Serrated Nostalgia {closed}

The snow had melted a little from Leaftwirl's visit with Sunflower. As impromptu as it was, the meeting had caught her off guard, leaving the she-cat wondering. Was SkyClan in trouble? If so, what was she doing here? The tabby pawed at the mouse by her feet, watching as its small form rolled in the snow. It was certainly better than the hard pellets that were served in the twoleg nests, however it reminded her of home. This area of the twolegplace was vast, a wide clearing free from any structures. Dried ryegrass sprang from the frost, and snow would often slide down the fence line into the white powder below. The she-cat smiled and picked up her frosty catch from the ground. A pine tree grew from the patchy area of nature. She ducked her head under the branches, finding a quiet serenity below. No snow resided here, and Leaftwirl purred as she remembered her adventures. Bliss, and voluntary ignorance.

The she-cat didn't have time to play the game of right and wrong. She didn't think of home or of Sunflower's visit. She was happy, and there was nothing to fault in that. Her prey was frigid but it tasted fine, fleshy in her maw as she reached down to bite. Leaftwirl's ears would prick at the passing of monsters or the bark of a dog. However they all seemed distant in her little world under the tree.

Pawsteps were less expected, however. And ones by Sandblaze were even more elusive. The warrior watched for a moment, swearing to recognize those cream tabby legs a little ways from her tree. Mouse abandoned, Leaftwirl ducked out into the frost once more, stunned by what she saw. Sandblaze, alone, coated in scars. "Sand...?" Leaftwirl squeaked, edging closer warily. Never did she expect to see a fellow clanmate in a place like this, Sunflower had been rare, but Sandblaze, Sandblaze was mythical. Of course Sunflower had told her of the troubles in SkyClan, but what was her clanmate doing out here? "I..." Leaftwirl struggled with her words, yellowgreen eyes creased in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

The days following his encounter with Amberdawn, who he now called Marmalade, were very slow as he began to recover. His scars still stretched uncomfortably if he dared to smile, though he couldn't really do too much of that. Each day, he woke up and thought of a new way to relieve her of her duties. To him, her act of charity was pity he didn't deserve. Arno felt lonelier than ever, without a single member of kin to his name. They cursed his name, the dead name that echoed in his mind with every pawstep. His reflection made him wince. He felt ugliness wrapping around him, a dust cloud of sin trailing him and staining his pelt. Melodrama and a very misty brain blurred the days and nights together in a never ending stream of hopelessness. He spent most of the time wandering, climbing on tall things to hear the twoleg kits scream with excitement. They called him many names, none of which he understood. He understood only two twoleg sounds: "Marmalade" and "outside," for when they were spoken together he knew his friend would come trotting out into the yard, the little jingly rock bouncing on her blue collar. He tried to decipher the sounds made by the gaggle of raggedy-looking twoleg kits who followed him around Old Twolegplace on his escapades. They made a lot of clicking noises and motioned with their bare paws as if beckoning him. It was so bizarre that he couldn't do anything but tilt his head in curiosity.

Those same twoleg kits sometimes fed him, and they didn't seem too scared. From bags they would pull strange bird meat that he had never tasted before, coated with a substance that was grain-like. It reminded him of Marmalade's pellet food. He would tear the coating open and lap at the delicious meat inside. "Nugget," they said, which Arno decided they must've been calling him. He meowed at them and they giggled. It was quite a fun game, but they were wary as they followed after him. Only once did the smallest one try and scoop up the former warrior, and she paid dearly for it. The scratch marks were still healing on her little chubby arm. They reached a red twoleg nest, and for no reason other than his own entertainment, he decided to get to the top. Beside it was a tall, spindly tree, with dastardly branches that scraped the heavens. With a wiggle, he leaped up into it, quickly sprinting to the top, shuffling across, and jumping off, landing squarely on the cold, rock-like top of the nest. From the bottom of the building, the twoleg kits bounced. "Parkour," they said. Another name, he supposed, another sound that held no meaning. He sat down and felt the sting of cold "metal" on his belly fur and pondered the meaning of names. SkyClan, StarClan, Code, treason, murder, depression, violence, war... What was a marmalade, anyway? Then again, what was an arno? What was he? Who had he become?

