Sleepless [closed]

It was hard to describe the pain of losing an apprentice. Ferretnose took it as a personal responsibility. Had she been more careful, or more strict, or more observant, or any combination of things, maybe Duskpaw's sister would still be alive. A piece of Flintfang, a cat who was held so near and dear to her clanmates' hearts, died that day. Now, it was night, and the moon crept over the treeline. It was still raining. StarClan forsaken rain. A small stream of old blood. She shivered. Death wasn't hard for her to stomach, generally, but Hazelpaw rocked her to her core. She let everyone down, and the body that was buried by the elders was there as evidence.

The warriors were probably growing sick of her weeping. She shook out her pelt, shuffling out without disturbing Beartooth and Harefoot, who tended to throw themselves along with Ferretnose into whatever sleeping arrangement could accommodate twelve legs. The she-cat tended to be more proper, but these ever colder nights demanded some intense squishing. When she finally wiggled out, another fearsome sob took her front legs out from under her. There was less conscious mourning, so why was she still crying? Why did her chest still hurt? With one last glance at Beartooth with her good eye, she remembered the first and last time she had seen him with such terrible pain and sadness. She sighed. That family felt cursed sometimes. With her mind on Flintfang, it dawned on her precisely where her paws were dragging her. With a few more heaves of her chest, she squeezed into the den of the two medicine cats. Pricklebush was dear to her heart, but Mossbloom would understand better. They were on a more similar wavelength. They dealt with the same aches and pains.

"Dear, are you awake?" Ferretnose called out with a warble. Nearly her entire face quivered with mourning as she slowly eased herself down to sit nearby. "Sleep isn't coming. It's... her. Hazelpaw. It's my fault. I should have kept her more tethered. I let her go out on her own. It was absolutely stupid. Now she's gone. I don't know what to do. I let her sister down, her clan down." Flintfang is clawing me to shreds from beyond the grave, she thought to herself. She didn't say this out loud out of respect for Mossbloom's own trauma. It tore at her heart all the same.

The news of Hazelpaw's death had come as a shock, and Mossbloom couldn't help but regret the choices she had made. Perhaps if she'd gotten closer to her sister, she would still be alive... Did she even know they were sisters? Probably not, her lips had been kept carefully sealed... It was no secret that she had been raised by Flintfang and Falconwing though. Had it truly never come up? The rain was still pouring down, dripping off of the overhanging ferns uncomfortably to her back. It had been a shock, watching as Hazelpaw's body was brought into camp. Thoughts of an attack were quickly confirmed, and identified as a foxes teeth grips. She sighed, placing her head on her paws. Why was their family plagued by such tragedy? Was it always going to be this way?

The familiar sound of pawsteps in the rain raised her head. Her green eyes searched the dark shadows, the rain affording very little light. She didn't need to see the cat approaching though, as the soft, mournful sound of Ferretnose's mew sounded. She seated herself in one of the nearby nests, and Mossbloom pulled herself to her paws and moved to the mourning she-cat's side. The expression, paired with the sorrow in the voice of the friendly cat, revealed her woes before she voiced them, but Mossbloom listened, placing her head on Ferretnose's shoulder.

There weren't any herbs to heal a heart, just as there wasn't great words to try to guide one traversing the fields of tragedy. So, she listened. Once Ferretnose had stopped talking, she hesitated a few heartbeats. "Ferretnose, there was no way you could have stopped her. You could never have tethered her down. She and Duskpaw are one and the same in that manner. No one could have known, and any one of us could have gone with her. It's no more your fault than it is mine." Mossbloom swallowed hard, nuzzling the she-cat's shoulder with her head gently. "It's hard, I know. I've blamed myself for many deaths, Dewpaw, Lightstep.... Flintfang.... There are times where StarClan has our time cut short, for whatever strange reason they have."

These things were so hard to try to explain, to try to heal. They never truly did, really, did they? "Her presence will be missed terribly by us all, but she fought to the very end. She wouldn't want us to mourn her forever, no matter how badly we want to. Her time with us was far too short... But she certainly made a lasting impression on those around her. You and myself included. She'll walk with you, always, Ferretnose. Would you like to stay here tonight? We have plenty of nests, and I'll stay with you if you'd like to keep talking."

"That would be nice, Mossbloom. Thank you," she said in a hushed whisper. She picked a nest close by, pawing at the moss and situating herself in the most comfortable position she could. "I know it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible. She had nobody but her sister. I could've made her feel at home, maybe. I don't know. I couldn't imagine how it felt to watch somebody you cared about die... not until today." Her head rested on her forepaws as she listened to the gentle chirping of bugs outside the den. Talking about Hazelpaw was exhausting her mind. She couldn't change what had happened, and Mossbloom had a very good point: she wouldn't want them sitting on their haunches mourning her forever. Besides, there was something else pressing on her mind that had been plaguing her. There were some things she couldn't share with everybody, even if she desperately wanted to. Pricklebush was somewhere nearby, she was sure. She groaned softly to herself. He was going to raise the Dark Forest with a single claw when he found out who she had been... socializing with.

"I'm about to ask you for advice," she said matter-of-factly. "And you can't say a word to Pricklebush, or he'll throw a temper tantrum that rivals that of a Gathering. And I don't want to deal with it until I'm emotionally prepared for it!" As she searched for the right words, Ferretnose tried to steady the fluttering beat of her heart. "What do you think of Beartooth and Harefoot?"

