Too Late for Reparations {Closed}

For the third time, Scorchclaw urged his paws to move forward. However, they remained rooted to the ground as if held down by some mysterious force. The RiverClan deputy was currently standing before the Elder's Den, engaged in an internal struggle of his own. In his mouth, he held a freshly caught fish. For the past few minutes, its mouth-watering scents had been tempting him. He had refrained from eating it, because it was intended for another recipient. Several sunrises had passed since Spotfur had gone through his Elder Ceremony. The large tabby tom had chosen to visit him that day. It was good weather for sunning. While the other elders were lounging around in the central clearing, the spotted-furred tom was the only one still in the den. This situation was pleasing, for that meant the two toms would be able to talk undisturbed. Yet as he stared at the well-woven entrance to the Elder's Den, Scorchclaw found himself strangely unable to move. Narrowing his pale-green eyes in frustration, he knew that he was hesitating.

Back when Shade had attacked Scorchclaw, Spotfur had rushed to aid the fluffy deputy. As a result, the spotted warrior had ended up getting one of his legs torn off. Thinking about it now, Scorchclaw had yet to show his appreciation for Spotfur's actions then. He had been foolish, and his mistakes had cost his clanmates dearly. Even now, he sometimes saw Duckpuddle in his dreams. The brown-and-white she-cat would be lying on the ground, her throat torn open. Blood would form a pool around her head, dying her fur stark crimson. While Shade had been the direct cause of their misfortune, it was indirectly Scorchclaw's fault. He had put off his talk with Spotfur for so long, because he had been scared. While he had been outwardly angry with Shade, he had been swirling with regrets on the inside. He didn't want to have to face Spotfur, so he avoided him. He didn't want to know that the older tom blamed him.

He had run away for long enough; he couldn't do so anymore. Taking a deep breath to steel himself, Scorchclaw forcefully stepped forward. The interior of the Elder's Den was cool and shady. Although so many moons had passed, it didn't seem to have changed from the time when he was an apprentice. The few moss nests were lined with countless feathers to be as comfortable as possible. In the far end of the den, Scorchclaw found the tom he was looking for. Setting the fish down by Spotfur's nest, he greeted him with a slight nod. "Spotfur. Have you gotten settled in?"

If one thing was for sure, Spotfur loved the nests. They were almost too soft. He felt so dependent, though, and he had started feeling the itch to hunt. It was just so quiet, though, and the hustle and bustle of camp was just muffled. He'd never slept better. He lifted his head from his thoughts as he caught his eye on a cat about to enter. He waited for the figure to move, and after what seemed to be an eternity, he did. It was Scorchclaw, the deputy at the time, a fish in his jaws. Maybe he wanted to share a fish with Spotfur. He listened intently for words. "Spotfur. Have you gotten settled in?" He asked. Right. It had been a few days and his old nest was being used for other cats, but it was comfortable here. "Really well, I think. I can sleep without worrying about being on the dawn patrol now." He joked. Scorchclaw seemed very somber and the spotted tom wanted to lighten the mood. There was no other way to make sure he stayed happy, anyway. He wasn't so sure that the other elders appreciated his thoughts, though.

Spotfur's joke failed to achieve its intended effect. There was barely any change in Scorchclaw's serious demeanor. "I see." He said with a slight nod, "That's good to hear." In his head, the large tabby tom had already run through this scene several times. At the end of it all, he still had no idea how to bring up the topic to the spotted warrior. A couple of seconds passed as he stood awkwardly, gazing down at Spotfur. What was the other tom really thinking? Scorchclaw's pale green eyes were unreadable. Before the silence could drag on for too long, he sat down. With one large paw, he nudged the fish towards Spotfur. "Do you want to share prey?" He asked.

The fish was intended to be a peace offering of sorts. It would certainly buy him time while he pondered over the words he wanted to say.

Spotfur looked down at the fish. Maybe Scorchclaw was here for something else... Bad news? It wasn't uncommon. Who might it be? Had Windclan waged war? Had one of his clanmates died? Or, worse, his family? It wasn't worth thinking about. He had to keep positive. "Sure." He realized that he got the first bite, being an elder and all. Probably. He crossed his paws inside, hoping that he wasn't being rude. Scorchclaw had, after all, pushed it to him. He tentatively took a bite, then pushed it to Scorchclaw. "How's being a deputy suiting you? We all know that the elders are treated great, but what about you? Deputies do a lot of work. Who knows where we'd be, t'were I deputy." Once, he might have wished to be a deputy. Those days were over. He was an elder; and mostly content to be one.

