Where Am I Going, Where Did I Come From, What Am I Doing.... (solo)

(follows soon after this topic.)

Pounding. It filled his head as he ran, his paws pounding against the earth almost as if he was trying to outrun the thoughts in his head, or those at the border, ginger pelt and blue eyes swirling in his head. Starlord. Starlord. The name pounded in his head, an agonizing cry he couldn't shake. His eyes squeezed shut with the effort, as if trying to wring out what he knew. Starlord. Father. No. Pressure built in his head, rushing to a crescendo.

He tripped.

Grass and hard ground hit his body, or his body hit it, tumbling over for a moment, like he had only a short while ago, before.... He lay there for a moment, the only sound the panting breaths in his ear and the wind, suddenly cold, rushing through the undergrowth around him. Nothing, nothing. No, he wouldn't remember. He could push it away, he'd done it before. The cold clawed through his pelt, sending a sudden shiver down his spine, sparking a chain of memories no matter how hard he tried to push it away. A dog, a paw, a cat with a determined look shining in his blue eyes rushing down to him, and blood.

Why? In his shivering, the question suddenly burst in his mind, like it was etched in a bloody claw scratch. Why?! A snarl pulled at his lips as he sat up, huddled near the root that had tripped him up, under the branches of a bush. Cold empty land stretched to his left, running over rolling hills leading endlessly to the horizon, and faint spikes of mountains. He turned his gaze away, claws digging into the dirt as a deep breath filled his lungs. No no. Don't think. Don't remember. But he did. Blue eyes, warm and loving, looking into his as they explained the answer to the question he had asked in all of his young naivete.

He had blue eyes, like the sky, or a deepest river. He loved you when you were born, and he named you Strom, for the current.

A sudden bitter laugh - his own bitter laugh - broke the hissing of the wind in the branches and grasses around him, startling him to open his eyes again, against the maelstrom of emotions swirling through every part of him. Love? Starlord? He didn't feel his lips curl up again, or the flattening of his ears against his head as he glared out at the world.

Don't think. Not again, The rational, afraid part of him spoke.

What did Starlord ever do for us? What did he do to care? The other part of him, the part of him that fought and railed against every injustice he had ever faced spat back.

No, I can't face this. I can't think about it. Not now.

He snapped open his eyes, shaking his head forcefully as he got to his paws and stalked out from underneath the bush, ignoring the cold wind blustering at his pelt. Clouds that had scudded across early morning blue sky a moment before had suddenly gathered, their bellies heaving with dark grey that smelled of cold, and the chill of coming snow curled through his whiskers. No, no. Have to hunt. Bat.... Yes, something that could drive away what he was feeling. He opened his mouth, drawing in scent and hoping desperately for something he could smell, some scent of prey he could catch.

Mouse. A tingle of surprise shot down his spine, and he snapped his head around, stalking forwards as he tracked it. Well, even if he hadn't expected it, it was still welcome, even if Batbite was probably sick of them by now. He forced a faint purr into his throat, pricking his ears as a rustling noise caught at them, and a moment later a grey-brown pelt came into view, the small critter poking around near the base of another patch of scrub.

Bat will like it. Mouse isn't bad and she comes from ThunderClan. Yes, she'd like it. He crouched, narrowing his eyes as he settled his weight onto his haunches, thoughts fleeing in the face of his concentration. Bat will love it. He could imagine the look on her face already, one of dry acceptance as she asked him whether he couldn't have found something better. A faint purr, more in his mind but more genuine than the other, passed through him once more at the thought of her. He sprang, hind legs propelling him at the mouse's spot, wind rushing through his fur.

Bat was the love of his life.

Bat. Love. The name came back. Starlord.

You never loved us! Like a crashing wave, the thought spilled through his mind, stumbling his paws as he attempted to flail them out at the now-fleeing mouse, his legs collapsing and sending him off-balance. The form scurried away, and for a moment he just breathed in and out, sudden anger scorching his pelt once again. Alright, alright. Fine! The thoughts wouldn't leave him this time. This time he had to face them. The wind whipped through his pelt, whispering in his ears, like it had one time long ago, bringing him comfort in the middle of his pain.

This time he lashed out at it, snarling into its face as he stood his ground, a growl rumbling from his throat. "You... snake-heart! You lied to me! You lied to everyone! You built my life on lies! You left us!"

