a fond farewell

Batbite had woken her brothers and whispered that she needed to speak with them. She needed to leave to find peace, and she knew she wouldn't feel any peace at all until her brothers knew. She'd promised, after all, to tell them if things changed. And changed they had, with a plan in place and a place in mind... She'd put off telling them, not wanting to hurt them more than she had, but she couldn't put it off any longer.

It felt more real with every passing moment, every step she took. She was leaving this place that had been her home as long as she could remember. But then, wasn't that why...? She knew this place. It was familiar, and familiarity was only pleasant for so long before it became grating.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, beginning her speech with an apology she knew she wouldn't be able to say when she was done. "I told you both, I'd tell you if things changed... They have." A soft sigh escaped her, and she looked up at the leaves of the trees above them. "I'm leaving." There was no sense beating around that bush, after all, when she'd already all but said it. "Stay or go, that's your choice... But I've made mine. I'll be at the barn near Highstones, if you ever need to find me."

Well. She wasn't leaving just yet, not until this conversation was over, but she had to give them time to understand. She hated this. She didn't want to upset them, but she didn't want to stay... Now, decision made, she could only listen and hope they forgave her someday.

The young tom jumped to his paws the instant Batbite's voice reached his ears. He wordlessly followed her out of the den and into the night, pressing against his brother's flank for comfort.

Lynxtail knew what was happening. Ever since he'd found her at the border, he had known this day would come sooner or later.
Even though the warrior had tried to deny that Bat would ever leave, he knew deep down that simply believing something didn't make it true. He had learned that lesson and seen it happen twice in his life, once with his mother, and once with Ridgelight. It was the same every time.
Cats you trust will leave you behind. This is a fact of life. They turn around and flee, and waiting for them to come back for you is a foolish, and sometimes deadly, mistake to make.

Still, Lynxtail had pushed away from the knowledge that Bat could leave suddenly, training himself to ignore it just like he ignored everything else. He buried it under his work, sweat, and hunger until it was a cloud passing over the sun, a mere echo of the promised storm. Eventually, Lynxtail convinced himself that he had forgotten the cloud was there in the first place. He pretended to be surprised when the first raindrops began to fall.

"I'm sorry." She began, and Lynx listened as the thunder began to roar. Bat was... leaving.

---

"Mama!" He called, his voice hoarse from thirst.
The first word he learned to say. It felt natural on his tongue, soothing and warm. Mama hadn't noticed that he'd managed to speak, but that wasn't anything unusual- she rarely noticed anything that they did. She was barely home for long enough to remember their names, and every new one she assigned them each time she forgot faded into obscurity more quickly than the last.
Her journeys away from the cardboard box were getting longer and longer, until the brown tom and his siblings found themselves daydreaming about the taste of milk, their paws kneading if they could coax food out of the air.
One day, Mama told them it was time to go. She lead them into the forest, grumbling in annoyance as they struggled to keep up with her long, hurried strides. "Wait here," She'd said briskly, gesturing towards a tree with wild, tangled roots and a strong, acrid scent of blood. Russet fur clung to the bark, quivering in the wind. They stayed away from that side of the tree. She promised to return soon, then turned around and left as quickly as she arrived, picking her way through the undergrowth with haste.

It had been hours. If he pretended hard enough, he could almost see the beautiful she-cat stepping gracefully towards them through the undergrowth, milk-scent following her like fog. His stomach rumbled.
"Will she come back?" The red tom looked doubtful, squinting at the place where their mother had disappeared. The siblings glanced at one another, their baby-blue eyes wide. This was definitely the longest she'd ever left them alone. "It's getting dark," One of the black ones said, a small tremor in her voice.
The brown kit lifted his head slowly. He felt a swooping, rushing pressure in his chest. The need to protect, and the strongest emotion he had experienced in his short life.
His siblings were scared. He wanted them to not be scared. He wanted them to be happy, and he wanted to stop feeling... it wasn't worrying, like what he felt when Mama left them in the box. It felt deeper, somehow, like all the worry combined into something heavy and dull. He hated it, even more than he hated the hunger that followed them like a shadow.
"Don't worry," He squeaked, standing on wobbly legs so everyone could hear his announcement. "We can keep each other safe, as long as we're all here together. Let's all make a promise to never ever leave, okay?" He waited until everyone nodded to settle back down again, secure in the knowledge that as long as they stuck together, they could make it through anything, no matter what. His Mama could leave again and again, but the others wouldn't go anywhere.