Arno wondered what he would do when Leafbare came to finally rear its ugly head. A piece of him dreamed, as he descended the "metal" roof, that he had not found Marmalade that day. He wished that he had found a twoleg who would have shown him mercy and given him that much-sought-after sleeping death. It was spoken of like a forbidden thing, but as with all forbidden things, it was what he craved most. Then again, snakebite? Thunderpath? Deathberry? What did it matter? Arno figured living as a fugitive was worse than death. More than anyone, he wanted justice for Redwing. She was dead because of his own hubris. Now, as he walked from Old Twolegplace back to the fence that marked the end of the forest, he wished he had grown up sooner. Though he was a young, jubilant cat when the name Sandblaze ceased to exist, he now felt grizzled and too responsible. His scars made a lovely mask.

The last thing he expected as he wandered aimlessly was a quiet whisper. It was so quiet he was sure he had imagined it, because if somebody spoke that name in this place, death must be sooner than he previously thought. Against his better instincts, he responded to the old name of his, turning to find the source of the noise and matching eyes with Leaftwirl. His heart leaped up, caught on a few hundred words, and for the first time all day he had to conduct some critical thinking. First, he shushed Leaftwirl a little too loudly, owlish eyes blinking like she cussed in front of a kit. Don't mention Marmalade. Find out if she's alone. Cut and run if need be.

Mental checklist complete, Arno looked away from his former clanmate. "I... I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about," he lied, "You must be mistaken. Aren't you a clan cat? I thought clan cats knew that coming here by themselves is a dangerous idea." His question implied more than he said, and as Arno tested the waters his eyes darted around, ready to escape. He would run to the forbidden nest if he had to, even though he would never come out with his life. He scented the air, desperately seeking out the scent of other SkyClanners right behind her. He couldn't remember Sunflower's exact scent for the life of him.

Leaftwirl narrowed her eyes at Sandblaze's strange response. Her head cocked to the side, tail flicking slowly in their moment of silence. "Sandblaze…" She eventually spoke, breaking the strange quiet. "Don't be silly, you're here by yourself. It's me Leaftwirl." The she-cat felt a worm of suspicion find its way into her belly as she pondered on why her former clanmate would wish to hide his identity. It seemed strange, however for a moment she doubted her intuition. With a closer look, the small she-cat noticed the large scars scouring Sandblaze's eyes, he seemed strange, different somehow. And that SkyClan scent that had held strong to Sunflower didn't coat his fur as thickly as it once had. Was this Sandblaze?

"You're hurt..." Leaftwirl breathed, wanting the tom to trust her. "I don't know why you're so jumpy... really. Has something happened to SkyClan? Sunflower visited a few days ago, I haven't seen him since I left SkyClan. He mentioned trouble with ShadowClan. Are they stealing prey? That'd be typical of them..." The she-cat wanted to go on. It had been a while since she had held a conversation with someone of a similar mind. Sunflower had visited, sure. But that meeting proved to only bring discomfort and regret. She had shoved it out of her headspace, wanting to keep her snowy garden sacred from all things that didn't meet her quota. The kittypets only had questions, and were somewhat lazy. Leaftwirl never told that to their face, no. But oftentimes their conversations about almost catching a bird were dull compared to her experiences with catching dozens. Not one to brag, the she-cat would sit and listen, making some excuse about having to leave early. Her search for Amberdawn had proved fruitless ever still. And Peaches hadn't turned up either. Maybe the tortishell went off to join a clan. Lonliness was not something the she-cat thought she'd have to worry about. And in fact, time away from all the dawn patrols and prying eyes was much needed, she couldn't ask for it all.

"I'm sorry... it's been a while. What are you doing in the Twolegplace Sandblaze? Oh! I caught a mouse if you'd like to share." Gingerly, the former warrior gestured to underneath her pine tree. She ducked in gracefully, finding a warm seat, peering out from beneath at the sandy tom. Hopefully he'd join her.