He could feel the ground under his claws, solid and unmoving, keeping him from being swept away by the force of the emotions writhing under his pelt. Faces flitted through his mind: Princess, Aros, Littlestream, each of them his kin. But not his only kin, anymore. "YOU DIDN'T DESERVE ANY OF THEM!" The wind caught his yowl, whipping it away into nothingness, and he gritted his teeth, his eyes stinging from the wind howling in his face as he remembered the look Mottledspark had given him when he turned up in StarClan and immediately called out for Starlord. "Now I know why Mottledspark didn't like you, and he was right. You never cared about my family! Jaystar was right to take us away from you! He knew what I didn't - he loved us more than you ever did. All you ever did was leave us, you never loved Mum, you never loved us!" A snarl passed his lips again.  "You just moved straight onto the next she-cat, the next family! And you didn't even care enough to stay with them! What kind of fox-dung do I have for a father?! Why did I get you? Dark stars, Mottledspark would've been better that you!" He spat. "Jaystar was better than you!"

A red mist had almost fallen over his eyes as he yowled into the wind, and he found his chest heaving as it faded, blinking his eyes to clear them of the blur that had covered them. Starlord had never deserved his tears. All this time.... His tail lashed behind him as he remembered burying his face into the worthless excuse for fox-dung, the flood of tears he'd never shed falling onto that cat's pelt. The thought almost made him sick, now.

"I wish someone had told me earlier," He growled, turning away from the wind to stalk further into the bushes near the abandoned barn. "It would have stopped me from caring about you, and thinking you cared about me. I should have left your body to rot where it lay, with all the dog-dung it deserved."

"You know what?" He stopped, the cold keening through his pelt and leaving his heart as cold as ice. "You're not even worth yowling at. You were never worth anything to me."

The words felt oddly... good... to speak out loud, but no smile twitched at his maw. Just a cold hardness that had crept into his eyes, turning them into drops of freezing glass, sharp and cutting. I need to hunt. We need to eat.

Strom attempted to catch mouse and failed, using up 5 SP.

Strom
20/20
75/80

The member 'Chickenwing' has done the following action : Dices roll

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'Hunting Dice' : 7

Another scent caught his tongue as he wandered, coldness like ice underneath his pelt. He turned, listening and keeping his maw half-open, and was rewarded a moment later as a faint scratch came to his ears. Automatically, uncaringly, he dropped into a crouch, his body smoothly following the movement it had been trained to and coming up onto the prey's position.

It came into sight, and he dropped into a crouch, haunches securely underneath him. He pounced.

The sudden squawk of a bird shrilled before his jaws closed around its neck, teeth biting far harder than they needed to as he savagely cut it off. Warm blood filled his mouth, and for just a moment, just a heartbeat, he wished it was Starlord's. The call echoed in his ears, and around his cold heart, his teeth hesitating in the bird's neck for just a moment as the murderous desire tempted him.

A sudden blast of icy cold sent something blowing straight into his face, freezing wetness tingling on his muzzle and bringing him springing back up with a sharp inhale. What- he shook his head, pawing at his face and looking up to see small drifts of white floating through the air between gusts. Snow? It... it hadn't been that long, had it?

A glance down brought his eyes to catch on the mangled form at his feet, red blooming around it and seeping into the ground from jagged holes in its neck. He twitched a paw back as the red spilled onto the edges of the white fur, tinting it red. I.... He shook his head, shivering as another gust of cold wind ran prickling claws over his fur and skin. I never should have gone out. I never should have left. He slumped, tiredness running through his veins in place of the ice that had filled them before.

What am I doing....

The emotions that had rocked him still lurked within his heart, the anger, the grief, the whirling cold. "Why did you leave everything? Why did you leave us? You couldn't have cared for us for just a moment?" The words came out in a whisper as he shook his head slowly. "Were we worth nothing to you? Did Littlestream mean nothing to you?"

His thoughts came back to Bat, a spark of guilt running up his spine for a moment as he remembered the cold thoughts of a moment ago. No emotion, nothing but cold anger that had somehow spilled onto everything, even those he loved. He couldn't let Starlord, the cat he had once called Father, change him for the worst. Or he might end up like him.

Maybe he already had, dragging her out here like this. What have I done? She had a family, a life back there, and I took her away from it.... He shook his head again. We've been out here for moons, and no one's come. No one came out.... Raventail had been the only one to even come close, but in the end he'd still left, back to his Clan.

He lifted his eyes, tracing the white drifts spitting from the sky. What has any of this done? Nothing - it had done nothing.

And it all came back to that cat, that ginger and white, blue-eyed cat who had haunted his life ever since he'd known about him. Maybe this had just been an attempt to get closer to his "father," to learn more about him. Well, he'd learned more, alright. The worst parts of the figure he'd idolized. I should've known.

He shook his head, kicking dead leaves and bits of branch over the bird, carefully avoiding looking at the wounds in its neck. A bird wouldn't feed them both, and it was best if he caught something other than mouse, just to keep things fresh. Thoughts still nagged at the back of his mind, though, more thoughts he needed to let out. They can wait. I'm going to do this for Bat.

