Constant Change (CLOSED)

Gingerstripe ran. He wasn't sure where he was running at first, but he knew he had to get away. Away from Firestone's accusing eyes, his daughters' tears, his Clanmates' yells. His adoptive mother had exiled him for a deed long past, for killing a codebreaking rogue. He had been thrown out of his home... not that anyone wanted him there, anymore. When the tom finally stopped, panting for breath, he found himself on ThunderClan territory, near their camp. He'd heard that Blizzardstar was a merciful cat. Maybe she would take him in? He couldn't exactly do worse than Littlebrook, could he?... Exhausted, the former ShadowClan warrior padded cautiously into the foreign Clan's camp. It was... strange. However, he found himself liking the strangeness. He ducked into a small stone den before any warriors caught him and attacked him for trespassing, only to find himself face to face with a she-cat she recognized from Gatherings past. "...Hello," he managed shakily, his voice still husky with tears. "My name is- was- Gingerstripe." Was he really Gingerstripe anymore?... "I, um, need to talk with you."

Blizzardstar had been snoozing in her den, not entirely on purpose though. She originally had gone in only to change the dry and now somewhat uncomfortable moss of her den with fresh one…or as fresh as it could be in leafbare. However, the lack of proper sleep during the apparently endless nights as she silently allowed the darkness and grief she tried to keep locked up and hidden in the back of her mind to swallow her, letting out those tears she refused to let her clanmates see. They needed a strong leader, someone they could trust and follow, someone to give them hope and a stable path in these harsh times. She had allowed herself to drown in despair for too long and she wasn’t going to let her clan follow her under those murky waters…even if that meant carrying the suffering that like stones kept them from getting out, and sinking deeper herself.

She was sitting, eyes closed, guard down as she slowly drifted into a calm slumber when the unexpected visitor stepped in. The scent and voice caused her to bolt awake, fur almost immediately puffing up and claws unsheathing in surprise as her nose picked up the scent of ShadowClan and her eyes landed on the ginger cat. She blinked a couple times, the quickly fading drowsiness wearing off and her brain clumsily scrambling to make the words of the tom make sense, while also scolding her for not being able to quickly detect an outsider in her ow camp that, if he wanted to, could’ve easily attacked and killed her right in her den thanks to her low guard.

“Gingerstripe…” She said out loud, still trying to piece everything together before her mind finally got rid of its stupor and things started to click in. However, being the kindhearted and empathetic cat she was, the first thing to click in was the clearly bad emotional state the tom was in, a state she felt somewhat related to even if the causes were unknown at the time “What is it that you need to speak about? What makes a ShadowClan warrior come to my camp and even to my den like this?” Her words almost made it appear that she had already forgotten that the cat had trespassed into her territory, that he was uninvited, he ad broke the code by doing so…but she guessed that to do something like this, whatever brought him to her in such state was serious and urgent.

"I'm... I'm not a ShadowClan warrior anymore," the tom admitted, flinching a little bit at her steady blue gaze. Still, it was nice not to see any anger in them. If he wanted amnesty, he'd better speak quick. "I.... A long time ago, several moons," the tabby tom started, "Magpiestar found out a secret about the medicine cat Honeydrop and proceeded to announce it to the whole Clan. I was younger, then. He said that- that I and my brother, Firestone, were her kits." His eyes flashed with pain at the memory. "I love the warrior code. I'd been raised to know that it was the most important thing a cat could learn. To find out that my father and my adoptive mother Littlebrook had been lying, and that my very existence broke the code, was too much for me. I snapped and attacked her, not wanting to believe she was my mother. My family... my life was all a lie, and so was my family. Our father was dead at that point, so it was just Firestone and I against the world." Oh, if only it still was. He shook his head and continued.

