Please Remember Me [closed]

Birchpaw lifted her head, glancing over to see if Shrewheart was still up, fidgeting in her nest for a moment before standing. Her head still buzzed faintly as if she truly had bees in her brain. She had moved her nest further back in the den to avoid being noticed and having more cats try to pamper her. The dawn patrol would get up a little later. She practically had the camp to herself. She tried to sit up again, muffling her hiss in her teeth and glaring up at the rocky surface around her. How pathetic was this? Blizzardstar had died and came back still doing her job! The she-cat sat on her haunches and scowled before pushing up and walking over to the small pool of water in the den. She dipped a paw in the cold water and groomed her face with that rather than licking in. "C'mon, wake up, wake up, wake up!" she muttered, shaking her head and slumping her shoulders. She just needed to work a little harder. If she had to rest, then she could have more energy. Hunting and patrolling was a lot more tiring that meant she could do more of them while the others hunted. She wouldn't let all her hard work go to waste. Not after so many mistakes.

Her outburst had made Specklefang leave the meeting, her sister was dead, they'd lost the battle, the former leader and medicine cat were stolen. She was stuck in here while Swooppaw needed cats to keep him company. Why did StarClan want this? "What'll I do next? Accidentally help RiverClan?" Now, she was sitting as a useless waste of prey in the medicine cat den and being given pity and coddled by her father. She had to double, no- triple her efforts if she wanted to not be forgotten in the many kits her parents had. She wasn't even their kit! That made it even harder. The stressed she cat let out a bitter hiss and laid laid on her haunches, biting back a groan at the pain. This was pathetic, it was just a tail! She didn't lose a leg! She didn't have her neck bitten by that fox-heart! She practically clawed the top of her head with her paws, pressing them down in frustration. She felt a tear run down her muzzle. When had she started crying? Why was she crying?! It was time to grow up; she couldn't do things like this anymore! "UGH!" she clamped her muzzle shut, not wanting to wake the others and rubbed desperately at her face until her fur had only traces the event left. She stepped over the others in the den until she was near the entrance, striking her claws against the frosty stones and leave a mark in it. Her claws stung but she just pressed them into the snow, watching the foggy camp as flakes fell. She hung her head and was forced to rub away more tears. A determined look flickered in her eyes, she'd fix this if it killed her. If she had to give up everything she had to make this right, she would. She'd go blind, deaf, lose all her legs. She didn't care anymore. The expression faltered. If she didn't do that, she'd just be forgotten while the actual blood kits of her parents were worth something. The weight was suffocating her now but she had no right to complain. Raking the snow and earth, she blinked back more tears. She couldn't stay in here! She had too much time to think and watch others do their jobs and she hated it. This was what kits and elders did and she was neither of those ranks.

Birchpaw stood up, stepping out of the den and walked around with little intention besides to get out of that horrid place. She wanted to go back to her own den, with her friends and the moonlight flickering through the leaves. She rubbed at her face again and pawed at the snow absently. Then, she saw the fresh-kill pile and how low it was. Maybe she could practice her crouch before anyone could see her struggles. That'd show that she was ready to go back to her full duties! Right? The she-cat looked around and got into a hunting crouch slowly. She wobbled and placed her paws a little further out to balance again. She could do this, she had to! She took a few very wobbly steps forward, creeping along with determination blazing in her eyes. She bunched up her hind legs and pounced onto a pile of snow, toppling over to the side quickly after.

"UGH!" Her voice, though not that loud, managed to find away to his ears. Somehow, that exclamation of frustration managed to stir something inside Swooppaw even as he slept. His green eyes snapped open, and he immediately recognized Birchpaw's voice. None of the other apprentice's had awakened, and he managed to keep it that way as he clambered out, wincing at the harsh feeling of the cold air on his face. He was about to race over to the medicine den when he saw her. It was strange seeing his usually cheerful friend looking so sad, but the same fiery determination still burned bright in her green eyes. He did nothing but stand there, the shadows the apprentice den covering him from view. She hadn't taken it too well last time he had tried to help her, and he knew how she felt. It was hard to admit you needed help. So he didn't do anything. That is, until she fell over. His protective instincts took over and he raced out of the shadows and to her side.
"Birchpaw? Do you need help?" Darn it. He came across exactly how he didn't want to. Guiltily he looked at his paws for a few moments before feeling like he had to apologize. "S-sorry. I didn't mean I don't think you can manage yourself. I just couldn't live with myself if any more bad things happened to you." Did he seem overprotective now? That was another thing he didn't want to seem like. She would probably get mad at him, and he would deserve it. He looked at the ground awkwardly, ever few seconds looking up to her face. If StarClan could somehow magically make her recover right away, he would do anything. But that wasn't how the world worked.