---

Lynxtail's ears flattened. This wasn't possible. It wasn't fair. It wasn't happening right now...
except it was. Bat was walking away, leaving them by a fox den with an empty promise. The barn by Highstones... It would take a full day to get there if he left at sunrise. Visiting would be nearly impossible.
Visiting. Because he knew that couldn't leave Thunderclan until his debt was repaid, and even if he owed Thunderclan nothing, he couldn't bear to abandon Copper. He couldn't be the one to leave. Lynxtail would be staying in the forest, no matter how much his instincts screamed at him to follow his sister and make sure she was okay.
But that didn't change that fact that "Why?" He mewed weakly, meeting Batbite's gaze, struggling to connect, to understand. Why are you doing this to us?

Batbite's voice rousing him awake, Copperheart's legs felt heavy as he stepped to his paws. His gut lurched. The invitation wasn't a good thing. He silently returned his brother's concern, leaning into his press as the two of them followed their sister to an isolated place.

The red tom felt like he was going to vomit. StarClan, he had wished every night for this day to never come, he had wished to forget every instance of the meeting they had all those moonrises ago, yet here he was. No matter how much he prayed, it would never will his sister away from her yearning feeling to run away. Not even StarClan was that powerful.

As her maw opened to speak her mind, what she had been longing for all this time and what she was finally about to proceed with, Copperheart felt like the she-cat was truly biting away at his heart.

"I'm sorry. I told you both, I'd tell you if things changed... They have. I'm leaving. Stay or go, that's your choice... But I've made mine. I'll be at the barn near Highstones, if you ever need to find me."

His entire body tremored. Copperheart felt like his soul was going to leap out of him right then and there, the only thing stopping it from doing just that being the truth that choked and shackled his throat. It was just like last time. He couldn't speak or breathe, the only movements his body making being the trembles he couldn't help but let out. 

Almost instinctively, his flank dropped to the ground, letting the tom sit and take in deep huffs of air. His emotions whirled back to him, his conflicting feelings forming one giant tsunami and drowning him in it. Why? Wh y? Wh- This is all your fault. Sta y calm and hap py, C opp erh eart... Calm- It's you. You're the rea son she's leaving. Does she not..?


Tears.

Why did he always have to be so emotional? He couldn't be like this, not right in front of his sister who was about to pursue her greatest dream. Right now, all he wished was for his body to obey his mind- blink away his tears and all those other emotions, stand tall, and tell his sister he accepted her choice and wish her one fond farewell. 

But he wasn't strong enough. Large teardrops ran down his cheek, choked sobs being quietly whispered from his maw. Though it wasn't how he envisioned, he shakingly stood up, his arm messily wiping away the tears from his eyes. Not wanting to say goodbye just yet, he waited for Batbite to answer Lynxtail. Hoping his siblings would read his thoughts and ignore the pitiful, embarassing show he was displaying, he stayed silent, ears perking just enough for him to hear his sister's next possible words loud and clear.

"Why?" Lynxtail asked, and Batbite paused.

The truest, simplest answer she could think of was "Why not?"

But something told her that wasn't an appropriate answer, so instead she thought long and hard, as she had many times before, and presented to them the answers she'd found for herself. "There's a whole world out there... You've seen it, too. I want to see more of it! I saw the mountains, and the Twolegplace, and so many places in-between... But there are things I haven't found yet, things that I want to find! And, more than that..." She sighed. "There are rules to being a Clan cat. And plenty of them make sense, but plenty of them don't. I want to learn and explore without limits for a while. And, who knows... Maybe, if I find what I'm looking for... I'll come back someday..."

A quick realization, that she hadn't yet shared the most important fact, crossed her mind. A realization that was quickly addressed.

"And I'm not going alone! I'm not completely mouse-brained, don't worry about that." She sat, silent for a moment, but not quite done. "I know you'll probably hate me for doing this, and I don't blame you... I'd hate myself too, if I were you. But I have to find myself, and I have to find something else, too. So all I'll ask of you - though it's selfish to ask anything at all, I know - is to remember that I'll always love both of you, whatever you think of me. You're my brothers..." You're all I have, she wanted to say, but didn't. She was sure her father, and even Oakstar, wouldn't want anything to do with her after this - after all, she was, to them, turning her back on the place that took her in. "Even if I do see you again, and you want nothing to do with me... I'll understand, and I'll respect that. But I want you to know this now, before any of that happens. Before it's too late to say."