"When Magpiestar told us that she was only to be exiled, I was out of my mind. By mothering us, she had made us into code-breakers, and I couldn't stand it. I thought- I thought if, maybe, she was gone, life would go back to how it had been before. Of course I knew, deep down, it didn't work that way. But with the sudden shattering of my life into tiny pieces, I lost my mind. I know there's no excuse for what I did, but you understand, I can't change the foolish decisions I've made." The former warrior's tail swept around his paws in obvious shame. He couldn't keep his emotions in control like he'd used to... he was an open book to read. "I followed Honeydrop out of camp- she was a rogue then- and confronted her. My temper raised. I didn't mean it, but I ended up- pushing her onto the Thunderpath. She, she hit by a monster. I went back to camp, and after my rage faded away, I was scared of what I'd done. Scared and ashamed. I regretted losing my temper, but there was no way to change it. I knew if the leader found out, he'd exile me. So I kept it a secret, pushed it away.... I shouldn't have. It only made everything worse."

Gingerstripe was starting to go into shock again as he retold the events of the last hour. "StarClan told Nettlesting about what I'd done. At that point, I'd almost forgotten.... I had- have- a mate and kits, and my brother and I were close, closer than ever. When all of a sudden, my life got torn apart again. The hot-tempered medicine cat ran into camp, denouncing me as a murderer, because I'd pushed Honeydrop onto the Thunderpath moons and moons ago. Even though they'd all been furious with her, though they'd all started trusting me again despite my heritage... my Clanmates turned on me in an instant." His voice choked up. It was getting hard for him to speak again, but he had to keep up appearances.... "Even my own kits, and my own brother. All of them... every one of them. They all hate me. I begged Littlebrook to let me stay, told her about how I'd changed. How I was ashamed of what I'd done. I would never, ever kill anyone else, especially not a Clan cat. But she denounced me too. Threw me out. The she-cat who raised me..." It was too much for him to retell it all. The deep wounds were too fresh. The orange tabby tom broke out sobbing, undignified tears like that of a kit flowing from screwed-shut green eyes. It was too much. Without thinking, Gingerstripe buried his face into Blizzardstar's soft fur as he cried, unable to stop his heartbroken sobs.

At his first words, Blizzardstar’s ear flicked a bit, she didn’t know how to react to such news after all. Was he a threat? Had something happened in ShadowClan that caused him to leave? Was him the victim or the villain? Instead of saying anything she decided the best idea was to let him explain himself, so she bit his tongue and listened without interrupting.

She felt slightly confused and surprised to know the dark secrets of Honeydrop, a medicine cat who had broken the code and lied to her clan…while she felt a weird kind of understanding towards the she-cat, having kits being her greatest dream, she still couldn’t help the sting of deep disapproval. Medicine cats enter such life aware of the price to pay for such choice, breaking such a sacred oath is definitely not something to be taken lightly. It could be her motherly dreams speaking of her soft heart speaking, but even with that in mind she felt that exile could’ve been a bit excessive.

She respected the warrior code and followed as close as she could, though she would be lying if she said she didn’t bend it a bit on her past thanks to her curious and kind nature. But exiling the she-cat in that specific moment had proven to be the wrong choice just by listening the story of confusion and shame of the tom. Maybe, just maybe, if they had allowed the medicine cat to stay, even if they stripped her of such title after she broke her oath, could’ve been better. Could’ve helped her sons to come to terms with reality after some moons instead of shattering their world like such news did.

However, her softening heart skipped a beat and her motherly gaze instantly turned into that of shock and horror with his next words.

The tom had pushed his own mother and former medicine cat to the Thunderpath and caused her to die by the claws of a monster because of this…and kept it a secret from his clan.

This caused her mind to go two separate ways at the same time, it was like if she had suddenly found two cats that tugged on her in an attempt to get the leader to see things their way. One of them told her that the death had been a rage-induced accident, that the cat had salvation as he never meant to kill Honeydrop, it was a fight at the bad time and place. The other told her she was face to face with nothing but a murderer that not only had taken away the life of a cat, but that of a former medicine cat and his own mother.

She looked down as her long fluffy tail curled around her paws, heart racing. She kind of understood his clanmates’ reactions to such event, when a murderer was found between the ranks of any clans it was only logical for many to turn around such monster, she had seen it not long ago with Flickerpaw and Specklefang…though it was kind of shocking to also know that between all the cats of ShadowClan none raised a single paw to at least try to help him out.

