What's Worth Fighting For? [Closed]

A battle... Foxfire sat curled outside of the warrior's den, gaze fixed intently on his paws - which were in the middle of making fine lines in the cold, brittle ground with his claws. He had been aware of the border skirmishes that had been happening since he had been attacked - some caused by ShadowClan, some by them... A deputy for a deputy, all steaming from revenge for Redwing...But it was clear that the focal point of all of these fights starting was him. StarClan, they were fighting over him. And now there were going to be a proper duel! He couldn't believe that Thornstar had sent a messenger to alert Spottedstar, that she wanted a one-on-one duel to settle things. The Clan was aware, details were being planned out and...He hated it. By the stars, he hated watching his Clan prepare to fight, ready to fight. He didn't want to see them hurt because of him - but they were. They were ready to go to war because he had been roughed up - rather badly, he did suppose - by a unknown ShadowClan cat.

...He wasn't worth it. No way in the Stars was he worth it. He had felt the pain of nearly dying, he knew how lucky he was but...He didn't want his Clanmates to feel the same.

Not for his sake.

So far, Wolfpaw had made it unscathed in the chaos that had become SkyClan over the last few days. Even with his mentor out of commission, he'd kept up his apprentice duties without complaint, hunting for the elders, cleaning out bedding, and tacking on to whatever border patrol he could manage. He was so desperate to keep himself busy, to be an asset to the clan in this time of distress, that he was running himself ragged trying to just stay moving, because if he sat and relaxed for more than a moment, the truth would catch up with him.

The truth was, Wolfpaw was terrified.

He tried not to think about it - about seeing Foxfire's body crumpled in the middle of camp, bloodstained fur glistening wetly in the moonlight, about not knowing whether his mentor would live, or die. But mostly, he tried not to think about the upcoming duel, between Oakstar and Spottedstar. The thought of the SkyClan leader, his father, fighting possibly to the death, terrified him more than he could even process. He couldn't lose his father, the clan couldn't lose their leader. It just... couldn't happen.

That's what he was telling himself as he made his way into the camp, paws dragging, tail slumped, and a fat squirrel hanging from his jaws. Immediately, the apprentice noticed Foxfire outside the warrior den. He brightened just a tad - Foxfire looked good. Well, as good as he could, given the circumstances. At least, not like he was going to die any time soon. Wolfpaw padded slowly over towards his mentor, dropping the squirrel near him and nudging it closer with his nose. "Have you eaten?"

Foxfire had heard the pawsteps but hadn't bothered to look up from his claw marks until the familiar voice of one of his apprentices reached his ears. He paused, sheathing his claws as he glanced up at him with a bit of a surprised look...Before glancing down at the squirrel. The rumble in his stomach at the sight reminded him that he hadn't - he had been to distracted worrying about the upcoming battle and also who to send out for patrols that it had slipped his mind. "Ah...No, I haven't yet," he murmured softly, before his gaze fell back to his paws.

He wasn't sure what else to say. He wasn't the same cat that Wolfpaw had known - his energy had faded with the recent events. It...Just felt easier to focus on his duties than anything else, to try to bury all of his guilt and worry with what the Clan needed from him. Patrols, apprentice ceremonies, keeping tabs on the apprentices, whispers of worry with Spottedstar of what was about to transpire... He didn't feel himself anymore and he wasn't sure what he could do to regain that kindle of life. And so he paused, clearing his voice somewhat awkwardly. "You've...Been keeping up to date with your training, right? Sagelight has given me the all clear, I'm fit to resume my proper duties and so we can hopefully finish up your training soon. Before..." he drifted off, his voice breaking a bit as his claws sank into the ground beneath him.

He didn't want to face the upcoming battle.

"Of course I have," Wolfpaw replied softly, offering his mentor a weak smile. "It'd be better with you, but healing is more important... and I'm glad you're starting to feel better." He let Foxfire's unfinished sentence hang there, reluctant to address that it had even been spoken. Wolfpaw knew what his mentor meant. He knew that there was war brewing, and that it was unavoidable - too much blood had already been shed in the name of this conflict. No matter how badly both of them wanted it to not escalate further.

Wolfpaw pushed the squirrel closer, his intention clear to prod Foxfire into eating it, and then settled down beside his mentor, grateful for the warmth that spread between them. He dropped his chin to his paws, amber eyes wandering to the camp entrance. [color:c706=##ffbb00]"It's not your fault, you know. Any of this." His voice was barely above a whisper.