Arno's fur prickled a little at Leaftwirl's approach. Her face was open, inviting, and layered with pained confusion. She wasn't scared of him at all! Arno dropped his gaze to the ground, turning over his mind for answers. His brow furrowed with the effort of drawing an explanation from thin air. It was impossible that she didn't know what he did... unless nobody ever found out. Unless nobody knew it was him. Finally, he looked back up at Leaftwirl. Maybe she really didn't know why he left. Sunflower told her about trouble with ShadowClan. Well, then. He really had bitten off more than he could chew, after all. Silently, he sat down beside her, clenching his jaw tightly and looking anywhere but Leaftwirl's face. Think, think, think.

Finally, something legitimate to tell her crossed his mind. "You must've been here a while, if you didn't even know about ShadowClan. It... it was my fault." The cream tom dipped his head and took a bite of mouse. It went down like a mouthful of rocks. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away who I was. I got in a lot of trouble with ShadowClan. It was awful. My siblings were going to pay for it, so we scattered. I've been in hiding." Arno felt strange, as if witnessing a monster crash. One happened at the other end of Twolegplace, and it was apparently the most interesting thing that happened to the kittypets for the rest of the season. He didn't get to see it, but he imagined this collision of his past and present was not unlike the feeling of being between two monsters hitting each other. He had no idea how much to tell her. Was she still consorting with Sunflower? Could he trust her? Could he trust anyone from his past? After all, Amberdawn remained in the clear only because of the blue collar that bound her to the twolegs in her nest.

"Are you planning on going back, or are you like me?" Arno blurted out softly, his tail sweeping uncomfortably around his body. His fur was returning to its normal shine under Amberdawn's diligent care, as well as his gruesome scars, which were currently painful scabs. It would have made him happy to notice, if he weren't in such a sticky situation.

"Oh Sandblaze… that sounds bad." Leaftwirl stared at her paws, gaze lifting slightly to watch the mouse now open and smelling fresh. Her hunger couldn't tackle her worry. Sunflower had been too... angry to properly portray the trouble SkyClan was facing. It was strange to think of her former mate as angry - she didn't think he had such a thing in him. She had underestimated him too many times, but that was beside the point. Leaftwirl scooted forward and stared into Sandblaze's eyes, wincing at the scabs that now coated them. "I don't know if I'll go back..." The she-cat whispered, almost scared of coming to a decision. "I'm happy out here, there's no one to impress and no duties to worry about, and the twoleg food isn't so bad..." She dragged the mouse toward her and took a hearty bite, purring as she negated her own words. "Allph thoughm mousf is betfer!" The warrior swallowed and giggled, pushing the mouse back to Sandblaze.

It was so easy to forget her problems, and even though the small worm tickled the back of her mind, she'd press it back again and again. Leaftwirl was happy. "Are you not going back Sandblaze? I'm sure Spottedstar can defeat ShadowClan, he'd definitley be happy to have you once more, I'm sure! Unless you want the peace and quiet too... I wouldn't blame you..." A silence set in and more snow fell outside their tree cover. It laid down its head quietly onto the vast white blanket, the sky pale and the monsters slumbering. A shout of a twoleg kit could be heard a ways off. Leaftwirl had seen their games before. Oftentimes they'd through balls of snow at one another, it reminded her vaguely of mossball. They wore colorful pelts and fuzzy hats. The she-cat almost felt bad for them, having to wear all that cloth due to their lack of fur. It reminded her of her own kits and their fate in SkyClan. She needn't worry about Tinystar's treachery any longer, and opted to force the small white tom out of her mind. "Do you ever miss your siblings Sandblaze?" She asked abruptly, breaking the quiet silence. "Er - I assume it's been a while, you say you've been in hiding like it's been moons. I miss my kits. Is it so wrong? To be happy?"

Arno smiled as Leaftwirl chewed her catch with vigor. It was nice to finally... connect. The worst pain came from knowing that he had been too caught up in his tomcat vices to truly know another. Even his siblings felt like distant figures, stitched to his side only by the mutual understanding that there was no other cat containing their beautiful blood. And beautiful it was. Tinystar would never see that, even if StarClan had revealed it to them all in all their wisdom. It was no wonder that their message came through Arno's smallest brother, Ridley. He still remembered that little kit's name from so long and far away. He remembered everything now. The mist had suddenly cleared, blown away by this whirlwind of a place. But was it home? Was it happiness? Was Amberdawn a suitable replacement for those he knew in his past life, the one he gave up so his siblings could move on without him?