Settling into a comfortable position, Scorchclaw watched as Spotfur took a mouthful of the fish. It felt odd to think of the older tom as an elder, but it was the reality now. Lowering his head, he bit into the fresh-kill. Scales crunched beneath his teeth as he did. The familiar, unique flavor of fish spread throughout his mouth. His tufted ears twitched at Spotfur's question, but he did not reply immediately. He chewed and then swallowed. After a short pause, he spoke. “I don't know.” He replied honestly. “Sometimes I don't think I deserve this position. Jaystar must have believed in me to have chosen me, but I don't know. Am I suited to being deputy? Are the choices I make the right ones? When I think about having to succeed the leadership, I feel uncertain.” He found himself telling Spotfur the inner thoughts that he had never before told anyone else. Perhaps it was because few others had asked. He felt the need to be honest with Spotfur. “You might have made a better deputy than I am.”

Spotfur offered a half smile. "I'm fairly sure every deputy ever has thought that, and I'm sure Jaystar doesn't know how well he leads either. Right and Wrong are very black and white, but sometimes, there's more than one right choice, and yeah, even if mistakes like Shade happen, thst's the way of life. We all make mistakes. And honestly, we can all hope that Jaystar lives long enough that you won't have to. You're a great deputy, and maybe you'll be that. Someone who's by Jaystar's side to the end." After this, he took his bite, then stopped chewing and looked questioningly up at Scorchclaw. Him? A better deputy? He swallowed, then spoke. "No. I've always been led by my heart, and you by your head. You're stern, but fairer than Ivystar was, and you care about your Clanmates. You are a well-respected tom. If Shade had been going for me, I don't know if nearly anyone would have came to my aid." He explained his thoughts as clearly as he could. "Me? I have too many strong feelings with everyone that I can't possibly think clearly as a deputy. You've seen what I've done when faced with something I don't like. I used to just... lose control." That was the largest difference. Head versus heart. And Jaystar seemed to be a perfect mix of both.

The fluffy deputy listened silently as his companion spoke. He supposed Spotfur was right. The doubts that he had--he couldn't be the only deputy to have ever had such thoughts. Perhaps Jaystar had also gone through the same thing in the past. It should have been common knowledge to him, but it seemed as if he had forgotten until that moment. Sometimes it wasn't easy to judge whether a choice that he had made had been the right one. Sometimes his choices were very clearly wrong. However, he could never turn back time. Not even StarClan could do so. If that was the case, he couldn't keep being lost in the past forever. Scorchclaw took another bite of the fish. As he chewed and swallowed, he pondered over Spotfur's words. While the spotted tom was a considerably young cat, not fitting of his elder status, he still gave good advice.

No good would come out of thinking too hard about it. He would say it bluntly and directly. Exhaling softly, Scorchclaw turned to face Spotfur. "... I'm sorry about your leg." He stated, "I never did apologize." A hint of regret slipped into his tone, even as his expression was unreadable. "You might be correct. I don't think I'll ever stop regretting some things, but I'll learn from my mistakes and become a cat worthy of being the deputy. Thanks, Spotfur."

Spotfur was startled by the sudden apology. It was so long ago, and the guilt that had been radiating off Scorchclaw was enough of an apology for him, in his mind at least. Saying it out loud though, must have been hard for the deputy, even if his eyes betrayed near nothing. The spotted tom shook his head."It's no one's fault but Shade's. I've thought about it too, a lot. Even if you did slam into him and cause it, no leg is better than one that drags on the ground. I'm... I'm better off like this. You've got no reason to apologize." He continued, "And if you weren't worthy, Jaystar would not have chosen you. You're what the Clan needs right now and while everyone can improve, be happy with who you are. Sweet taught me that while I was an apprentice." He thought about Sweet. Shade's mother, his friend.

Contrary to what one might expect, Spotfur's forgiveness did not really lighten the heaviness in Scorchclaw's heart. Rather than being angry, the spotted tom seemed to be trying to accept his fate. Perhaps it was because there was nothing else he could do other than accept it. While the fluffy deputy did feel some sense of relief, it was still overshadowed by his sense of guilt. He might really have been making a big deal out of nothing. Nothing would have happened if it had not been for Shade. Nevertheless, knowing that the now-elder was barely older than he was made it hard for him to simply brush his mistakes away. "Even so," He said in a low voice, "I still think that I should apologize."