When Specklefang and Flickerpaw were found out to be murderers, and not even potentially accidental ones like Gingerstripe claimed to be, their families, their friends…they all immediately tried to defend them. Yes, many more were angry and agreed on punishment, but those close to them did everything in their power to lessen such punishments even if in the end their efforts were for naught.

She flinched lightly when the tom buried his face on her long fur, crying like a kit who just had lost his family to a disaster instead of a warrior toughened by time…though, in a manner of speaking, he literally was that kit who had lost everything he once knew. She sighed and wrapped her tail around the tom as her motherly instincts kicked in, letting him cry and let out those feeling he had bottled up…

But as he did that, she thought.

She had met many murderers in her lifetime, and some had proven to have a silver tongue and be way cleverer than her. Actors with unbreakable masks that even she couldn’t see trough until it was too late. She wanted to believe this had been nothing more than an accident, and in a cruel turn of the events things had gotten out of hand, that he was regretful and no longer the tom who had pushed his mother to the Thunderpath, oh, how much she wanted to believe him…

…but she couldn’t just believe him.

Many bad experiences had thaugt her this in her past. So once he calmed down enough to speak, even if it caused her heart an unbearable pain, she decided to test him. She just couldn’t allow to have another Rockthorn within her ranks.

“Accident or not, your paws are stained with Honeydrop’s blood, and that is something you’ll never be able to wash off. The Thunderpath is known for being dangerous by all clans, only one with intentions to cause serious harm or kill another cat would fight there. She might had died by the claws of a monster, but you are the one who put her in its way to inevitably meet her end. You claim regret, but a regretful cat would’ve admitted their crimes instead of keeping them a secret. How can I believe your words, if you act just like the many fox-hearted murderers I had seen in my past?” Her voice was serious, harsh even. She was making it sound like if she didn’t believe his story, that she thought that he was nothing but a cold-blooded murderer. It was painful, but if he was lying this could blow his cover off. If he wasn’t truly regretful this could make it evident. The next minutes, hours even if necessary, would be hell for both of them…

But it had to be done.

As Gingerstripe eventually got hold of his emotions, he pulled out of Blizzardstar's fur self-consciously. It had felt amazingly comforting just to cry and be comforted, and he had begun to feel slightly better already. Maybe... maybe he had a chance. Then he heard the leader's words, and his face fell. She didn't. She didn't believe him. She thought him as bad as the rest. The tabby tom shook his head in dismay as she finished. He had been so close, he couldn't give up now! "No," he protested, "no, I promise I'm not a murderer! I... I wanted to confess, but I couldn't stand to be thrown out of my Clan! I couldn't stand to be a rogue, like my mother.... I'm nothing like the other cats you're talking about."

His voice tapered off, and he realized how he sounded. He bet the other murderers had sounded just like him- and really, was he any better than them? Intentional or not, codebreaker or not, he'd killed another cat. His paws were stained with his biological mother's blood. The former ShadowClan warrior lowered his head in defeat, shoulders slumping. His voice was low and quiet. "I understand that you don't want to endanger your Clanmates, Blizzardstar. If you don't plan to accept me, then you might as well kill me now, because I don't want to live like this. Throw me out or do whatever you want, but... I don't want to be without a Clan."

Blizzardstar shook her head slowly “Gingerstripe, you ARE a murderer. Your actions led to the death of a cat. The only thing that can be discussed here beyond that is if the murder was intentional or an accident” The face that reflected the shattered hopes of the tom was causing her heart to ache, but she didn’t want to endanger her clan by allowing herself to follow her emotions. She had done so several times before and occasionally it had led her to get herself and those she cared about in trouble.

Yes, while true that she had a gut feeling this tom was no liar, she didn’t want to take any chances. Dealing with murderers was an extremely delicate matter, one wrong step could easily bring destruction and pain to her clan.

