This Swirling Storm Inside(OPEN)

Spotpaw was contemplating his choices. His life at a glance was happiness and adrenaline, then that declined to frustration, and now that had declined to a sadness he was not willing to bear. Brightpaw had been turned against him. Why? Brightpaw had hit him. There was no other word for it. And to make it worse, it was just for expressing his opinion. A strong opinion, but just a viewpoint at that. It had been the smallest flash of pain, but the deed stung worse than Brightpaw thought. To think that his own brother was turned against him... it was almost unthinkable.

His Clan had lost honor.

So had he.

Spotpaw wanted to call Brightpaw a good brother, he did. But he couldn't. Brightpaw had acted as if he had done nothing wrong, licking Spotpaw as if Brightpaw was his mother. So Spotpaw padded away. He hadn't been ready to forgive Brightpaw yet, but once he was, Brightpaw seemed intent on hating Spotpaw. This was not an answerable question. Raccoonpaw had been lost as a brother too. All Spotpaw had left was Frostpaw and Reedpaw, and even Reedpaw seemed to be angry at him.

Why was Starclan cutting off all of his family?

Heronpaw was a good friend, and so was Wolfpaw.

Friends were not what Spotpaw needed.

Spotpaw turned his head to look down into the rushing rapids of the gorge. The water tumbled, sometimes playfully and sometimes angrily. There was no real difference. Falling meant death. The mouths of these waters had sent many to Starclan, and perhaps today they would take another.

Thunderclan was supposed to be evil.

So was Shadowclan, Windclan, and Skyclan.

Spotpaw didn't believe so.

Somewhere close by, Lionspark was being guarded by Riverclan cats, and Thunderclan would take them back any day. The cavern would be a good place to live. Alone. As soon as the hostage was freed. Become a loner, settled in the Cavern. Close to prey and water, far from family. That wasn't a good thought. He would also be away from Smokewish, Ravenflight, Violetpaw, Wolfpaw, Darkpaw, Heronpaw.

Friends. One of the few things Spotpaw had.

Family. Another thing Spotpaw had.

A Clan. Something every cat should have the gift of.

Except for Spotpaw. Spotpaw didn't deserve to be with such kind cats, and he didn't want to be with the mean ones either. What did Spotpaw deserve? To live alone, attacked day after day by former Clanmates, cats that Spotpaw could not hurt? A curse. Spotpaw could be cursed. That was how Spotpaw lived.

Unless...

What if he didn't?

Would any cat cry if he didn't wake up the next morning? Would any cat sob over his broken, soaked body? Would he be buried with all of his Clanmates wishing him farewell? No. Brightpaw, Racconpaw, Silverfang, Rainstorm, they would not cry. Wolfpaw and Heronpaw might wish him farewell. But no cat would cry over the Riverclan cat who everyone hated.

No one would be sad.

(OOC: Since there's a lack of identification that this topic is closed, I'm gonna assume it's open. If it isn't, shoot me a PM rather than replying so I can delete my post. :3)

Sweetheart spotted Spotpaw from afar during one of her solo hunts, having decided prior that the Clan needed more fresh-kill before sunset. She knew of the apprentice's troublemaking, but she still didn't dislike him, and she especially didn't hate him, like how most cats in RiverClan did. She frowned as she approached the apprentice, and she spoke softly as to not startle him. "Spotpaw, what are you doing so close to the gorge? Don't you know kits and apprentices are forbidden to come here? You could fall off."

She hoped he wasn't here just for that sole purpose...

Spotpaw turned around. It was Sweetheart, one of the nicer cats of the Clan. Maybe she and Nutfur would at least say their farewells if he died. He hadn't known he was forbidden. In fact, some apprentices came here to guard Lionspark. Not him, though.

He was untrustworthy.

He thought he was loyal.

Spotpaw was a lie and a liar.

"I could. Wouldn't matter to anyone if I did though. It's not like I'm helpful." He said monotone. Neither sadness nor anger showed. They were there, though. They were always present. Even over the roar of the water, the voices of rage and regret spoke louder than the joy. He regretted saying anything when Swanpaw was there. If that hadn't happened, then Brightpaw wouldn't hate him. Swanpaw might have stayed. Spotpaw would be a good apprentice, one that was happy. His life would be perfect.