Birchpaw scowled, trying to push herself up out the snow when she heard Swooppaw's voice. She rubbed at her face again and ducked her head away. "N-no, I'm fine. I'll be alright. M'fine." She sighed, when he began apologizing she shook her head. "Swooppaw,
it's fine. Stop apologizing. I should be apologizing for waking you up and slacking on duties." she meowed, nudging him with her paw. Birchpaw smiled weakly before dropping her gaze. "I'm just trying to get back into things, y'know. It's a little tough but..." it was more than a little tough. She felt like she was starting from scratch! Her parents didn't give her advice so she assumed that she was supposed to figure it out. "My parents went through the same thing and well, look at them. They're still working just fine. I just need to... try a bit harder." she said. She was desperately trying to believe it too. It was easier before. She sniffled a bit and sighed, grooming some snow out her fur.

Swooppaw listened to Birchpaw, first concerned, then his eyes widened incredulously. How in StarClan's name could she believe that any of this was her fault? It was the RiverClan apprentice's fault if anyone was to blame. She had no need to apologize! Mouth hanging slightly open, he just stood there dumbly as she continued to blame herself for things outside of anyones (eve StarClan's) control. He ended up shaking his head, first in shock, then more vigorously in anger. Not really at her, but at the meaning of her thoughts. He had spent the last few days thinking that her injury was a problem he could do nothing to fix. But this horrible side effect need fixing and he did not hesitate to do the job himself.
"How can you say that? Apologizing for waking me up and not being able to work? That's mouse-brained! None of the other apprentices woke up, just me, and that's my fault. Did I have to come out here? No. It was my decision, not yours, so don't go blaming yourself. And your injury is the fault of that fox-hearted RiverClan apprentice, not you. Don't worry about jumping back into your duties, that will only make it harder. And do you really think your parents never went through a period of time like this too? Are they not right now? It's not that your not trying hard enough, you might even be trying too hard. Just relax and don't worry for a while. That's how you'll become the best warrior, not by jumping in headfirst. Getting yourself worked up will only make it more tough." He had intended to say only a few words, and ended up ranting. Did that seem rude? By saying she shouldn't blame herself, was that blaming her for doing so? Everything seemed so complicated, only one thing seemed certain. He wanted Birchpaw to be happy.

Birchpaw flinched at him, she'd never seen him this way before. He'd always seemed rather soft-spoken to her, she'd never heard him speak like that. She stood back for a moment, letting silence fill the gap as she thought. Her parents always seemed untouchable, in fact, their grief scared her. It terrified her that an image that was so absolute in her mind was starting to crack. "Swooppaw..." she murmured, at a loss for words. Letting the silence settle again, she shook her head. "Everything is different now, I'm just... I'm trying to make things normal again. But-
I-it's really scary, Swooppaw. I'm trying to put on a brave front for my parents, they're worried enough without my problems. Everything is so much scarier now! W-we're at war and it's nothing like all the stories. It hurts, it's bloody, it killed my sister. When Leopardclaw freed my it was scary." she clawed at the ground, tears welling in her eyes again. she just let them fall as she glared at the ground through them. A-and if I don't try, that means I'm giving up on all of it,
everyone in this clan, myself, you. I'll be wasting away in the shadows, my parents h-have plenty of kits, it won't be much of a problem as long as I'm breathing. I c-can't do that, Swooppaw, I just c-can't! How can I relax while my mother just fades away and my father is silent all the time?! It doesn't matter who is at fault, I'll react all the same." she let out a choked sob, trying to quell the shaking she hadn't noticed she was doing. She hated that he was seeing her this way. She said she'd be there for him and her she was, relying on him instead.