"Of course, Ferretnose." She waited as the she-cat moved to a nearby nest, situating herself comfortably, before moving to her side and joining her. The nights were cold, and while there were no herbs to heal the heart, company and time could ease the pain. The she-cat rested her head on her paws and Mossbloom slowly, soothingly began to rasp her tongue over the warrior's shoulder and back, grooming her quietly. "I know exactly what you mean. It's a harsh, cruel thing, really... Not all are as fortunate as others, myself included. The forest can be a dangerous place...." As she blinked, the image of her father, no, Duskpaw and Hazelpaw's father, impaled by that gnarled tree root came in clearly.

Resting her head on the she-cat's back as she tried to ignore that image, she quickly raised it upon hearing the groan, inspecting the area she had just been. Had there been an injury she missed? A quick look-over revealed nothing, but the Ferretnose broke the silence again herself. Blinking in the dark of the night at her words, confusion and concern raised the interest and worry that was mixing within her. Ferretnose was asking her for advice? Pricklebush adored Ferretnose, what in StarClan would make him cause a fuss when she was involved? Still at her side, the fluttering heartbeat was quickly noticed, and Mossbloom waited somewhat patiently, not sure what to anticipate.

"Beartooth and Harefoot?" She echoed quietly, hardly above a whisper. This had taken an unexpected turn, and for a moment she was totally confused. Why would she be asking her for advice about two toms- oh. Oh. Her side shook once, with the smallest of chuckles. "Beartooth is a gentle tom, under his big claws and poky teeth. He makes great mossballs for kits, you know. He's quiet, and strong, and a good warrior. He's a good cat, even if Pricklebush seems to think otherwise. Harefoot.... I'll admit, I don't know much about Harefoot. He's a good warrior from what I can see, smart and quick-witted more than the brute strength of Beartooth. He's got a good mind, they both are wonderful."

She rested her head back on the she-cat's shoulders gently, keeping her voice low. "Why do you ask?"

Ferretnose's heart lurched a little as Mossbloom went on quite a lovely tangent about Beartooth. She didn't blame the medicine cat for not being well-acquainted with Harefoot, soft-spoken and reserved as he was. "Oh, if you only knew him!" she gasped dramatically. "You wouldn't know it, but he has so much to say, and he's the kindest tom ThunderClan could muster up. He doesn't hide it, either. Augh, he's such a good... friend. Friend. Good friend." Ferretnose's ears drooped as she felt herself get more and more flustered.

"If it wasn't obvious enough, this is a tom-related issue. First of all, the day Beartooth talks about his emotions is the day this entire forest burns to ash. Second of all, Harefoot and I can barely look at each other for more than a moment before one of us gets all... weird! And I don't want to be weird! Be less weird, me!" She finished her meandering and frustrated tangent with a gentle plop of her cheek on the top of Mossbloom's head. "And I don't want to pick, either. Picking a side sounds ridiculous, when I care about them both so much. I mean, they're both attached to each other at the hip, so that's not the issue, it's the talking. Why is talking so hard?"

Mossbloom laughed silently to herself as she listened to Ferretnose talk about Harefoot, warmth and genuine happiness for the she-cat blossoming in her heart. She seemed to really care about the tom, and Mossbloom hoped that the two would be happy together. As she spoke about Beartooth again though, realization hit like a stone. She cared for both toms? Blinking in the darkness, Mossbloom nodded, her head still resting on Ferretnose's shoulder. As the she-cat's head plopped on top of hers, she agreed with her comments on Beartooth. The tom was not one to really open himself up, but there was clearly something there, Beartooth didn't just... hang out.

"Perhaps it's hard because you are in love? I mean, Beartooth shows his emotions in other ways. He spends time with those he likes spending time with, even if it's mostly silence. He'll go out of his way to come check in on you, or make room for you. As far as Harefoot, being weird sometimes is just a part of who both of you are. Clearly, neither of you have a real problem with it, otherwise you wouldn't spend the time together to get that weirdness. Does that make sense?" She mewed, keeping her voice soft to try to avoid waking Pricklebush. "Oh Ferretnose, I just think you're in love. Not with one or the other, but with both. And I think they feel the same, even if they are probably too mouse-brained to realize it themselves. You'll have to lay it out for them clearly, or they'll never recognize it. I don't know much of anything about love, but from what I've heard, Ferretnose, I think the three of you should talk and be completely honest. And who ever said that you should have to choose? If you're open and explain everything to both of them, I see no reason why you would have to."

Ferretnose huffed softly, her sudden understanding released on a breath. Of course. Mossbloom, in all her beautiful insight, managed to unravel one thousand nights worth of pondering in just one sitting. Everything tended to muddle itself as soon as it entered the brown tabby's brain. Round and round and round, like eddies in the river from when she was an apprentice. Round and round and round, the things she had seen. She was very lucky to have such good friends. Lynxtail, Mossbloom, Harefoot, Pricklebush, and Beartooth were always on her side, supporting her in their own unique and fascinating ways. What a lovely clan she had. Blinking slowly and thoughtfully, Ferretnose made the conscious decision to let them in.

"I think you're right, dear," she murmured softly. Ferretnose gently licked Mossbloom's ear and started shuffling to her paws. "You always know what to say. I think I'm ready to go back to my nest... Thank you for sitting with me and talking. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here." Pricklebush's large, tan coat peeked out of her peripheral before she started to go. Ferretnose hoped the medicine cat knew that she respected him more than anything in the world. Time to let them sleep.

"Goodnight, Mossbloom," Ferretnose chirped quietly as she showed herself out and stepped into the gentle rain.