....even if it wasn't asked. Someone had to speak up and no one dared to without sugar coating it." she snorted.

"I want to see Shadowclan and you thrive just as much and become as great as it once was long ago. I don't know what the path leads us down but I have faith in your leadership just as I did as you were deputy. You are my mentor after all. I'd be a foolish kit nonetheless if I went against you or was selfish in not believing in your strength and determination to lead this clan." she commented and looked towards the entrance of the den.

"Have you spoken with Ravenmist about your concerns yet?" she asked suddenly.

A look akin to almost something like amusement flittered through her expression at his admission about not having spoken to Ravenmist about his concerns. She got where he was coming from and again, he was coming from a place of fear and uncertainty. It was a only a matter of time before the new leader and the deputy had before they had to start facing facts. This was a crucial moment in the clan's life and if they didn't catch on quick enough Shadowclan may not thrive; or at the least they would have a hard time catching up and fixing what was messed up. Shaking her head she sighed and crouched; shifting her shoulders to get comfortable her amber eyes watched him carefully before she spoke. Feeling like an elder more then an apprentice but she enjoyed their conversations because frankly Flintstar was the only one who took Crowpaw serious enough despite her age.

"I get it, I truly do. You and Ravenmist must have time to adjust to things. But, just be careful on how much time you take. I maybe a poor judge of timing but right now we cannot afford to go long without a sure hold on what's going on. If both of you take too long to step up and start on what needs to be done the clan may start feeling a bit...disfunctional. We don't have all the time in the world but I do understand you have to process a bit before hand. Losing your mother is one thing and having to take her place is another. It's a double hit to the chest I'm sure. But, we're Shadowclan...and we gotta carry on despite the forth-comings." she commented softly before looking at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"I have not spoken with Ravenmist personally before. I do not know her to be a friend of mine because frankly I do not interact well with others as you well know. But, do you think she would be opposed to having an apprentice sit down with her and talk to her about this? I know she may not know me very well or my reputation like you do so I don't think she would take me serious enough. But is it worth a shot or to just let her deal with it on her own?"

The thing was with Crowpaw. She was an apprentice. That was her rank. And to most people if they saw her would think she acted or spoke out of term because of her entitlement as the leader's apprentice. But in all reality. She spoke truth regardless of who she was mentored under; she was just lucky she supposed to have been put under Flintstar's guidance as they were much alike. But, she was not entitled and did not realize she may have come off to people like that. So, her speaking with her mentor as if she was older and more in charge may have put people off rather quickly. But, in her heart she wanted this clan to thrive. The survival meant everything to her and it was her concern if her leader and deputy were having issues settling into their new positions. No one else would understand quiet like Crowpaw; that was her only prideful thought in the matter. Because she was the closest person to Flintstar who understood were his mind lay. She did not know matters of the heart so her words may not reach Ravenmist like they are intended. But, Crowpaw wouldn't just sit back and watch while her clan, leader, and friends fell apart around her if she could help it.

"You know, you are free to tell me if I'm speaking out of term. If my advice isn't welcomed you just have to tell me. I know people think i'm out of line when I walk around spewing all these words to people as if i'm someone important. I know i'm not someone important besides the facts of being an apprentice. The only thing that makes me special is that i'm your apprentice. So, if you do not want my advise and think it's not my place to talk about it then let me know. I know i'm no elder or a council member to you and it's probably more Ravenmist's job to speak with you on stuff like this. But, you are my mentor and the only one I consider friend. So if I can help I will." she frowned looking at the older tom wondering if he too thought her out of control for her actions and words when she wasn't anything of a high rank to be saying things like that.