Lynxtail pressed himself against Copperheart's side as he slowly clambered to his paws, both supporting him and leaning on him.
"There's a whole world out there..."
A world... full of danger. A world full of rabid beasts and dangerous Twolegs, starving rogues willing to fight apprentices if it meant they'd get a few extra food scraps. The world was a great wave coming to sweep him away from his family, waking up on an unfamiliar shore alongside strangers, both living and dead.

"The rules-" Lynxtail repeated. "-keep us safe."
But did they? Lynxtail didn't respect the rules of the clans out of respect and admiration for his warrior "ancestors". He followed the rules so he could stay in Thunderclan, plain and simple. He owed his clanmates and his father, and he couldn't risk being forced to leave before his debt was paid.
His tufted ears perked. They had that in common, at least- perhaps it could help him bridge the gap and talk Batbite off the edge.

He shuffled his paws as she spoke, waiting for her to finish speaking so he could chime in, talk her off the ledge like he usually did, tell her to go back to sleep and think things over before leaving. Something she said caught Lynxtail's attention, though.
"Who are you going with?" He mewed abruptly, his whiskers twitching in annoyance as Batbite paid him no mind.

The instant she finished speaking, Lynxtail jumped into action. "Batbite," He began, ready to gather everything back up and tie it together.
He faltered, started again. "Bat-"
"I-I... I just-"
Starclan.

If Bat wasn't happy here, was he doing his job? How could she thrive if she could barely function?
He took a steadying breath, drawing strength from Copperheart.
"I just... I don't want to lose you. I'm scared that you're going to go away and- and never come back.
I don't want you to leave us behind like... like she did."
Even thinking about letting Bat leave felt wrong. It was like a jarring note in a familiar, comforting tune. A broken routine. He lived for routines. Batbite, it seemed, couldn't survive in one.
"Just..." He took another deep breath. "I just need you to promise me that you'll come back, alright? And mean it, really mean it. Not like... not like her promise."

Copperheart's tenseness resided at his brother's supportive press to his side. The shakiness was still there, lingering, but the comforting lean had most definitely helped. He returned the gesture slowly, steadily pressing against the side of Lynxtail's pelt. 

"There's a whole world out there... You've seen it, too. I want to see more of it! I saw the mountains, and the Twolegplace, and so many places in-between... But there are things I haven't found yet, things that I want to find!"

Bat had always been rather curious about most things, wanting to see a cause or a reason, and Copperheart had never been able to relate to her. He could understand her feelings; of course he could, it was part of being her brother. However, it had never been him to associate his feelings in the same way. Copperheart was scared of being curious, scared of finding the cause for something. He couldn't imagine feeling the possible weight of it, the potential weight of something even heavier than the one currently resting on his shoulders. Ignorance was bliss to him. Familiarity was comforting.
This wasn't familiar, and at the same time, it was.
As siblings, Copperheart was of course similar to both Bat and Lynx in some aspects, but they weren't complete copies of each other. Bat had especially always been different to him, and sometimes he felt everything he thought was the complete opposite of her beliefs. This was one of those times, and that was why it was familiar. It would be... so likely for Bat to do this, it seemed to him. That only left him wondering: why was he still so shaken up about this?

As the dark she-cat continued on to finish, Copperheart felt complicated. He wasn't quite as sad as he was before, but he wasn't completely at ease, either. He wasn't sure how to feel.
So as both his siblings finished, he stood in silence for a moment. Lynx had said most of what he might have wanted to say. He came to the conclusion that Bat needed to hear this from both of her brothers.

"Promise you'll come back, Bat. I've... All of us have experienced separation from each other." He reflected briefly on the floods. "I don't want to feel that same feeling again, but this is unavoidable. Just... please tell us you can promise that much. That you'll come back."

Finally, now that both of her brothers had spoken, she could answer their questions. "I'm going with Minkpaw," she said softly, hoping to ease Lynxtail's fears just a little. It was someone he knew, after all.

And then they expressed their deepest fears, and the simple answer died on her tongue. 'I'm not willing to make promises I might not keep,' she wanted to say, but she couldn't. Not now. Not after realizing that they saw her as they all did their mother, so long ago... And, really, she'd say or do just about anything to distance herself from that.

"I... I will," she assured, though the words felt unfamiliar. Not quite empty, but not quite solid. "I promise I'll come back. I don't know when, but I will. And, until then... You know where I'll be. It's not like the flood, I'm not going to disappear into the sunset without a word - that's why I wanted to talk to you first. I didn't want to disappear." She sighed, having said her piece. "Now, though... I need to speak to Oakstar. I'm not leaving him in the dark, either."

