the mountain of things i still regret

Since her return to RiverClan, Swanpaw had felt like something was weighing her down. An invisible line that separated her from most of her Clanmates, one she couldn't cross. It was a line she hadn't drawn, not at first - the Twolegs that had captured her had taken it upon themselves. But she had only made it worse with her return and subsequent departure, and even moreso by returning home at last. She couldn't blame the Clanmates who regarded her with uncertainty, seeing as she was uncertain of herself as well.

Actually, if she looked at her Clanmates closely, she could see the lines between a few others, but not quite as thick as the one she saw between herself and all of them. The reasons for most of them were unclear to her, though she heard whispered (and not-so-whispered) words of a few traitors. Only one line of separation seemed thicker than her own - Flickerpaw, the apprentice-prisoner. From what she had gathered the former ThunderClan cat had killed a RiverClan warrior. Why she was taken prisoner in RiverClan's camp was beyond Swanpaw, though - she had given up on understanding her leader's thoughts quite a while ago.

Still, despite that, she felt a sort of kinship with the other apprentice she couldn't quite explain. Neither of them quite fit in, though for vastly different reasons - Flickerpaw was, from what she could tell, mostly regarded with open hostility. An enemy cat kept in their camp as penance for her sins. Swanpaw was simply a lost cat, in more ways than one, who had found her way home, and while she was something of an outsider, she was still a born RiverClan cat. It was those differences that confused her as to why she couldn't regard Flickerpaw with the same hostility as some of her Clanmates.

Maybe it was because she understood how it felt to make a mistake and regret it. None of her own had been as severe as the mistake of murder, but she still carried regrets with her wherever she went. Whatever it was, something drove Swanpaw to approach the apprentice-prisoner she had previously only regarded with quiet curiosity and uncertainty since her return, carrying a mouse from the fresh-kill pile, though she herself still preferred fish. There were some things no amount of adventuring could change.

"It's... Flickerpaw, right?" she asked uncertainly, after laying the mouse at the other cat's paws.

Flickerpaw had been laying down, still thinking about things. The blood on her own paws, the dizzy sense that she had done it, that she had killed someone, it was still surreal. She sat up, slightly confused at first. Swanpaw, she thought, the cat who was captured by twolegs and found her way back. Swanpaw had brought her a mouse. Probably thinks I still don't like fish. "Yes... And you're Swanpaw. Taken from your Clan like me, though your imprisonment had no reason. Thank you for the mouse." She hesitated to take a bite, though. Her voice sounded so weird, so... monotone. Unfeeling. It made her shudder.

"It wasn't imprisonment for long," Swanpaw shrugged. She had escaped relatively quickly, but Twolegs traveled quickly. In just the day or two she had been captive, they had gotten far enough away that it took her more than a moon of travelling to return home, with no scent markers or landmarks to follow. "Most of my so-called imprisonment was my own doing. I can't begin to understand your situation, honestly." There was a short silence before she spoke again. "I didn't know how long you've been here, so I didn't know if you've adjusted to our tastes..." Really, how was she supposed to begin to talk to the other apprentice? She simply sat in an admittedly awkward silence, wondering if she was even going about this the right way at all. Making friends had never been her strong suit, after all.

Flickerpaw almost laughed. Almost. "I've adjusted, all right. My imprisonment was partially my own doing... I decided to confess and stay with my clan instead of run away from it. It was just to keep my siblings together... I pray to Starclan they're okay without me." One day, she'd see her siblings again.

"That's simply being able to own up to your actions," Swanpaw reasoned. "It's not like that's a bad quality, even if it, combined with past mistakes, was what brought you here." After all, it had taken her an entire journey to admit to her own mistakes, and self-imposed exile to accept them. Gently, she nudged the mouse towards Flickerpaw once more.

Flickerpaw looked down. "Yeah, I guess it is... Even so, I think this may have brought them more grief that if I had exiled myself after saying bye. I don't know." She paused for a moment, gaze boring into the mouse. "Do you want to share the mouse? I don't think I could finish it anyway and it feels rude for me to eat and you having nothing." Especially since she was a prisoner and Swanpaw was a part of the clan, but Flickerpaw didn't say that out loud.

"That sounds nice," Swanpaw nodded, and was surprised to find that she meant it. "Still, you faced the consequences for your actions instead of running away like I did," she commented, choosing not to elaborate on her own history. She took a bite of the mouse and sighed - in the way fish reminded her of here, mice seemed to remind her of her journey back. There had only been so many bodies of water, after all, she hadn't been able to eat only, or even mostly, fish. Though a good deal of land-dwelling prey had outmatched her - not that she would ever admit it - mice had, eventually, proven something she could typically catch.

Flickerpaw also took a bite. "From what I hear, you got caught by Twolegs and found your way back."

"That did happen, yes. But it's not the only thing that happened." Another bite of mouse. "Even before that... I was awful. I'm amazed they took me back the first time. See, when I first came back... Well, there were rumors spreading, and one of my Clanmates told me something that made me furious, enough so that I didn't bother checking to see that it was true. I... May have crossed a line in telling Ivystar herself to just pretend I never came back. And then I came back again, and... Here we are."

Flickerpaw frowned about the rumors. She was starting to feel comfortable talking with Swanpaw. "So... Bad things were happening in your clan- or former clan at that time, I think- and you wanted no part in it. Maybe you did say some things, but, honestly, I was somewhat disrespectful too before... I did it." She shuddered inside at the thought of having to kill again. "Even to Blizzardstar and Leopardclaw. I thought I was so great because I was in the direct lineage of Spottedstar when other cats used to be kittypets, rogues, or half-clan. Seems we've both had our mousebrained moments?" She didn't want to seem rude, so hopefully the statement was lighthearted enough to let Swanpaw know it was just a little joke.

OOC: Just randomly wondering... who's the extra cat in your sig? The black one with green eyes. The words only show Swan, Ember, Feather, and Sun. Did you recently kill off a cat or something? Is/was it Raven...? if that even was your cat...

OOC: Yeah, that's Raven! She only died recently, so she was in the sig Jay drew for me since I had still planned on her living a while longer.

"Rumors, not things I actually understood... I still don't know the whole story, and honestly I don't think I want to. It was embarrassing enough to come back and beg forgiveness, as much as it needed to be done. I'd rather not know the truth, considering how rashly I acted then," Swanpaw admitted quietly. "But I suppose you're right. We do all have our high and low moments. Thank you, it feels... Good, I think. To talk about all this."

A compulsory snort threatened to escape at the talk of ThunderClan's acceptance of outsiders, but she stopped to remember how far she herself had traveled. Though, still, she couldn't see any benefit at all to accepting kittypets of all things.

OOC: Ah. I thought so.
remember, we have to incorporate "do something with your life" into this

IC: Flickerpaw gave a small smile. "Yeah, I guess it is. Maybe... Maybe we can be friends?" She hoped that wouldn't sound immature. "Not that we'd have much to do... I'm just going to be sitting in camp for the rest of my life. Almost makes me think following in Specklefang's steps would make me a better use than just being here. Another prisoner.

Swanpaw purred softly. "There are things you can do, at least. We have water right here in camp, after all - you could always learn to fish here, if you'd be allowed. And... Yes, I think we could be friends, Flickerpaw."

Flickerpaw looked at her in surprise. "Fish in camp? Surely no fish would come so close to cats?"

"Even far from the forest, everywhere I found water I found fish. Well, when it wasn't frozen over, at least. But that all depends on Ivystar allowing you to learn, and since you're still a prisoner..." Swanpaw shrugged. "Still, you've also helped me just by talking and listening. Thank you."