Drifting Ever Backwards [Solo]

There was something about the crisp night air that was so refreshing, causing Honeypaw’s fur to prickle as she silently nosed her way out of the apprentice den. It had been a pawful of sunrises since her Moonstone and she knew that soon, her father would call the Clan together and make her a warrior. She let out a soft, happy sigh as she walked along the wall of reeds that formed the border of the camp.

She was far too excited to even think about sleeping, instead wanting to focus on the question of what her warrior name would be. It was so hard to come up with an answer, there was so many different possibilities as she ran through the options. The ending of the names were either based on personality, skills or just...General physical traits. She spared a glance at her side, noting the yellow fur that seemed so dim in the moonlight.

She definitely could be named Honeypelt or Honeyfur, that was for sure…It was harder to put a claw on what skills she had as she shifted her mind onto those types of names. She...Didn’t really have any in her mind to be honest. She was able to catch fish and hunt just fine - nothing worth naming her after. Honeyheart, perhaps? She supposed her kindness was a good trait.

Honeypaw spared a glance to the side, halting as she realized she had mindlessly padded her way to the warrior’s den in her small circling of the camp. There weren’t many warriors, to be honest but the number was slowly increasing - in fact she was certain that Redmask was cured up contently in there, having been lucky enough to be named a warrior before her and Tigerpaw...She couldn’t help but be jealous but she also acknowledged that her training had been delayed when Hailsong had disappeared…

She sighed at the thought of her first mentor. It had been so confusing to wake up one sunrise and realize that her mentor had left without a word - taking on an important mission to hunt down some foxes that had drawn too close to the camp...Only to never return. Her tail swished as it curled up against her, part of her hoping, praying that Hailsong was still alive and would walk through the camp entrance one day…

But it had been so long, she had given up and accepted the worst - something had happened to Hailsong and she was never returning. ...Was she in StarClan? Honeypaw’s gaze shifted up to the stars that formed Silverpelt, glimmering and dancing in the dark expansion that was the night sky. She was certain that if her mentor had perished, she would have ended up there so did that mean she was watching her? ...Was she proud?

She shook her head, trying to focus on a better topic but at the thought of StarClan, she couldn’t help but think back on her Moonstone. To be honest, she was still in somewhat disbelief that she had seen StarClan herself - she had always believed in them and she had heard stories about how apprentices would go and meet a StarClan cat but...She hadn’t truly believed that, thinking it a simple kit-tale. StarClan was only meant to speak to medicine cats and leaders, why would they talk to a simple cat like her who was about to become a warrior?

And yet… She had seen a starry pelt with her own eyes, heard words of wisdom from Flowerpetal’s mouth. She had seen StarClan as an approachable she-cat, happy to give advice and ease Honeypaw’s burden - much like the path that Honeypaw wanted for herself. She was able to express her doubts on her path, if she had the right dream...Only to have them relieved when Flowerpetal confirmed that her paws were in the right place. She was to be there for her Clanmates, to lighten their spirits and ease their burdens - that the smallest things to cheer them up could do so much. The thing she had slowly come to realize over her time as an apprentice was what she was meant to do. It felt perfect.

But…

She couldn’t help but fret over one thing that kept being asked in her head. She was supposed to be the light in the darkest of times for RiverClan, to help relieve the burdens that would weigh her Clanmates down. But how was she supposed to do that if she was suffering from the same burden? She knew that Flowerpetal had expressed that she didn’t always have to be positive but… She frowned, finding herself walking once more as she couldn’t stand to think about this and stay still at the same time. It hurt enough just to see her Clanmates grieve but if she was also grieving with them, how could she be there for them - how would they know to approach her if she was caught up in the same grief? She had to be strong! Somebody they could turn to…

Her gaze shifted to Mistlepaw’s den as she stopped not far from the entrance of the den, silently hoping her restless patrol of the camp wouldn’t awaken any of her Clanmates. She had yet to speak to the medicine cat apprentice since her Moonstone journey - she had promised to lend an ear when Mistlepaw was up for it, she couldn’t approach first, in case the medicine cat wasn’t up for talking about her feelings at that moment. They were both suffering through, she was certain about it. The deaths and disappearances weighed heavily on both Mistlepaw and Honeypaw.

While Hailsong might have been Honeypaw’s mentor, she was Mistlepaw’s mother figure. While the death of the Clanmates were heartbreaking, the medicine cat had been the one who had failed to save them despite everything she tried. But how was she supposed to support Mistlepaw when she was caught up in the grief that differed, but felt much yet the same? Her tail lashed in silent annoyance, shaking her head as she forced her paws to move again.

She couldn’t. That was the simple answer - she couldn’t be a light if she was wading in the same darkness as her Clanmates. It wasn’t that she had to be better than them, she just...She couldn’t let that light be dimmed by grief, could she? She wouldn’t know when they would need her, she had to be always be strong. Perhaps… Her eyes shifted toward the willow roots that her father’s den laid under. She had to be like him. She had yet to speak to him about the recent events, to see how he was doing...She wasn’t sure if he was truly her father anymore - was that familial relationship something that could be salvaged from the weight of leadership? She wasn’t sure and it hurt.

It hurt so much that she wasn’t sure if she could truly call her family her...Well, family. Her father barely spoke to her, to busy with being a leader to make time. She never found the opportunity to really chat with Tigerpaw and Redmask - mostly now that Redmask was a warrior and their responsibilities laid further apart… Everybody was so busy with their lives, she couldn’t help but wonder where her place was in all of that. But still...She admired Torrentstar. He was strong, not afraid to make the hard choices like he did with Dacepaw at the Gathering. She wasn’t sure if it was the right choice - certainly that could have been handled better but she had no idea what had been going through his head and she was sure he was doing his best with so many eyes on him for the first time.

She was sure the burden of leadership was hard but he hide it so well - although perhaps she had just failed to spend enough time with him to see the truth. So perhaps she was to hide her own grief, bury it down and keep the bright attitude she loved to show her Clanmates so much. As long as the Clan survived, what did her feelings mattered? Her ears slicked back slightly as these thoughts ran through her head. Her family didn’t even have time for her. Salmonburn, who had taught her how to fish, had disappeared the sunrise after gaining his warrior name without a word. Death and disappearance was everywhere in RiverClan and she had to be there for them. Her duty to her Clan was all that mattered. If she was to be there to support and help them in the darkest of times…

Well, perhaps her own feelings didn’t truly matter.

She turned, tearing her gaze away from the leader’s den as she made one last cross of the camp, heading back to the apprentice’s den where she belonged. She couldn’t let her emotions get the better than her, she had to be strong. Hide her grief, swallow it so she could appear strong and be there for her Clanmates. It would be hard, she was sure but she had to be strong, for them. What was her own feelings when it came to her Clanmates? She...She didn’t expect anything grand from herself. She wanted a peace for the Clans and she had doubts that she could create such changes herself...But if she could be there for her Clanmates, raise their spirits while hoping for peace...Maybe her personal feelings would be a small price to pay.

She lowered her head, ducking into the apprentice den as she silently padded and collapsed into her nest. The simple realization felt heavy on her mind, making her tired and crave the simple gentleness of sleep. She curled tightly into a ball, hiding her face into the fluffy fur of her tail as she closed her eyes.

Honeypaw hated it, the thought of what she had to do...But she silently told herself that it was for the better, to bury her grief in the face of tragedy was what was required of her. She had to be their light, to be sweet in the mist of bitterness, to be strong to carry their burdens when they were weak - StarClan had told her so.

Her feelings didn’t matter in the end.

She didn’t matter.

For RiverClan.