Sleepless Nights (Closed For Ink)

Falconpaw snuck out of the apprentice den, giving Hawkpaw's bitten leg a worried look before leaving. It was cold compared to the warmth​of the nests he and Hawkpaw laid in, the larger had encouraged him to sleep away from the thorn barrier of the wall and they slept next to each other so Hawkpaw could make sure he didn't sneak off to the walls. He thought about the battle, Rockthorn's remark about being a filthy rogue and how he said it on the applied to Hawkpaw. Hawkpaw's eyes when he had Rockthorn's jaws around his throat. Hawkpaw's comment on how Falconpaw could have fed many with his excellent hearing as a loner.. Rockthorn saying no one cared about how horrible Falconpaw's night were or that no one would care about Hawkpaw dying or Rockthorn's sanity. Tear streaks were dark on his face from his sobbing then, washing them wasn't very effective and it kind of hurt. He still could feel the impact from jumping in front of Hawkpaw and taking the attack. His paws still felt unstable and heavy and so did his heart. He looked around hopelessly, maybe it would have been better if he hadn't been in ThunderClan, he thought, tearing up in frustration.

Blizzardshine was resting right at the entrance of the warrior’s den, looking at the stars as her eyelids slowly became heavier. At times she just liked to do this, lie down during the night, listening to the soft sounds of the forest as she remembered times of the past shared with the cats that now watched at her from above, wondering which star belonged to them. Her most bittersweet memories where the ones belonging to her own family, knowing that almost everyone now was between the ranks of StarClan, even the brother she had looked up to since she was only a kit and still now thought as one of the greatest warriors ThunderClan ever had.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the soft sound of pawsteps, causing her almost closed eyes to go wide open and rise her head. She felt sincerely surprised when her eyes landed on the lonely figure of Falconpaw as he padded away from the apprentices den. She could easily read the feelings of the ones around her by nature, but she didn’t need that ability to tell the tom felt fairly down.

Just like always, compassion flooded the white she-cat’s being at the sight of the suffering of other cat, making her get up silently, no longer sleepy, and walk towards him with her usual kind smile even if worry showed in her eyes “Falconpaw?” Her voice, low enough to not wake up their resting clanmates but loud enough to be easily heard by the apprentice “What are you doing up this late?” She was careful to not ask direct what was going on through his mind, not wanting him to feel forced to answer or evasive. If he wanted to say what was going on he would do it on his own, and if he didn’t want to she would just try to help him through a nice chat.

Falconpaw looked up and then looked at Blizzardshine, running a paw over his face to get rid of the stubborn tears. "I can't sleep." He said drearily, his yellow eyes were as bleak as always but somehow, they held sadness he hadn't shown since his mother died. He looked blankly at the spots on Blizzardshine's pelt and noticed how her glossy fur reflected the moon. Giving his own fur a scrutinized look, he saw how dull and unkempt he kept himself. Just another reason to feel uncomfortable around the clans.

Blizzardshine tilted her head a bit, noticing the tears before he quickly tried to wipe them away. Even then, wet fur wasn’t exactly easy to hide, but she decided to say nothing about it to avoid upsetting him any further “Well, something I had learned after some sleepless nights is that sometimes talking with someone else can help” She softly meowed, sitting at his side with slow, almost lazy movements. She hadn’t interacted with Falconpaw as much as she had wished to, but when you have to juggle your responsibilities as a deputy, warrior and mentor, it was hard to interact with the whole clan regardless of how hard you wanted to and on top of that still have time for yourself. The deputy, however, had indeed listened about the nervous apprentice’s insecurities and could guess this could be related those in some way.

Her experienced eyes caught sight of how he looked at her before looking at himself, only for the already depressing aura that he carried around him to grow thicker. This caused a flash of confusion to show in her eyes for a split second and hope that she hadn’t done or said something that hit a nerve on him without realizing it, be it now or at some point on their past.

Her long fluffy tail wrapped itself carefully around the younger cat’s body, almost like a queen trying to comfort one of their crying kits, as her eyes raised to look at the stars above them “I like nights like these, when stars shine so bright they feel closer than they normally are. It’s like those who are up there wanted to reach for us just as much as we do”.

Falconpaw looked up at the sky, skeptical. "How do you know there's even cats up there?" He stiffed and quickly scolded himself for speaking so lowly of her beliefs. "S-sorry! I-i didn't mean anything by that." He sighed an shook his head. "I've just been so uncertain about things, I'm I'm just in the way. StarClan seems bleak too, I guess. It's hard to feel like you belong when you know you were taken it out of pity." The tom mewed, slouching. He looked down at the ground under his paws.