There was a light smile that tugged at his muzzle as Wolfpaw expressed his pleasure at actually training together. It was weird - he had certainly taken for granted going out and training - it had been one of the few escapes of his deputy duties, allowing him to pretend he was just a warrior again but...It was hard to deny that now, the responsibilities after having countless sunrises of just having to think of what he had to do next for his Clan. "Its been weird not training with you and the others," he admitted lightly, although his voice wasn't as perky as he would have hoped. He had done some training with Deerpaw - he hadn't managed to get a single training lesson in before he had been attacked and nest-ridden in Sagelight's den for so long. But...It wasn't the same. Not anymore.

He glanced at the squirrel as it was pushed nearer, gently reaching out to pull it closer to him but he didn't take a bite - simply staring down at it as Wolfpaw settled in next to him. He wish he had more words to say, to act like things hadn't changed but he wasn't sure how to do that anymore. How to be...Himself, anymore. A heavy sigh escaped him as he simply stared at the limb squirrel that was growing colder by the second, his ears perked slightly at Wolfpaw's gentle whisper.'Its not your fault.'

Wasn't it thought? He might not have been the one that had done the maiming but he was the one they were fighting over. There was no denying that the extra border skirmishes was directly caused by him getting injured. It...Alright, maybe it wasn't his fault in some way but he couldn't sake the idea, the dread that it was. Sure it was the unknown ShadowClan cat that had started it but...Stars, why couldn't he just agree with Wolfpaw - why did it have to feel like it was all his fault. "Maybe, maybe not," he finally murmured, his tail-nub twitching as he helplessly shrugged his shoulders. "I just wish you wouldn't...I don't want to see any of you guys get hurt," he bemoaned softly, his gaze shifting even further away from his apprentice - unwilling to meet his gaze. "I've never wanted to see you guys get hurt, not by accident and most certainly not for my sake. I might be deputy but...I'm hardly worth the effort at all. I survived, I'll recover. I'm...I'm not worth fighting for."

Something very akin to anger flared in Wolfpaw's eyes at Foxfire's self-depreciating comment, but as anger was such a rare emotion for the dark apprentice, it startled him just as much as it would any cat who knew him. He dug his claws into the ground, ears flat, and fought the rising tide of roiling emotions within him for several long minutes. And then he picked up his head, meeting Foxfire's gaze, and for the first time looking very much like the young almost-warrior he was, rather than the naive apprentice Foxfire had saddled himself with a few moons ago.

"You don't really think that's true, do you?" His tone was not unkind, but it held an air of mingled discontent and melancholy. "My father picked you to be deputy because he trusted that you were the right cat for the job - that you would stick by this clan and do everything in your power to protect us, no matter what. And you have." Wolfpaw's voice dropped the edge, growing softer. "The clan is only doing for you, what you would do for us. And that's the way it's supposed to be."

The worst thing was...Foxfire did think it was true. How was he worth picking fights over? He had been an idiot and had left the camp by his lonesome and gotten nearly killed - he was lucky that the ShadowClan hadn't decided to follow him to finish things, he never would have outrun her. But he was alive and somehow, that made it all the worst because he was there to see his Clanmates come in sporting wounds that they had gotten in revenge of what had been done to him. He didn't want it. He didn't want any of it.

Besides, was he truly the right cat for the job? What good had he done as deputy? Sure he had managed to train Wolfpaw and Stormpaw just fine but that was something any warrior could do - what good had he done as deputy? He had barely managed to not be attacked in their own camp because Basilpaw of all cats seemed to calm down the ShadowClan leader. He had been attacked and had barely put up a fight, not able to describe his attacker in any details other than she was dark-furred and smelled of ShadowClan. And if Wolfpaw knew the recent thoughts he had been having, the doubts... No, he wasn't sure if was the best cat for the job but there wasn't anything that he could do about it. Not with the threat of ShadowClan breathing down their back.

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. "I'm...Sorry. I shouldn't drop all of this on you. I guess...I've always been terrified of the idea of seeing you all get hurt. I just can't stand the fact that it all seems to be for me. I've never been the best at anything, I...Like to think I am just normal but it feels like everybody expects me to be something I not and...I don't want you all to be fighting for somebody you all think I am." He fell silence, staring down at the squirrel as he finally leaned down to take a bite, letting the silence fill the air until he swallowed to finally appease his grumbling stomach. "I just...I'm not sure, I guess. About this. Any of this. I want to do my best but...It just feels like so much to handle...But I'm deputy and so I am forced to just accept the weight of everything."