...

And without anything else to say, not wanting to hear their attempts to convince her to stay, she returned to camp - specifically, to the leader's den. Not quite as frightening as facing her siblings had been, but it was a close call. "Oakstar...?"

The air was thick. A coldness lingered on the green leaf air as it breezed across the camp, as it entered his den. Rousing him from his sleep. It was cold beside him, Dustcloud had left for dawn patrol while he would be part of the evening one. His ears twitched when a voice drifted in. An odd voice… almost… shy. Puzzled, he uncurled himself and padded towards the lichen opening, smiling at Batbite when he saw her. His green eyed former-apprentice looked… worried.

His eyes narrowed as he peered behind her. Half expecting a kit to have been found in dawn patrol, but no little fluffballs clung to her pelt. He turned his gaze to her pelt, scanning it for wounds or ailments, but not seeing any. Besides, she would have seen Pricklebush for that. His assessment over, his gaze softened as he gestured towards the lichen.
"Come in, Batbite." He invited as he padded into his den. Turning to look at her once they had both passed the lichen. Familiar comfort in his gaze as he figured it must be a visit of conversation… perhaps she had seen something. Maybe crossed a border. "What would you like to talk about?"

As she followed the invitation into Oakstar's den, Batbite tried to push back her nerves. It was just... Being alone. With Oakstar, who had the power to - if he wanted - send her beyond the borders, never to return. And she was here to tell him she was leaving and didn't know if or when she would return. For all intents and purposes, a deserter. This was fine! Not something to be worried about! Not at all! "It... It's less to talk about something, and more to explain something..." she began. "You see, I've decided..." She took a deep breath. She could do this. "I can't stay in ThunderClan anymore. A-and it has nothing to do with your leadership-- Nothing to do with you at all!" she added hastily, eyes widening as she realized how it sounded. "It's me. I need to explore, I need to see more of the world... The world outside the Clans. I've seen some of it, but... There's always more to explore."

"I've already told my brothers, because they're the most important. But I thought you deserved to know, too. ...You're important, too," she added after a moment, because she wasn't just here because Oakstar was her leader. He had been her mentor, once, and she'd looked up to him. In a way, she still did, even if she didn't always show it - and that made laying her feelings and decisions out for him to judge that much harder. "So... I came to tell you that I'm leaving, before it happens. Because I don't want to lie and I don't want to disappear. And I thought you should know."

And despite how hard it was to say, now that it was done - and she'd placed her fate in his paws - she felt a little bit lighter.

As Batbite explained what was bothering her, Oakstar felt a painful pang of sympathy for the young warrior. He remembered Ridgelight, who was so adventurous, yet her own path led down a route of self-destruction and the pain of cats around her. He took a deep breath, letting the news sink into his pelt, his bones as he processed the words properly.

She was young, but she was smart. The young warrior before him was speaking from her young heart and a desire to see more than what the territories had to offer.. His own life journey had gifted him in a way. He had gotten his fill of adventure in his apprentice days, but had he not, would he too have felt such an urge? He wasn’t sure, but here Batbite was, waiting for an answer… for possible expulsion. He smiled, stood and padded over to nudge her shoulder.

"Batbite… you are young but strong… and I can understand your desire to see more of the world." He began, then paused to think over his words carefully. "I saw the world when I was younger… and I won’t begrudge another cat to see that for themselves." He smiled kindly, then stepped back. Giving Batbite some space as he raised his paw and placed it on her chest. "I ask only that you keep ThunderClan in your heart." His paw dropped, his smile sad but meaningful. "ThunderClan will always be your home. Come back when you are ready… and, see Mossbloom or Pricklebush before you leave. Take some travelling herbs, and what herbs they are willing to spare and can explain to you."

"How could I forget my home?" Batbite asked softly. "Or the family that's still here? I'm not leaving because I want to leave anything behind, I just want to find new things." As Oakstar followed that up by telling her to talk to the medicine cats, she shook her head. "I couldn't do that. While this is my home, I'll no longer be a ThunderClan cat in anyone's eyes but my own once I'm gone... So I couldn't take herbs you need here, for the ones that aren't going anywhere. But thank you... It means a lot."

And before she could let herself get more emotional or have even a moment's doubt about her goals, she was gone.