Strom caught bird, using 5 SP

Strom
20/20
70/80

The member 'Chickenwing' has done the following action : Dices roll

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'Hunting Dice' : 2

He padded through bushes, branches scratching over his pelt, cold blasting in his face whenever he came out into the open. The sight of the barn caught his gaze as he came out of one patch, and he turned, heading away from it, a twinge of guilt playing on his mind. I can't go back yet. Bat shouldn't see this.... What would she think, knowing about his father, knowing about him? The thought of her sparkling green eyes closing on him sent a spark of fear down his spine that he did his best to shake off, shivering as another gust of snow-dusted wind cut through his pelt. I'm nothing like him. She would understand. But he didn't turn back. Hunt first

It seemed that everything was out today, possibly to get in a last opportunity to stock up on much-needed food for leaf-bare. He took a deep breath, drawing in the scent as best he could as another cold blast shook the branches and leaves around him. Over there. Turning, he headed deeper into the bush, following the scent and placing his paws carefully as a different rustling grated against the rattling of leaves and sticks in the wind.

A small form came into view, tail trailing behind it as it poked around at the ground, and he froze as it sat up on its haunches, cheeks noticeably bulging, its nose twitching at the air for a moment. It went back down, and he settled his haunches, keeping his tail utterly still. Just another heartbeat... let it settle for a moment. He exploded forwards, his back legs kicking up a spray of leaves and twigs as he pounced. It didn't manage to make a sound as he came down on it, teeth neatly intersecting the back of its neck, cleanly killing it and leaving as little a mark on it as he could, unlike the bird he'd just caught.

He sat up, eyeing the fat, striped rodent for a moment, the scent from its still-warm body drifting up his nose. It was a good one, nice and plump. Not as good as the rabbit he could have caught, but still good. Still, he sat, not moving, cold drafts creeping in
through gaps in the branches around him. What was he waiting for?

Mum.... His head bowed, a sigh slipping free of his maw. She was the only one of his parents he could truly say had ever loved them, now. The only parent he could really call that. "Did you even think when you left us for them? Or did you just do it because you could, and nothing mattered to you?"

He shook his head, a slight growl rumbling out of his chest. Why am I even asking this? He can't hear me - he's dead. Maybe some part of him still believed that Starlord rode the wind, flying free to look down on them all. He snorted at the thought. "It's like Mottledspark said: you weren't interested in anyone but yourself. You'd rather wander than care about us."

Cold anger still burned somewhere inside him, but it was fading, replaced by the tiredness of facing yet another betrayal. But he wasn't ready to let it go just yet. Wasn't ready to go back to the barn and try to pretend everything was alright. Maybe, in time, he could forgive Starlord, but that time wasn't now. Instead, he sat there, in the bush, the cooling body of his prey at his paws.

Strom caught Chipmunk, using up 5 SP.

Strom
20/20
65/80

The member 'Chickenwing' has done the following action : Dices roll

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'Hunting Dice' : 5

He didn't know for how long he sat there, tired anger simmering under his pelt at an old, dead cat he'd never known. With a growling sigh, he finally shook himself, looking back up at the prey he'd caught, only the faintest hint of warmth coming from its pelt. Bat.... How could he tell her this? Would she even understand? Another thought slipped in under the questions.

Do you care enough for her to tell her?

The hairs along his spine rose at the thought as his tail lashed behind him. Of course he did, she was his friend, the best friend he'd ever had, and more than that. And yet.... His head turned almost of its own accord in the direction of the barn, where she'd probably already woken, maybe wondering where he was. If he did tell her, he risked a rift opening between them. If he didn't, he risked turning into... into his father.

"No," He growled as another draft of cold air wisped in. "I won't be like you, Starlord. I won't turn away from my friends, my family. You made a mistake; I'm not going to follow it."

Glaring up at the branches above him, he stood, tail slowly and purposefully lashing from side to side behind him. "I'll be a better mate than you could ever have been. Stars, I'll be a better father than you. That mess of a legacy you left behind for me? You can take it right back; I'm not going to live in it anymore. My path is my own, and I'm going to live free of you and the shadow you always cast on me." His fur bristled, eyes narrowing to slits. "You know the name you gave me? I'm keeping it, but not because of you." Strom, the name he'd been given, and taken pride in. The name he'd used to connect himself to his father, that had helped him feel closer to the absent tom - the name his siblings had used, and he'd given his friends as a nickname to call him by. "I'm going to keep it because it means something different to me, and to those around me. It's not yours, and it never was. It's mine."

"I'm Strom. But I'm not named for you, or the current."

The wind gave one last gust that he ignored as Strom picked up the chipmunk, its scent drowning out those of the breeze and the bushes around him as he made his way back to where he'd buried the bird. He would tell Bat, no matter what it cost. Hiding it from her would hurt worse than telling her. Besides, the last ties to his past had been cut, and he didn't need to keep it hidden anymore.

He knew where he'd come from, he knew what he was doing, and now... it was time to head towards where he was going.