“Hiding the truth more often than not only brings worse consequences than those that you would be facing otherwise. By trying to avoid exile through secrets, you only got StarClan to reveal what you tried so hard to bury away and make such fear become a reality. If you had confessed then you would’ve been able to get a chance to explain and defend yourself, a chance to keep your old life, but now you come to me, claws stained with blood many moons old and begging for a place to call home” She didn’t like to see the tom so defeated, holding the same hopeless expression she had seen so many times in herself and her clanmates after the defeat against RiverClan on the Sunningrocks battle. Her tail slowly moved from side to side, not in anger nor weariness as it could look like, but because of the internal battle behind the mask of calmness that Blizzardstar was wearing.

The white leader’s ear twitched slightly with the next words of the tom, causing her heart to skip a beat “Death is never a way out of a situation like this. By requesting death you are only telling me you’re too afraid to face the consequences of your actions, that you aren’t willing to redeem yourself and prove those around you are not the murderer they think you are. At best, it makes you look like coward” She was starting to seriously wonder if she was being too harsh on the tom at this point. Yes, if he was lying this could break his mask in the end…but if he wasn’t was it right for her to rip any hopes he had to shreds only to later on try to piece it back together if he proved to be able to change, worthy of a second chance?

“You claim you never intended her to die. Why follow her to confront her though, and in the Thunderpath of all places? Wasn’t the shame and grief of being rejected by those you love and losing everything she once knew punishment enough?” She waited after her question, maybe knowing a bit better what the tom was thinking at the time would give her some better clues.

Gingerstripe blinked back tears as the leader continued to berate him. What was the point of beating up on him so hard? If she didn't want him to stay, all she had to do was say so. Was he not remorseful enough? He didn't know his much more of this pointing out his faults and mistakes he could stand. "I know I've made mistakes," the disgraced tom meowed hollowly, trying to keep ahold of himself so he didn't lose it again. "You don't have to tell me that. I've failed as a warrior, as a mate, as a father, as a brother. I've failed in every possible way. All I want is a new life, a new chance. I know what I should have done, but what's done is done. I can't bring her back." Not that it would fix anything, if he did.

The tom gained some small semblance of control over his emotions and answered her question. "When I followed her that night, I wasn't thinking straight. Wasn't thinking at all. I thought maybe it was all some sort of sick joke, maybe she would tell me that she actually wasn't my mother, anything to make the pain stop. But I lost it, and just ruined everything. Everyone, everything I had left... gone. In an instant. The monster had already run over my dreams, I just didn't see it yet." His emerald-green eyes were dull from the constant agony he'd been through. "Please, Blizzardstar, just give me an answer. There's no point in beating me up, I've already done it myself. Just tell me to go and I'll get out of your fur- or would you let me stay and prove myself to you?" A tiny spark of hope returned, and he looked straight into her accusing, terrifying blue eyes.

Blizzardstar looked at the tom as he spoke and tried to explain himself even further. With a deep sigh she closed her eyes and lowered her head a bit. This was way harder than she originally thought. Everything pointed at Gingerstripe being honest, her own gut feeling told her he was being honest…but even if he was here, right in front of her, if he was lying there was no way to dig out the truth

She would need some kind of help…a way to certify that this wasn’t all an amazing act on the tom’s behalf to make his way to a new clan to go unpunished for a true fox-hearted action claiming for it to be nothing but a mistake. Unluckily she felt the only way she had to do this was through ShadowClan themselves, and she was a bit unsure on how they would react to her walking in and claiming to have a murderer in camp that once was part of their clan.

She had to figure something out.

“I wish I could give you an answer, Gingerstripe, but I don’t have one just yet. As much as I want to believe you, there is no way I can do it relying on your words alone” She looked outside her den before getting up…she needed some time alone to put her mind together and go to ShadowClan to get their version of the story, but she neither could let a potential murderer walk free in her camp “Stay in here, for now” Her tone made clear it was not a suggestion, but an order.

After that she walked out of her den without looking back and went straight to the fresh-kill pile. After grabbing a scrawny half-frozen mouse she went to one of her favorite spots under the bramble wall. Her mask broke and tears quickly made their way to her eyes, she felt terrible for making Gingerstripe go through all this, but she had no choice.

As she started to eat, she allowed her mind to go across what the exiled warrior had just told her, as well as trying to think on how she was going to tell ShadowClan about this to know their part of this whole tale.