Perfection was a lie.

Starclan loved watching him suffer.

They had to. Why else would they make all this happen? There was a rumor that Blizzardstar had a prophecy to take back Sunningrocks. From Starclan itself. Had they doomed Riverclan forever?

Sweetheart sighed and sat down next to Spotpaw, looking out over the gorge. "I want to tell you something. I never told this to another cat, but... I've broken the warrior code, too. As an apprentice, I fell in love with a ShadowClan tom. We kept seeing each other every night after the Gathering, and... I'm expecting his kit. I'm going to have to lie to my Clan. I'll have to tell them the kit is Reedpaw's, even though he isn't even a warrior yet." She looked over at Spotpaw. "You and I are both in a very tight spot. But that doesn't mean either of us can give up. Believe it or not, I really like you. I like your courage to speak your mind, even though you're an apprentice. I really respect that. I don't want you to die, and there are definitely others who don't want you to die, either."

Spotpaw tilted his head. "Too? Are you implying I'm a codebreaker?" He asked, voice showing the tiniest bit of confusion and even implying that he was offended. Then his voice returned to normal. "I'm sure that half the clan thinks I am because I disagreed with Ivystar." Reedpaw... Reedpaw was his brother. Would that make Spotpaw an uncle?

Kits were good and innocent.

They would be taught to hate him.

He looked out towards the moor. It was a gray day, and it smelled like rain. The gorge could flood, and maybe some cats would get caught in the flow. It would seem more accidental that way. But would Starclan even accept him when he died? Dying was a normal part of Clan life. Would it ever become so normal that no cat blinks an eye?

Maybe the gorge was not the way to go.

If a Thunderclan cat killed him, that would show Ivystar what Blizzardstar had to be feeling. The loss of a cat not yet a warrior. Yes, the revenge would be sweet. Or would his blood they shed begin an endless cycle of vengeance and death? Sweetheart's name sure fit her. She was sweet, but Spotpaw knew it was all an act. Spotpaw was untrustworthy, and Sweetheart was one of the most loyal cats in the clan! Maybe he would really be an uncle. Sweetheart had to be making it up.

Every cat was a liar.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry, that's not at all what I meant!" she squeaked in shock. "I'm sorry. I don't think you're a code-breaker. I suppose that since other cats think that disagreeing with Ivystar means you're a code-breaker. ...Even if we are trying to argue the word of the Clan leader."

She could sense that Spotpaw didn't believe her when he told her about his secret affair with Scorchfang. She softly purred. "Truth be told, I very well could be the least loyal cat in RiverClan. I don't even like RiverClan anymore! I'm so sad that my kit has to be raised in their mother's Clan. They would be much better off in ShadowClan." She sighed and nuzzled Spotpaw's cheek. "I really do know how you feel, you know. But please don't try to push me away. Don't try to push those who truly care about you away, and don't pretend that we truly hate you. Because it's not true."

OOC:

Spotpaw blinked. Sweetheart was a good actor. But Spotpaw hated being nuzzled and licked, so he tensed up. "You're right. I am by no means a codebreaker. I am loyal to my Clan,
even if other cats think otherwise. You could run away, you know. Live alone, maybe join a better clan. Then you could leave me alone." He added this last part to emphasize. "Well, I guess I'm already doing what you just said because there's nobody in this Clan who really cares about me like they used to! It would have been better if I was never born at all! Rverclan would be better for it, too!" He began to snarl, filled with self-hatred. The rage, fear, and regret was bubbling up, like lava waiting to eat up the last of his joy, if there even was any left. Sweetheart was a liar. Everyone was. "And no, you DON'T know how I feel! Was most of your family turned against you? Has Starclan cursed your whole life, doomed to be alone?
At least you'll have your kit, who should have a better life than mine. I understand that you're suffering, but not like me. Not the way I am. Yours might be worse, but it isn't like mine. NOBODY,
not even Starclan, nobody understands me." The vortex of defeat had sucked up all happiness.

It was all gone.