Blizzardshine just smiled as Falconpaw tried to apologize to her for doubting on her beliefs “I was born in dark times, Falconpaw. The time of the black skies and blood moon the elders talk about actually existed. During my full time as a kit and apprentice, and even as part of my early warrior days, when I looked up at the night sky all I could see was darkness and a moon that was as red as the blood that goes through our veins. A time that ripped apart my best friends and even my own brother from my side. Back then I also doubted, I couldn’t fully wrap my mind around the idea of benevolent cats living in the form of stars that never appeared in the night sky or that allowed such things to happen to us. It was when all hope was lost that I saw them. Cats with starry pelts coming through our aid, driving the darkness away and returning the moon to the beautiful silver color it is now” Memories of the Dark Forest reign flashed across her mind, from the painful loss of those that once had been so close to her to the time when she saw her brother again with stars on his pelt “I saw them, I touched them, I spoke to them and now I know they are watching us from above”.

Her eyes went from the night sky to the apprentice at her side, glad that she had at least managed to help him calm down enough and glad he was sharing what was bothering him, or at least part of it “Have you ever stopped to think that you don’t fit in because you don’t let yourself do so?” She asked to the apprentice with a gentle smile “The clan itself already accepted you into their ranks, gave you a mentor, a name, friends. We wouldn’t have done so much if pity was our only motivation…why don’t you fit in then?”.

Falconpaw thought about the question, "Friends?" He shook his head, the two cats he spent his time with were literally at each other's throats two nights ago. "I don't know what keeps me f-from fitting in, I thought I-i was starting to b-but.." he grit his teeth. "I rui-ruined it. I thought I had Rockthorn and Hawkp-paw by my side but th-they nearly k-killed each o-other!" He strained to keep his voice down. "F-from the moment I g-got here i-i started problems.. Esp-especially for Rockthorn. N-now this! H-hawkpaw might b-be thrown ou-out and th-there's n-no way Rockth-thorn will forgive m-me for defending Haw-hawkpaw. I-i don't talk to anybody be-because I ru-ruin lives.."

Bu mp

Blizzardshine looked at Falconpaw with sad eyes as he told his story. Things definitely weren’t going well for the young tom lately but what worried her the most was the fact that he was blaming himself for actions committed by other cats. She would need to have a couple words with Hawkpaw later “Falconpaw, just because they got in a fight it doesn’t means it was your fault Rockthorn is a passionate cat that rarely thinks before acting, even before you arrived he had already caused some trouble because of this, so you are not to blame for how he is or the path his life took. That was dictated by the path he decided to take as a reaction to the bed things going on with his life” Rockthorn was quite unstable and even Darkstar, who had tried very hard to put him on the right path but without much success, could tell he was becoming a pawful lately.

“And, about Hawkpaw…” Blizzardshine took a deep breath, she was expecting the ambitious and brave cat that she knew as Diesel to have a bit of a culture shock, but this was clearly becoming more troublesome than she expected and she would need to help him to walk the right path if he didn’t want to get in trouble later on “I don’t really know what kind of ideas Bear filled his young mind with, but I think those were way more effective than I anticipated. I can understand why he would clash like this with a cat such as Rockthorn perfectly, but you didn’t pushed him to battle him at all. Whatever he did, it was completely on his own free will and guided by those ideas that are still strong in him” She gently nuzzled Falconpaw to try and help him to relax, or at least let go of some of the emotions that were torturing him.

“If Hawkpaw gets in trouble, I promise to stand up for him, he will not get thrown out. And how are you so sure that Rockthorn won’t forgive you? Have you at least tried to talk with him yet? If not, I think it would be a good idea to not jump to conclusions, as doing so tends to only carry worse consequences than if you tried to actually find out what they would really do or say” Her words were soft and slow, trying her best to let Falconpaw hear, process and understand her advice. It was true that helping him out from his insecurities wouldn’t be done in one night, but she hoped to be able to help him in some way.

“And just so you know, you will always have a friend in me, Falconpaw”

Falconpaw slumped into her nuzzled, as if he had grown weary from the thoughts in his head. He had no escape from it at night when he couldn't sleep. "I-i wish I thought l- like you." He meowed, "Yo-you've got it a-all figured out. No- no wonder you're de-deputy." The apprentice said with a hint, just a bit, of astonishment. "I-i still was a fa-factor in it," he returned to the topic. "Haw-hawkpaw fought Ro-rockthorn after he le-learned about Rockthorn.. you know.. Maybe i-i can help th-them somehow. It-it will take time, they're different in too m-many ways, Rockthorn c-called him a f-filthy rogue a-and H-hawkpaw sees him a-as nothing more than a cr-criminal. I w-wouldn't know where to start.."

