Successor of Fate [Closed]

There was a heaviness to the air as Foxfire stood outside of Spottedstar’s den, eyes on the ground as he tried to run through what he was going to say. He...He wasn’t happy about this choice, he felt like he was letting everybody down but...He couldn’t handle it anymore. He had to… He was more willing to deal with the shame that would scorch his pelt from his Clanmates disappointment than the burden he was forced to bear. “...Spottedstar?” he called out softly, raising his head slightly as he perked his tattered ears - waiting for a response. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”

OOC: Directly follows Fake Happy

It seemed that things were finally cooling off - not literally, as the weather had already become cold and snowy, but politically. Sure, things were still prickly with ShadowClan, but with neighbors like the justice-driven ThunderClan, Spottedstar hardly expected a retaliation... unless that rat-faced foxheart, Lynxscar, ever showed his ugly pelt again. Then the SkyClan leader might just reignite tensions by killing the miserable whelp himself. But for now, things were at a tense calm. He rested in his den, alone for tthe time being, and considered dozing the day away. It was a good method for forgetting troubling thoughts. Spottedstar's eyes fluttered closed just as Foxfire's voice sounded outside.

The spotted tomcat sat up, shaking the sleep from his body, and meowed back to Foxfire and invitation to enter. "Yes, Foxfire, come in." When the deputy settled himself, Spottedstar looked at him with a weary glance. "We've done alright, the two of us. This Clan was a mess when we inherited it... it might still be, but I'm proud of them. How are your injuries?" He asked, gazing over Foxfire to see if he'd healed from the battle. The young leader himself still bore a multitude of claw marks and tooth marks, gently masked with herbs that he'd wished Sagelight had saved for someone else.

Foxfire gently padded in, gaze low as he tried to put on a brave face. He didn't want to say the thought that was burning in his mind and the leader's proud words of how much good the two had done together made him hesitate even more. He blinked, doubt sipping the energy from him as he found the words dying on his tongue. How...How was he going to admit this? He didn't want to crush Spottedstar's spirit but...There wasn't any other options. "I'm...I'm fine," he managed finally, giving a soft smile as he shifted on his paws. "My wounds are recovering well and aren't a bother anymore. But...Uh...I-I wanted to talk to you about something," he said, swallowing as he tried to force the words from his lips.

"I want to..." there was a moment of hesitation as he stared at Spottedstar, the words catching in his throat for a second. "I-I'm sorry...I am stepping down as deputy," he uttered and as the words left his mouth, he felt the weight of everything crash on him as he sank onto his haunches. A heavy sigh escaped him as he hung his head, giving it a small shake. "I-I'm sorry, but I just...I don't think I can handle it any longer. Its nothing against you - or SkyClan, its...It just isn't right for me. I've tried to grow into it, to be the deputy everybody thinks I am but...I can't. I can't be happy, I just...I can't. Every time I think about it, I feel like I am at war with myself with the doubts that I'll never be good enough and...And I just want to be a warrior again. I need to be a warrior again before...Before...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for but...I'm just not right for the deputy spot."

He fell silent, letting his confession - his resignation - hang heavily in the air as his ears slicked back, slightly raising his gaze to try to get a read on Spottedstar's reactions to it all. He hated it, being forced to come to this conclusion, this...Outcome. But he just couldn't be the deputy that everybody thought he could be - it just wasn't him. He couldn't fake his smile any longer, he couldn't bare to go on with the worry that sooner or later he would perhaps break. He wouldn't blame the entire Clan for being disappointed in him - he was disappointed in himself but... He just wasn't cut out for it. He just wanted to be Foxfire, normal warrior of SkyClan. He was more terrified of what he would do to himself if he didn't more than the fear of disappointing others...

And that scared him even more.

"Oh."

Foxfire's resignation was clearly unexpected. Spottedstar wanted to push back, to counter that Foxfire still had time to grow into the deputy he could be, but the leader remained silent. The younger tom's spirit had obviously been broken by the war, the wounds he suffered, the expectations on his shoulders... things weaker cats would have fled from before even attempting them. Spottedstar didn't know how he could communicate to his former apprentice that he hadn't let him down, not even once. He'd always been a bit of a timid cat, and the leader had hoped to harden him a little bit, but it seemed like it would be in the deputy's best interest to... well, no longer be deputy. A reluctant leadership was not leadership at all. Spottedstar's mind flicked to Mistyrain - not that she was reluctant, but that she had simply been uninvolved. The realization was bitter, and the stinging failure of having picked an ill-fitting deputy was unpleasant, but Spottedstar didn't let these things tumble out of him.

Instead, after a few moments of silent thinking, the leader nodded. "I... see. I can't make you be something you're not, and I don't want to force you into anything. You're my friend, Foxfire. I want you to be happy serving SkyClan, and if that means you'll be a warrior, then fine. I'll... find someone else, I guess. StarClan will show me who." He shifted, amber gaze wandering to the wall of his den. "I think maybe one day you could be the cat SkyClan needs. But if that's not today, that's okay. And if it doesn't ever happen, I'm sure someone else will come along who is. So I guess I'm saying you have my blessing." He offered an uneven smile, an act of reassurance that was shadowed by his disappointment. Foxfire was lucky. Not everybody could drop their responsibilities so easily.

There was a long silence as Spottedstar started speaking, fear closing Foxfire's throat that he could barely breath as the leader went on and...He....He was okay with it? He...He wasn't angry? Disappointed? Slowly, tears started to roll down his cheeks as he stared at the leader, barely holding back sobs as a soft, weak smile flickered across his face. "I...T-Thank you, Spottedstar," he murmured, raising a paw to scrub at his face. "I-I wish it didn't come to this, I wish I could be the deputy that you...That everybody wanted me to be but...I-I just don't think its meant for me. T-There are so many other cats who would leap at the opportunity to be your deputy a-and I wanted to wait until things w-were calm to do this. B-But I'll forever be faithful to you and SkyClan, Spottedstar. Not as your deputy, but as a warrior and... T-This opportunity taught me a lot about myself but...I think I'm meant to be a warrior and that is fine with me. I-I'll continue to serve until you make your choice and announce it to the Clan," he added, swallowing as he steadied himself on his paws.

There was part of him that knew it wasn't as simple as that, that certainly there was some part of Spottedstar that was disappointed in his choice but...As he saw it, this was the best he could do. There had been so many options that had come to his head about how to escape his duties but...As much as he hated it, he was loyal to SkyClan. He couldn't run away from it all, he had to face it. There was plenty of other cats in SkyClan who would be a far better deputy. He wasn't ready to see how the Clan would react in large - if the other deputies would see his actions as cowardly but...If he wasn't meant for it, was else was there to do? It had become clear that he wasn't going to grow into it - he couldn't. He...He was going to destroy himself if he remained, even if he couldn't find the strength to admit that part of his choice. This was for the better, for both SkyClan and for himself. He just hoped that the rest of the Clan would understand that.