"You're not alone in any of this," Wolfpaw said quietly. "You have me, and I'll do everything I can to help you. But it's not your fault, Foxfire. ShadowClan did this. ShadowClan started this. If it hadn't been you out there that got attacked, it could have been any cat. They're out for blood and they don't care who they hurt."

Wolfpaw's ears flattened, and he leaned into his mentor as gently as he could to avoid jarring his injuries. A nervous purr lingered in his throat and he swallowed hard. "I might be biased, but I think you're a great deputy. And I'm very, very thankful you're okay."

There was a long silence as he stared down at the ground. But if it had been any other cat, would they been so willing to fight over it? If he hadn't been deputy, would they be so insulted in his attack? Deputy for a deputy. The words haunted him, wondering if it had been planned - would that ShadowClan cat have attacked anybody who fell into the trap? It wasn't like he was hard to mix up with another with his lack of tail and bright pelt. He...Stars, why did he feel this way? He hated it, the fact that he wouldn't just...Accept what Wolfpaw was telling him. It was as if part of him knew that Wolfpaw was telling the truth, that it wasn't all on him to feel this weight, this burden but...

He also couldn't ignore the voice in his head that claimed it was all his fault, that he wasn't worth it. That he... His ears perked a little as Wolfpaw purred lightly, calling him a pretty great deputy. "I...Thanks, Wolfpaw. I'm pretty thankful that I am going to be okay as well," he added with a slight, if somewhat forced purr as his own. He slowly tried to drive down the negative that wanted to well up inside of him, instead focusing on what he did have - the presence of Wolfpaw with him. "Hopefully we'll be able to finish up your training soon. I've also gotten to focus on Stormpaw and Deerpaw but...I'm sure you will be a warrior before you know it...And I'm looking forward to getting to see how well you have improved while I was healing."

"I'll be traveling to the Moonstone with my uncle, soon," Wolfpaw told him, the tip of his tail twitching. He wasn't sure what to expect from that, but knew it was something that each apprentice must do before they became a warrior. Wolfpaw didn't know too much about StarClan, only that they were the spirits of the warrior ancestors that came before them. He gazed into the sky, wondering if StarClan was watching them now. And if so, how they felt about this war between the clans.

He would be a warrior soon, he knew that. But part of him also dreaded it. He'd gotten so used to having Foxfire to lean on - physically and metaphorically - that he wasn't sure how he felt about doing it on his own. And the thought of having an apprentice of his own, well... that just scared him all the more.

Exhaling long and slow, Wolfpaw rubbed his cheek against his mentor's shoulder, and then dropped his head to his paws once more, eyes drifting shut. He didn't want to admit how tired he was, but right now he was content enough to attempt to rest for a while, before he was back at it again.

Ah, right, the Moonstone... Foxfire nodded his head, slowly realizing that it truly meant that Wolfpaw would be getting his name any day after he goes. There was always experience - he was rather sure both Beanpaw and Swanpaw had both gone to theirs but things had never lined up well enough for them to actually get their name...Hopefully soon. "Right, right. Its certainly something, I'll tell you that," he murmured, pausing as he felt the weight of Wolfpaw on his shoulder. He glanced over at his apprentice, giving him a long stare before he continued to speak. "The entire experience is pretty amazing, mostly getting to really see the other Clan's territories. Like...The moor. Not a tree in sight - just a wide-open clearing of hills. Its a bit terrifying to be honest..."

Slowly he went on, detailing what Wolfpaw would come to expect in his Moonstone - of the sights he would see and a slight insight on what StarClan would have for him, not that it was the best picture as he was certain it wouldn't be the same as what he had seen. He felt himself relax into Wolfpaw's form, a bit sadden as he dimly acknowledged that Wolfpaw was soon going to be a warrior. Goodness, it had seem so short ago but...He supposed he hadn't been able to really see his progress while he was stuck in Sagelight's den. ...Would Wolfpaw be a warrior by the time that Thornstar had set? Would he be once of the cats that Spottedstar would call to support him. Would he... His felt his heart dip, his words dying for a few seconds but he pushed it down and continued on with his story.

No, it wasn't the best time to think about what would be, what could be. He...He needed to think in the present, to focus on what he did have. If he thought about the many different outcomes that the future battle could hold...No, it was best to dwell on that.

Not when he had today to worry about at least.

OOC: End of topic~