Sweetheart's ears lowered, genuine sadness dulling her eyes. "I suppose you're right. I could never know what you're going through. I'm sorry for assuming I did." She looked away. "I'm not leaving the Clan. I can't leave. I have nowhere to go. Besides, I need to make sure you know there are still cats who care about you, even if they are few. I have no siblings, and both my parents were killed. Sure, I have my kit, but how do I even know he'll survive the remainer of leaf-bare? And I lost Scorchfang, because I chose to remain loyal to RiverClan than follow my heart." She looked back at Spotpaw. "Let me be your friend, Spotpaw. Even if I'm not a sister or a mother to you, I still want to be there for you. I truly do. Please don't shut me out." Her last sentence came out as a desperate plea.

Spotpaw pressed his lips together. "Leafbare is over halfway over, or so I'm told.
And I think it's too late to turn back. My reputation is ruined forever, so all of these cats who act like they like me, they might as well just stop. I might have a few friends, three including you," If she even was his friend, "But the rest of everyone else is pretending. It's devastatingly obvious. How much worse off would Riverclan be if I wasn't here? I'm just one rebellious cat; they could get on without me." If only Sweetheart would go away. Then he could do what he was here for, and nobody could stop him.

"If you want my two mouse tails, Sweetheart softly growled, laying down beside him; it seemed she didn't plan on leaving him alone anytime soon, "the real cat to blame is Ivystar. She's the one acting like a merciless rogue to ThunderClan, and she's the entire reason anyone began to rebel against her decisions in the first place. The other cats are just too blind to consider peace and pacifism over death and violence, because that's what their leader wants. But... But the warrior code cannot be followed all the time. Sometimes it has to be broken to do the right thing. That's just the way life works sometimes."

She looked over at Spotpaw. "I don't know everything you're going through. No one does. But we still share something in common: you and me, Nutfur and Heronpaw, none of us are trusted by our own leader because we chose to speak from our hearts. But that's not a bad thing. That just means we need to work together to prove that sometimes the leader isn't always right."

Spotpaw thought about this and decided to sit as well. "But how? Anything we'd do that goes against Ivystar would make us considered traitors if we aren't already."

ooc: shorttt
I don't like this topic to be short but it is

(OOC: That's okay. Sometimes short, sweet, and to the point can be a good thing. :3)

"Let them falsely accuse us of being traitors..." Sweetheart growled with a frustrated huff, though she wasn't frustrated at Spotpaw in the slightest. "At this point I'm more loyal to justice and righteousness. And once Ivystar decides to get over herself and put things right like how they're supposed to be, I'll start having a little more respect for her. As for the others, I don't think anything will make them change what they see in us unless we do what they want, but at least we will see in ourselves how warrior-like we are."

Spotpaw protested. "But I'm not. I'm not warrior-like. I'm still an apprentice, and if I had been a warrior or something, they might have listened! I wasn't and I'm not, and I don't even know if Ivystar would let me become one. What if they push us back? And still- my question stands- how do we prove that Ivystar isn't right?" There was no way. What Sweetheart asked of his was impossible. He couldn't be of any use.

"Nutfur and I both aren't warriors, but she doesn't seem to want to listen to either of us, either. And you don't need to have a warrior rank to be warrior-like." She sighed. "And... I don't know yet how we can prove to Ivystar that she's wrong. But that doesn't mean it's impossible."

The silvery warrior walked through the territories searching for her missing son. She wanted to go on a patrol with him today and talk but when she visited the apprentice den, the other apprentices said that Spotpaw left the camp alone. Now she was wandering in the borders, tryiing to catch his scent quickly.

However, the sound of voices caught her attention. Quietly, she approached the Gorge, as she stepped closer, the voices were clearer.

"If you want my two mouse tails, the real cat to blame is Ivystar..."

Silverfang stopped suddenly, containing an angry hiss as she spotted Sweetheart speaking to a younger cat... and that cat was Spotpaw. What was he doing there? What was he doing with that fox-hearted she-cat? The young warrior hid her presence and stayed still, listening to their conversation. However, she couldn't stay quiet for too long, especially after Sweetheart's words.

The silver tabby she-cat left her spot and walked to the two cats, letting out a hiss. "Sorry for ruining your chat but may I ask... what are you talking about with her, Spotpaw?" Her odd eyes fixed on her son as she expected an answer from him.