The mention of a name that he had not heard for a while caught his attention. "Sweet did?" He asked, surprised. His mentor that had once been like a mother to him, the RiverClan warrior that had broken the code with a forbidden romance, the queen that had kitted a bloodthirsty murderer, and the sorry loner that had been killed by her own son--Sweet. The last time her name had been mentioned, Shade had been standing in the center of RiverClan camp, blood streaked all over his dark tabby fur. Scorchclaw turned her words over in his mind. As messed up as her life had been, Sweet had left behind a few wise words. "I see." A faint, partly mocking smile curled up the corners of his maw.

By now, the fish had been mostly eaten. Judging that it was his time to leave, Scorchclaw stood up. "I should leave now, so you may have the rest." He told Spotfur, indicating towards the remains. "I'll come visit again sometime." Now that his break was over, he had to return to his many duties. As he padded towards the exit of the den, he suddenly halted and turned around. "You made one mistake earlier." He stated calmly, green eyes piercing in the dim lighting, "'If Shade had been going for me, I don't know if nearly anyone would have came to my aid.' You shouldn't think so lowly of yourself. I would always be willing to help a clanmate in need, and I'm sure there are many others in this clan who are the same way."

Spotfur nodded. She had. Way back, by the Gorge, he had learned an important life lesson. No matter how hard it got, or how emberrassed or hated you felt, you always had a worth. Gingerstripe and Flamepaw were living examples. Despite what they had done(that was much, much worse than he), they rose above them and turned to the better. "I don't think you understand, Scorchclaw. Many cats have thought me a traitor along with Nutfur and Sweet. I'm sure you remember the things I said. Even if there are plenty of younger, good cats who think me just a wise, battle-scarred elder, I know many older- and some younger- who would leave me for dead, thinking it another traitor begone." He could name a few of those cats off the top of his head. Stormstrike probably would. Hillfire, while he was still around. And others he hadn't interacted with in forever.

Scorchclaw huffed softly, narrowing his pale-green eyes. "My memory isn't that terrible. It might have happened a long time ago, but I still remember. The things that you said, the things that you did. The insolence with which you faced Ivystar. I detested you. But cats change, and... they move past their mistakes. Unlike Sweet or Nutfur, you've proven your loyalty to RiverClan. You just said that mistakes are the way of life. Don't tell me you've already forgotten your own words. There may be some who still harbor hatred for you, but most of us can see the truth. Jaystar himself trusts you, doesn't he? If they would stand by and watch a cat die for such a reason, they don't deserve to be called warriors." Even if the victim were from another clan, someone he barely even knew, Scorchclaw would not just let them die. Lives were more precious than that.

"And that's just the thing. The moral compass of cats varies greatly. And then, Jaystar didn't trust me. Not completely." He sighed. "Remember when I was on 'chill mode?' I doubt Jaystar told you why. It's because I was out of control. I nearly killed a Thunderclan cat and then proceeded to claw Goldeneye in the face. Those are the kinds of reasons why cats look down on me. Right now, they have to treat me well, just because I'm an elder." He could feel it all bubbling back in frustration and regret. Unlike Sweet and Nutfur? They were the very cats who'd made him prove himself. Sadness glittered in his eyes as he lay down in his nest again, resting his head on his paws. "Not everyone is able to forgive like you and I."

Spotfur might have had a point. Scorchclaw was sure that the spotted elder's actions up till now had earned him many enemies. Nevertheless, there were definitely others who could see past those mistakes to the cat within. The fluffy deputy was one of them. He might not agree with every single choice that Spotfur made now, but that was normal among cats with different personalities. The energy to argue was slowly seeping away from him. It was clear that his words were having little effect. The other tom was stubbornly clinging on to his beliefs, and his mind would not be changed easily. Well, fine then. He had better things to do than waste his breath right now. Admittedly, he was beginning to feel annoyed at Spotfur's low self-esteem. "If that's really what you want to believe, go ahead. Just remember, you've done more than just your mistakes." After all, Spotfur and Duckpuddle had been the ones to help him when he had been attacked by Shade. With those last words, he left the Elder's Den.

Spotfur was still trapped in the past, just like Scorchclaw had been just a moment ago. He could forgive others, but he could not forgive himself.