"It is scary. I don't think I can imagine anything scarier. And you went through way more than I had too. And I'm not saying you shouldn't try to be the best for your clan, I'm just asking you to not take all of the responsibility and break under its weight. And it was probably insensitive of me to tell you to relax and not worry, because its impossible. I was thinking of an ideal world rather than the one we live in." This time, Swooppaw's voice held a different kind of emotion. Still distinct and passionate, just now more gentle, with less energy. He tried to smile reassuringly, but failed, letting out an almost inaudible whimper of grief. Until now he had only thought of Birchpaw's pain as a physical injury. Now it was all to clear that the scars ran deeper than a missing tail. He adopted sister had died, and her parents were depressed. He just realized that he had now given up hope on becoming his mentor's friend. How could he be a beacon of hope to those in need when he had lost sight of it. "I mean, the only thing we can do now is hope. Hope your parents recover, and your sister's death wasn't in vain. Let hope off recovering what we lost power us, not fear of loosing more. Now I sound like an elder, don't I?" He tried to laugh at his attempt at lightening the mood, but it caught in his throat, coming out a sigh.

Birchpaw wasn't very convinced. Hope wasn't something you could look at and know you have. You couldn't grasp it or feel the soreness after achieving it. It didn't seem real to her, not in a way where she'd turn to it. She sighed as well, wiping her face again with her forearm. "I-...
I'll try but that doesn't mean I'm taking it easy either. Hope can only get you so far. I'll give it a chance, maybe it'll help." she meowed. The she-cat straightened up and smiled weakly at Swooppaw before tucking her head under his chin and resting against him, settling down with a little more success and a little less pain. "Thanks for everything, Swooppaw, really. It feels nice to just let everything out." she let out a weak laugh, her voice hoarse from her crying now. "You'd be a good medicine cat."

At Birchpaw's first couple phrases, Swooppaw was sure he would have to try once again to calm her down. But then she did accept his words, maybe not as a definite truth but as a possibility. That was better than he was hoping for. For a single moment he stiffened awkwardly as she leaned against him, but quickly his muscles relaxed. This was a way that he was helping her. Physically, with her not having to cary all of her weight. And probably mentally, if she had started to get the same feeling that he was getting. A soft smile crossed his face as she continued to speak. Happiness flowed through him at just the thought that he had finally been able to help her in someway. Though he did hope that she never needed help again. By now he had found it within himself to purr, almost soothingly. He snorted softly in amusement at her final sentence, and decided to take it as a compliment. He could be called the psychiatrist mental medicine cat now.
"A medicine cat? Well, thanks. And I'm glad I could help you. I felt bad not being able to anything for you."

Birchpaw shivered, she was starting to feel the results of staying out for so long, her paws were going numb from being dunked in water. She was feeling exhausted from her crying and her lack of sleep. Swooppaw's purring wasn't helping her stay awake, only the cold air was keeping her on the edge of consciousness. The she-cat didn't want to go back to the medicine den. It was cold and felt dreary. The smell of blood and herbs hurt her head and she had dried blood all over her nest. It didn't matter, she was going to sleep, she had to or she'd fall asleep in the snow. The apprentice found it rather funny, she didn't want to go to bed like some kit... Oh well. She stood up, losing the last bit of warmth from the tom. She smiled at the gray tabby; she felt like she knew why he was so wonderful to be around. Her ears felt a little hot at the thought and cleared her throat. "We should get some sleep, the dawn patrol will be out soon..." Birchpaw looked away for a moment before nuzzling his cheek. "Thanks again, Swooppaw, you're great." she mewed with a soft smile. She gave him a nudge on the shoulder with her nose and padded into the medicine den, glancing back at him for a moment before slipping into the cold den. She'd probably feel guilty for waking up so late when she did wake up but, oh well.

we can close this after your post, these bubs can bond again later. ]]

"Good night Birchpaw. And don't thank me, I'm more than happy to help," Swooppaw mewed in farewell. He watched as Birchpaw padded back over to the medicine den, relieved to see how calm she seemed now. It was almost like that helped her physically as well. He continued to sit there after she had disappeared into the den, not wanting to get up. The apprentice's den would seem way to cramped after this. Then fear started to edge into his mind as he realized that now he was completely alone. Sighing, he stood up, stretching before walking back to the apprentice's den. At least it would be warmer than out here. Ducking inside, he managed to get back to his nest without waking anyone. As he laid down, his fear laced every one of his thoughts. He felt alone without Birchpaw at his side. But soon enough he was able to fall asleep, leaving all those thoughts for his waking mind.