"Well," Arno started with a sigh. "You're right about a lot of things. I wouldn't need to worry about the accident. I could explain myself to SkyClan, and my siblings would find peace in the clan that raised us. Everything would be alright again, and I'd have support. An entire community that fights for each other. Clan life is beautiful to me still. But, you see..." Arno stood for a moment, engrossed in a revelation he had never vocalized. His eyes fluttered shut as he spoke again. "Sometimes, I stand on the top of a twoleg nest, where the smoke comes out. It's warmest there, you see. And on that first frost? Oh, you wouldn't believe how it looked at night. The snow capped every nest and a great silence covered the thunderpaths. Each and every nest came alight, illuminating the world like a reflection of the sky. And that... that's what SkyClan looks like, in my memories."

Arno sat down rather slowly, his dreamy eyes opening. He was back under the tree. "But eventually, you come down from the top. It's cold and dark again. It's no more special than any other night in Twolegplace. The world comes back into focus. And I know I would never be happy if I went back."

And yet, when Leaftwirl asked the hardest question, Arno knew he had an answer. It had been brewing inside him all this time. His paw was calloused and dirty, but his touch was gentle as he placed it over his former clanmate's. Though he knew it was impossible, he nearly felt his father speaking through him. It was a funny thought to have.

"For the first time in my life," Arno whispered warmly, "I belong no to one but myself. My happiness is mine to have. I don't have to earn it... from anyone. My siblings went their own way, to be their own cats. I love them more than anything. Even if I never see them again, I still have them in my memories. I would never deprive them of finding the same joy I've found. They chose one way, and I chose the other, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can have that joy, Leaftwirl, whether it's here or there. You can find it with your kin or on your own, but the point is that you have to choose it." Was this peace? Arno chuckled in spite of himself. He had no regrets left. He would make peace with his mother and brother, send them on their way, and then he would live. By StarClan, he was going to revel in every wild escapade, each morsel of twoleg scrap, and every sunny Greenleaf day. He was going to live until the day came that he could finally rest and join his brothers and sister in the stars above. He still believed. He still had work to do.

"I'm Arno now, and Arno makes me happy. It took me a long time to realize how miserable I was, and even longer to realize it didn't have to be that way. It's taken some trial and error, but... after I gave up everything, I finally found a way to love who I am." Arno shifted his gaze and fully looked Leaftwirl in the face, a mix of urgency and encouragement shrouding his eyes. "Please, don't stop until you find your way."

"Arno." Leaftwirl sniffed, eyes glazing over. The paw Arno had placed over hers seemed to instill a mission there, a cause. She smiled deeply and gazed into her friend's eyes. "It's a wonderful name, it suits you." And then Arno called for what suited her. Whether it was a path to love, or her way into a better life. She nodded and promised to herself to find beauty in herself and the world, as Arno did. Leaftwirl imagined the rooftops he spoke of, she imagined the freedom he now held. "I needed this, Arno. You have so much wisdom, I... I will find my way, and I won't forget you. We all deserve joy as you said, and no one will take that away from me."

She purred and placed her muzzle on the top of his head, a friendly gesture. The words spoken here had meant more to her than the very trees. The warrior stood, stepping back, wiping the frost from her whiskers. "I'm going back to SkyClan, to find my kits, to let them know that I'm safe and free. And after that, I'll return to the twolegplace. I'll sit on rooftops and be joyful. Perhaps we'll see each other again." Leaftwirl flicked her tail and clambered out from under the pine tree, face rising to the sky as she giggled at the snowflakes. The world was vast, and she was free. Her joy belonged to herself. And no one would ever take that away.

"Arno." She spoke, turning around to meet him. "Thank you, for everything. Keep being free, and happy. And I'll do the same." She gave the former warrior a large grin, nodding respectfully before bounding off into the snow. A journey lay ahead of her. But she was Leaftwirl the loner. And she was free.