Blizzardshine chuckled and shook her head calmly “Don’t think like I do, find your own way to think Falconpaw. It’s the differences between all of us that make life worth living” Her eyes drifted towards the apprentice’s den, wondering how Hawkpaw was dealing with this. It was true that she was not exactly happy to know that he was getting in fights this early on, but she was also worried on how this would influence the young cat’s future “I wish I had it all figured out, but I don’t. If I did I would’ve been able to prevent many things and maybe even helped many cats to take a better path than the one they are walking…I’m just trying to do the best I can using the experience I had earned during all my moons of life”.

Her gentle eyes landed on Falconpaw as he spoke once more, allowing him to speak without interruptions as he out his ideas together and turn them into the slightly insecure words tat left his muzzle. As soon as he was finished Blizzardshine smiled proudly and nodded, approving of his choice “Taking a choice like that proves you’re growing up to become a great warrior, Falconpaw. Helping two factions that are currently at war to reach peace, even if they only consist on one cat each like right now, is never easy. I would advise you to proceed with extreme caution, get to know their motives and versions of the story behind what they did far beyond the rage-filled words thrown at each other during their fight. Only once you do that you’ll know what you’re dealing with, and then you will know where to start” Taking a deep breath, she lowered her gaze. She would need to look for Hawkpaw and take him away from camp to a more private place to speak as soon as possible after sunrise, and maybe later do the same with Rockthorn. If she wanted any chance to help any of them she couldn’t allow external forces to be involved…or worse, to get them in a fight again “If you ever need any advice of feel you lost your way, feel free to come to me and I’ll do my best to help, ok?”

Falconpaw nodded, another shaky sigh leaving him. He was making a big choice? How was this big? Perhaps it was his mother's​ attitude that somewhere,inside he had a weak flame of defiance towards watching the two cats ruin their lives over such subjects as her death and Hawkpaw's blood. Blizzardshine's approval made him feel much better about it all, like he was finally doing something right. It wasn't really any different than what Diesel had for Bear but, the requirements where less gruesome... He looked up at the partly cloudy sky and squinted at the moon. "Y-you'll try to help me?" He asked, his gaze drifting down to his skinny body.

"T-then there's a-another thing.." Falconpaw mewed, "I-it must s-seem stupid but.. I.. I-i'm uh.." he shook his head. "I'm d-deathly a-afraid of blood." The tom finally said it. "T-that's why I d-don't eat m-much. H-hawkpaw t-told me h-his mother lived o-off h-herbs w-when his father w-was kidnapped a-and showed me w-which ones to u-use but.. I-i can-can't look like th-this anymore!" His face felt hot from embarrassment and he wanted to disappear after saying it but, he needed to. Blizzardshine was the only stable thing in his life even if he avoided bothering the deputy. She was an island in a storm, like the concrete that had kept he and his mother out the snow. She was it, Hawkpaw cared genuinely but there was nothing he could think off that ensured he would stay here. Rockthorn was far too close to the memory of his mother right now and he was clearly beginning to lose it. What he'd do to just have his mother back, he'd be blind and deaf, he would give up his limbs, have permanent hunger, anything! He was so lost, hopelessly lost. Looking away, he blinked back tears for a moment and the looked to the she-cat for her response.

Vupm

Blizzardshine smiled at Falconpaw and nodded as an answer to his question. Glad that the young tom was willing to let her be any kind of help “We are clanmates and friends Falconpaw, that’s what we do” She purred softly.

However, Falconpaw’s next words to her completely off-guard. She had noticed that Falconpaw wasn’t in his best shape, but she had never guessed that it could be related to something like this. Now, it didn’t mean she couldn’t understand why he would feel the way he did, not after being brought to camp covered in his own mother’s blood some moons ago…but not being able to stand blood to the point of not eating properly? This was really serious and for the first time Blizzardshine started to doubt if she would be truly able to help another cat…but she was going to do her best, she wasn’t going to give up just because this was a kind of problem she had never had encountered before.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to think on what she could do to help Falconpaw without forcing him to a situation that would only worsen things “Being afraid of blood is not a bad thing, even fully trained warriors like me and leaders tend to have this fear. However, we need to help you find a way to regulate that fear so you can grow like any of us. Tell me, how exactly do you feel when you try to eat a piece of fresh-kill?” Part of her wasn’t sure if she should try to get Sparkflower’s help in this…but would the medicine cat be able to help at all? Well…asking never hurt anyone, right? She would just try to understand this fear a bit better to have her own starting point.

"Sick." He answered her, "I-its like n-nervous sickness." He added. He thought about it more, every time he saw blood he just hated it, it made him jittery and nauseous. Giving her a doubting look. "I-Its o-only gotten b-better w-when I can't see it, I-i eat at night o-or really early if at all. T-the smell and t-taste get to me but i-i tolerate it a l-little bit more that w-way."

Shoort))